As movie goers, we like our magic. The magic around the story is what grabs us and keeps us tuned in. Fuck up the magic, and the bubble is burst.

I've found that with some people there are some types of films you can't watch. Maybe they're an expert on a certain subject, which means they're going to analyze shit to death, or maybe they're just on the lookout for specific things. An example - I watched Air Force One with my dad years ago. Seeing a film about a 747 with a 747 pilot is definitely a mistake. He just about held on to the film, despite angrily exclaiming "That's not possible!" a few times, but there was some scene where the 747 took off and landed in such a way that my dad threw his hands up in the air and had to leave. Being a non-pilot, it looked real to me, but I'll take his word on it.

Angus, of course, is a guru on electrics. Fry someone in a film from electricity and you'd better be sure you have your facts right, or else he'll be done watching the TV show/film pronto. He's constantly on the lookout for the details in scenes, and on more than one occasion he's had to stop watching something as they got it wrong. One memory serves in which we were watching a film where the heroine lay, gasping and dying, on a hospital bed in London. They apparently didn't feel the need to pay too close attention to the details, though, because there was a "Exit" sign by the door and a socket by the bed, both of which were Australian. Angus can spot these within 0.5 seconds of being flashed on the screen and if it's wrong he won't continue watching the film/TV show.

I'm not immune, either. Recently my movie buddy Lloyd (also in telecoms) and I saw two films that had us pointing to the screen simultaneously and exclaiming "That's not possible!" Lucky for us, the theatres were empty both times. The first was in Die Hard 4.0, when the young geek "hot programs" the mobile phone to go from GSM to satellite. This is no possible, senor. Phones don't work that way. The other was in Bourne Ultimatum (which I'll be honest, I loved. I thought the film was fantastic.) If you want to see what my usual commute is like, the first 20-odd minutes of the film were shot in London Waterloo Station, and it really was London Waterloo, it wasn't a mock-up...except for the scene in which Bourne goes to a kiosk and buys a mobile phone. That kiosk is not in Waterloo Station. The film scored a "That's not possible!" twice in that scene, the first for the mobile phone kiosk, the second because Bourne just unboxes the phone and uses it, and gimme a break-everyone knows you have to charge those bastards when you get them as the batteries are completely dead.

All this, and I don't even care that much about mobile phones.

I think we all do it, and not to look cool or show off-when you spend your days working with or have an interest in something, you're keen to see that Hollywood gets it right, instead of jonesing with it to suit their own purposes.

Something which I've recently become educated about is fertility, conception and babies. Not babies as in "Lookie here, I'm born" babies, God knows I'm clueless about that kind. But the incubating kind, the growing kind, I've learnt a lot about. I'm in no way an expert but it stuns me how many times I've seen little things on TV or in films that is no way accurate. I get it that there's a story to be told and that often you have to manipulate the ends to justify the means just to further the story, after all, who the hell wants to watch a film where they simply draw blood and report E2 numbers? But when I see these things, these small things, they wind me up.

A few months ago I started watching Brothers and Sisters which I unashamedly admit to loving. Whenever I watch that show I always get homesick for the States even though it makes no sense whatsoever-I've never lived in California, I don't come from a family of Democrats, I don't have a half-dozen or so siblings and my family isn't monstrously wealthy, nor do we all look that good. I get homesick when I watch the show just the same, for reasons I can't even make out myself.

Even though Season 1 is over in the States, we're only about halfway through it here. And the last episode I watched (recorded on the hard drive since I don't tend to watch my shows when they're actually on) was the one where the under-utilized Walker brother with the fucked-up eyebrow accompanied his wife to get a scan of their unborn baby. I'm no expert on scans, as I've noted, although fortunately Jen-Again is (Jen? You here? I'm still thankful you described those last scans for me!), but even though I can't make out what I'm seeing, there are a few facts I know for sure.

Mostly, that the entire scene they showed was bullshit.

The wife in the scene had what I understood was an IUI for starters, which means they would've checked in on her little hot pocket a long time before they did on the TV programme. Further, they showed the ultrasound tech doing loooooooooads of scanning before finally noticing and revealling to the excited parents that they were having twins. The parents went mental with joy and glee, the dad jumping and kissing his wife and shouting "I'm going to be a dad twice over!"

I felt like cold water had been thrown over me.

I remembered my own first post-positive pregnancy test scan and how even to my hopeless ultrasound eye the twin sacs were clear right away. That scan and every scan since the two little beans have been very clear. Granted, we never have any idea what we're looking at, these days they could just be scanning my colon and I wouldn't know, but there is one very obvious thing that I always see and that's the flickering light of two beating hearts. Those can't be missed.

I remembered how easy it was to see the two sacs.

