I've always hated that song, actually. I think it's the line "Consider yourself part of the furniture!" that does my head in. What's the mean, actually? "Consider yourself part of the furniture?" Do I look like a recliner to you? Is there something about my T-shirt that reminds you of a laundry basket?

I've determined that I'm getting old. It's come on gradually, much like age itself has, but I am definitely aging. Case in point - recently one of our neighbors had a party for their teenager, and the party's noise levels could be heard all the way over in Germany. Speakers blaring, people laughing, girls screaming, arguments and taunts had...it was 150,000 decibels at least. The music blared at top volume, which might not have been so bad had they not kept changing the station mid-song. It happened constantly-a song would start, someone would decide that song did not, indeed, rock their world, and then there'd be the noise of someone searching for a new song. It drove me wild.

Years ago I never used to understand why people riding in the car with me would get angry with me for changing the station so much. It didn't compute. To these long-suffering souls, I offer the following - Mea culpa. I get it now.

The screaming was really grating on me, too. One loud, long scream drew me into our back garden to check that the girl was ok, and at the end of the song there was a silence and then huge laughter and then the girl making some kind of joke that invariably included the words "Ohmigod! That was so funny!" I wanted to go up to these girls and put my hands on their shoulders and tell them that these screams, they're the serious kind. Don't waste them now, babe, because that patronizing story about "never crying wolf" comes to mind, and someday you may need that scream.

I truly realized I had moved on in age when the party continued on well after midnight. We didn't want to complain, because 1) our house extension planning was still out to the neighbors for comment and we could see the retribution at twenty paces there and 2) we occasionally have backyard parties, too, and although we don't play music or scream like it's a ritual sacrifice, it'd be nice to know that our neighbors aren't playing tit for tat. But the noise was too much, I was really getting wound up.

"You're getting old," muttered the nearly-asleep Angus from the safety of his side of the bed.

Actually, I've always been one of those who is sensitive to noise at bedtime and can't fall asleep if it's too racuous outside (or I can, but it involves sedatives and/or alcohol). "It's ridiculous! Don't they have any respect for their neighbors?" I fume.

And I realize that I am moments away from pink sponge curlers, house coats, and a broomstick handle I use for coaxing my dozens of cats out of trees.

It's been coming on for a while, I think, this aging thing. I've noticed I drive differently now, much more reserved and cautious and certainly a lot slower than I ever did before. I have lost all confidence in parking a car now, too, and it takes me several attempts to get a car in a parking bay, which makes me feel about 100 years old.

I'm old in other ways, too - in our line of work we're big on text communications. I send many, many more texts than I do emails or phone calls for work purposes. But I'm a bit of a stickler about texts - I can't stand text abbreviations. If you want to text me the message "See you later, meet at the station!" then you'd better text me the message "See you later, meet at the station!" If I get a text that says "C U l8ter, meet @ st!" then I'm going to delete the fucking thing and wait until you text me a message spelled the grown-up way. It drives me crazy, that abbreviated text talk.

Similarly, I'm skipping another big trend that's going on. I met an old friend for lunch a month ago in London, and she wrote down her new Skype address. She asked me for mine, and I told her it. Then she asked me for my Facebook address.

"I don't do Facebook," I said, smiling.

The sound of her jaw hitting the floor caused many people to look over. "You don't do Facebook?" she nearly shrieked, with a degree of severity on par with "you don't do deodorant?" or "you don't advocate the prevention of cruelty to animals?"

I shrugged. "Nope. I looked in on it once with Angus when he was trying to find a mate from college, but it just seemed kinda' pointless-a wall where people you don't know can leave you messages, and you can link to thousands of people you don't know? Why would I do that?"

I do realize I'm a blogger and therefore am talking out of my ass a bit, but what can I say?

She shook her head. "OK, then, what's your MySpace page?"

I smile.

"You don't do MySpace either?" she shrieks again.

