I look into the fridge again in hopes that it may yield something interesting. I don't know what I'm expecting to find, I only know that I want something. I've had a whole wheat English muffin, a bowl of yogurt and granola, and a handful of cheese crackers so God knows I shouldn't be hungry, but I am.
In Cancun I spent a lot of time with Angus' son Jeff. I also managed to get some quality time with Melissa, who spent her time perusing my dive book and nicking my magazines. One evening I had to help her work the shower. I ran the tap and waited for the warm water to kick in. She nosed through my makeup bag.
"Melissa," I said hesitantly. Hesitant not because she was in my makeup bag (it wouldn't have been the first time she'd been in there), but because I didn't really know how to say what I wanted to say. "I just want you to know that I love you and Jeff very much. I know I'm not your mother and I would never try to take her place, I don't mean any disrespect. I just wanted you to know that I do think of you as a daughter, and I mean that in a good way. You're also like my friend and my sister in some way, and I am not trying to dismiss you at all."
The shower water was dripping down my arm onto the bathmat. I shook my hand of the excess water and turned to her. Droplets continued to fall from my arm.
"Oh I know," she said, opening a tube of lip gloss to check the color. "I love you as much as I love my mother."
Wow.
"I would never, ever try to take her place," I reminded her. I mean that. I love the kid a lot, but I'm not her mother and never will be. Our relationship is some kind of mix, and it's very important to me."
"Me too," she replied calmly. "I love you, too."
It amazes me that kids can be so calm when I'm all over the place, worried that I will upset her, worried that I won't get things right. I've never been a mother. Being a stepmother is nowhere near the difficult task it is to be a mother. I may think unkind things about the kids' mother (and I do) but I would never, ever say them to the kids. Mothers should be infallible for as long as possible in a child's eyes.
And I have learnt that in many ways, when I am with the kids, I fill some kind of motherhood role. With Jeff I am the Sunscreen Applier, the Entertainer, the Please Will You Brush Your Teeth-er, and the Have You Taken Your Medicine-er? I love that I am these people to him.
The past holiday, I found I have slipped into a "Mother Lite" role more than I had realized. Kids stand outside the bathroom door when I'm trying to have a private moment on the can and ask me questions (which, when you have a screwed-up intestinal system like I do, it doesn't help). I am the one who simultaneously knows where the sunglasses, sunscreen, and snorkles are. I coordinate across Angus, Melissa and Jeff, and I never knew how rewarding a job it would be. I love Angus, and I love being a stepmother. They are impossible, frustrating, hilarious, energetic, annoying, and great fun. I think they're the best kids in the world and although biologically they're not mine I'll love them forever, genes be damned.
I always thought my pure purpose in life is to climb the corporate ladder and rule the world.
The truth is, if I know where the sunblock is, I'm pretty fucking happy, too.
Maybe life for me will be an intermediary, a Something-In-Between. I don't know where I will be or what I will do or how everything pans out. Suddenly, I don't need to.
I still can't find anything in the refrigerator, which frustrates me.
Some (most? all?) of you (mwah!) already know the details, and now it's time to let them all out here, too.
We've had a hard time lately, we've been on tenterhooks, everything has been uncertain. It has been a roller coaster, full of incredible highs and crashing lows. 2007 is one for the books. We had an incredible New Year's complete with a ring I still admire on a daily basis. I got out of a horrible project and got not one but two pretty cool projects to work on. Our test results on Monday came back normal, the last hurdle in the hurdle of hurdles.
Our last round of IVF worked.
I am due on October 31st. Halloween. My favorite holiday.
And we are having twins.
-H.
1
Congratulations on everything!
You know I loves ya. MWAH!
Posted by: caltechgirl at May 01, 2007 06:13 AM (r0kgl)
2
i knew it!! i don't know why or how, but i've just known for awhile. congratulations darlin!! xoxoxo
Posted by: leah at May 01, 2007 06:17 AM (Msku8)
3
You already are a wonderful mother. You're going to be a FANTASTIC mommy.
All my love,
Me
Posted by: jUST mE at May 01, 2007 06:46 AM (pOMkc)
4
Congratulations!! That's great news. I'm a halloween baby as well.
