I am not a very good friend.

It came to me a little while ago, when I realized that I had failed-I suck at being good. I'm terrible at being kind and supportive. I'm quite simply not what I should be.

What brought me to this?

I have a friend named Billie. Billie is a fellow IVF veteran, although her IVF dreams never got her to where she wanted to be. Billie is also someone that turned to me for help, and I wanted to help her-she'd asked me to go to the doctor's with her, to talk to him about her depression and her drinking. The doctor's visit never took place, because Billie decided she wanted to go to the doctor on her own.

Before she went, she got outrageously drunk.

The doctor-perhaps understandably-referred her to treatment and alcohol counseling. Billie did so, but upon insisting that drinking just masks the fact that she's depressed-it's not a drinking problem, it's depression-has been dismissed from the alcohol treatment program. And I used to be on board with her, I supported her. She could definitely stop anytime she wanted, I was in complete agreement with her. It's true, she drank a lot, and had a lot of after effects. Whenever she and her husband came over for a dinner party, without fail they would drink, and without fail they'd get drunk and things would get broken (glasses, and once? A chair.)

Billie has had it tough. She grew up fantastically wealthy but was cut off when she fell in love with a much older (and married) man. She and said man are together now, married, and despite IVF treatment, were unable to have children (and now are resigned that they will not have any children.) She and her husband ran a company and made a fortune, but when the stress took a toll on his health, they sold the company and now have very easy-going jobs, which unfortunately don't earn much. Their lifestyle has had to change drastically.

And she drinks, perhaps, to forget. To be happy. To feel light-hearted and giggly, for whatever amount of time she can. The fact that her husband's children (with his previous Mrs.) are now having children of their own must hurt like hell (and truthfully it's one of my fears for my own future). I completely understand it all, every step of the way-I too have had my own alcohol problem and, while I can cut back (and did), I accept that not everyone can (my cutting back does not make me a Super Person, either-there are many things I suck at, luckily limiting alcohol is one I succeeded at).

So Billie drinks. Billie's cute, she's lovely, she's a good friend. And when Billie drinks, she falls down a lot. Things get broken. And it's just something that she did, we just accepted it. We have a glass vase with dried hydrangeas that we hadn't hung up because should Billie come to our house, there was a good chance she'd have too much to drink and knock it off the wall. We worried about the plasma, as that would definitely get run in to.

Last year at Proms in the Park she got drunk. As in "falling down while ass exposed in Hyde Park" drunk. Angus wound up taking care of her while Lila and I managed all of our stuff and all four of us raced for the last train home. Many embarrassed apologies later, Billie swore it would never happen again.

This year at the Proms, Billie, Lila, Angus, and my Atlanta-newly-married friend Jim trekked off with far too much food and too much wine. We pitched up in a nice spot. We sat in the sun. And we started drinking.

Billie promised up and down she would not get drunk. She swore. She repeatedly stated that she'd not overdo it. There'd be no falling down.

Within a few hours, Billie had fallen down on two seperate occasions (one of them covering both herself and myself in ranch dressing, as she landed squarely in the salad bowl.)

Lila was in bits with stress that it would be like last year, taking care of Billie and managing all the stuff.

That didn't happen. Instead, it got a whole lot worse. Strapping Clydesdale Helen got strapped with carrying much of the kit (along with Lila) while Angus and Jim tried to manage the inebriated Billie. In the end, her drinking was too much for them-she fell down the escalator at Waterloo and ripped the back of her heel wide open. We caught the train and tried the best first aid we could, but knew that once she got home the local hospital would be getting a visit from her.

Tearfully, she kept asking if we were angry and if we still loved her. We all told her yes, we loved her. We did not tell her we were angry, but we were. On the train she picked a fight with someone who happened to look at her bloody ankle. She kept talking about how stressful her life was, how stressed she was. She talked about how depressed she was, how things weren't great.

I sat there in the seat ahead of her. I was still wearing a panty liner all those days after the miscarriage, as little droplets were still coming. I hadn't told her about the miscarriage-I wanted to meet her a few days before Proms in the Park to tell her, but she had a drinking do, so it never came up.

And you know...I couldn't be there for her.

When she got off the train, she fell again. She turned her ankle. She and Lila got into one taxi, Angus, Jim and I got into another.

I couldn't be there for her.

She went to hospital and got stitches. For her sprained ankle and her stitched one, she earned two weeks of bed rest.

I couldn't visit her.

In the midst of my September darkness, I found I was furious with her. I was bitterly angry that once again, she broke her word and once again fell down and needed us to look after her. We all drink, we all sometimes drink too much...but she's the only one that leaves a path of destruction in her wake.

And this makes me a terrible friend.

Actually? The truth is it makes me a terrible person.

She felt stupid, embarrassed, depressed, and stressed, and I couldn't be there for her.

We all met up a few weeks ago-Billie is somehow harder, tougher. There is something that somehow is broken between us. We are still friends but there is something changed between us-I wasn't there for her. She needed me, and all I had was blind anger and depression of my own.

