I've been thinking a lot about a subject that is perhaps going to generate a great deal of hate mail, but seeing as though that's never stopped me before, here goes.

I have a pretty high squick factor, really. Not only am I besieged by the great poo phobia, but other things creep me out. Like dandruff. The aforementioned poo. Umbilical cord stumps (which will not only not get put in any album, but I'm calling a Hazmat team to come and remove the offensive object if I ever have a baby.)

And one thing that sends me running to the hills is breastfeeding.

When I was in university I took a feminist studies class (euphemistically titled 'Gender Studies in Comparative Societies'. A few optimistic lads signed up for it, perhaps optimistically thinking that the title translated into 'T&A' or 'Easy Pass' or something like that. We'd run them off by the second class.) I was good at that class, as it meant reading, writing, and directing highly controlled hatred, and no one excelled at hatred like I did.

I remember one day we were talking about the slavery that is the woman's role in the home. I had just reached for my kerosene and unhooked my bra when women started chiming in who were mothers at home. While they were mothers who were 'rediscovering themselves and their missions as women' '“ sorry, womyn- 'and re-defining '˜she'', they were also overwhelming in number if you compared the equation of angry bra-burners plus blatant lesbians. In other words, we were outnumbered.

They were the crunchy-granola muesli earth-loving Birkenstock-wearing kind of mothers, the kind who would have clothed their children in hemp if they could have done and named their children 'Rainbow' and 'Tikki Tavi' and the like while they celebrated their participation in the human race by dancing under the moonlight every other Tuesday night.

None of this bothered me in the slightest. What did bother me was their greatest single feature-they were all card-carrying members of La Leche. La Leche (which is Italian for 'milk') is about the creepiest thing in the world to me. A club for women who breastfeed. A CLUB.

And so there it is. Breastfeeding has about the highest possible squick factor to me. I would rather reach into my own ass and hand-deliver poop than whip out a boob and open the bar for business. With regards to myself, I view it almost like parasitism-a hungry thing latches on to a part of my body and takes nourishment from me. A hungry thing that I carted around for 9 months decides that's not enough, they need to steal fluid from my glands to be happy, the ungrateful cur. I know this 'hungry thing' is a baby, but something about breastfeeding is so incredibly creepy to me that I can't separate the two ideas. I have this vision of an infant, its gums chomping on my nipple for dear life, as I swing my boobs around in an arc and the infant doesn't let go, much like a horror movie only I am not running up the stairs to my doom in my vision. I know breastfeeding is about bonding, sharing from the mother to the child, etc, and that's part of what squicks me out, that sharing aspect. I do also understand that the mother's body has a number of antibodies, nutrients, and protection in the milk, that it's better for the baby, but then I am sure Harvard is better than the University of Surrey, and you can bet my kid isn't going to the former of the two if I have to pay for it.

Now I have absolutely no problem with other women that breastfeed. Honestly. I think that whatever you feel is best is the way you should go (unless you feel that filling the bottle with tequila slammers is the best bet, in which case we need to talk). If you choose to breastfeed, then rock on sister. I think it's great for you if it's what you want for you and your child. Despite the title of this post, I am not judging anyone and I also absolutely could care less if women breastfeed in public-I want to throttle those people who get on their moral high horse about a woman breastfeeding a baby. It's not like the woman is in the middle of creating porn, it's the mother's natural and human process of feeding. Breastfeeding in public doesn't seem to be a big deal here but I do know in the States people throw strops about it, in which case I think a little rabbit punching is in order. It was even less a problem in Sweden, but then again skinny dipping was de rigeur so let's all be ok with our love handles and be one with nature.

No, breastfeeding has absolutely never appealed to me, personally. There was a tv show on recently which showed mothers breastfeeding their kids (Warning! A childless woman is about to bestow her opinion on something with regards to children! Get your email open now and prepare to compose that poison pen email to me!) late in life. Like, LATE in life. One woman was still breastfeeding her children, who are now 11 and 9. The kids loved breastfeeding, as they admitted openly to the camera (that admission will haunt you the rest of your teenage years, kids) and hoped it would never end. They showed the mom breastfeeding to her 11 year old on the couch.