No, I don't. That seems even more pointless. On both MySpace and Facebook, all it seems to be is people connecting to anybody and everybody to be friends. The average entry reads "I had toast 4 brekfast and it wuz good. Later!" And the point of Facebook is to use your real name. So, lousy text talk, blowing my cover AND nothing to say, of course I want to join!

(Says the blogger, I know.)

Besides, the point of Facebook is linking up to people from your past.

For someone like me, that's about the scariest idea ever.

So yes. I'm old. I'm old and grouchy and anyday now I'm going to start re-using my teabags four and five times and I'll smell like government cheese.

All because I don't do Facebook and have become part of the furniture.

-H.

OK, so I haven't forgotten! Attached is the poll for what to name the Lemonheads based on your suggestions. If your suggestion didn't make it, it was because we possibly have that name on our "real life" Lemonhead list, we already know someone with that name in our real life, either of us has an ex with that name in real life (which therefore makes the name weirdly uncomfortable, as I'm sure you understand), or it was a name from sci-fi, and while I liked some of them Angus has a long-stated hatred for sci-fi, so out of respect for him we kept the names sci-fi free. Also, we didn't use "unreal" names-much as I got a great laugh out of Thing 1 and Thing 2, I couldn't see myself using those as names for the Lemonheads for the rest of my blog life.

I'll keep the poll up at the top of the blog until Friday, and then I'll announce the results. You can vote once a day and for those that like to remain lurking or hidden, you'll be able to - it doesn't record your IP address, so the voting really is anonymous. Honestly I'm feeling confused about the naming for the Lemonheads on this blog and am hoping for a lot of feedback here, so please vote!

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:41 AM | Comments (18) | Add Comment
Post contains 1263 words, total size 8 kb.

1 Someone I know in real life sent me an invite to Facebook and after I'd picked myself up off the floor I laughed all night. She's met me and she STILL thought I might join! I had someone send me an invite to Twitter too and I thought that was even more pointless. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. One of the better aspects of the lousy summer is that it's been quiet out on a Saturday night. No loud barbies degenerating into drunken screeching. I don't mind drunken screeching as long as it's me that's doing it.

Posted by: Caroline M at September 11, 2007 08:45 AM (x3QDi)

2 As a child of the 80s, I demand (softly) that Jack and Diane be an option! (Okay, yes, those two were lovers and all, but...well...okay, nevermind) And I'm with you on getting old. Texting, disregard for proper spelling, absurd abbreviations, all of it. I feel like Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer: "Your world frightens and confuses me!"

Posted by: Z. Hendirez at September 11, 2007 09:24 AM (otB//)

3 I can't stand any of the social networking sites. In any case, if I liked people from my past so much, I would have kept in touch? I am in touch with all my friends who I wanted to be in touch with and I really don't give a rat's arse about the people I haven't bothered to keep up with and I most certainly do not want to get in touch again. If they annoyed me then, they would annoy me many times over now.

Posted by: p lumpernickel at September 11, 2007 10:01 AM (mVnqO)

4 *shrugs* I seldom text, and if I do I use complete sentences. I think I have a Facebook and MySpace account, but I never use them, or look at them. My yahoo email--not this one, the one I actually use and check regularly--is my real name. Anyone who want's to find me can do so with a google search. I had the revalation about getting older when everyone started gettting tatoos and piercings. Once you say "what the fuck iss WRONG with these kids?" you're officially a grown-up.

Posted by: ~Easy at September 11, 2007 11:38 AM (WdRDV)

5 I knew I was old when last year I yelled at some kids who were sliding down the big snow mounds at the end of our driveway. I mean seriously, we live on a busy street and I could just see one of them careening into oncoming traffic. However, I felt I was just a step away from a hair net and housecoat, standing at the front door with my cat yelling "you damn kids get off my lawn!!" Yipes. Hate, hate, hate Myspace and Facebook. That is all I have to say about that.

