I'd been struggling. Really struggling, like uphill salmon in the stream struggling. I'm prone to panic and depression lately as I try to figure out what's what. I'm over the moon that I'm going to be a mother but the overwhelmingness that is twins and the impact of twins has been taking its toll-financial worries, emotional worries, worries from a pure space perspective...it's all exhausting. Plus we had Operation Duck and Cover last week (more on that soon, but suffice to say that no matter how bad I thought it would be, the response far exceeded my negative expectations.) No matter where I turned it was darkness about the babies. Everywhere.

Even with me.

I had a minor meltdown Wednesday afternoon after the midwife appointment, when I couldn't answer basic questions. I have no idea how much to feed a baby. I don't know how to burp a baby. I don't know how to settle a baby and I don't know how to handle months of no sleep and if one more fucking person cracks a joke about how having twins means never sleeping agan I swear to God I'm going to hurt them in a very profound and permanent way. I was so overwhelmed I was drowning. The midwife pronounced the babies and I healthy and in good shape. Angus and I had a heated discussion, mostly because I'm in that "nesting" stage and not a damn thing has been done about their nursery, nor is there any sign of doing so, and it was such a priority in my head it was a neon flashing sign screaming "You don't know what you're doing, you dumb bitch!"

I was so tired of feeling so negative about absolutely everything.

A lot has been happening.

So on our return from Scotland on Wednesday (after the midwfie), we decided to take the kids to the movies with Angus' brother and his 5 year-old daughter. When we got to the theatre, I had to go to the bathroom, but unusually for me, when I got there nothing came out. At all. The entire movie passed (The Simpsons Movie, which I recommend) and my bladder felt so full I was going to burst. I rushed to the bathrooms after the film but once again...nothing.

I knew I had a problem then.

I told Angus, who conferred with me as we drove to his brother's house, where we were all due for a curry. We decided to bow out of the curry as Angus and the kids piled into the car and they dropped me off at our hospital, and Angus would feed the kids, settle them into bed, then come back for me.

Only he never got to come back for me. I was admitted on the spot, as by the time I'd gotten to the hospital I was passing blood, blood clots, and in so much pain I couldn't hold still. They checked my cervix and told me that the door, she was shut, and that the Lemonheads weren't currently on their way. But I was admitted because it was a real risk-the doctors were certain I had some kind of infection brewing, and in pregnancy infections can cause pre-term labor. They were so serious about it that I was promptly started on hardcore steroid injections designed to develop the Lemonheads' lungs as fast as possible, because there was a chance they would be coming.

On Wednesday I was 26 weeks pregnant exactly.

The babies are healthy and active, but they're not large. They're long and lean, but don't weight enough to have great odds. Their birth would have been a bad thing.

By 3 am I was settled in the maternity ward, in the antenatal wing. I was on heavy antibiotics. They gave me only paracetamol (Tylenol) to take. I spent most of that night on the toilet screaming in pain, passing blood clots with worrying frequency.

The next morning they took me for a renal scan. The doctors were convinced I had something wrong with my plumbing (wonder how they guessed.) My kidneys are squashed high up in my ribcage now, courtesy of my handbag uterus toting two little tykes. A scan revealed my right kidney was badly affected by hydronephrosis, a condition the doctors feel will clear up as soon as the babies are born and my organs re-settle where they belong. The hydronephrosis has resulted in a severe kidney infection.

Over the next few days, the kidney infection spread to cystitis, because misery loves company and because if it can go wrong, it will.

On Friday it all got much worse.

The ward was very, very busy. Women were going into labor everywhere. I stayed on the IV antibiotics and trudged painfully to the toilet often, hoping and praying I'd get to pee. The antibiotics weren't working fast-the strain of infection I have needed the one antibiotic I'm allergic to, so the alternate antibiotic was taking its sweet time. On the way back from the toilet I had a massive Braxton Hicks contraction.

But the contraction didn't go away.

