When you have kids you learn kid things.

Not that your child may like certain foods or certain toys, and not that your child may want to be held a certain way.

You learn about children's entertainment.

And I'm not talking about clowns (which are banned in this household no matter how much I love our children, banned I tell you!)

Specifically, you learn to hate children's TV.

In talks with both my brother-in-law (his son - the babies' 16 month old cousin - is a huge fan of a show the babies love) and Pru, I learned that I was not alone in assessing children's TV.

The babies love a hugely popular TV programme over here called In the Night Garden. Yes, that would be the 6 month old babies. No, they don't watch TV. One evening I was cooking and Nick was up with me - he was mesmerized by In the Night Garden, and it's so highly acclaimed for being educational and good for children that I let both of them watch it. In the Night Garden is on every night at 6:25, or it was until CBeebies decided to fuck with our minds and move the timetable around, thereby making their message that "routines are good for kids" null and void as my babes wonder why the hell they can't watch In the Night Garden anymore.

Not familiar with In the Night Garden? This short clip may help.

You might want to go ahead and drop acid now, before the clip starts, as it'll probably make the whole thing make more sense.

According to this website, the show is supposed to be about:

"Filmed in a real woodland setting, In The Night Garden is a magical programme, for the under-4s, about the dreaming time between waking and sleeping. Reached by following a magical little, blue star, the Night Garden is a warm and affectionate world which is home to a comical and diverse community of toys, living happily together."

My ass.

The basis of the show, as far as my mind-numbed brain can work out, is a little chap named Iggle Piggle takes a boat across the Land of Nod, to wind up in the Night Garden. The sail of his boat becomes his little blanket. He interacts with many other character in the Night Garden, all of which have some deep-seated psychological issue.

Iggle Piggle is, inexplicably, blue and furry with an asymmetrical head.

Scary little fucker, isn't he? And he's the lead character. He communicates by squeaks, which drives Gorby nuts. He is the one for whom many rules need not apply - the others have to go to bed at the end of the show, but not Iggle Piggle. He just waves. No one is allowed to use the Night Garden phone but Iggle Piggle. Iggle Piggle thinks he's the boss of him. Iggle Piggle thinks he's the shit. What a narcissist.

The whole thing is narrated by Derek Jacobi. That'd be Sir Derek Jacobi. As in, Sir Derek Jacobi the classically trained Shakesperean actor, singing words like "Iggle Piggle Wiggle Niggle Woo". It's hard for me to get my head around, especially as Sir Derek Jacobi sings the song both off-key and off-tempo. The babies don't seem to notice, but I usually am bleeding from the eardrums. This isn't even taking into account that the narrative is accented by some birds that are colored the wrong colors and sound like musical instruments.

There's a character named Upsy Daisy in the show, too. Upsy Daisy makes me want to punch people. And before I get accused of it, no of course it's not because she appears to be a character who is black. She could be purple - in fact, it might make more sense if she was purple - and I'd still want to punch her.

It's because Upsy Daisy only knows how to say two things: "Upsy Daisy!" and "Daisy Do!". And she says them in a voice that implies helium has been inhaled. And when she wants to dance for everyone she inflates her skirt and twirls around while everyone watches, her knickers visible to the whole damn world. This is, apparently, a modern take on pole dancing. Why use a pole when an inflatable skirt will do? Upsy Daisy also goes around kissing everyone in the Night Garden. She is, as Pru and I agreed, a perky whore. She clearly wants everyone to love her for her kisses. She is not true to herself. She is easily sidetracked. She goes up and down - one moment she's kissing Iggle Piggle, the next she's all "Upsy Daisy!" dealing with a dilemma. She is bipolar if there ever was a bipolar model.

Then there is Makka Pakka. Makka Pakka has issues. Serious, deep-set issues.

