IÂ’m on the train now, late at night, as I return home from another business meeting. I say another and yet itÂ’s one of the first IÂ’ve been to as far back as I can remember. It seems like yesterday that I was charging up from the train station to the office, full of fire and action points and things to do and places to go and people to talk to and problems to solve.

Today it was just me. Just me and just my laptop. Just trying to figure out where I belonged in the drinking bird world.

I dressed to be serious. Business-like black sheath dress. Pearls – on the neck, wrist and ears. Hair was blown dry and not scrunched up wet for a change, heels 2 inches high. It got me bent over the back of the couch this morning for a quickie, perhaps because Angus hasn’t seen me in anything other than glasses and pajamas for ages.

I felt like someone to be reckoned with.

Maybe I was.

The meeting went off without a hitch. In the window of the meeting room I would flash in reflection. I am strong. I am a woman. I am tough. I am in charge. It looked so real I bought into it

After the meeting I meet up with my old team for drinks in our usual place. I have been in this bar so many times that I know where everything lies, where everything goes. I know what a tab looks like, when we flash it to add another drink to it. I know what their toilets with the Molton & Brown toiletries smell like. I know what smiles the bartenders have and I know how the bar heaves with people like me – business people who have no purpose other than to talk and drink and unwind a moment before life carries us away again.

Angus puts the babies to bed.

It is the first time that I am not there to put them to bed.

This team – my team – knows of my children just as I know of theirs. We ask about each others’ families. We laugh and order drinks. We flirt and tease and take the piss out of each other. We have seen each other in our weakest and our strongest moments.

Outside rain falls. People come running into the bar, shaking rain off of their heads and briefcases and umbrellas. We have another drink and some finger food. My legs cross and uncross, unused to the weight of real shoes on the real feet. I do not think of the work I have to do when I arrive home, nor of the action points I need to address tomorrow.

I sigh and sip my nameless faceless white wine. One of my boys – even though they’re not on my team anymore and we’ve all scattered to the wind I will always, always think of them as my boys – leans over to me and smiles and tells me he’s missed me. I smile back and tell him I missed him, too. We are not hitting on each other. We are just being honest.

We talk and laugh and make fun and I say my goodbyes early. I have a home to get to, one with sleeping babies and a man whoÂ’s been working and cabling and a dog whoÂ’s as sick of the rain as we are. The boys tease me about being a lightweight. They offer to buy another round. ItÂ’s not the drinks, and I think they know that. I just go home, thatÂ’s what I do.

As I walk out of the bar, with hugs and high fives for the men I have given my all to and with, with the boys who consider me one of their own, with the boys that I spend time with and never feel alone, I turn to look at the laughing lot of outcasts. They see me and wave. I wave back, and smile, and miss them. I hope to see them soon.

My heels punctuate the London rain-soaked night streets and I race for the train station, hoping to catch the right train at the right time. I have missed my babiesÂ’ first bedtime and it was ok. I have had my first business meeting, my first real meeting in ages, and it was ok. I will ride a train home and write up this blog post and I will be ok.

I wonder what you must think of my life. I write about taking a train into London, where I walk over a bridge to an office and become a businesswoman, full of vim and vigor. I wonder what you must think. I wonder if I seem impossibly unreal. I wonder if I seem egotistical and false. I wonder if I can let you know that a day came and went and I was reminded of how human I am, and how much I hold tight to memories I hold dear.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:19 PM | Comments (28) | Add Comment
Post contains 850 words, total size 4 kb.

1 Although I don't have babies at home, I can relate to the 'going out to work feeling'. I work from home so much, that I am almost scared to go out to meetings now. I just got an invite to a meeting in Crawley, in July, on a Friday and I nearly had a breakdown. I was screaming 300 miles on a FRIDAY round the house last night. I am already planning what to wear, wonder if the killer heels will be too much? I think I feel trapped by being at home yet I don't want to go anywhere else.ever.

