There are a number of things going on in my life over here. I don't want to get into it, but suffice to say I entered what I call The Eye Sag stage - the emotions reach in and pull your heart down, taking the area around your eyes with them, sinking your eyeballs in with your feelings. I am completely and utterly exhausted.
On Saturday we went with the babies to East Grinstead, to a party with all of Angus' former childhood chums. We stopped off at his mum's for a short while and then on to his brother's house. We were early, to help out with the preparations. I played with Nick and Nora, who were fascinated with the other kids there. We set up the travel cot in the spare bedroom and tucked the babies into Grobags, settling them into the cot. With a sigh they rolled towards each other and went to sleep almost instantly.
Friends of Angus and his brother started to arrive. Children danced around the table sneaking crisps and Twiglets. The beer and wine flowed. People laughed and talked.
And one of Angus' friends arrived with a little girl. She was dressed in a pink velour sleepsuit with a pink bunny on the lapel and hung on to the neck of Angus' friend tightly. Her name, as she was introduced to me, was Carly.
I think my children are beautiful. They are beautiful (even though a Flickr group asked me to submit one of my photos of Nick to a group called "Poor ugly infants" - in which case they can fuck right off, and how sick is that, there's a group called "Poor ugly infants"?) and I can't help but constantly think they're beautiful.
But Carly wasn't beautiful.
She was absolutely stunning.
A cloud of curls that are the perfect description of the words "strawberry blond" floated around her head, curling appealingly in thick sausage-like rolls in the back of the head. Bright blue eyes that would make a Hollywood starlet jealous stared out under heavy strawberry blond lashes. She had a dimple you could sink a coin into, and a ready and easy smile.
"How old is she?" I ask.
"How old would you guess?" Angus' friend replied.
I think about my two upstairs, and put Carly at a month or two older than mine (but with more hair). "16 months or so?" I ask.
He nods. "Carly's two."
I gasp. She's an itty-bitty thing, much smaller than my two.
"We take her everywhere we go, and we always carry her," Angus' friend said, holding Carly close.
"Does your Daddy carry you well?" I ask Carly. Then I look at Angus' friend. "Do you go by Daddy?"
"No, I go by Jack," he said grimly. "The courts prefer it that way."
Because Carly is a foster child.
Jack and his wife foster children and Carly was delivered to them a few months ago. When the care worker droped Carly off all she had on was a pair of dirty tights. Carly was raised by drug addict parents who put her in a travel cot and never held her, never talked to her, never interacted with her. She had only herself and a filthy cot for most of her life.
As a result Carly is tiny and still fits some clothes in size 9-12 months. She cannot walk or talk. She's developmentally behind but catching up fast. And even though she was left on her own and starved of attention, she is blooming. She mimics everything. She loves to be held and to be cuddled.
This amazing, stunning, perfect little girl was never held.
"They are re-evaluating her case in Easter. I don't know what I will do if we have to give her back," Jack says hoarsely. "We're all crazy about her."
I feel a choke in my throat and, for reasons I don't quite understand, I go upstairs to the spare room. I am crying. The only thing I know is that I have to check on my babies, I have to touch them. I open the door and walk in, and my children are snoring, curled against one another. I lean over and place a hand on each chest, feeling them rise and fall. I rub their foreheads. I soothe their hair. I whisper promises to them that they will never know what it's like to not be held. Already shaken by Baby P, I now have a Carly to tuck into my heart as well.
And I go back downstairs and, like every adult there, I take my turn holding and playing with Carly. She is passed around, never being left alone for a second, never being off of someone's lap or out of someone's arms. She smiles constantly and looks at the world with intrigue and wonder.
This then is my hope - that Carly stays with Jack and his family. If I could phone Santa and ask for one thing, it's that Carly is loved forever. If I could sell possessions for a price to secure it, if I could auction off part of my sould, I would do so, if only that Carly forgets the early years and knows only laughter and light. That there are no more Carlys left out there to not know what it's like to be loved.
-H.
1
How wonderful Carly is loved. How sad there are children not loved. I have always felt there is a special ring in Hell for those who abuse children.
Posted by: Charles at December 16, 2008 12:49 PM (iVaTz)
2
This is why Aaron and I really want to become foster parents. What a heartbreaking story.
Posted by: Jen R at December 16, 2008 01:19 PM (DnDH/)
3
Tell Angus's friends that they are angels for fostering Carly. I do hope they get to keep her, and that can share the good news with us in a few months.
