Oh fuck.

These are the first words I think as I turn on my laptop and find that things are not working according to plan.

Sitting next to my laptop is the memory I had to order for the creaking, 5 year-old much abused laptop I carry around. I'd order a new one, but my success with laptops is not good, and this one is robust enough to stand me. So I order more memory just to keep the damn thing alive but frankly, I hate it.

But things aren't looking very healthy in laptop land just now.

So I wearily realize that I have to do the one thing in the world I dread the most. I dread this more than I dread paying taxes. I dread this more than that womanly yearly exam, with the heels pointing to God and a doctor in my snatch who always (bizarrely) wants to talk about the weather. I dread this more than I dread ironing, and nothing is as off-putting as ironing.

I called the Help Desk.

Help Desks, I am sure, have their purposes. In some far away lands where princes slay shiny red dragons and orgasms are sold in the penny candy shop, there exist Help Desks that really are helpful. Somewhere, Help Desks exist, and not just in my imagination, like Comfortable Tampons and Jake Gyllenhaal at My Beck and Call-all real things, all documented options.

And I am ashamed to admit it, but often I lose my patience with our Help Desk.

My call today went something like this:

Help Desk: Hello Help Desk, please confirm your name and employee number.
Me: I'm Helen Adelaide, number Alpha-Delta-Tango-Bravo-6-6-7-3-Charlie (that's not really it, but sounds cooler than my real employee number).
Help Desk: Thank you Helen, what seems to be the problem?
Me: My VPN client isn't working.
Help Desk: What's the problem?
Me: I get "Host Not Responding".
Help Desk: OK, first you will need to reset your password-
Me: Actually, I don't need to reset my password but I somehow knew you'd tell me that, so I reset it anyway.
Help Desk: You will need to re-start your computer.

(This is the Help Desk equivalent of telling an infertile woman to "just relax". It's pointless, patronizing, and NEVER EVER solves the problem).

Me: I anticipated you'd say that, and I did it already.
Help Desk: I'd like you to do it again while I am on the line.
Me: Why, did I fail "Microsoft Windows Re-Boot 101"? I already did it. Trust me.
Help Desk: How do I know you re-started the PC correctly?

I am floored.

Me: Well, I went to "Start", chose "Re-start computer", and the screen went black. Then it came up again, and boom! I logged back in! In between, I went and got an apple and a bowl of soup, so while it's possible it started the modern Matthew Broderick-less version of War Games, that doesn't appear to have happened because no one is asking me if I would like to play a game.

He takes that as a sign to move on.

Help Desk: I will need the login information to your router.
Me: I'm not going to give you that information.
Help Desk: But it could be your router.
Me: No, it can't. The router is currently powering 3 other networks and 2 other phones in our home and they have no problem whatsoever. This is not a router problem.
Help Desk: Could I put you on hold?

(I have no hold music, that makes me feel weird. He comes back.)

Help Desk: Could be your dial-up.
Me: I'm on broadband.
Help Desk: Your broadband is too slow.
Me: I'm on 8 Mb of broadband. I think that qualifies as "ass kicking broadband".

(At this point, I am put on hold for review.)

Help Desk: I will need you to do option A (a step in the VPN process).
Me: I've done that already. I've done it 20 times.
Help Desk: Can you do it once more while I am on the line? I need to be sure you've done it correctly.

(I do Option A every day, and have done for 2 and a half years. I'm pretty sure I have this down, but simply sigh and do it anyway. Unsurprisingly, it fails.)

Help Desk: Can you change this option A to option B, and try it again?
Me: I've also tried that three times.
Help Desk: (see if you can see this one coming)- Can you do it once more while I am on the line?

(I sigh and do it. It fails.)

Help Desk: Can I put you on hold?

(He goes. I surf the web. He comes back.)

Help Desk: Can you go back to option A and try it again?
Me: We've done that. I have now done that 21 times. TWENTY-ONE. That's not even like, 1, or 2, or 3. No, that's TWENY-ONE. Are you guessing at the problem now? Can we be more constructive? I mean, I don't know what the problem is either, but I do know that going for the golden 2-2 in trying something does not a problem solve!
Help Desk: Can I put you on hold again?
Me: Could I stop you if I wanted to?

(He goes. I surf more, eat some soup, play with the dog, and nearly finish War and Peace. He comes back.)

Help Desk: I'm afraid I have to raise a fault ticket.

(Muppets could have deducted this step already.)

Me: OK.
Help Desk: But maybe you can just try option A once more we-
Me: TWENTY-ONE TIMES. GOT IT? TWENTY-ONE. Look-this is going no where. I am losing my patience, and I respect you for trying and for being kind, but I will handle this myself.

I ring off and stare at the phone, at which point I march upstairs and scream my frustration at Angus who, upon realizing the levels of hormones flowing through my body, kindly offers to install the new memory and see if he can deal with the Help Desk for me.

