I found something that helps with the pain. Something that I am not new to, but that I had sworn to give up. Something that weaves its way around the heads of so many people, people that are just seeking relief from the relay race of thoughts and anger and pain.

And the answer to the pain is...pain.

I was sitting on the couch last night, feeling particularly low. For reasons that I won't go into (now or ever, really) I am having a hard time dealing with some things in my life. The anixety and, I have recently found, depression are really weighing on me, a weight that no cocktail of precription meds seems to ease.

I looked at my hands, thinking about them. I like hands, I think they are not only useful but attractive accessories. And in looking at them, I saw on the back of my left hand, a healing scar. A burn. A legitimate one-I was taking a quiche out of the oven and stupidly over-estimated by maneuverability space. A fresh, light pink welt runs across the back of my hand now (this was quite a bad burn, after all), a scar to remind me of my stupidity.

And then my mind got it. Zzzzzziiiiiiipppppp. That's an answer.

I stood and walked into the kitchen, to remove the mac and cheese I had made (see the previous entry). It was bubbling and brown on the top, and I knew that it was going to be a meal I was going to really enjoy, although one I would punish myself for (the fat content of that must be sky-high! Extra exercising tomorrow....) And as I took the dish out of the oven, I pressed the padded flesh of my left hand against the grill in the oven. I did it fast, just a few seconds, and when I pulled back (for I could not take more), a gratifying angry red weal stood in its place.

I did not let myself put cold water on it. In fact, when I started to think about the other issues in my life that make me ache and are making me smell rabbit, I would look at the burn. "Focus," I told myself. "Focus on the physical pain. It's the only thing you can do anything about. The emotional stuff in your life that you have no control over is only going to break you, the physical you have control over. You decide. You watch it heal. You decide if you need more. The whole process is for you."

The burn is angry and blistered today. But I am grateful for it. If necessary, I will do it again. I am no stranger to "self-mutliation" as the books call it. But I prefer to call it hands-on treatment. I know this is not the answer. I know this is just an extension of things being amiss. But until something gets through and rescues me, I have to find ways to get by. It's wrong to do this...but I don't see any other way to get through right now.

Now I have to go running. Again.

I wonder when I will be well again.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 12:38 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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