Posted by: Bee Cee at May 29, 2008 09:55 PM (hKnts)

2 I am glad the first away from bedtime went okay. Firsts are always tough.

Posted by: Jen at May 29, 2008 09:55 PM (FYm8s)

3 You sound just exactly like yourself. It's good to hear it, too.

Posted by: BeachGirl at May 29, 2008 09:58 PM (U+oUO)

4 Actually you DO seem "impossibly unreal"in a fabulous way. I'm in awe and jealous of the life you lead. It's like reading a novel about some amazing cosmopolitan woman living an exciting life that someone like me could never lead. I'm not doubting your "real-ness." I'm saying that for some of us, reading about your life sounds like a complete happy fantasy world. (That is, compared to our boring mundane white-bread lives... or aybe it's just me!) Glad you're feeling good and you sound very contented right now. Peace!

Posted by: irshlas at May 29, 2008 10:33 PM (AJksJ)

5 I love to hear about you learning to balance the life that was with the life that now is. You may not always get it perfect, but you will always kick ass doing your best. It's all any of us can hope for.

Posted by: sophie at May 29, 2008 11:15 PM (ZPzQL)

6 Having discovered your blogs in early February and having read my way through the past years by early May ,I can tell you that you are doing what you have always done, trying to making a safe place for you and yours. The only difference between now and the early years is that Angus is now beside you to share in that safe place that you have built together and you have the children to share it with. We are many different people during our lifetimes, but each is still a part of us; the mom, the drinking bird engineer, the sexy woman in black dress and pearls, the Helen in flannel boxers and glasses. Not to enjoy and embrace each part is to weaken and deny the whole woman. We like all of you, or we would not click on each day to see how you are and what you have to say.

Posted by: Melissia at May 30, 2008 12:57 AM (mJWbf)

7 I see a person getting back into the swing of a life that carried her up to the point that she became a mother. I see a person trying to prove to herself that she can be a wonderful mommy, yet leave the babies in responsible hands and go deal with the working world in her usual tough, no-nonsense style. I see a person successfully proving it to herself, that she STILL has the stuff to make it in the professional world, particularly in a male-dominated profession. And I see a person who is able to do two things that mean so much to her, yet keep both worlds separated. One old and familiar, the other new and sometimes scary. In short, I think I see a real person. The real Helen that's made it this far with more balls than a lot of people, including many men (myself included).

Posted by: diamond dave at May 30, 2008 01:03 AM (EKSJf)

8 Your life sounds like a rich and full one. A life of a person fulfilling all areas of her life. But did you really have the time and energy to get "bent over the couch?" (ha ha) Congratulations on taking this first big step forward.

Posted by: Waiting Amy at May 30, 2008 01:38 AM (ecQ9f)

9 You are as real as the reflection I see in the mirror everyday. You don't have to tell me-I know.

Posted by: Teresa at May 30, 2008 01:38 AM (4P612)

10 I think it sounds great!

Posted by: Tina at May 30, 2008 03:17 AM (IeXqp)

11 I think I adore you, as always. I'd call it a good day. :-)

Posted by: caltechgirl at May 30, 2008 03:44 AM (IfXtw)

12 You are as real as I am, facing each day as it comes and wondering how my life will change even more over the next year or so. I am so proud of you. You rock.

Posted by: Lisa at May 30, 2008 04:56 AM (EcHBm)

13 Oh! And the "it got me bent over the couch for a quickie" sounds more like you than ever.

Posted by: Lisa at May 30, 2008 05:00 AM (EcHBm)

14 “I wonder what you think of my life.” That’s why we blog isn’t it? And before blogging there were journals and diaries and best friends or pets or dark rooms to pray in. We wonder ourselves about our own lives. We write to sort out the feelings and facts and people and places. We wonder who we are and why we are and what we do and why we do it. We look at our people and things and wonder. We come to the end of thoughts and ask others to wonder with us. We hold it up and shake it out and parade it around and look from every angle and wait for comments and thoughts from over there. We collect those thoughts and comments and sort them out, think them through and wonder some more. By the time the wondering is through and the gathering and polling and sorting out is over we are more of what we used to be and brand new at some things we never knew we had in us. We are a wonderful, wonderfilled creation and I wonder about those who don’t wonder.

