Day 1 - Period has ended. Whew. Glad that housecleaning is overwith. Like clockwork here - Helen changes the sheets every Sunday, I turn up and clean out the uterus every 28 days. And I like to come on in and fuck up Helen's Sunday sheet changing a little, too. Makes life interesting. Now on to ensuring that Helen's so dry post-Mooncup and post-tampon that shagging will feel like she's riding a sandpaper saddle.

Day 3 - Still a bit Sahara down there, Helen? Want to rethink going back to pads? With wings, since all pads secretly want to fly?

Day 5 - Huh. I'm bored.

Day 10-Think I'll ramp up the old cervical mucus, a little crotch snot is always good for a laugh.

Day 11-This rocks. Since Helen was pregnant once before I like to remind her that we are ready and waiting to do it again and on a much larger scale. It'll be big fun. If she thinks her ovulation fluids were high before pregnancy, she hasn't seen anything yet. Men-to the hoses!

Day 12-Helen's at the point now where she has to wear neutral colored knickers. I love this point. She hides her black knickers because of the silver-colored streaks on them. She tells Angus they're due to new laundry detergent. She's really only fooling herself.

Day 14-Helen's pants have been slimed. I shot her right off the passenger seat of the car earlier today. The pituitary and I were cracking up.

Day 14.5-Helen is seriously horny.

Day 15-Poor Angus.

Day 16-Maybe there's some kind of cream he can use, that looks pretty chafed.

Day 17-What, are you going to just waste this egg and this nice cushy uterus that I lined in hot shagpile carpet? With disco ball and black leather bar stools? Christ what a tragedy. All this work for nothing.

Day 20-Helen wants salt. Helen never uses salt, not ever.

Day 21-Helen considers installing salt lick in the bathroom to alleviate her salt needs.

Day 22-Helen has switched over to carbs. She's eaten more cereal today than a hamster does in a lifetime.

Day 23-Helen still eating all the carbs she can get her hands on. Earlier I saw her gnawing on a bookshelf. Think I'll give her a chin zit to piss her off, one of those deep gigantic ones that no amount of popping or concealer will cover. Think I'll make her cry now, too. Or maybe I'll make her obsessive, that's a fun game. If only there was a Container Store nearby, it'd really send her over the edge.

Day 24-Helen in fits of tears over a dog food commercial. Then an episode of CSI had her in puddles. Think I'll switch gears and make her angry.

Day 24.5-Helen spent ten minutes utilizing new and inventive ways to use the word "Fuck". I put my feet up on her mammaries and laughed my ass off.

Day 25-Helen may never poop again.

Day 26-Helen popping laxatives and bread. She needs to invent laxative-laced bread, she can serve two gods that way. Ooh! I know! I should throw a bit of bloating her way. She'll feel like that loaf of Wonder Bread she's coveting.

Day 27-Helen's expecting me tomorrow, think I'll fuck her off and come early instead.

Day 27.5-HA! Nailed her knickers and her trousers while she was making the nursery run. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. My evil plan continues to rule her life. God, here she comes with that Mooncup thing. Doesn't she know that only holds blood flow for pubescents? Helen, babe, once a Bichon Frise-sized tampon girl, always a Bichon Frise-sized tampon girl. I'll wait to remind her of that when she's entering the pool for the twins' first swimming class.

Day 28-Open taps, here comes the flood. Where's Moses when you need him?

- H.

* And I wonder why there seem to be fewer men around here.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:48 AM | Comments (29) | Add Comment
Post contains 657 words, total size 4 kb.

1 OK...should I be laughing??? Because I am TOTALLY laughing. And sympathizing. But laughing, too

Posted by: justdawn at April 25, 2008 09:19 AM (Kng+Q)

2 This is so damn hilarious. I kept thinking I needed to do my own but it would be so similar. I really do feel for our husbands when our eggs throw our desires to the peak...but hey, they shouldn't be complaining, right? Right? Of course, if you are trying not to try to conceive it only means that there are two weeks a month where you are bitchy.

Posted by: Melissa at April 25, 2008 09:23 AM (+Wg/4)

3 LOL.

Posted by: melanie at April 25, 2008 09:49 AM (zBu/6)

4 Laughing - and hoping this isn't giving my personal MMV ideas...... Any chance of violence against that thing? It really makes me wonder why us women fight so hard to be equal in the work world, when we have to deal with stuff.

Posted by: Hannah at April 25, 2008 09:50 AM (hjBAP)

5 Track backs aren't working...but I referenced this post today. You rock, by the way.

Posted by: Lauren at April 25, 2008 11:43 AM (iUfJz)

6 Can I forward this to my husband so he knows what REALLY goes on in my cycle! Except I need to throw in a "have sex purely for making babies purposes, no fun allowed" every second day from slime day onwards! Jeez hormones, would you give us a break?!?!

Posted by: Super Sarah at April 25, 2008 12:26 PM (d7dEB)

7 Saw the title of the post, knew what it was about, knew I'd regret reading it, and STILL read it. *sigh* I'd better get my coffee now.