I was soon doubled over in pain. I asked a nice midwife for some paracetamol and she said she'd bring me some. Before she could, two more women went into labor, and when the woman next to me started off for her C-section, a midwife passing by took one look at my face and then rushed to my side. By this time I was rolling around the bed in agony, sharp knife-like pains shooting up my back and my stomach one hard massive fist of uterus. I was surrounded by midwives as they swamped me with kit. My blood pressure was 145/100, a number that's extraordinarily high for someone like me who has very low blood pressure. The babies had stopped moving or I couldn't feel them through my steel trap uterus, I wasn't sure, but there was nothing happening in there.

I didn't know it at the time, but they rang down and cleared a bed in the delivery room for me. They were sure I was going into labor. I'm glad they didn't tell me that. I knew that the concern was I was going into labor, which again would have been a disaster, but I didn't know they were that sure I was headed there.

Then they got the monitor out to listen to the heartbeats.

They couldn't find them.

They kept trying. They barked orders for ultrasound kit. They passed looks with each other.

And I felt a kind of agony inside that I've never felt before, not ever. I'm a pessimist to the highest degree. I expect the worst to happen and I generally brace myself for it. But nothing in my whole tiny, insignificant little world, prepared me for the moment when the heartbeats of my children couldn't be heard. There is nothing in my little handbook of life that tells me how to handle that single moment when I learn that my children are gone. And there aren't enough synonyms to tell you how I felt in that moment, a moment which still seems suspended in time, and which will in the darkest of nights come back to me, unbidden, unwanted.

An ultrasound was found, and the babies were picked up. The one on the left - our daughter, the very active baby - had her heartbeat right away. She wasn't moving and was showing a high heartbeat level, but as I was in distress she was reacting to it. It took a minute to find our son's heartbeat on the scan, but soon enough they did.

And even though I was still thrashing on the bed in pain, I didn't care anymore. They were alive. That's all I cared about. It was as complicated and simple as that-they were alive. Nothing else mattered.

It transpired that the ureter between my right kidney and the bladder was now so compacted that stones were forming. The massive pain and symptoms I had weren't the babies coming early but of kidney stones coming. I felt incredibly stupid for the whole drama being caused over some kidney stones.

I've never had kidney stones before and I'd heard they were painful, but seriously? You know what I'd say about kidney stones? I've got one word. Motherfucker. Because that's the only thing that your brain can squeak out when those bad boys appear.

They broke out the party pack of grown-up painkillers, and for the next two days the babies and I slept through a haze of narcotics.

There are many things I will never forget-the kind smile and comforting hand of a midwife as she inserted a catheter on Saturday to help ease me. The feeling of alternating between fever and chill of infection. The resultant kicks the Lemonheads would reward me with when they heard other newborns on the ward. But one thing I'll remember is late Saturday, after Angus had left upon the closing of visiting hours. I hadn't felt the babies in a while, the drugs were making us all too drowsy, and I worried about them because if you don't feel them for a while you imagine the worst, so I got out my iPod.

There's a song I heard by chance when this IVF round started. I heard it and I listened to it constantly, as it's a sweet, calming, pure song that goes in one ear and right out the top of your toe, massaging every nerve in comfort on its way out. I listened to this song through the shots, the surgeries, the positives, the scans, the scares. This song has been with the Lemonheads since before their existence. I got the headphones and placed one beside one baby, one beside the other.

I hit play.

I heard the song myself as I watched the slide move, indicating the song was playing.

I waited.

And waited.

Then I felt it - a flutter from the left. A kick from the right. Mama, we're sleepy.

I smiled as the song ended, then plugged the iPod into my own ears and fell back asleep listening to the song.

My priorities have changed. The nursery no longer matters to me. The babies can have a crib in the study for all I care, maybe it's not painted, maybe nothing matches, maybe nothing looks perfect. It's not important. My "high-risk" pregnancy truly has gone high risk now, as although we're still working to clear my infections the hydronephrosis has me facing huge chances the infections will happen again. With infection comes the risk of pre-term labor. We really are at the point of counting down days, trying to get to a place of greater safety. From here on the babies will get scanned every two weeks as will my kidneys. I'm uncomfortable and in pain, actually. I'm exhausted and my body is in shit shape from fighting infection. I get tired walking from one room to another, and I breathe like a bulldog from the exertion of it all. I'll get better, I'm sure. As the infections finally go away I'll feel better and I will hopefully stop sounding like a pug dog.