Posted by: gemma at May 30, 2008 12:15 PM (xrUPc)

15 Cheering you on from the sideline as you get back to the flow of kickin' ass in the corporate world. I'm sure you both deserved the quicky ;-)

Posted by: Angela at May 30, 2008 12:20 PM (DGWM7)

16 Remember your post about different lives? You began another one a few months ago when those two screaming bundles of poopy joy arrived. If memory serves, this would be life #8. Becoming a parent chnges your life in so many ways, it's not possible to count them all. Most of the changes are unexpected becuase until you're a parent you never think of them. Contrary to a prior assertion, being a parent has everything to do with anything you do. And there is nothing wrong with that.

Posted by: ~Easy at May 30, 2008 12:32 PM (IVGWz)

17 Just had to take a moment to say this was a wonderful read. I find it wonderful to hear that you are finding your way and discovering that you can do an be everything that you desire. You'll find a way to do all the things you'd like. Being a great mother, partner, friend, employee, co-worker, not mutually exclusive. Christopher

Posted by: Mr.Thomas at May 30, 2008 01:44 PM (WaUZb)

18 What an incredible woman you give us in your posts. You are the working mother... in every way. Glad it all went well.

Posted by: sue at May 30, 2008 04:21 PM (CPA3R)

19 What an amazing post. That was a pleasure to read. I will be back to read more--

Posted by: kbreints at May 30, 2008 06:40 PM (KVeJ7)

20 Incredible post. Very real and surreal at once. You described an event that many stay at homes envy and would love to get back to. And the thrill of the 'bent over the couch' comment made many of us swoon. Way to grab it all, girl! And, god bless your husband for allowing you too!

Posted by: Melissa at May 30, 2008 07:52 PM (+Wg/4)

21 Is the questions whether you're unreal or do you mean "unrealistic"? You are one of the first generation of women who "want to have it all", I'm not ( at he age of 55 ). When our baby was born, finally, I was 36, I changed my whole life and stayed at home for a while (about 2 years), while my husband was working his ass of in our company, where we had been working together before. I missed contact to "working life" already after about a month, but continued to do my very best as a mom, visited "crawl groups", baby swimming, showing the world to our little bandit, until I looked for a new job after two years and ended up as a secretary in an institute ( a nice job, but far under my universal skills ). That's the price I paid for our little familiy luck, working eight hours a day, o.k. life is expensive, but not in a position with high responsibilities. There are young women who make it,though, for example my colleage next door, the first woman professor in our institution. I hear her calling every day, talking to her two kids, who come home and eat milk and smacks and do their homework alone after school (in Germany there are still schools which are out at 2 p.m.). I see her pale face and hollow eyes (she's 40), and I know what she ist going through, especially when the kids (11 and 14)are sick or are crying or shouting at the other end of the line...It is certainly differen, if the kids go to kindergarten the whole day and later to whole-day schools. It depends how long the ride back home is and how much time of life there really is left in the evening of the working weeks. It will always be a dilemma, either being there for the kids or fulfill expectations and aims in your job. If I could chose again, I would try to work part time in an office nearby and the rest of the day at home at my PC. As for the feeling of being "reckoned", it was probably real. Your husband saw the sexy business women and probably wanted to make sure that she's all his and not an object of desire for any our man in the busiess world outside! Why don't you dress up at home sometimes? And for business maybe reduce to a black suit and flat shoes? I wish you and your husband the very best. Paula

Posted by: Paula at May 31, 2008 10:11 AM (vqgD1)