Posted by: Amanda at December 16, 2008 01:29 PM (ay+rD)
4
That little sweetie. I canNOT understand how people can do that to children. It makes me cry thinking about it.
Thank goodness people care and step in the way your friends did. I hope they have this little angel as part of their lives for good.
Posted by: Opal at December 16, 2008 01:54 PM (ijwPO)
5
God. I hear OTHER people's infants and want to hold them. I can't imagine not holding your own.
It sounds like she's found a great place, and I share that hope that you'll tell us in a few months that they got to keep her.
My friends do foster care, and after having one infant ripped out of their home to go back to it's AIDS-ridden meth-whore mother, (no, I'm not exaggerating), I don't know how they do it.
Posted by: Tracy at December 16, 2008 01:59 PM (eiiGE)
6
I too will pray that Carly remains with her current family for the rest of her life. It's hard to be at work and read posts like that - not holding your own child - I cannot even begin to imagine.
Merry Christmas Helen to you and your family - I hope it's everything you dream of.
Posted by: Kelly at December 16, 2008 02:18 PM (FgYQ6)
7
Things like this were terrible before I had a child, but they're so much worse feeling to me now. I can't even fathom not holding my baby. Made me cry. Then I had to go sniff Little Dot's head and cover her with kisses.
Posted by: dotty at December 16, 2008 02:31 PM (0hLIO)
8
It breaks my heart that any children are neglected or mistreated when they're so small. They are the purest souls with only a few basic needs to be met. Who could turn away from that?
I hope Carly can stay with Jack and his family. It sounds like they're a wonderful match.
Posted by: Tinker at December 16, 2008 03:26 PM (rU3SM)
9
Your post really hit close to home. I write adoption studies for foster children, and I read through files every day of childern just like Carly. Thank God, I am on the other side of the fence, as my work is used to expedite the adoption of foster children by their foster parents. I used to work in Child Protective Services, and you wouldn't believe some of the neglect and abuse I've had to witness first-hand. As we speak (I work from home), I am working on studies for a sibling group of six, between the ages of eight to sixteen months, who are to be adopted by an angel of a foster mom who is a single parent. Oh, and the biological "mother" (I used the term loosely) is 31 years old and has four other children who were removed from her care and adopted in 2001. So that makes ten children put through her neglect and drug abuse. It boggles my mind that the most terrible people seem to be the most fertile. I just got married in November and my hubby and I have begun trying for kids (I am 32, he is 29), and I pray to God that we have no trouble in conceiving. I joke to him that if I do, I'll just start doing methamphetamines, as women on meth never seem to have any trouble getting pregant. Anyway, take care in knowing that I get to see children every day get out of the system and get placed in loving, caring, and unselfish families.
Deborah
Posted by: deborah at December 16, 2008 04:17 PM (fcwhc)
10
I have some friends who adopted a foster child who had "food issues"— he'd never had quite enough to eat. Several years on, he's adapted pretty well and is often mistaken for her natural child... her husband's Filipino, so he looks more like her than her own children do sometimes!
I hope the courts do well by Carly too. Actually, I hope her parents are so completely out of the question that they don't even consider moving her, and that they've managed to sterilize themselves in the process.
Here's praying for Carly's Easter miracle.
Posted by: B. Durbin at December 16, 2008 04:20 PM (PlHif)
11
Please, is there anything that we can do to help? Anyone we can write to, anyone we can call?
Posted by: Donna at December 16, 2008 04:39 PM (4/ZIC)
12
Bastards. I don't understand how someone could treat a child or an animal that way. It makes me super sad. I hope that Carly never has to experience that ever again, and that she can grow up healthy and strong and love some children of her own someday.
Posted by: Marian at December 16, 2008 04:43 PM (OxdDo)
13
Absolutely heart breaking. It also is enraging that people can do this to children, their own or others. I can't imagine.
Posted by: Angela at December 16, 2008 04:49 PM (DGWM7)
14
No words other than dear god please let her stay safe and loved with people like her foster family rather than her so called 'real' ones.
Posted by: moira at December 16, 2008 05:23 PM (UGBIN)
15
Heart breaking and heart warming at the same time - that there are people who could ignore a child so, and people could so badly want to give her everything she has lacked and more. Thank you for sharing her story.
Posted by: Carol at December 16, 2008 07:22 PM (iaV9O)
16
You can wring my heartstrings more than anyone else ever has. I fervently pray that Carly will always be loved and cared for by the people who look after her now.
