It's late and you sleep a floor above me.
Still, silent, warm.
If I close my eyes I can see how you breathe.
I am conscious of you every moment of the day
No matter the distance
My thoughts hover, and warm.

Before there was you
There were tears
And pain
And hope.

I would close my eyes and ask an angel to sit with me.

I remember seeing you on a TV screen
In a clinic cold and sterile, a room beige and clean.
You were cells then, boiling like mercury, like the sea,
And exploding into more cells that became the you that I know.

I closed my eyes and asked an angel to sit with me.

When they put you back I prayed to whatever god would listen
To please.
Please
Let
You
Stay.

And a round happy god listened.

My prayers became two lines.
Two lines became two heartbeats.
Two heartbeats became two sets of arms, two sets of legs.

I closed my eyes and asked an angel to sit with me.

I continued to pray to whatever gods would listen still
To let me keep you, to let me see you, to let me love you.
Another god eased my fears and held us safe
Until the day came when I would see you.

I remember that day in a place where I will hold, forever
The memories which define me.

I stared at you.
I was so tired.
You were so beautiful.
The god who listened answered my prayers
And you and your father made my world complete
In ways I didn't know it wasn't.

I closed my eyes and asked an angel to sit with me.

Every day that has passed since that day,
(That day, that moment, that lifetime)
I have spent hours staring at you
Kissing your cheeks
Touching your lips
Inhaling your scent
Holding your sleepy, silent forms
Wondering at what you are
And dreaming of who you would become.

I closed my eyes and asked an angel to sit with me.

As long as I live I will pay back the debt that I have taken for you
Because I do not deserve you
(No one can deserve you)
And in that lacking comes my promise
To be more than I could ever hope to be, just for you.

Our story keeps going
And I am in awe of every aspect of you
Your smile
Your eyes
Your sounds
Your dreams
And that you are mine.

On this, your first Christmas,
I want you know that you have made me whole
My past released
My body proud
My hopes spiralling
My family real
My heart breaks and comforts every day
And I will spend every day letting you know how much you were wanted
And how much you are loved.

The way I love you can never be explained.
But I will spend the rest of my life trying.

I closed my eyes and asked an angel to sit with me.

The angel came and held my hand.
And when you came the angel passed you to me
In a flurry of waffled sheets and bright lights
His passing shadow sheltered us
His presence comforted us

I closed my eyes and asked an angel to sit with me.
And the angel gave me you.

Merry Christmas, My Angels.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 12:00 AM | Comments (25) | Add Comment
Post contains 584 words, total size 3 kb.

1 Oh. My. God. *bawls*

Posted by: Margi at December 19, 2007 12:41 AM (KF0g8)

2 Thanks for making me cry. 8-) That is beautiful. It's so important to put these moments into writing. Because a "baby book" has spots for first tooth and first word, etc. But it doesn't really have a spot for "Overwhelming Emotional Mommy Moments". And those are the moments that are more dear than anything else.

Posted by: Erica at December 19, 2007 01:06 AM (D6tE/)

3 beautiful.... *sigh*

Posted by: Poppy at December 19, 2007 01:38 AM (1mDM7)

4 That was...*sniffle*...absolutely...*snort*...BEAUTIFUL. *SOB*

Posted by: Lisa at December 19, 2007 01:40 AM (3Ran2)

5 Absolutely. Totally. Completely. Gorgeous. I may never be able to swallow the lump this left in my throat!

Posted by: Deb at December 19, 2007 02:08 AM (0lvli)

6 That was absolutely beautiful. Good thing I had a box of kleenex handy.... ...sniffle...

Posted by: caltechgirl at December 19, 2007 03:06 AM (hQNjm)

7 In a word-beautiful.

Posted by: Teresa at December 19, 2007 03:12 AM (OJIZ6)

8 Very beautiful and may the feelings never pass, as I am sure they never will.

Posted by: Irene at December 19, 2007 04:17 AM (RL+iu)

9 I'm so glad I read that alone. *sniff*

Posted by: Veronica at December 19, 2007 08:04 AM (fRPcC)

10 Awwww You sure know how to start the tears! This is so beautiful.

Posted by: Lucy at December 19, 2007 09:22 AM (qQPer)

11 Lovely...

Posted by: justdawn at December 19, 2007 10:39 AM (GxxHl)

12 It's been said already, but there's no other word: that's absolutely beautiful, Helen.

Posted by: Amanda at December 19, 2007 01:27 PM (ay+rD)

13 OMG don't make me cry at work. thank you for this. just thank you.

Posted by: kim at December 19, 2007 04:08 PM (AYKVy)

14 Wonderful. *beams*

*wipes happy tears*

*immediately goes to read it again*

Posted by: Lisa at December 19, 2007 04:44 PM (EcHBm)

15 Please print that out and put it in their baby books (if they have them) or some sort of keepsake. That's really, really beautiful, Helen.

Posted by: Tracy at December 19, 2007 05:04 PM (zv3bS)

16 Absolutely beautiful.

Posted by: Cori at December 19, 2007 05:36 PM (wGDlm)

17 beautiful...

Posted by: jv at December 19, 2007 05:43 PM (ysna4)

18 Beautiful you made me cry.

Posted by: Erica at December 19, 2007 07:17 PM (AZFra)

19 I am speechless, and that doesn't happen often. I hope you will let them read this when they are old enough to understand.

Posted by: kenju at December 19, 2007 09:20 PM (yvCMb)

20 Oh my goodness.... Is that your work? You have many talents. You could publish that seriously. I hope I am not showing my ignorance.

Posted by: Lukie at December 19, 2007 11:53 PM (WXIEq)

21 Took me two reads to get through this post. Made me all teary (and I was trying to be cool!). That was a beautiful tribute to your little ones. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.

Posted by: stacie at December 20, 2007 01:51 AM (dZ+qK)

22 Thank you for sharing this with all of us

Posted by: Ernie E at December 20, 2007 02:47 AM (vqLDs)

23 Helen ~ with each post, i only become happier and happier for you, my dear.

Posted by: Patsy at December 20, 2007 05:12 AM (jB+Rp)

24 Beautiful. Tears in my eyes. thanks for sharing.

Posted by: Carol at December 20, 2007 05:54 AM (19QEy)

25 Finally catching up. This is an amazing piece... tears my heart right out. Thank you for sharing yourself with us. I'll be getting in touch about the flickr account - I wouldn't want to miss the babies! Happy Holidays to you and your wonderful family.

Posted by: sue at December 21, 2007 05:45 PM (WbfZD)

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