I couldn't feel my toes I thought it was so revolting. Babies? That's one thing. An 11 year-old? Yeah that's of foraging age. Should starvation set in, they can eat berries. If you are of berry picking age, then you shouldn't be breastfeeding (again in my humble childless opinion).

Angus and I would have had a huge argument about breastfeeding, I think, as he's of the crunchy muesli opinion that it's better for the kid to breastfeed, and I agree it probably is better for them. It's just something I absolutely could never have brought myself to do, and luckily I don't have to-the breast reduction 14 years ago rid me of the worry, as the plastic surgeon warned me that removing 7 pounds of boob would mean that I would not only lose breast fat, but I'd lose the mammary glands as well, and thus would never ever be able to breastfeed.

What? Not breastfeed? Not worry that I could get enormous chapped nipples? Not freak out when I started to leak onto my shirt as it was time to feed? Not have to use breast pumps when I had to go to work?

'Fine with me, Doc,' I cheerily replied with a huge smile. 'See you in the operating room!'

Again, wonderful that other women can and do breastfeed. But like piercing my clitoris, embracing 1960's clothing or getting a perm, it's just not for me.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:50 AM | Comments (32) | Add Comment
Post contains 1179 words, total size 7 kb.

1 Thank god for you Helen. I did not breastfeed my two children, it just did not appeal to me at all. I have very large breast and have always been uncomfortable with them, and the idea of having to haul them out several times a day (and night) was the last thing I could bring myself to do. I was chastised by everyone from the store clerk who rang up my formula to doctors. But it is a choice, and like you said what is good for one woman and her baby is not necessarily good for the next. In the end, my babies were healtlhy (always in the top percentiles or their height/weight), between the two of them they had one ear infection to date, and are very healthy. The most important thing in the end is that a woman makes a choice that she is comfortable with, and that she cares for her child the best that she can.

Posted by: Teresa at February 09, 2006 01:34 PM (zf0DB)

2 My son never drank at the tap but I pumped for almost a year. For over 9 months he drank breast milk exclusively. It wasn't easy but I wasn't so much for breast milk as I was afraid of formula (and the cost of formula). Part of being a mother is sometimes doing what you think is best for your child, even if it's something you don't want to do because believe me, I really didn't want to pump and I definitely didn't want to BF- formula is so much easier. If I had another baby I doubt I could do all that pumping again.

Posted by: paula at February 09, 2006 01:40 PM (FlZPw)

3 You are a brave woman to express that opinion out loud. I think the La Leche SWAT team is assembling outside your door at this moment. Personally, I agree. It squicks me out too, but I plan to do it if I can. If I can't, or it's too icky for me, I'll have that can of similac on standby in the pantry. I will say that the breastfed babies of my friends are sick far less often than the formula fed ones. That's my only basis for deciding to do it if I can. My brother and I were not breastfed. BTW. as I read this post, there is an ad on the sidebar for Motherwear that shows a woman nursing. How appropos.

Posted by: donna at February 09, 2006 01:49 PM (UqSGm)

4 Helen - I, too, am skeeved out by breast feeding. I tend to be more OK with someone doing it for a few months when the baby is very small (supposed to be good for their immune system or something) BUT, anything over six months seems bizarre. My One Person (sister) did for almost 10 months with her first and I couldn't deal. I kept saying, "Isn't it time to wean him?" While it's OK for others, I don't know if I ever would...I just don't like the idea.