Posted by: kenju at December 16, 2008 09:34 PM (shDit)
17
You can wring my heartstrings quicker than anyone! I hope Carly will always be loved and cared for well, by the people who love her now.
Posted by: kenju at December 16, 2008 09:35 PM (shDit)
18
I too hope there is a good outcome for Carly.
Without being too much of a wet blanket, you might want to check it's OK to use her/her foster carers real names (for all I know you haven't); and also, some children in this situation find it very hard to know who is their permanent carer, and can interpret "being handed round" as a prelude to being passed off on someone else, or it can prevent them from feeling secure with their carers and therefore learning to trust them... just a warning...
Posted by: Katie at December 16, 2008 10:17 PM (UaL+O)
19
Well this just about killed me...honestly tears were flowing. As everyone else has said, I can not fathom how anyone could do that to a child...I so hope she can stay with her foster family and that she flourishes.
Posted by: Liz at December 16, 2008 11:31 PM (wg/ej)
20
Stories like this are why we want to adopt next.
And Nick is adorale. You think he is beautiful because he is! What jackasses.
Posted by: stephanie at December 17, 2008 12:33 AM (NImtR)
21
Waaay off topic, but I wanted to follow up about the cheesy holiday garden decor. I backed out. I actually did go to Costco that day and saw the snowmen up high on display, but there were no boxes or signs to indicate where I might find a little family to take home as my own.
I found deer instead. My husband finds them exceedingly tacky and keeps threatening to trash them, but they're really growing on me. I'm contemplating leaving them until spring. Here they are if you'd like a look:
http://picasaweb.google.com/tinkeringwiththeworks/Christmas#5280558624703061986
Posted by: Tinker at December 17, 2008 01:15 AM (rU3SM)
22
fingers crossed for Carly. Some of my friends are foster parents and have been lucky enough to adopt three so far... they are currently fostering a 2.5-month old micropreemie who was the same size as my daughter at birth (but probably a couple of weeks older GA). The new baby is the sister of their younger two kids, and lucky for her, babies born at 25-27 weeks gestation can't actually be ADDICTED to the cocaine the mom was using.
What was that you said about needing a license?
Ugh. Thank heavens for fabulous foster families.
Posted by: Sarah at December 17, 2008 01:28 AM (D37sb)
23
Carly and Jack's names - like all names on this site apart from Kim, Gorby and Maggie - have been changed to protect their privacy.
Posted by: Helen at December 17, 2008 06:49 AM (oTDAC)
Posted by: Stella at December 17, 2008 03:42 PM (VHzpj)
25
Wow. I don't even want kids (for myself), but I can't imagine treating a child so deplorably. The fathomless depths of evil.
I bequeath my Santa's wishes to Carly, too. May she stay with Jack & family.
BTW, I totally get having to go check your babies. I have a similar reaction with my dog over certain adverts.
happy holidays to you and yours
L
Posted by: lynD at December 17, 2008 08:08 PM (2F9Ak)
26
I thought of you today and this has got to be the perfect situation to explain why - if it doesn't make you smile, then...well...it will.
I'm currently on a group trip to Israel, and part of our itinerary today involved volunteering at a hospital, playing with children who are awaiting corrective heart surgery. There were about twelve of them, mostly from countries in Africa - DRC, Angola, and Ethiopia - and a few from Iraq. The children were brought over, free of charge for the families, as a part of an NGO called Save a Child's Heart, run out of an Israeli hospital by a group of volunteers and pro bono cardiologists. The families pay nothing, and their children get the opportunity to live a normal life. We spent about an hour with the kids, who were absolutely delighted to have playmates attending to them. It was incredible - these kids are from poor families and, if not for this NGO, wouldn't live past the age of ten. As we were leaving, a family was coming in, and the mother was holding this beaming child who looked just like Nora - they'd brought their kids there to play with the other children. It made me smile, and it was so refreshing to see these kids who will have a happy ending.
So there's my little joyful story for the day, and I hope it lifts the "eye sags" for a bit.
Posted by: D at December 18, 2008 04:28 PM (Mso/R)
27
This story hit me on so many levels Helen...heartbreak and joy (that she's now being loved)...and gratitude that there are people like you writing stories like this so that others will hear about Love's awesome healing abilities...
Suffice to say my christams wish is for Carly to find healing in the arms of people who now value her tender soul.
peace,
Lil
Posted by: Lillithmother at December 19, 2008 12:19 PM (f1UH5)
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