Then I remembered what a really, really rough day that was.

And I sit there and feel the ice water feeling trickle into my cold dead heart.

It's true that a lot of things have gotten better and the "ohmigod, this is so bleak and what are we going to do" feeling we both had has, for the most part, passed. Now it's about moving forward, and there are even moments of light and hope - Angus the other day commented that he's already come up with a nickname for our as yet unborn daughter. Both Melissa and Jeff have nicknames and always have done, Angus calls them by these terms of endearment and probably always will. The fact that he's already come up with a nickname for our daughter - and the name, it's very, very sweet - meant the fucking world to me. If I could take that moment he mentioned his proposed nickname and hold it in a bottle I would, just so I could uncork the bottle and inhale the light that it held inside, because the glow it gave off could see the way through the darkest of nights .

The scene on the TV show got more unbelievable - the technician told them they were, like me, having a boy and a girl. The thing is, I remember that stage that the couple were at. It was "amorphous blob stage", where you may make out a few limbs and the heads and hearts are clear, but there's no way you'll see anything else. It's all just a blob. But naturally the technician could make out the sexes, even though the blobs looked to me to be the same as about my 12 wek scan, which is way too early to be able to make out the sexes of the babies on screen.

And the dad then went and recounted the news to his father's grave and spoke of his unparalleled joy at having twins, and then the happy couple broke the news to his happy family, and all the brothers and sisters and mothers screamed with joy and excitement and love and all that other happy pony shit and everyone lived happily ever after because that's what happens in Hollywood-land and that's how families react in that imaginary world we all try to associate to but never succeed.

I clearly need to stick to programmes with mobile phones, 747s, and light sockets.

And I sat there watching the TV and I knew that my bubble had burst, not because couples don't rejoice the news that they're having twins, because if one thing reading infertility blogs has taught me, it's that many parents do go happy-mental at having twins.

I knew my bubble burst not because I had twigged several mistakes on the ultrasoud scene of the show.

I knew my bubble burst because I will never know what it's like to have that happy, ecstatic jumping.

Sometimes it's no fun watching something that you are well-versed in, because it simply reminds you of what you haven't learnt for yourself.

-H.

PS-many thanks to Emily, who very kindly decided the Lemonheads needed a playgym. I can't wait to see them under it, making noises that make no sense to anyone but them.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:40 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
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1 I hate it when tv shows get it so wrong! Just the smallest amount of research would do the trick, hell, isnt there a single female writer on staff that knows the sex is not determined that early? I know its pointless to say but TRY not to let hollywood get into your head and your heart like that, what you two felt apon learing of the L'heads was a normal human reaction- not some shit scripted for an audience. I hate to read of you berating yourself over this, again. You are both at peace with it now, that is what is important Your new picture looks fantastic!

Posted by: Christina at September 10, 2007 01:23 PM (FXxJ1)

2 As a knitter, I can't stand watching shows when someone is knitting and they are rubbing their needles together like they are trying to start a fire. Or worse, when they hold up the piece they were working on and it is crocheted. The horror! Actually, I totally know what you mean. I hate when something is so different then real life. Yeah, yeah-I know it is supposed to be 'entertainment' and all that shit, but sometimes somethings just hit a little to close to home. It's like when you are already bummed out and you hear a sad song, and then just sit and sob. It hits you right in the heart.

Posted by: Teresa at September 10, 2007 01:45 PM (Dltcd)

3 Oh boy- I really get taken out of the magic movie bubble when there are medical scenes. I just want to stop the film and explain to everyone how impossible what they just saw is in real life. I am ALWAYS yelling at the TV screen during House.. It drives my husband nuts. I consulted for one short lived show, because the doctor that they hired as their medical consultant realized that he didn't know squat about the ultrasound scene they were filming. He asked them to contact the company I used to work for to get some real input, and I heartily wish all shows would do the same. They are always pointing out things that don't exist on the screen, have the transducer on the wrong part of the anatomy for what is showing on the machine, etc. Argh, I have to calm down now. P.S.- I am glad that I could help out, I know how frustrating it is to not know what is in those pictures. When I was first learning ultrasound, the proctor kept pointing to things and I couldn't see them- made me feel like I had chosen the wrong profession... luckily it all started to make sense soon after.