And what's important to me is Angus' kids. And the Lemonheads. And above all, Angus himself (who busted me out of there yesterday and is taking care of me at home now). And everything else can wait and take a back seat while I bury my face in the smell of it all and inhale as deeply as I can. My feeling of being overwhelmed has blown over in a storm that consisted of electric beds, pink striped uniforms and needles. Instead I have a steady throb of greatest affection and of hope.

Many huge, huge thanks to Ilyka for being a fantastic guest poster and a great friend. I can never repay you babe. How about a round of applause for her?

Thanks for being great out there. Thanks for the well-wishes. Thanks for the support.

And thanks to the midwives out there, with their kind eyes and gentle hands. I appreciate you.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:34 AM | Comments (36) | Add Comment
Post contains 2026 words, total size 11 kb.

1 I am glad you are home and on the mend!

Posted by: justme at July 30, 2007 09:31 AM (DK4ZC)

2 So sorry the pregnancy is getting even more complicated. I am glad you are back home and the infection is gone. Take extra good care of yourself.

Posted by: marie-baguettte at July 30, 2007 10:08 AM (BNqmF)

3 So glad you're home..nothing makes you feel better than being home. Take really good care of yourself and the lemonheads and I'm sure everything will turn out well.

Posted by: Suzie at July 30, 2007 10:56 AM (YqqaU)

4 Ah-ha, I got it wrong. You had the pregnancy-induced hydronephrosis and not the secondary-to-infection hydronephrosis. How nice of me to mess that up for your readers! Well, here is fervently hoping El Hydro doesn't come back in any form whatsoever. I felt incredibly stupid for the whole drama being caused over some kidney stones. Yeah, I was going to yell at you for this?* But you got it right: MOTHERFUCKER. "Kidney stones" are the favorite thing of hardcore junkies to fake after "migraine headache," and because why? Because kidney stones and migraine headaches are the two most painful things that (1) just about guarantee you narcotics and (2) are difficult to diagnose via imaging (a CT head will not show a migraine in action, and neither a KUB nor a CT-IVP are guaranteed to show stones, even if they are there). Kidney stones are excruciatingly painful, is what I'm saying, and don't ever feel bad complaining about them. It's only natural to do so. *Not really.

Posted by: ilyka at July 30, 2007 11:04 AM (c5ADe)

5 Welcome back, babe. Kidney stones... *shudders.*

Posted by: redsaid at July 30, 2007 11:29 AM (ycOyc)

6 "I have no idea how much to feed a baby. I don't know how to burp a baby. I don't know how to settle a baby and I don't know how to handle months of no sleep" No one does. It's part of the constant terror of being a parent. You'll do fine. Kidney stones...yikes! I have no words. I think that "motherfucker! was probably appropriate. But you didn't answer the question that I really wanted the answer to: Did you finish Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows"?

Posted by: ~Easy at July 30, 2007 11:58 AM (X+de8)

7 Oh my dear! I've been away all weekend and worrying for you and the lemon heads. I'm glad their hanging in, and hopefully things will improve. As bad as the Duck and Cover may have been, at least it's done. Take care and get some rest :-)

Posted by: Angela at July 30, 2007 11:58 AM (DGWM7)

8 Helen, I'm so glad you're home and on the mend. I wondered all weekend how you were. Try not to beat yourself worrying about all the how's of raising babies. I think it's something all parents-to-be go through and it's damn scary. You'll figure out how to feed the babes and get them to sleep. You'll make the finances and logistics of space work, too.

Posted by: selzach at July 30, 2007 12:32 PM (e7L5K)

9 Please hold to that hope and great affection. I'm pulling for you, Helen. You are right that it doesn't matter if the nursery isn't done. The babies will not care one bit where they sleep.