Posted by: Serena at February 09, 2006 02:23 PM (OX+n1)

5 Oh for fucks sake. I didn't think it was possible to love you more and here you've gone and done it again. (Leche is spanish for milk. Latte is Italian for milk.) Breast feeding is fine for some. But I happen to like the whole breastage-fondling thing and I can't handle someone who came OUT of me being the one to do that. Ew ew ew ew. Plus, dude. I love my tits. LOVE them! I'm not willing to go all pancake and deflated. Selfish? Sure. But I've got D+ tits and if I ever get pregnant I'm going to need a wheel barrow to cart them around. (I'm bigger now than my mother was with me and I was a month late.) I'd smother the kid in tit. And then I'd be left with deflated JJJ tits. Hanging to my ankles. I'd have Tankles (tm Amy). No. I drank soy. My hypothetical children will drink soy. Plus, that means that the bastard who knocked me up and didn't have to do anything for 9 months while I grew this little alien in my body can get up for 4am feedings while I sleep.

Posted by: Ms. Pants at February 09, 2006 03:06 PM (19wVo)

6 And I'm sorry, but if your child is old enough to say "breast feeding" then I think the actual act of it should be considered a form of abuse.

Posted by: Ms. Pants at February 09, 2006 03:07 PM (19wVo)

7 Helen, I felt the same way when i had my children(I have a 12 yr old and a 15 month old) I've never felt comfortable with the idea for myself but have no problem with anyone else doing it. I was kicked off of a Pagan email list for expressing my personal choice in much the same way you have here.A woman on that list mentioned that her daughter was beginning to use her as a pacifier and she was clearly unhappy about it. She was also worried she would be attacked for wanting to wean.I suggested that if the child no longer needed the breastmilk and the mother was unhappy she should be allowed to stop whenever she wanted. All of a sudden every woman on that list turned into breastfeeding nazis. We were attacked and accused of being bad mothers and not smart women for falling prey to the formula industry. It was ridiculous. My 12 yr old has been sick maybe 5 times in her life and never had an ear infection while my son gets sick every other day and the formula offered these days is much better than it was 10 yrs ago. I had a great doctor who told me even though he wished I'd consider bf that antibodies cross the placenta so that the child has help after it's born until its own immune system catches up. As for the bonding part of things I've watched breastfeeding friends labor and suffer over trying to get their baby to latch on.It's not easy and doesn't just happen. Babies are masters of reading body language and tuning into a mother's feelings.Why would I put my child through the feelings i would be having if i breastfed against my will just because someone says formula isn't good enough. I simply wouldn't. Good for you for saying what you feel and for knowing that when you get pregnant you will be facing some less than happy people over your decision.Some first time mothers are truly blindsided by it.

Posted by: Fawn at February 09, 2006 03:51 PM (/LEmS)

8 Is it weird that I've never even given this a moment's thought? I mean, I think about my future and kids and all, but the decision to breastfeed has never even crossed my mind. But I have to say, I'd really rather not have tankles until I'm old and more wrinkled than a prune.

Posted by: amy t. at February 09, 2006 03:53 PM (zPssd)

9 Thanks for the great laugh. I too, curl my toes with =ick= at the parasitic nature of breastfeeding. Without a doubt, mothers with infants should have the right to feed their INFANTS (not 11-yr-olds!!!) without the whole of society fainting away, but...for me...ew. Anyway; great laugh, thanks. Best wishes with the IVF, keep up the good work (I know it's hard), and congrats on the Big Win at Dream Job.

Posted by: LynD at February 09, 2006 04:27 PM (EUyu0)

10 11 years old??? oh dear god. i see a 'True Story of a Serial Killer's Childhood' in the making already. eeecchhhhhh.

Posted by: river at February 09, 2006 04:28 PM (4dWnl)