Posted by: Elisa at May 01, 2007 07:58 AM (6/XCd)
5
Yeah! Am so enjoying this adventure with you!!!! Thank you for sharing it all so eloquently!
Posted by: SuperSarah at May 01, 2007 08:34 AM (paC52)
6
I've already said "Congratulations" but now that it's really official I'll say it louder "CONGRATULATIONS!!!" I'm so so happy for you all!
Posted by: Gill at May 01, 2007 08:47 AM (yTSfd)
7
Congratulations! From all that I have read, you will make a wonderful mother.
Posted by: aboutthisboy at May 01, 2007 08:49 AM (sfxJm)
8
Whoohoooooooooo! Go Helen, that's absolutely wonderful! Congratulations!
You are going to be the best mommy those twins could ever, ever have - after all, they'll never be sunburned.
Seriously, though. Congratulations. You so deserve this.
Posted by: Hannah at May 01, 2007 08:50 AM (lUH62)
9
Coming out from the lurk-space to say congratulations! I've only been following you for a bit (though backstory-intrigued, I did a wee bit of reading up) and between your sass and sweet, I had a very warm moment at your news. Truly, I wish you all the very best with this new bit of adventure. And Angus too!
Posted by: Sauvage at May 01, 2007 08:57 AM (rG4u9)
10
Holy crap! I had to read it again to make sure I was reading right and you slipped it in at the last moment! Im so happy for you Helen!
Congrats
Posted by: butterflies at May 01, 2007 09:48 AM (izFZd)
11
That is absolutely the best news I've heard this year and congratulations is nowhere near a big enough word. But it will have to do.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Posted by: deeleea at May 01, 2007 10:28 AM (IphB3)
12
Delurking to say congrats!
Posted by: Katy at May 01, 2007 10:32 AM (Ww0l+)
13
Holy muppets, congratulations to you both! This is so exciting! Yay!
Posted by: Opal at May 01, 2007 11:14 AM (jdkxS)
14
impossible, frustrating, hilarious, energetic, annoying, and great fun
Yep. That sums up kids pretty nicely. That's great that you're feeling comfortable in the step-mom role.
Halloween twins, eh? I don't know why, but I find that to be a perfectly normal progression of things. Somehow that just seems right.
Congratulations, you'll be great!!
Posted by: ~Easy at May 01, 2007 11:33 AM (vL8BC)
15
Twins? Congratulations!! Pass that on to Angus as well. Yay! I don't even know what else to say but wow!. Two? Really? Think of all the later embarrassing twin outfits they could be... on halloween to say the least... two... boobs? apple & orange? balloons? That's going to be so fun!
Posted by: Angela at May 01, 2007 11:33 AM (DGWM7)
16
CTG sent me over here so I could say 'congrats', too! A two-fer for Halloween...how wonderful!
Posted by: Mrs. Who at May 01, 2007 11:34 AM (9FXen)
17
Congratulations!! I'm sure Oct 31st can't get here soon enough for you. Fortunately we get 9 months to prepare. I hope for you a perfect pregnancy and 2 perfect children.
Posted by: Solomon at May 01, 2007 12:06 PM (al5Ou)
18
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I am so, so, so excited for you!!! (I want to use the world's supply of exclamation points.)
Congratulations and best wishes.
Posted by: Marian at May 01, 2007 12:16 PM (ZD4nv)
19
I've been quietly watching your journey for several years now and tears of joy for you both after reading this. I can't wait for the next phase in this wonderful trip of yours. You are such an inspiration to me. Hugs to you all, especially Gorby who will be a wonderful playmate and guard for the twins. *grins*
Sue
Posted by: Sue at May 01, 2007 12:30 PM (avSA+)
20
Congratulations! I've been following your story for quite some time and I hoped this is what you were alluding to lately but I never dreamed it would be twins.
I can't believe I'm getting teary-eyed over a complete stranger, an entire ocean away.
Good luck! When those babies are old enough for American junk food - you just say the word and a box of Nabisco products can be on a plane.
Posted by: paula at May 01, 2007 12:41 PM (FlZPw)
21
Congratultions!!! So happy for you, Helen!