Posted by: ~Easy at April 25, 2008 12:50 PM (IVGWz)

8 Symapathy? Check. Laughter at your expense? Check check.

Posted by: Teresa at April 25, 2008 12:57 PM (jj/nf)

9 Hilarious! But man do I hate that sandpaper stage!

Posted by: Waiting Amy at April 25, 2008 01:07 PM (ecQ9f)

10 LOL! The things we women live with.

Posted by: geeky at April 25, 2008 01:20 PM (ziVl9)

11 Hahaha! You crack me up. I sympathize too, of course, but first came the laughter.

Posted by: Lisa at April 25, 2008 01:45 PM (EcHBm)

12 This is so amazingly funny, I can't stop laughing. Even though I'm post menopausal by a few years now, you brought back so many memories of my 35-plus years of 'fun' with hormones. You hit every facet of that 'fun'. I only wish I had blogs like yours to read when I was your age. Fabulous post (along with all the others you've written!)

Posted by: SueB at April 25, 2008 01:46 PM (h2wrz)

13 Hilarious!

Posted by: Jen at April 25, 2008 02:11 PM (FYm8s)

14 Okay, so maybe I'm the only guy to read it and certainly the only guy who bothered to comment, but I can through a little sympathy and laughter your way. It's only worse when the whole hormone thing is completely out of balance and really crazy stuff starts happening. Christopher P.S. Most guys SHOULD read this just to get some clue of what you ladies have to go through.

Posted by: Mr.Thomas at April 25, 2008 03:18 PM (bB3uL)

15 It was the hyperlink to cervical mucus that got me!!

Posted by: B at April 25, 2008 04:24 PM (NfQ20)

16 Ahhh the bad old days. Before I had my hysterectomy the Cardinal there was with me all the time making my life hell. I can ALMOST read that post with a sense of nostalgia but I read it mostly with relief that I didn't have to go through that anymore.

Posted by: lostdawill at April 25, 2008 04:53 PM (jR/Pl)

17 Mr. Thomas - you're not the only guy. Easy's a chap, although I'm not sure if the coffee's been able to clear his mind yet of all this or not

Posted by: Helen at April 25, 2008 05:43 PM (qcoRS)

18 You scare me! I havent had a visit yet... Nathan is coming up on 7 months. Thanks for reminding me how much it will suck.

Posted by: Christina at April 25, 2008 06:43 PM (J6Yo6)

19 I did not realize that. Although I suppose with a couple daughters, there's not a lot that would shock him. Christopher

Posted by: Mr.Thomas at April 25, 2008 07:34 PM (bB3uL)

20 {speechless} You are my punishment for indulging in that extra-large, fully loaded sub sandwich I had for lunch today. Blech.

Posted by: diamond dave at April 25, 2008 07:35 PM (QLeVF)

21 Sorry, babe, I live with a girl that tells me her hormone diary realtime. I'm afraid that girlie bits hold no more secrets to me. This does not necessarily make ma Happy, per se, but knowledge is power. at least, that's what I tell meself. Cheers.

Posted by: Tommy at April 26, 2008 01:14 AM (Ffmbd)

22 i feel your pain...i truly do. i had to laugh though.. our bodies can be such evil little snots to us.. mine makes me run for the carmel..while the party goes on..lol.. hugs you hope you have a better day

Posted by: tonya cinnamon at April 26, 2008 02:37 PM (IP8V7)

23 Wanna know what worse? Having "discharge" issues x3 and you can't do your own laundry! Lord only knows what my mom thinks I am up to while on bed rest. Thankfully she's the silent type. I feel for you and dread the return of the hormone roller coaster.

Posted by: Michele at April 26, 2008 03:13 PM (h1vml)

24 I just found your blog and this post is so true! I've been laughing for 30 min. Thank you!

Posted by: Nodin's Nest at April 26, 2008 11:20 PM (AiJXe)

25 You make me laugh.

Posted by: Tina at April 27, 2008 01:54 PM (oU2hz)

26 Oh, yeah... those days I remember well. Sorry, but I'm laughing, too!

Posted by: sue at April 29, 2008 03:03 PM (WbfZD)

27 Heh. I'm reminded of an old friend of mine who, because she was marathon runner, hadn't had a period in over two years. Her doctor was concerned a bit and prescribed some hormones to kind of force the issue. I still remember the following exchange that I had with her a few days later: "So, did it work?" "Oh my God, I'm bleeding so much that I want to tie a tourniquet around my waist! Quick, give me your belt." ========== Also, I'm married. I'm as intimately aquainted with the moon cycle as anyone sans uterus can be. Besides, Helen, you know that I could never quit you. And not just because you make me laugh, either.

Posted by: physics geek at April 29, 2008 05:30 PM (MT22W)

28 This is awesome, you are an absolute Gem

Posted by: Alice at April 30, 2008 11:06 AM (nWRMa)

29 Oh my goodnes...LOL....I think I'm in love with you!

Posted by: sparklykatt at May 01, 2008 01:33 AM (8SRDh)

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