11 I'm so amused at the way you write about your college days, Helen, the "womyn" and all that. I was such an ardent feminist back then too, and I think the curriculum was more virulent back then than it is now. I remember the man-hating lesbians, and all the anger, and "we're not going to be slaves to men ANYMORE!" and I remember feeling torn between wanting to be a strong woman (who doesn't?), but being totally turned off by the sheer intensity. Damn, they hated men! Soooo glad I got away from all that. What a time! Anyway, I breastfed and I loved it. However, I was squicked at the whole idea of having something alive inside me at all before I got pregnant. Parasite indeed. Like a horror movie. But I changed and turned into Super Pregnant Mommy once I got pregnant and I just ate up all the info about bottle vs. breastfeeding. There is so much pressure to do exactly the right thing! Be exactly the Perfect Mother! Yeesh. Now my kids are grown, I'm older and I know women who are starting their families now and it's a HUGE issue; the baby won't take the breast or they're not giving enough milk and the poor moms cry and feel like a failure because they think they're bad moms if they can't breastfeed and have to give a bottle, or they're told they're horrible if they wean them too early, blah blah blah. Please, god, just chill out! Women have been having babies FOREVER! Breast milk, no breast milk, pacifiers, thumb, they cry, they don't. JEBUS! You think they go through all this in third world countries? I don't think so. Sometimes I think Western Civilization is trying to breed the ability to have babies right out of women with all this damn stress over how to do it "right"! Sorry for the mini-rant. And honest to god, if you get ANY hate mail from this post, I'm blowing up the whole damn internet, I swear. *grumbles*

Posted by: Amber at February 09, 2006 05:02 PM (zQE5D)

12 I think everyone's entitled to their own view - and as long as you're doing what you can to keep your child healthy and don't interfere with the desire of others to do what they can that's what's important. (Exceptions for tequila filled bottles and the like.) But - I'd think that your surgery will offer you an easy out if faced with adamant breastfeeding advocates. If you don't feel like getting into it all, that is.

Posted by: martha at February 09, 2006 05:04 PM (M7fGT)

13 I'm not terribly fond of La Leche because of all of the grief I got after having Elizabeth. She was born with only one kidney, and we had problems from the get-go getting her and I on the same page when it came to breastfeeding. I was so concerned about her eating enough to make sure that one kidney was good that I just gave up and let her have formula. I ended up getting blasted by the "lacation consultant" in the hospital, and all of the acqaintences that were members of La Leche also dug into me. I don't think that I did my child any damage by not breastfeeding her. She's ahead for most of her age in smarts, and she's completely fine physically (other than the kidney, of course).

Posted by: amber at February 09, 2006 05:40 PM (1augU)

14 I have a cousin that was still breastfeeding her son when he was five. FIVE YEARS OLD! That completely turned me off of breastfeeding my children.

Posted by: Lindsay at February 09, 2006 05:47 PM (KMJ0B)

15 Oooo, first guy to comment on this post it seems. Doesn't it all boil down to doing the best we can for our kids? When it's my turn to feed the wee one, I ask my wife whether she wants to breastfeed, bottle, or formula feed. After a bad day (no naps, usually) it's agonizing for me to watch her get defensive about her ability to provide breast milk for our son. She wants to keep breastfeeding occassionally just because it's handy in those emergency situations when formula isn't handy, but she's switched to pumping as much as she's comfortable with and then we supplement the rest of his appetite with formula. In my opinion, all my son needs to do is get to 18 with his major organs/limbs intact. The rest can be sorted out with therapy as long as my wife and I try our best to provide a caring, nurturing family environment for him to grow up in. I was fed exclusively formula, and I turned out okay (nothing that can't be managed by pharmaceuticals and clean living). I don't remember what was in the bottle when I was fed those many years ago. What I will never forget was the divorce and the lectures and yelling and screaming that only ended after I moved away to college. Let's all just find the balance among all the important bits. The rest will sort itself out. ps If doctors in organic granola Berkeley, CA think La Leche League is scary, I'm scared.

Posted by: Barnaby at February 09, 2006 06:35 PM (mTNES)

16 There really are some breast feeding nazi's out there. I'm sure your email box is overflowing by now. I found your post interesting to read. I must admit that the thought of something sucking nutrients from my breast skeevs me out a bit as well - not that I, like you, don't think it's a good thing for those who choose. I remember reading a story several years ago about a 9 year old that still breast fed. That is just WRONG. Wrong, wrong wrong!!!!

Posted by: Di at February 09, 2006 06:42 PM (KJE2B)

17 Again Helen, you make me happy that I'm not the only one who feels like that. I'm happy to have others do it, but yeccccch. Not me.