Makka Pakka is...well I don't know what the hell he is. I thought he was someone showing a disability, as the BBC is very prone to political correctness (Balamory, for example, has a Fillipina woman in a wheelchair. I'm not saying that people in wheelchairs and minorities shouldn't be shown because of course they should. It's just that you don't see a lot of people who fit that model on a remote island off the coast of Scotland). Makka Pakka pushes what I thought was a Zimmer frame/walker. Then I found out what it was - it's a cart that holds a trumpet, a sponge, a hand dryer, and a bar of soap. Makka Pakka likes to spend his time washing rocks, which is his favorite companion of all. He even sleeps with rocks. He has commitment and attachment issues - bonding with rocks shows a clear inability to relate to people. Anytime you see him, he's enjoying washing rocks. Actually, Makka Pakka enjoys washing anything and whips out his sponge and soap at any hint of a germ which is why he won't travel without his mobile washing cart.

Makka Pakka makes my case of OCD look like a cake walk.

My favorite characters are the Tombliboos. They don't talk either, except to say the word "tombliboo", which they say a lot in a squeaky voice that Shirley Temple would envy. They appear to be three of the same...species...who live together in a hedge. They move as fast as Charlie Chaplin does in the old films. They are bright and colorful and weird and I want to pull on those little round things on the tops of their heads and see if I can make them say a sound other than "tombliboo".

They also all take off their pants and hang them on a washing line before going into the house, for reasons I can't comprehend. Are they incontinent? Are they naturalists? Are we going about it the wrong way by taking off our shoes before going into our house, should we instead take off our trousers? Once inside the Tombliboos go to bed, where they kiss each other a lot and curl up and sleep together.

Naughty, naughty tombliboos.

Characters on In the Night Garden ride around in the Ninky Nonk (I always, always worry I'm going to slip up saying that one) which is a train with lights that Angus says frighten him. And Angus is into lights. It's a hard one for me to reconcile.

I've only ever seen Iggle Piggle and Upsy Daisy in the Ninky Nonk. The Night Garden is clearly s a very elitist society. The shame.

You can also travel by floating green Pinky Ponk. When it flies it makes fart noises. I'm thinking they may want to investigate alternate fuel options. When you fly in the Pinky Ponk, you can drink Pinky Ponk Juice, which makes everyone happy. Angus and I are usually sitting there with glazed eyes, thinking about drinking our Pinky Ponk Juice, too.

The Pinky Ponk is, in essence, a giant floating bar, enabling all of the Night Garden characters' neurosis.

Finally there are the Ponty Pines.

You can see them on that YouTube clip I have above - they're two families of tiny blue and red people. Only you never see the blue people. I thought it was becaues the BBC was blueist and against blue people. I've since figured out the truth - it's not that the BBC is blueist. The blue Ponty Pines are agoraphobic. You see them in the closing dance scene, but other than that I think they use the handle of a broom to push their empty milk bottles outside their door and beg their postman to go away, spending hours online talking to other agoraphobics. Their neighbors, the red Ponty Pines, are a family of 10 - Ma and Pa Ponty Pine, who dress in a way that clearly implies they are immigrants to the Night Garden, perhaps serving up traditional casserole dishes and piping in satellite TV from their Mother Land, plus 8 children who look to be the same age. The Ponty Pine children are clearly octuplets, which Ma and Pa Ponty Pine conceived using fertility drugs. They all share one bedroom, because Ma Ponty Pine carried all 8 children to term and then their sponsorship deal with Oprah ran dry, forcing them to relocate to sub-standard semi-detached housing.

This show is what the babies love.

They sit there, mesmerized, as we watch stories of the characters.

I make up my own stories to go along, because you do what you can.

-H.

PS-of course In the Night Garden is very sweet and educational - all about sharing and friendship and consideration. There's not an evil bone in those bodies. But you do go a bit mad watching episode after episode, and giving each character their own psychological condition just ups the adult fun element.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:19 AM | Comments (33) | Add Comment
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