Posted by: jen-again at September 10, 2007 03:34 PM (9sYS7)

4 It's never like that - the tee vee lies. My furst husband acted like fucking Chicken Little when I told him I was knocked up - and my second - though he was and is OVER THE MOON - said, (and this is a quote) "You've got to be shitting me." I never, in THREE TIMES, got the happy, excited father. It hurt - but once I saw them with their sons (yes, even ths shithead I divorced) I got over it. Men don't do "intangibles" very well. Once they're here, things will be different. Love you, xoxo

Posted by: Margi at September 10, 2007 03:57 PM (xAgEH)

5 It's kind of a sport in our house, "Spot the Idiot". I'm a biologist and hubby is a geologist..... If we didn't make fun of it, between CSI, Grey's, House (which is generally the most accurate, BTW), and all of those dreadful earth/climate/geological event disaster shows, we'd have very little to watch.... In fact he takes those disaster movies and plays them for his students as an object lesson... and then they have to write a "10 things the Producers got wrong" essay.

Posted by: caltechgirl at September 10, 2007 04:57 PM (/vgMZ)

6 Great photo! You look lovely.

Posted by: Suze at September 10, 2007 05:24 PM (0doyF)

7 I talk to the television all the time--just to let all the characters and/or actors know how I feel about things, because I know they can really hear me. It makes Sweetheart crazy. He has caught shows using canned bird calls of birds that have no business being where they are. I critique all the medical shows to the point of aggravation. Just for the record, nothing is like Hollywood. When is the last time a scene with a couple in bed showed a woman saying, "Ouch, wait, you're on my hiar"? Life is real. The good, bad and ugly. That's what makes it so great.

Posted by: sophie at September 10, 2007 05:28 PM (AY+fk)

8 Oh Helen, life is so not at all like they show it on TV shows. It is actually much different, but ever so much better. You'll find out when you've been a mother for a while and figure things out for yourself. And life does really improve just like an aged wine. It gets better as we get older and it gets easier and you don't need those TV Shows to show you how it might be, because it is never like that. You make up your own truth and find out that that's the best way to live.

Posted by: Irene at September 10, 2007 06:14 PM (RL+iu)

9 Hubs and I are always catching things in the shows and movies and saying "no way"... like with Bourne and the phone. Caught that one immediately. The one that catches us both most of the time is the supposed "new born baby". I have yet to see one actually LOOK like a newborn. They look like they are at least 2 or 3 weeks old at the youngest and they've simply slathered cream cheese and jelly on 'em. I mean, really... I guess we all just need to remember, these shows ARE pretend...

Posted by: sue at September 10, 2007 06:22 PM (QPmVy)

10 for us, it is anything to do with fishing. do you know how irritating it is to see the person holding the reel UPSIDE DOWN? or when they get the wrong name? i think we all go thru that. just the other day, i caught the end of notting hill. i'm pretty sure a woman that far along would NOT be lying on her back on a park bench. so keep reminding yourself that they don't reflect reality in the slightest.

Posted by: becky at September 10, 2007 09:10 PM (jv5jW)

11 Most movie/TV riders hit their horses in the mouths yanking on the bit too hard, along with committing various other equine flubs that combine to make me go Aaaaaaaaa! STOP HURTING THE POOR THING YOU MORON!! How would you like someone on your back doing that to YOU, eh? Jesus...

Posted by: The other Amber at September 11, 2007 12:58 AM (zQE5D)

12 Whenever I see a movie that contains computers, programming, hacking, physics or electronics, I have to suspend disbelief. The cell phone thing in DH4 aggravated me too (but I thought it was a fun movie). It's much more enjoyable to not spend a couple of hours mumbling "bullshit" under my breath. Don't feel bad about your response to the twin discovery. Some friends of mine were thrilled to become pregnancy. They were a little less overjoyed when the technician said "hey, two heartbeats!". A bit of a shock which I imagine that you would completely understand. There's no magic formula for how you're supposed to react. You feel what you feel. But don't add any more weight to it. What's important is what you'll feel and how you'll react when you finally see/hold your little ones. And that reaction, I'm sure, will ake you want to dance around gleefully. Of course, you won't be able to if you get an epidural, but that's okay.

Posted by: physics geek at September 11, 2007 02:29 AM (vKMFv)

13 You should see me when the cop shows are on. Shheeeesh!!! I try to remember that TV and Movies are magic, not reality. The magic requires a suspension of disbelief. And sometimes production requirements mean that liberties with the facts must be taken. Imagine how dull Star Trek would have been if they had to take years between planets. Warp drive is a violation of the laws of physics, but a great literary device. Actors and writers getting the medical facts and techniques right? If they were that smart to begin with they wouldn't BE actors and writers. Plus, other than Brittany Spears, who in the hell is going to let someone use their NEWBORN BABY for a TV show or a movie? Not me, that's for damned sure. Life is not like the movies, or TV. It's less exciting and glamorous, but it's a hell of a lot better. PS- For the record, the most realistic cop show ever was Barney Miller. (Seriously. They nailed it.)

Posted by: ~Easy at September 11, 2007 11:31 AM (WdRDV)

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