Posted by: caltechgirl at February 09, 2006 08:14 PM (/vgMZ)

18 OMG girl, you crack me up! I BF two out of three. I flip flopped with it. But 11 years old! Just ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! I looked over at my 10 year old son and got shivers when I read that. Ew, ew, ew! I think the next time he even asks me to poor him a cup of milk he is going to have to get it himself! EW.

Posted by: justme at February 09, 2006 08:56 PM (q53K/)

19 I tried to BF all three of mine, and they needed supplemental bottles after about 2 months. So I stopped then. Don't worry about it; if it isn't your cup of tea, so what?

Posted by: kenju at February 09, 2006 09:10 PM (2+7OT)

20 Perhaps you were a wet nurse in a previous life. In all seriousness, I've been a lurker for a while and never posted, but I did want to respond to this post. I don't mean for this to be hate mail, believe me. And let's just put aside the issues about pre-teens breastfeeding -- which I think we can all agree is wrong -- and the self-righteousness of some breastfeeding advocates -- which is plainly offensive. And let me also say that there are plenty of good and logical reasons to formula-feed. But all that being said, I am saddened and troubled by the feeling, that obviously is shared by many, that breastfeeding is icky or gross. I mean, how screwed up is our culture when one of the distinguishing traits of mammals -- lactation -- and for centuries, the only way to feed a newborn safely, is cause for revulsion? Lastly, I don't see how anyone who finds breastfeeding icky could possibly give birth vaginally. Now, *that* is gross. You actually poop in front of other people, including your spouse, who is in theory, supposed to want to have sex with you again at some point.

Posted by: Emily at February 09, 2006 09:30 PM (xWFCX)

21 I tried earlier to comment again but it got lost somewhere I was just going to mention an interesting idea that came up between me and a friend not long ago and sort of ties in with the comment Emily made. We were theorizing that maybe the reason some women don't like the idea of bf stems from the way we played as children. I know I for one have never given my daughter a doll and showed her how to breastfeed it. Kinda sounds funny to me to even say that. but the truth is no one I've ever known with kids has done that.Even the bf ones. I've also never seen a child play that way and I worked in childcare for years. I don't know but it's interesting

Posted by: Fawn at February 09, 2006 10:12 PM (/LEmS)

22 11. That is just wrong.

Posted by: Jess at February 09, 2006 11:28 PM (jiaJ/)

23 Thanks GOD I say that we live in an age wher ewomen have choices!!

Posted by: flikka at February 10, 2006 12:51 AM (puvdD)

24 Me again. Two in one week! I put my delurking habits to rest! Anyway...to each his one. We have options, that is the beauty of it all! Me personally, did not BF either. I was soooo afraid my son would get an attachment and then after my wimpy maternity leave of a mere 6 weeks , I would put him in total shock when I was not there to meet his hunger demands! Thankfully both of my boys (3 & 9) thrived on formula feeding and lots of love from us!

Posted by: Steff at February 10, 2006 01:20 AM (Ip3Mw)

25 I felt that way about being pregnant. I hated it. I felt like a foreign being had taken over my body and made it gross. I had no power over what occurred. Wet stuff came out of my vagina - ew, wet stuff came out of my nipples - ew....and I looked like a beached whale. Every pore of my body swelled up in pregnancy. I literally HATED it. I thought I would be a horrible mother because I wasn't really fond of children. Breatfeeding grossed me out, too. Then I had my daughter. At least my body was my own again. And I had no problems breastfeeding - nor did I mind it at all. It was always in private - I didn't like other people in the room, even my own mother. That added an embarrassing "ew" factor. I only breatfed for 9 months - after that, my daughter decided on her own she liked other beverages better. As it was, by 9 months, she was only breastfeeding once in a while - it got less and less after 4 months until it was done at 9 months. I never minded it. I don't know about you, but I did change my perceptions about a lot of things once I actually had my daughter in my arms. I adored her - she was special to me, and even though I'd never been a "baby" person, she made me one. Perhaps your feelings will change - perhaps not. But I understand about the "ew" factor. So many women I've spoken to enjoyed their pregnancy- I was absolutely horrified over the entire ordeal, including the delivery. Needless to say, I only had one child - I vowed I would NEVER do pregnancy again. But I found out I do like babies, especially my own......