Posted by: Kimberly at May 01, 2007 12:44 PM (v57BG)
22
How flippin' exciting! Take care of you. Enjoy every minute of this growing experience... Did I already say how exciting?!
Posted by: amelia at May 01, 2007 12:47 PM (tZQUq)
23
I knew it! Something you said last week made me think maybe, but I didn't want to jinx it by thinking too hard ;-)
CONGRATULATIONS!
And congrats on the relationship with Melissa and Jeff. Being a step-mother can be both the most frustrating and rewarding part of life.
Posted by: Tracy at May 01, 2007 12:50 PM (bw/tC)
Posted by: B. Durbin at May 01, 2007 12:57 PM (tie24)
25
Awesome!! Congratulations!
Posted by: Donna at May 01, 2007 12:57 PM (rdir6)
Posted by: Lindsay at May 01, 2007 01:01 PM (mHNC3)
27
I'm doing the Happy Dance for you right now!
WooHoo! Congrats to y'all!
Posted by: amber at May 01, 2007 01:04 PM (HCbA1)
28
I am so happy it's not a secret any more! You have no idea how bad I am at keeping them. This was the longest "secret" I've kept in a sense.
I am so happy for you guys - for the beebs, for the test results, and, most of all, for the fact that Melissa and Jeff are opening up their arms to you.
Posted by: Michele at May 01, 2007 01:15 PM (fcaMV)
29
Wonderful!!! My first son was born November 1st. I was bummed he wasn't a Halloween kid. Happy tears from Cleveland, Ohio.
Jilly
Posted by: Jilly at May 01, 2007 01:16 PM (vy163)
30
I am so incredibly happy for you.
Posted by: Kathy at May 01, 2007 01:22 PM (Uo7Mt)
31
I hope no-one catches me crying because I'll never be able to explain it. I said I only hang around here to see if you get your happy ending and maybe this year you do. I'm so pleased for both of you.
Posted by: Caroline M at May 01, 2007 01:49 PM (x3QDi)
32
I don't have sufficient words, really. Wonderful, just...wonderful. And so thrilled and relieved to hear the great test results.
Posted by: karmajenn at May 01, 2007 01:59 PM (OUTBp)
33
There was an arm pump and a "Yes!!".
Congratulations!
jayne (formerly know as sasoozie)
Posted by: Jayne at May 01, 2007 02:02 PM (q5uvl)
34
I just got goosebumps. I'm so happy for you - ALL of you. I can think of no one who deserves all the happiness in the world as much as you. Lots of love coming your way...
Posted by: sue at May 01, 2007 02:05 PM (WbfZD)
35
I am still so geeked that you are having twins-I can't even fully wrap my mind around it yet!
And don't discount how hard it is to be a step-mom, and what a brilliant step-mom you are!
Posted by: Teresa at May 01, 2007 02:26 PM (cgjAR)
36
Congratulations!!!!!!! Happy tears are falling for you all...
Posted by: pam at May 01, 2007 02:37 PM (l6NIn)
37
OMG! This is soooo awesome! Congratulations! I hvae goose bumps and a cheesy grin! Yay! Twins!
Posted by: Steff at May 01, 2007 02:37 PM (fIFtd)
38
Wow, that is so fantastically amazing! I don't know that I can add anything to the comments above; I mean, arm pumping, jumping up and down, clapping, and cheering are all happening here. Congratulations.
Posted by: Amanda at May 01, 2007 02:41 PM (B5c+c)
39
CONGRATULATIONS! I couldn't be happier for you both. Best of luck during your pregnancy...I definitely look forward to updates!
Posted by: Sarah B. at May 01, 2007 02:52 PM (gQF4g)
40
oh-so-glad about the down's news helen. what a relief for you all! congrats.
Posted by: becky at May 01, 2007 02:55 PM (fwRVv)
41
Fantastic news! Many, many congratulations and wishes for a safe, easy pregnancy and delivery. After all you've been through, you've never given up, and neither have we. I'll keep my fingers and toes crossed for you for the next six months.
