Recently IÂ’ve learnt I have concrete feet. I've an anchor holding me down. Through the swings of ups and downs IÂ’ve been having, IÂ’m wobbling in my weeble worldÂ…but IÂ’m not falling down.

And itÂ’s frightening as shit.

And it feels great.

I talk quietly on the couch to the guy with the keys to my brain. I tell him of the highs I have-the giddy nearly consuming love of Christmas IÂ’m experiencing. I tell him how easily it is to make me tumble from that high, to send me back to the couch in a haze of chilly grey. I come clean about Elf, and how many times I watch it on however many formats I can get my hands on.

He tells me itÂ’s all ok.

And the truth is, maybe it is. Maybe the truth of the matter is, I havenÂ’t been feeling so much for so very long. Highs seem to high to me simply because I havenÂ’t been up, not up thatÂ’s this up, not up thatÂ’s this ok, forÂ…well, I donÂ’t really know. IÂ’m not manic, IÂ’m not depressive, but I am uncharacteristic. I tell him I worry what will happen after Christmas-what do I latch on to? What gets me out of depression? Is it me, am I strong enough to get myself out?

There is much work to be done still. I am still stunningly un-opinionated about almost everything. I am still unable to master conflict, I am still afraid, and afraid a lot more than I let on.

But there are things I have learnt.

The biggest of which is the simple notion that I am ok.

ItÂ’s as difficult and as complicated as that.

Deep down inside I am profoundly and completely ok. ItÂ’s the layers of self-defense, protection, fear, and anger that block me from getting there. IÂ’ll get there at some point, IÂ’m sure. IÂ’m relearning a lot, most of it difficult, some of it painful, all of it revolutionary.

IÂ’ve passed the grieving, too. What happened was bad, it was the worst ever, but itÂ’s behind me now. Now, thereÂ’s forward. ThereÂ’s going on, to whatever on is.

Life is rocky sometimes, but I have concrete feet.

Thanksgiving, wellÂ…Thanksgiving dinner itself was great fun (pics to be uploaded, hopefuly tomorrow). We had an argument before it that lasted the majority of the day and left when people arrived. We had a full house for dinner and all of them loved the new living room and the re-painted kitchen. IÂ’d taken extreme pains to dress up a table and I was pleased I did-something about a nice table makes you feel good.

And when it was time to go around the table and list-as we always do-what we were thankful in 2006, I thought about it and came to clear conclusions-I am so incredibly thankful for the house we have. IÂ’m thankful for my love, love, love Angus, even when we argue. IÂ’m incredibly thankful for Gorby the Wonder Dog. I'm thankful for our travels, including my most relaxing holiday yet.

But I realized what I was most thankful for at Thanksgiving was this: 2006 is almost over. The tumultuous year is drawing to an end. I had many wonderful things to love about it, and one single event that overtook my life in every way possible. ThereÂ’s still December to go, but I canÂ’t be sure that thereÂ’s anything dramatic that will overtake the drasticness that has been 2006. Yes, I am over it. It doesn't mean I want to sit at the table next to it anymore.

So my thankful this year is simple: I love so much of my life, but IÂ’ll be glad when 2006 is gone. 2007 and I have big hopes for each other.

Me and my concrete feetÂ…we can do this.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 06:00 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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