In the meantime I have my Blackberry to do work.

I love my Blackberry.

There's no Help Desk involved there.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 01:27 PM | Comments (18) | Add Comment
Post contains 1048 words, total size 6 kb.

1 Although I agree making you go through the steps numerous times is annoying, I've worked Help Desk before and you would be surprised the number of times the other person on the end will not be truthful when it comes to what they have or haven't done. Yes, we will have those users who are extremely knowledgeable, but more times than not we'll have someone who's only knowledge of the computer was the training they received when they took the job. They don't know anything beyond the fact clicking the mouse makes things happen.

Posted by: Michael at August 21, 2006 01:47 PM (HII4m)

2 Michael-you have a point. I know I come across as unfair, and I know there are set steps that Help Desks go through, but I swear to God, our work Help Desk is the worst one ever.

Posted by: Helen at August 21, 2006 01:56 PM (9iM6u)

3 i think this is the single most valuable benefit of getting my degree in computer science - i never, ever call the help desk unless it's something i just don't have access/permission to change. of course, the degree also has it's drawbacks, as i have become the family help desk. i'm not sure which is more frustrating - dealing with an incompetent help desk, or dealing with an incomptent family member with a broken computer.

Posted by: geeky at August 21, 2006 02:20 PM (ziVl9)

4 Since you did a hardware upgrade, this information should be passed along to the help desk. Did you also check all other programs on your machine. Were they working?? Did you look at the error logs that nobody ever looks at. Yes, help desks work from scripts. Most problems are very similar and help desks have scripts that are generated passed on last experience. Help desks keep data bases to use on answering questions. These are generated from past problems. They also have several tiers of problems. You need to know how they categorize the problems. In other words, if the chairperson of the company has a problem, I bet it gets a different priority than your problem. You need to know how to ask to make this a high priority problem. Help desks also get graded on how long a problem is open. Don't let them give you a new problem ticket numbers. Make them keep the original ticket open. Have been in charge of help desks, my sympathy lies with the help desk. From my experience, one third of the problem tickets are people who forget their passwords. A really difficult problem occurs rarely. The first person answering the phone at the help desk does not know if you are an inexperienced user or a genius. They first assume you are a novice and go on from there. In summary, know how problems are rated, know how priorities are set, and be kind.

Posted by: iowaslovak at August 21, 2006 03:54 PM (vBa9j)

5 The chairpeople in my company have their own helpdesk. And the hardward upgrade wasn't done until after the ticket was issued (as I said in my post). You're on a thin wedge, Iowa. More often than not you are patronizing as all get out.

Posted by: Helen at August 21, 2006 03:58 PM (eDX2D)

6 I've actually had pretty good luck with help desks..but, then again, I like you only call after I've tried every thing in the world and still no glory.. if nothing else, having them check you through the try this, then try that process reassures me I've done the necessary basic things and I'm not a complete moron..and the problem is more complex and needs something more in depth done...but i've been there too with the guys who make you think "how the HELL did you get this job!" BTW.. could you give me the address of that penny candy shop LOL

Posted by: JaxVenus at August 21, 2006 04:18 PM (riKsm)

7 All I can say is come and work in government setting sometime. Clearly they're using help in a context I'm unfamiliar with. I could tell stories... Ironically, I've become the office guru when it comes to troubleshooting the office PC's. It's ironic because I'm a Mac user who's never owned a PC in his life!

Posted by: ~Easy at August 21, 2006 05:03 PM (PwFnd)

8 Okay, it's Monday morning and I've a heap of stuff to do, but as a helpdesk supervisor, I've got to comment on this one. First off, my condolences on your helpdesk. It sounds as though they're not very technical and are just running through a script they have to use to solve a couple of the simplest scenarios for each problem. Secondly, Iowa has a point in that you have to keep trouble tickets alive in order to get the best level of service (assuming your helpdesk is really trying and isn't just an afterthought to your IT organization). Thirdly, if you know your helpdesk is less that totally able, have the steps you've taken already handy, give it to them at the beginning of the call, and if they don't suggest anything new, ask to escalate to a supervisor or to level 2 support. Fourth(ly?) it surprises me to this day how a reboot (or two) will sort a problem out, so don't knock the reboot as a helpdesk tool. Have a PC gremlin free week, everyone

Posted by: Barnaby at August 21, 2006 05:46 PM (mTNES)

9 I gotta agree with Helen on this one. When I have problems, it's not something a reboot will solve, because (while I don't have a computer degree) I am FULLY CAPABLE of restarting the darn machine, all on my little old lonesome. So I usually say 'I'm having this problem, and I restarted and I repaired my connection, and it's still here." And then I very patiently wait while they have me restart, and repair my connections... I wish I were brave enough to talk back, but I always just roll my eyes and jump through their hoops anyway. The only way to get things done is to take my laptop to campus and straight to the people at the desk. If it's an option, I avoid the phone thing at all costs.