Happy May Day,
LD
Posted by: lynD at May 01, 2007 03:11 PM (2F9Ak)
42
YAY!!! I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!! So happy in fact, that I'm de-lurking just for you!
...and thanks for sharing the photos!! Love them!!
San Diego girl out,
C
Posted by: Christina at May 01, 2007 03:40 PM (axrWz)
43
I've said it before but I'll say it again - CONGRATULATIONS! I am so flingin' flangin' happy for you all!
Posted by: donna at May 01, 2007 03:40 PM (0VoEe)
44
i continue to be so happy for you
However, the real suprise came in the title, i knew exactly what you meant by the title and can't believe anyone else even knows, let alone likes the film, as much as me!!
abs x
ps you are not a witch - well, in a bad way anyway!
Posted by: abs at May 01, 2007 04:03 PM (pejJ8)
45
I KNEW IT! I am soo happy for your darlin...Congrats to You, Angus, Jeff and Melissa.
Posted by: Tiffani at May 01, 2007 04:26 PM (a7p6H)
46
All the best in the world to you and your family!
big hug!!
Posted by: missk at May 01, 2007 04:48 PM (EM7ls)
47
I have CHILLS all over. I am thrilled. I had hoped that this was why your postings had been up and down and erratic.
Somehow I just knew...
Delurking to tell you CONGRATS!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Heather at May 01, 2007 04:54 PM (eRsMQ)
48
I know that I sent a kind of rambling condolence letter when you had your troubles last year, partly because the topic still struck a nerve within me. I do remember one thing that I said, though: "You're already a mother. You just don't have a child yet." And now that part is about to be corrected.
Helen, I'm unbelievably happy for you. It's absolutely fabulous news. And then you added this little bit:
"And we are having twins."
Yippee! And not it's time to get on board the diaper changing express. Your clothes will develop stains that you'll ignore, you'll start to carry odors -not yours- with you wherever you go and you won't sleep much for, well, I'm up to 4-1/2 years and still getting enough. And you'll love every minute of it.
Again, I'm so happy for you. And I just remembered your Ghost of Christmas posts from a couple of years ago, where you saw the future and a "girl who looks like me(you)" comes home for the holidays.
One final thought: I've been suspicious for about a month that you might be in the family way. Call it a hunch, or call it having learned to read between the lines of your moods these last few years. And I've noticed that you've been pretty damned happy. For good reason, too.
I lied: one more thought popped into my thimble-sized brain. It would give me great pleasure if you posted some baby items into your wish list so that we can throw you a virtual baby shower.
Take care, Helen. I'm sending you a virtual high five and a hug.
Posted by: physics geek at May 01, 2007 04:57 PM (MT22W)
49
Oh holy shit, oh holy shit, oh holy shit! I got the chills just reading that!
Congradulations you (and of course Angus)! That's fantastic news....
And now I'm crying, I don't even know you and I'm crying because it happend to a person who deserves this gift the most! After everything you've been through...and see, you thought that having less stress in your life was going to hard to deal with...I think it might have been the perfect prescription for a wonderful ending to infertility!
Well done you!
Posted by: Heidi at May 01, 2007 06:05 PM (mMauV)
50
congratulations & best wishes for a continued healthy pregnancy. You'll make a fantastic mother non-lite.
Posted by: cursingmama at May 01, 2007 06:19 PM (PoQfr)
Posted by: Suz at May 01, 2007 06:25 PM (oM6s/)
52
I have chills, and I am tearing up at the thought. My birthday is Oct. 30th, and I'd LOVE you to have them then....LOL.Congratulations, best wishes and love to you both.
"Mother Lite" - I like it! I am a grandmother lite to 3 boys. That's a great title.
Posted by: kenju at May 01, 2007 06:30 PM (DBvE5)
53
What marvelous news! Best wishes to you and your ever-expanding family!
Posted by: Omnibus Driver at May 01, 2007 06:50 PM (WOXRM)
54
OMG!OMG!OMG!
Hearty congratulations to you and Angus. I wish you all the best!
Posted by: Lisa at May 01, 2007 06:56 PM (XDX6G)
55
Coming out of lurk mode to say
Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Kali at May 01, 2007 07:19 PM (r6ffN)
56
Congratulations and Best wishes, Helen
Posted by: kimmykins13 at May 01, 2007 07:52 PM (HUKlZ)
57
That's terriffic. Congrats, and good luck on a healthy pregnancy.