She's coming for Thanksgiving. We're having Thanksgiving on Saturday, as we always do here. She's still a friend, I do still love her...but I just don't know what I'm going to do if she gets drunk.

We hung up the vase of flowers, anyway.

We hung the plasma on an exposed wall.

We are not going to Billie-proof our life.

But my friend-in my opinion-has a drinking problem. It's not up to me to solve it. But I crack a lot knowing I am not a good person-I couldn't be there for her. If she gets treatment, I'll try to be. I love her very much and care about her, but I couldn't support her that September night.

The truth is, I'm still angry.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:40 AM | Comments (20) | Add Comment
Post contains 1287 words, total size 7 kb.

1 In the end, you have to take care of yourself first or you'll be no help to anyone at all. September was a bad month for you, so I see no need for you to be quite so hard on yourself. I'd be angry too, frankly.

Posted by: Z. Hendirez at November 22, 2006 12:36 PM (igmiD)

2 Just because you're angry doesn't mean that you're a bad person. And you can be angry with your friends, it doesn't mean you're not friends any more. Self reflection is good, but might this not be going too far?

Posted by: Hannah at November 22, 2006 01:05 PM (mUdu9)

3 It doesn't make you a bad person. There is only that much you can do. Being there doesn't always solve the problem, as proven in one very enduring friendship I had. The help that will essentially makes things right is obviously not something you or her other friends and it is up to her to decide and deal it. Being drunk is probably just a way to mask the painful emotions/problems; unwillig or too scared to deal with it.

Posted by: Lisa at November 22, 2006 01:30 PM (wMkZ0)

4 You are not the one being a bad friend here. And there is nothing written anywhere that says you must enable your alcoholic friend and hold her hand after she shows her ass yet again in front of everyone. After repeated promises not to do so. Everyone gets drunk and does dumb stuff once and awhile. Not everyone does it on a weekly basis. If she gets drunk and wreaks havoc at your Thanksgiving party this year--call her a cab, wish her well, and screen your calls from now on. Last chance time.

Posted by: Teri at November 22, 2006 01:35 PM (K7jOL)

5 This does not make you a bad friend OR a bad person! My brother is an alcoholic and I beat myself up many times because I couldn't be there for him, it was just too hard. There is only so much we can do without destroying ourselves and that does not mean we are letting anyone down. I'm sorry for you, I know how hard this is. Marie

Posted by: Marie at November 22, 2006 01:36 PM (Rm+El)

6 You are not a bad friend. You might want to talk to her though, and share why you've been distant, She will not likely aknowledge you are right, or again give you excuses, but every time someone does this, lets her know she has lost somethng as a consequence to her drinking, it plants a seed of doubt in her. You can let her know you will be there for her when she is ready to get help.

Posted by: rose at November 22, 2006 02:11 PM (Eodj2)

7 I've been on both sides of this, and a) you're not a terrible friend - there's got to be a point where you have to let them work all that crap out on their own and not hang it on you to help them out - and b) you can't help a junkie (or drunk) unless they truly want the help. In my opinion, just from reading this, Billie's saying the right things, but she doesn't want to fix anything yet. Maybe some day, but not yet.

Posted by: amber at November 22, 2006 02:29 PM (5PLeA)

8 Parallel lives, m'dere. You're not a bad person. Billie needs therapy and you are not a therapist. You should never risk your own mental health for the sake of someone else's. If PB has taught me anything, it's that. Perhaps she's tulips where gardenias should grow.

Posted by: Ms. Pants at November 22, 2006 03:08 PM (r6SJw)

9 You are a wonderful person, you are in touch with how you feel, that is hard to accomplish! Please try not to feel bad for 'how' you feel, some things we cannot change, and how we feel is one of them. Happy Tday, go Cowboys! :-)

Posted by: Steff at November 22, 2006 03:23 PM (uKuUC)

10 Billie needs more help than anyone can give her. She needs to help herself. Without her own effort, external efforts are doomed to failure. It's not your job to love her unconditionally. A good friend would take Billie aside and have a heart to heart with her about her problems. Negotiate with Billie about what needs to happen. And then that good friend will walk away when all the promises lie broken, bleeding, and covered in ranch dressing on the floor. Maybe Billie won't be able to turn it around until she hits bottom, alone with her husband and her booze. Maybe she won't be able to turn it around even then. But Helen, you can't fix her. Be a good friend, it's okay to be angry with her, and it's also okay to walk away when you're done. The worst friend is the one that says it's all okay and secretly seethes because they don't have the guts to say something or walk away.

Posted by: Barnaby at November 22, 2006 03:29 PM (kaZ33)

11 Maybe everyone being so understanding is what is enabling her to keep destroying things. Maybe if everyone stopped being so understanding she could confront herslef and her own issues. There's a reason addicts only get help when they hit bottom. Save your forbearance for the long road she has to sobriety and the setbacks she will have in the journey. On the other hand, I too have never been any good at watching my loved ones crash-and-burn. But thats MY control issue. Hugs! And oh yeah, being mad at her doesnt make you a bad friend - not telling her how disappointed and mad you are might.