Posted by: kenju at July 30, 2007 12:39 PM (DBvE5)

10 Thanks for hosting Ilyka...good job. I'm sorry for all your suffering Helen and hope you recover quickly, and (I hope you don't mind) I'm praying for you. : ) For what it's worth, my sister had a dresser drawer for a bassinette and slept in my parents' room. I'm sure the Lemonheads will have much nicer accommodations even if you don't do anything else from now until birth. : ) HOW to burp isn't a big deal...you can learn that in 2 minutes. THAT you burp them IS a big deal. We bottle fed Angel1, and I'd frequently feed her the entire bottle forgetting that I was supposed to burp her midway through. I can't imagine why she threw up on me so much. : ) We live and learn, and our kids grow up healthy in spite of our learning curve.

Posted by: Solomon at July 30, 2007 12:46 PM (x+GoF)

11 I didn’t know how to feed the kid either – but the kid knows and they’ll tell you. Never burped a baby either, but you’ll figure it out unless you want to spend those precious possible sleep moments cleaning up all the spit-up. I didn’t know how to settle a baby either. Turns out, ours liked to be swaddled tightly and an upturned pinky finger (yours) in the mouth. Btw – we learned all of the above in the hospital before we even came home. Trust me, you’ll figure it out when you need to know it. As for the no sleep – that’s why they tell you to write down all the feedings and diapers for the first two weeks. After two weeks, you’re still not sleeping, but you’ve adapted. She’s almost two now and I don’t guess I’ll ever sleep soundly again. Maybe once she’s married…

Posted by: Clancy at July 30, 2007 01:24 PM (X+xFB)

12 Take care of yourself and those lovely Lemonheads... the rest will take care of itself. Ilyka- you did good.

Posted by: sue at July 30, 2007 01:47 PM (WbfZD)

13 What you do is tick stuff in their mouths. If they eat or drink it, they were hungry. After a few minutes, put them up on your shoulder, and pat them just above their butts. Alot of the time they will do it on their own as soon as you put them up there. You are bottle feeding so you will know how much they ate. Change when wet or messy. Bathe when stinky. On their back to sleep. Talk to them. Love them. It's not rocket science, if it was, alot of us wouldn't be here. Biggest tip? Don't worry, you'll do fine, if you tense up, they will know..... You'll be great, but of all things for you to get now, damn. Looking forward to duck and cover story too.

Posted by: Donna at July 30, 2007 02:19 PM (3ir3Z)

14 Duh, STICK not tick, ack!

Posted by: Donna at July 30, 2007 02:20 PM (3ir3Z)

15 I haven't posted on my blog in about a year so I didn't leave the link. I was wondering what the song was you were listening to.

Posted by: Melissa at July 30, 2007 03:22 PM (B3YpC)

16 Glad you are safe and home; what an ordeal for all of you! I am also VERY glad that this experience, as awful as it was, has at least brought you greater understanding of what's really important. As you listed; Angus, the kids, the babies. How to burp and "settle", whatever...that comes with having them. Everyone must go through it; all the pre-knowledge in the world isn't going to be the same as just doing it. And it's really not that hard, if we can just get our silly brains out of the way with its constant haranguing about the "right" way to do this or that. Relieved you are okay, Helen.

Posted by: The other Amber at July 30, 2007 03:23 PM (zQE5D)