Posted by: Brad at May 01, 2007 07:56 PM (ZVK95)
58
I'm hoping they hold out for Halloween. One of my favorite holidays, and the day I got married.
All the best to you and yours.
Posted by: wRitErsbLock at May 01, 2007 08:33 PM (+MvHD)
59
I am so incredibly happy for you! I am looking forward to hearing about all your future joys!
Posted by: sophie at May 01, 2007 08:59 PM (1HOa8)
60
OH
MY
GOD!
Helen, I am SO very happy for you! TWINS!
OH MY GOD! *bursting with happiness*
*****CONGRATULATIONS***** Helen and Angus!!!
Posted by: The other Amber at May 01, 2007 09:29 PM (zQE5D)
61
OMG!!! I'm so very happy for you and Angus!!!! TWINS!!!! Eeeek (with joy)!!!
And how cool would it be to have your birthday on Halloween???!!!
Congrats - YOU DESERVE IT!
Posted by: Lorri at May 01, 2007 11:26 PM (Lfkis)
62
Wahooo!! ~breaks out streamers and annoying noisy things!~
I'm so happy for you two... four!
:-D
Posted by: Tommy at May 01, 2007 11:55 PM (6CCYI)
63
Hey, awesome! Congratulations!
Posted by: Malnurtured Snay at May 02, 2007 01:13 AM (vgd3Z)
64
Congratulations! I have enjoyed reading your blog over the last couple of years and I wish you and Angus and the twins all the love and happiness in the world.
Posted by: Stella at May 02, 2007 01:33 AM (EeWW8)
65
*mwah* *mwah*
Yanno. Doubling up. ;-)
Posted by: Jennifer at May 02, 2007 01:42 AM (RlFqM)
66
Congratulations. All the very best.
Posted by: Priya at May 02, 2007 07:33 AM (yHOuc)
67
Lucky babies, to have such cool parents. Congratulations!!!
Posted by: maolcolm at May 02, 2007 09:11 AM (mILKV)
68
Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful news!! I am so very happy for you both!! :-)
Posted by: Richmond at May 02, 2007 01:45 PM (e8QFP)
69
Oh My Gosh, I miss reading for a day and this is what happens? Helen, I'm in tears. I'm so very happy for you and Angus. I can just tell that you will be a wonderful Mommy. My best wishes and constant prayers for a healthy and happy pregnancy.
Hugs, Terry
Posted by: Terry at May 02, 2007 09:17 PM (A5s0y)
70
Oh Helen!!!!!!!!!!
Angus!!!!!!
OH MY GOD!
Congratulations from the depths of my heart and soul!!!
I am thrilled for you!!!
Posted by: Mia at May 03, 2007 01:02 AM (8yLzc)
71
CONGRATS!
*returns to lurking*
Posted by: Angela at May 03, 2007 05:16 PM (AGsXU)
72
Those two little peanuts are truly blessed to be getting a family like yours.
*hugs*
Posted by: Amanda at May 03, 2007 09:14 PM (1T/lk)
73
That is amazing news! Congratulations!!
Posted by: felicity at May 03, 2007 10:59 PM (w8WJH)
74
Holy. shit.
Oh, congratulations, congratulations, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!
XOXOXO
Posted by: Elizabeth at May 04, 2007 03:17 AM (dGluG)
75
congratulations! hope it continues to go well for you all
i remember you saying ages ago that half of your retrieved eggs would be donated, do you know if any other women have had good news as a result of that?
Posted by: jade at May 04, 2007 08:48 AM (y8GsZ)
76
I have been reading your blog for a long time, Helen, and I am coming out of lurk-dom to say CONGRATULATIONS!!! This post made me SO happy. I know you will be a wonderful Mama to those two little ones. I'm just so excited for you. Don't let the nay-sayers get you down, either. You know what's best for your family. :-)
Posted by: Elizabeth at May 04, 2007 07:37 PM (cjilp)
Hide Comments
| Add Comment