22 Is the questions whether you're unreal or do you mean "unrealistic"? You are one of the first generation of women who "want to have it all", I'm not ( at he age of 55 ). When our baby was born, finally, I was 36, I changed my whole life and stayed at home for a while (about 2 years), while my husband was working his ass of in our company, where we had been working together before. I missed contact to "working life" already after about a month, but continued to do my very best as a mom, visited "crawl groups", baby swimming, showing the world to our little bandit, until I looked for a new job after two years and ended up as a secretary in an institute ( a nice job, but far under my universal skills ). That's the price I paid for our little familiy luck, working eight hours a day, o.k. life is expensive, but not in a position with high responsibilities. There are young women who make it,though, for example my colleage next door, the first woman professor in our institution. I hear her calling every day, talking to her two kids, who come home and eat milk and smacks and do their homework alone after school (in Germany there are still schools which are out at 2 p.m.). I see her pale face and hollow eyes (she's 40), and I know what she ist going through, especially when the kids (11 and 14)are sick or are crying or shouting at the other end of the line...It is certainly differen, if the kids go to kindergarten the whole day and later to whole-day schools. It depends how long the ride back home is and how much time of life there really is left in the evening of the working weeks. It will always be a dilemma, either being there for the kids or fulfill expectations and aims in your job. If I could chose again, I would try to work part time in an office nearby and the rest of the day at home at my PC. As for the feeling of being "reckoned", it was probably real. Your husband saw the sexy business women and probably wanted to make sure that she's all his and not an object of desire for any our man in the busiess world outside! Why don't you dress up at home sometimes? And for business maybe reduce to a black suit and flat shoes? I wish you and your husband the very best. Paula

Posted by: Paula at May 31, 2008 10:12 AM (vqgD1)

23 corrections of mistakes: ..."for any other man in the business world outside!" And please delete one of my doubled comments. Thanks, Paula

Posted by: Paula at May 31, 2008 10:22 AM (vqgD1)

24 after this great posting I feel sure sales of black sheath dresses and pearls will sky rocket. Keep up your good work in both your careers. You will continue to succeed. Remember if at first you do not succeed; suck until you do succeed.

Posted by: Charles at May 31, 2008 12:28 PM (maQJG)

25 My wife has stayed home with the children since they were born. She's a social person and found other ways to not go bonkers besides working, which used to be her usual outlet: a local Mom's Club, some new friends in the neighborhood, becoming part of our local homeowners association, etc.. I think once both of our children are in school full time that my wife will likely go back to work, if for no other reason than she craves adult human interaction. Some days, our alone time after the children are in bed is the only such time she has. If you ask her, though, she will tell you that staying home with the children is its own reward. While she's away with her college classmates this weekend, I'm doing my Mister Mom duty and, nervewracking though it can be at times, I love it. I simply adore my time with the children. Sometimes, work gets in the way and I'm not home to tuck them in or read them stories and it's still okay because I know that when I finally get home, they'll come running at me and throw themselves into my arms, saying how much they've missed me. I don't know what the purpose of this comment is supposed to be; I'm rambling. But your post brought lots of thought bubbling up through my brain and I thought that I'd type them up. You know what your post made me think? That you're a mom, with all that that entails. I can picture your step quickening as you near your front door as you anticpate your hug/kiss with Angus. And then I see you checking in on Nick and Nora, giving them both soft little kisses on their foreheads as you give yourself comfort at the touch.

Posted by: physics geek at June 01, 2008 03:37 AM (SXqoC)

26 You seem like a woman I have admired for years, whose courage has inspired me and to help me make the tough choices to become a better person. You seem like the woman who never saw herself as pretty, yet would take the most stunning and raw photographs. You seem like the creative type who risks painting the walls a bright orange and collecting little treasures from your past and travels. You seem like the type who travels and captures breath-taking photographs that leave me longing for the touch of the view. You seem like all of these things because you, Helen, are all of these things. You are amazing.

Posted by: Lauren at June 01, 2008 07:51 AM (iUfJz)

27 We are the sum of many parts. I am not just an engineer, not just a wife, not just a Mom, not just a daughter... and on and on. I am many things. I put the shoes on that are required for that job. I compartmentalize. We have many faces. To me, its the best part of being a woman, the faces we are capable of wearing and the things we are capable of accomplishing.

Posted by: Bou at June 02, 2008 02:01 AM (mPTKU)

28 You sound pretty real to me. I missed my first bedtime last thursday. It felt wrong, but I had a good evening nonetheless, and since pob gets a feed at 1030 I got my cuddle when I got home. But I didn't get a quickie!

Posted by: thalia at June 02, 2008 06:32 PM (3+Gmo)

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