17 First off, thanks so much to Ilyka, whose posts I enjoyed while you were away. ::: throws single roses and applauds ::: Well done. Next, I'm so very glad you're home where you can really rest and recuperate. I can't imagine dealing with kidney stones and the worry of premature labor - the mental anguish alone must have been completely debilitating. I'm glad Operation Duck and Cover is over, and sorry it wasn't less messy. She doesn't sound like a very stable or confident person on her own, so I guess messy might be par for the course. I'm proud of all of you for getting it out of the way. She may never love your babies, but she will have to learn to accept their existence, and Angus' kids seem to be able to be strong due to their being confident in your love for them. This is a good thing. I will admit to wondering if you finished the HP book as well, but if you did it must have been before you returned from Scotland into complete chaos. I read it last week and thought about you and wondered if you were reading it too. I would imagine you didn't read much in the hospital. One question - what was the song in the iPod? I don't remember reading about there being a special song - maybe you want to keep that detail to yourself? I suppose you *are* allowed to do that now and then. LOL You're so generous with sharing other bits with everyone. Long comment, sorry. But I missed you and was worried about you. I'm glad you're back, now rest and take care of yourself and those babies. Try not to worry about the mechanics of taking care of babies after their birth - it really does all fall into place while you're in a haze, and you come out of the fog just *knowing* what to do somehow. It will all be okay in the long run, you'll see. (I was going to mention sleeping in a dresser drawer but Solomon beat me to it.)

Posted by: Lisa at July 30, 2007 03:30 PM (e8V7B)

18 Oh my poor Helen-what hell you have been through! My sister has a small framed quote my mom gave her when she had her son. I think it sums it all up: "Making the decision to have a child--it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." She gave my this one when I had my daughter: “No language can express the power and beauty and heroism of a mother's love.“ You are going to be a great mom. It all falls into place once they are in your arms. Trust. I had no fucking idea what I was doing, and I am a totally bitchin' mom. And Ilyka? You rocked the house-thanks.

Posted by: Teresa at July 30, 2007 04:39 PM (ytLPx)

19 Let me edit myself: You already are a great mom.

Posted by: Teresa at July 30, 2007 04:41 PM (ytLPx)

20 I'll pass on assvice, if that is the right term for this. Mothering is nothing more than a learned skill. Your love and devotion to them is visceral and fierce, but taking care of them is something you learn and get in the habit of. Take the class on the basics if there is one for stuff like burping techniques and bathing and diapering if you feel like you don't know how to do that stuff. And they'll show you in the hospital after you deliver,I am sure. Bridget is nine months old and I still don't know how much to feed her, if that makes you feel any better! I just call the pediatrician a lot. I'm hoping that you feel better soon and that the Lemonhead gets off your ureter soon so you can pee pain-free. Thinking of you!

Posted by: donna at July 30, 2007 05:22 PM (Kco5r)

21 Well, if anything prepared you for labor, I'm guessing the kidney stones did. I've never had one but have heard they're terribly painful. Good to hear you're all doing (moderately) well. In all the noise and haste, did Angus end up telling the ex-wife about the Lemonheads?

Posted by: Tracy at July 30, 2007 05:38 PM (zVCYR)

22 What Teresa said. You are already a great Mom. So what if you aren't yet sure of the nuts and bolts? I suspect they'll teach you what you need to know. And if not, their Daddy will help. Super Fabulous Wonderful Happy that you're home and getting well. All my love.

Posted by: caltechgirl at July 30, 2007 05:46 PM (/vgMZ)

23 I'm so sorry about the kidney stones; I unfortunately remember the agony too well. That memory is likely to remain after I've forgotten how to tie my shoes. I'm extra glad that the Lemonheads are okay. I especially liked this comment: They were alive. That's all I cared about. It was as complicated and simple as that-they were alive. Nothing else mattered. As I've mentioned before, you're already a mother. Putting the health and safety of your kids before everything else merely reaffirms this. And I think that your children will be profoundly lucky to have you as their mother. Take care. And stay away from more kidney stones.

Posted by: physics geek at July 30, 2007 07:02 PM (MT22W)

24 A friend of mine had hydronephrosis late in her pregnancy as well. She was hospitalized for a few days. In the end she had a smooth delivery and no recurrence of the infection. I really wish you the best and that you stay very healthy as you await your little ones' arrival.