Posted by: Teresa at September 11, 2007 12:55 PM (9Tzf6)

6 i think Nick and Nora is a bit 'twinny'?! they are going to be cuties whatever they are called. As for Facebook, i have to confess i will surf it under my other half's name but would never get on it myself - i also fear the past! abs x

Posted by: abs at September 11, 2007 01:22 PM (+gJH8)

7 I joined facebook so I could stalk people I knew in high school. But I'm only 26 and I get mad when the neighbors have a party that goes past midnight, and I text in complete sentences. I'm going to be SO cranky in my old age.

Posted by: geeky at September 11, 2007 01:40 PM (ziVl9)

8 My husband, a software developer for a blog reader, keeps telling me I need to get on Facebook. And that I should use Twitter. He works from home and I am also home with a new baby, and I don't really feel that he needs me to update "changing diaper for 30th time", and it couldn't possibly interest anyone else. I don't really care about the minute-tominue happenings of other people, either. If it's really that interesting, then they'll write a blog about it or send me an email or, heaven forbid, talk to me about it personally. I feel pretty "meh" about Facebook, but I can't *stand* Twitter.

Posted by: Mandalei at September 11, 2007 01:54 PM (O31rw)

9 Good lord, I nearly spit coffee all over my monitor when I read Z.'s suggestion of Jack and Diane. Bwhahahahahaha!!! In any case, I vote Nick & Nora. Furthermore, I demand another critter be added to the zoo and it be named Asta.

Posted by: Ms. Pants at September 11, 2007 02:31 PM (+p4Zf)

10 And also: LeIk OmG-- SuPeR kEwLiEsZzS!1!!! Okay, I was going to do a whole other message like that, but just typing that totally hurt my brain. Stay strong in your boycott of annoying abbreviations, MySpace, and Facebook. Sista Soulja!

Posted by: Ms. Pants at September 11, 2007 02:32 PM (+p4Zf)

11 I always laugh when people realize they're getting old... I've been way ahead of you for a long, long time.

Posted by: sue at September 11, 2007 02:56 PM (WbfZD)

12 Like, OHMIGOD...I know what you mean! Aging sucks, and if it's past 10pm, when I'm trying to read or coax myself into sleep you'd better damn well turn it down. I'm passive aggressive about it too...I just call the cops. As far as those text messages are concerned...I dont have the patience to type something into a phone because it damn well nearly takes me 30 minutes to do it.....just call me... Like totally! At least nobody suggested Luke and Laura....puke!

Posted by: Heidi at September 11, 2007 03:43 PM (lnZ1z)

13 I dunno, even in college we had the consideration to go quiet after 10PM. Granted, that was usually because we had a few underage drinkers on the premises and didn't want any cops to come by, but still. You don't have to be old to be considerate.

Posted by: B. Durbin at September 11, 2007 03:55 PM (tie24)

14 i have twitter. and Myspace. Mostly to keep 15 year old idiots from wandering around the internet with MY name.

Posted by: caltechgirl at September 11, 2007 04:50 PM (/vgMZ)

15 I actually use Facebook, but in my defense, I'm 20 and in college. Otherwise, I'm there with you. I loathe text messages, don't see the point of Twitter and Myspace, and hate noise and loud parties at night. Oh, and I knit, drink tea, love cats, and read a lot. Yay old age!

Posted by: Meredith at September 11, 2007 05:06 PM (Mngmc)

16 lol, haha, what a great idea of the name poll.. of course i've already voted...

Posted by: roxane at September 11, 2007 07:36 PM (ig8+O)

17 Shoot! I missed the initial call for suggestions apparently. Can I do a write-in ballot? __X___ Dash and Lily (Dashiell Hammett and Lillian Hellman)

Posted by: Gina at September 11, 2007 08:49 PM (DodRi)

18 I also detest MySpace and Facebook, and I am proud to say I have never sent a text message in my life. Abbreviations, bad grammar, incorrect spelling and the overuse of exclamation marks make me cringe. I am officially old. I have been for some time now. Turn down that music you kids!

Posted by: Donna at September 14, 2007 04:30 AM (lQSbL)

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