Posted by: a duck at August 21, 2006 05:59 PM (mdrh/)

10 Helen, I wouldn't say you are coming off as unfair. A good help desk person can tell the level of expertise of the peron on the other end of the phone and will recognize when to not keep asking to repeat steps that were done. Help Desk positions are often the entry level jobs for IT people into a company. I'm not going to knock them, but they do work from scripts. Why? Because a large global organization can have hundreds of customized applications. And let's be truthful, for many development groups, support documentation is usually the last thing thought of. I know when I was on Help Desk, the last thing I wanted was to shuffle the person off to another queue. Luckily, since I was supporting my department's applications, I could access a test environment and be able to debug the application. But enough about Help Desks, what's your favorite cheese? I've recently picked up a liking for American Cheese with Horseradish flavoring.

Posted by: Michael at August 21, 2006 06:41 PM (HII4m)

11 Michael is absolutely right. A GOOD helpdesk person can quickly gauge the level of the caller and will go off script and ask what has already been done. Unfortunately those people are few and far between, as most help-deskers are just warm bodies with a binder full of flow-charts and a script. Our helpdesk is about as screwy as yours and they damn near refuse to help you unless you goose-step along behind them..

Posted by: caltechgirl at August 21, 2006 06:52 PM (/vgMZ)

12 I would be happy if our helpdesk people were trained in correctly routing problems. My team maintains one little web-based system, and half the tickets they route to us should go elsewhere. It just delays the whole thing. Oh, and they deleted a userid that was being used to authenticate some automated ftp transfers. Three weeks later and they still haven't organised a new one. So our database tables just have to remain out of date!

Posted by: mrDan at August 21, 2006 07:12 PM (lrmex)

13 I loathe the Help Desk. They're so fucking patronizing and yet, don't really know anymore than I do most of the time. I have ripped many a Help Desk employee a new asshole. My favorite was the time I called b/c my employee card wasn't working to perform overrides or anything. I explained the problem and he said, "Are you sure they didn't fire you and just not tell you?" I said, "Was that supposed to be funny, asshole?" and THEN, he has the nerve to tell me that my "language" is unnecessary. I told him I was done speaking with him and wanted his supervisor. It's amazing just how fast I got service after that.

Posted by: girl at August 21, 2006 09:11 PM (ZIi+3)

14 Honestly, I've been on both ends. One where the help desk person was a moron and one where I was walking through something with someone and had them claim to have done something and not done it. It's not always easy to ascertain someone's level right away. Sometimes you need to put up with the stupid shit (as the caller) before the help desk person realizes you're competent enough. At least, that's my experience.

Posted by: Minawolf at August 22, 2006 12:50 PM (cH5GO)

15 I can so feel your pain...

Posted by: sue at August 22, 2006 02:32 PM (WbfZD)

16 I so feel your pain ... My laptop met some diet coke yesterday ... I am dreading calling Dell's support to see about sending it in (even though I know it's going to cost me an arm and a leg to fix it) just because their solution to EVERYTHING is to restart the computer. I hope your laptop recovers soon. I'm making mine a headstone out back. *sniffle*

Posted by: Michele at August 22, 2006 04:28 PM (5VGFA)

17 Trust me on this, we don't ask you to do these things because we are trying to get you off the phone or don't want to help. There are just things you need to do to get a clean slate and make sure. I have spent time on the phone from the lowliest of admin assistants to the CEO of a major chemical corporation. I always make them reboot. I always make them go through the steps. I don't care how knowledgeable you sound, you might just be full of shit and be wasting my time. I came across that more than people who actually do know what they are doing ("Click the start button.." "Start button, where?") It is easiest just to go with the flow, and if they start asking to do things over and over again, Then yeah, they're incompetant morons. Also, the best way to get someone to stop being a moron is ask for their supervisor. There is no excuse for having someone try a process 3 or 4 times when it doesn't work. Generally, you'll end up getting transferred to someone who has a brain. But I promise you, Helen (with that awesome Texas/English accent you have), most techs aren't doing it because they're stupid or they want to upset you. It's just part of a process.

Posted by: Dani at August 22, 2006 07:09 PM (jVN7+)

18 Helen, Hi ME Also he/she might want you to do it so they can watch what happens.. And it might be policy.. Also remember they can't SEE what you do. As someone who does help desk on systems I don't have the security clearance to look at.. they are probably as unhappy as you... (though I don't get timed on calls which can if support from bloody india gets involved can be 4+ hours)... Hope you like it Meouch

Posted by: LarryConley at August 22, 2006 08:03 PM (xQ1mW)

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