I'm really a product of TV. TV is living. TV is the air, the wind, and the fire. To hell with that love stuff, that's just like the caramel on top of the already spectacular hot fudge sundae you've got brewing. I'm like Frank Cross was - my childhood was TV, and my adulthood loves it just as much as the young me (albeit with far less viewing time than I used to have).

I use TV a lot in my daily life. I quote things constantly. When I need to take the trash out and am getting a new bin liner, I sing "I want some trash bags!" which is a little ditty I hear on The A-Team when I was about 11. When organizing meetings I still sign things off with "Your Cruise Director Julie". While travelling I used to say, as we headed to the airport to go home, "Each time Sam hoped that the next leap would be the leap home." Because nothing screams "loser" quite like quoting Quantum Leap. I walk around saying "All right?" like Ness from Gavin and Stacy. And I still enjoy waving my arm around and saying "Welcome to Fantasy Island!" in an accent that would make Count Chocula drool cocoa-colored drool with envy.

It doesn't mean people always get me. When I would hold one of the babies above my head and shout "Kunta kinte!" no one got what I was throwing at them. Likewise, when one of the kids is screaming their heads off, I arch an eyebrow and say "That doesn't look like happy to see me." (which is actually from a horrible film with Gwenyth Paltrow and Michael Douglas, but I saw it on TV so it counts.) My new favorite is to preface a discussion with: "The facts were these" in a voice as like the Pushing Daisies one as I can get.

Often it causes Angus a lot of grief.

The other day he came home from the gym in the evening to be met with me standing in the doorway.

"If you dump me, promise you won't get a lifelike doll to screw around with instead of a person."

"The thought hadn't crossed my mind."

"Good. Because it's happening on C.S.I. New York right now and I would be really fucked off if you went off with a living doll."

"Got it."

And of course it causes relationship discussions.

"Many years from now, when I'm old and grey, will you change my catheter?" I ask him in the kitchen. He buries his head in his hands in an "Oh God, what has she been watching on TV now?" motion.

"What?"

"I'm watching Brothers and Sisters and they brought it up. Years from now will you change my catheter?"

"Isn't that something for the professionals?"

"I don't think so."

"Oh right. That's a colostomy bag," he amends.

"Right. Yeah. So about the catheter?"

"Of course I will."

"Oh thank you. You do love me."

"I'm not going to love the job or anything, but I will do it."

And since I'm not asking him to jump for joy, I'll take it.

-H.

PS - Monday night I took an ambien and slept 7 hours. Last night, I slept 1 hour. I'm going back to the doctor. I can't take much more of this.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 11:53 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
Post contains 570 words, total size 3 kb.

1 Do you get restless and do your hands start to quiver, once you do not put the TV on for some days? Kidding. I threw my old TV out of my room a few months ago, and - oh wonder - I can live without it for a few days. Sometimes I watch a little on a postcard size Mini TV besides my PC and it seems that I really do not care so much any more who is the murder, who won the soccer game or what is in the latest news.

Posted by: Paula at February 04, 2009 12:34 PM (Nm4nm)

2 I'm totally with you on this one. I am such a TV addict. Only I find I have to stop myself from saying things like "missed it by that much," because my husband would totally not get it.

Posted by: Erin at February 04, 2009 12:54 PM (IPMSz)

3 Have you tried Lunesta*? I hadn't slept more than four hours in a 72 hour period and my doc gave me some samples and they are awesome!

Posted by: Jen at February 04, 2009 01:28 PM (H5I1S)

4 I remember that "A-Team" episode where Murdock kept screaming, "Tuh-rash bags!! I want tuh-raaaash bags!!" And then he built a contraption where he filled all the trash bags with hot air and floated out of the prison. I got all your quotes except the "Quantum Leap" one. When it comes to tv, movies, and music of the '80s, I could go on a stinkin' game show and kick butt. But since the mid '90s I've become much less hooked on those things. If you want to wean yourself off tv shows slowly, just don't pick up new ones as the old ones go off. I've only got 3 that I watch regularly now. Has anyone seen "Burn Notice"? THAT is a phenomenal show!! : )

Posted by: Solomon at February 04, 2009 01:54 PM (x+GoF)

5 I think about fifty percent of what comes out of my mouth was hijacked from either "Friends" or "Saturday Night Live" skits. Which would be fine if people understood, but no one seems to, and it makes me quite the freak.

Posted by: D at February 04, 2009 02:33 PM (G/WTy)

6 I thought I was the only one who still channels Murdock when I buy or use a trash bag.

Posted by: donna at February 04, 2009 03:25 PM (xSk7G)

7 And here I thought I was the only one... BabyDaddy will be happy to hear that I'm not the only one that runs around spouting off random television quotes.

Posted by: amber at February 04, 2009 03:35 PM (y4djL)

8 Are you kidding me? Quantum Leap and A Perfect Murder are the awesomest TV show and movie, respectively. I don't care if I'm a lame-o.

Posted by: Jendeis at February 04, 2009 04:55 PM (oTrqs)

9 D, I could totally hang with you. At least for the Friends quotes. I might be a bit spotty on the SNL ones, depending on the season. My dad is also good at tossing in Friends quotes. We drive my mother nuts. PIVOT!!!! Hel, this is just another example of why we're soulmates. While I totally get the Roots thing, if you held a baby over your head, I'd bust out with a very [un]melodic Lion King cry. (That whole: "aaaa asemmmmmmmeeelaaaa!!!" or whatever the fuck. Amy and I do it all the time at each other.) Also, I got an eyeshadow a long time ago that said it was holographic. We referred to it as my Al-eyeshadow and made that little squibbllybbitt! noise every time I wore it. ...Al never appeared. Kinda a bust, really.

Posted by: Ms. Pants at February 04, 2009 11:10 PM (O/IRp)

10 Ask about Thorazine. Great sleep -best I ever had -sleep that is. Seriosl can be used as a sort of cheap cheaers test for psychosis. If 25-50 mg does not put you to sleep you may well be psychotic. Trazadone workw well for me. Good luck.

Posted by: Charles at February 05, 2009 01:39 AM (maQJG)

11 As someone who quotes everything from Gilligan's Island and the Brady Bunch to the Princess Bride and Monty Python's Holy Grail, I sympathize with you (and with those around you). The sleep issue I am no help with. I tried Trazodone once and it was ... overly rest-enhancing. With two small children at home and a teen prone to violent outbreaks, it was not a good idea at the time. Also, the night thirsties and sweats were horrendous - for me; it might be different for you. And I will admit, the first couple nights of "sleep-of-the-dead" were very welcome at the time (in retrospect, and considering nothing bad happened while I was passed out). I really do hope you are able to find some relief, because insomnia can drive a person to kill another person who happens to cross their path in the wrong direction at just the right moment.

Posted by: Lisa at February 05, 2009 04:52 AM (YEsan)

12 If 25-50 mg does not put you to sleep you may well be psychotic. Wow. Totally reassuring.

Posted by: Helen at February 05, 2009 08:21 AM (wuta+)

13 My husband and I quote Gavin and Stacey to death... mostly "OH! What's Occuring?". I got to interview Gavin (Mat Horne) for work this week and was disappointed that he was kind of a letch

Posted by: Alice at February 09, 2009 12:53 AM (R5lnx)

14 I remember the one-liner "I want some trash bags!" from Murdock while he was in prison. Amazing that such information is saved somewhere when you're 34 years old. Just for the fans -> "I love it when a plan comes together"

Posted by: Ernst at February 09, 2009 09:43 AM (NFIZm)

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