Posted by: suze at February 10, 2006 01:35 AM (k1Y5v)

26 yeah, BF gives me the creeps a bit too, and when they get teeth, ouch! A friend of mine had to supplement BF with formula as her little guy needed more food. I was talking to another friend about it, and he got all self-righteous about it, saying that it wasn't necessary, a woman should be able to provide enough milk for her baby! I couldn't believe it, what a bastard. Mind you, he was one of those hippy types who was considering eating the placenta ... ewww

Posted by: Amanda at February 10, 2006 01:55 AM (L4Sch)

27 Emily and Flikka hit the nail on the head-I too wondered why we all didn't like the idea of breastfeeding, but it's clear that we are able to think that because we have more choice now than, say, women did 50 or 60 years ago. Maybe they felt squicky too, but couldn't do anything about the squick factor so they just sucked it up. And Emily the pooping while birthing? HUGE fear of mine. Huge. Am thinking if I do ever have children and it is a vaginal delivery, some brainwashing will be needed. Not just some brainwashing. Lots of brainwashing.

Posted by: Helen at February 10, 2006 09:09 AM (pYaFz)

28 I have to agree with the opinion that breast feeding is a great thing, it's just not something I liked doing. I tried with my first child and hated it, was always in a rotten mood, and got tired of sitting around topless watching my boobs leak. And it's no fun to have to rocks attached to my body. I did not breast feed my second child and was much happier. I know it's best for my baby, but my kids are not fat, are very smart...a big part of parenting is plain common sense and I've seen too many women rely on breast feeding as a "cure-all." Besides, after suffering the indignity of childbirth, who really wants to haul out the funbags all the time? Great post!

Posted by: GroovyVic at February 10, 2006 07:32 PM (UJdFD)

29 I've thought heaps about breast reduction surgery. Sometimes I want it, sometimes I don't. When I finally make up my mind to do it, that annoying little voice in my head chirps up "but then you can't breastfeed!". Sigh. Back to square one again. Story of my life.

Posted by: Mary-Jo at February 10, 2006 10:54 PM (ifdYo)

30 Maybe this is going to sound completely wrong, but if it does: this is not some sort of hate mail. I'm kind of surprised to read your viewpoint on this, I would have thought that you would embrace anything which has to do with children whole heartedly. On the other hand - it's definitely a clue that you're not obsessed, which is good. I did enjoy reading about your viewpoint, which made me stop and think, realizing I'd never thought about it that much. And after all, one is always entitled to her own opinion! That so didn't sound right. But I don't know how to say what I was thinking any better...

Posted by: Hannah at February 12, 2006 09:57 PM (ImQx2)

31 I have to say - you really can't beat the convenience of breastfeeding... What with hauling around all of the absolutely necessary stuff that babies need (diapers, baby wipes, extra clothes, more diapers, more extra clothes, sunscreen, a "blankie", spit-up cloth, car seat, ...), not having to worry about hauling around and mixing formula was really helpful. And if I'd had to do ANYTHING other than haul out a boob for those middle-of-the-night feedings, well, in my sleep deprived stupor who knows what I would have ended up feeding my daughter! That said, you just roll with it and do what ever you need to do! (but nursing at age 11?? ~ick ick ick~)

Posted by: Dawn at February 12, 2006 11:21 PM (gh9/z)

32 I was waiting in breathless fear for this comments section to be taken over by the LLL SWAT (haha). Breast-feeders have no problem whatsoever calling other mothers nasty horrible names. I had one woman tell me I should have strangled my kids rather than fed them formula. She was serious. If you think SAYING it will get you in trouble, just wait until you do it. The funny thing is, I think more women would breastfeed and breastfeed longer if the advocates were more accepting and tolerant of any other point of view.

Posted by: That Girl at February 13, 2006 01:57 PM (QzfsY)

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