Posted by: That Girl at November 22, 2006 03:33 PM (oT4a3)

12 Don't be too hard on yourself over it; Billie doesn't need someone to be there for her so much as she desperately needs to abstain from alcohol. Any alcohol. Ever. It's just one of life's cruelties that some people cannot drink without drinking to excess every time, and it looks like she won that lottery. Besides, it's quite natural to be angry over the behavior of drunks. I could write books on it. For now, I guess there's nothing for me to do but pray for the health of your flower arrangement, and of course the plasma. Very sorry you're dealing with this.

Posted by: ilyka at November 22, 2006 07:46 PM (Sz1jV)

13 You can't always fix your friends. And at some point the friendship becomes too uneven, you're the caregiver, you're trying your hardest and when she doesn't meet you half way (or less than halfway in this case) there's nothing wrong in keeping your distance. These types of "friends" end up turning on you. Protect yourself, you don't need this at this point in your life. I'm so glad you're feeling better and stronger. Keep it up, we're all rooting for you! (But just so you know, if you land in my salad bowl more than once, I'm not meeting you at the hospital, either!)

Posted by: Oda Mae at November 22, 2006 08:53 PM (swPhx)

14 You are being a bit hard on yourself given that this has not been the easiest year for you. Perhaps when you are less emotional about it you can sit down and let her know how you want to help but it means meeting her halfway. She has to do the hard work--then you can be there for her. Many good wishes.

Posted by: sophie at November 22, 2006 09:31 PM (1HOa8)

15 There's little that I can add that hasn't been said already. Other than the fact that I agree with all the opinions spoken here. Perhaps Billie needs to know just how angry you are. To be told in a I'm-your-best-friend-and-I-love-you-but-you're-pissing-me-off type of way. That she seriously needs to get her life under control before something happens with nobody there to take care of her. And that you're tired of bailing her ass out only to watch her go back and do the same things over again. I know, I've had to do that with some good friends myself. And later they've come back and thanked me for being such a friend as to belt them upside the head and telling them to wake up and smell the fucking coffee. And I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Eat & drink till you explode. With a smile on your face.

Posted by: diamond dave at November 22, 2006 09:51 PM (eAC/x)

16 I agree with Diamond Dave about Billie. You should not let her put a guilt trip on you. You supported her until it became obvious that she was beyond help unless she decided to help herself. Don't feel guilty for that. And have a wonderful Thanksgiving. I love the hydrangea vase on the wall; please leep her away from it and the plasma!

Posted by: kenju at November 23, 2006 01:49 AM (L8e9z)

17 I remember once sitting down to write a letter that had me in tears most of the time. In short, it was a letter to a friend that told him that he was getting so self-destructive that he was losing all sympathy— and that if he continued on, I'd have to stop being there for him. That letter damn near broke my heart, since he was a GOOD friend, and I hated to see this happen. (There was no depression involved but a lot of risky behaviors as well as burning bridges.) He never said a word about the letter. I have no idea if it did any good— but after a semester studying abroad, he evened out and now is a good friend again. But I know what it is to have to do the best thing for someone else... especially when it's not the kind thing. The fact that it bothers you to not be there for Billie shows how important showing kindness to friends is for you. But sometimes, it's kinder in the long run to NOT be there, to give them a hint that their path is going downhill or even off a cliff. Think of it as a warning sign: "Cliff Ahead. TURN." I hope that Billie chooses a better path. But you can't live her life for her. Try not to tear yourself up over her (though you probably will.)

Posted by: B. Durbin at November 23, 2006 07:21 AM (tie24)

18 Once I had a friend who would wake me up at three in the morning clearly high on pills and booze. I grew tired of her great soul-sucking needs, especially because she was unable to see that other people had needs, and one day, I just walked away. We can't fix people, we can be friends and try to support them, but we can't fix them. I agree with whomever already stated that if she gets drunk at Thanksgiving you should put her in a cab and send her on her way home. There is no need to monitor and mention her drinking, you're not her parent, but you have every right to remover her from your house if she is drunk and disorderly. I sm sure that when she sobers up and realizes that she was sent home early you will have the perfect opportunity to tell her what she needs to hear.

Posted by: Some Girl at November 23, 2006 07:30 AM (3vTt6)

19 Ibid to all of it. I had a similar experience with a good friend. The day we had to call an ambulance for him because he nearly drank himself to death was the day I walked away. I hope he gets better, but I have plenty of problems of my own to deal with.

Posted by: ~Easy at November 23, 2006 03:06 PM (FKBK3)

20 I'd say she has a self centred problem not a drinking problem. Noice she didn't even ask if you were ok. I've had "friends" and relatives like this and I no longr have an ounce of sympathy for these types who impose their problems on everyone else and use up 2nd, 3rd, 4th etc chances. I hate to sound like a conservative but over time I've concluded that most alchos are just using drinking as an excuse for their bad character. end rant, duck for cover!

Posted by: Steve P at November 26, 2006 11:38 AM (PUvyU)

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