Posted by: Gabriella at July 30, 2007 07:23 PM (5/LCh)

25 Many thanks to Ilyka, who did commendably well despite my throwing temper tantrums over your goddam fucking shitass blog antispam program that tried to nuke me. (damn, there I go again. Sorry.) I'm sorry to hear of the pain you're in, as well as the pain of suffering those that don't support you or your life (duck and cover, huh?) and I sincerely hope things will improve for you and your family, and that the twins will be born healthy. I look forward to the future when you can blog about the joys of motherhood and the love of your babies. And if you haven't already, check out the post where Ilyka told us to say nice things about you. I had a few things, and many others did too. Something to cheer you up.

Posted by: diamond dave at July 30, 2007 08:44 PM (V9zMt)

26 Diamond Dave - Ilyka sent me the link from Love Helen Friday. You lot made me cry. Good tears. I don't deserve any of you or the nice things that were said, but I'm awfully damn glad you're here with me. PS-sorry about the fucked up anti-spam. I am migrating the blog at some point in a drama-free future, at which point I encourage any words you can think of throwing at it.

Posted by: Helen at July 30, 2007 09:20 PM (C6Kbb)

27 Dude. You're going to be a fantastic mama. No one knows what the hell we're doing when they first hand us our kids, it's an on the fly lesson, but you figure it out as you go. You love them, that's the most important thing. Well that and if you put boy lemonhead in a sweater vest, I'm disowning you.

Posted by: statia at July 30, 2007 10:10 PM (lHsKN)

28 So when I finally checked in to my flickr page, after a long computer-hiatus, and saw the picture from your hospital bed, I have to admit my heart leaped out of my chest a bit till I realized you were alright (or at least better). I'm so glad you're home and you and the little ones are safe.

Posted by: maolcolm at July 30, 2007 10:37 PM (45Ecv)

29 As always, you remain in my prayers.

Posted by: oddybobo at July 30, 2007 10:49 PM (mZfwW)

30 Oh my, I am sorry you have had such a rough go of things. The babies will not come with any instructions attached, so you'll have your keen mind and big heart to rely and all will be fine! Take very good care!

Posted by: Steff at July 30, 2007 11:18 PM (SrnvE)

31 Welcome to the mama club. It's for real and you're gonna be a stellar life-time member...

Posted by: Marie at July 31, 2007 03:24 AM (OmG0X)

32 They are going to be fine! I send you my baby-luck as the mom of a 27 weeker - who is now about to get his license and is 5'11"/132 lbs up from his 1 lb 12 oz 14" birth. My mom, surprisingly, gave me the best advice about my tumultuous pregnancy and early deliveries. She said "When he turns 2 and is driving you nuts - or for that matter whenever his stubborness makes you scream - remember that this bullheadedness is what brought him through." This advice has saved him many a time. You are doing great. Come real close to the screen and Ill tell you the Parent's Secret - we are all making it up as we go along. No two kids eat alike, digest alike, think alike, etc. Dont let anyone make you feel like you dont know what you're doing.

Posted by: That Girl at July 31, 2007 04:59 AM (s5Uyz)

33 Holy Christ girl, you keep scaring the carp out of me! Just for a moment there, in the middle of that post...*shudder*...ok I'm coming back from the ledge now. I'm so happy to hear that you and your Lemonheads are home now.

Posted by: Donna at July 31, 2007 06:22 AM (lQSbL)

34 I am thrilled that you're on the mend and that the Lemonheads are okay. I had a kidney stone earlier this year and it was the most god-awful pain I've ever experienced. Thank goodness for pain medication.

Posted by: kitty at July 31, 2007 05:23 PM (Zl4mu)

35 I had terrible Braxton hicks both pregnancies. My Midwife told me to drink and drink water and lay on my left side... she was right it helped. The emotional side of pregnancy can be rough on some. It is called Hormones. Keep it in check.... I too was a frightened new Mother...as never baby sitting , never being around babies. Guess what they will let you know when they are hungry, and when they are wet! They will have you trained in no time. One can go on 3 hours of sleep at a shot for a long time.... Good luck

Posted by: armywifetoddlermom at August 03, 2007 06:44 PM (TabtH)

36 Oh my goodness... Please know that you and the lemonheads are in my thoughts...

Posted by: Richmond at August 04, 2007 11:15 PM (gZB7C)

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