Right now I should be getting ready to go to Alicante. Alicante, a lovely part of Spain, in the Southern tip by the sea. Spain, land of sangria, cute kitschy things to buy, and beds where I have a lot of sex with Angus. Spain, land of paella and foods you can eat with your fingers, licking the oils off your fingertips.

Instead I am dozy in front of the pc, coming off a melatonin sleep, sipping coffee, in my warm thick bathrobe, and Angus is in Dusseldorf on business (I can't sleep without him here. It's desperate. Seeing as he's away next week too, I have asked him to provide me with a cuddly toy I can sleep with. I'm 30. I will be sleeping with a stuffed animal. I can get over myself, no problem).

Not exactly what I had pictured.

I should be heading for a long weekend in Spain, the only problem is I don't have a passport. My passport was sent snugly wrapped in about 3 pounds of paperwork, a huge chunk of payment, and my hopes and dreams for the future to the Home Office last week. My work visa is up in March, and if I don't get it renewed, I get a one-way ticket back to the States.

I have no passport.
My wings are clipped.
I am trapped.
I can't go anywhere.

A passport is a living essential for me. That blue grainy faux-leather stamped with the ominous looking gold eagle. Pages full of stamps I can hardly read, one page covered with a pink Swedish resident visa, another page covered with a yellow English working visa, and enough memories to fill a box.

I'm going to get you soon, baby. I want to whisper to my passport, locked in a cupboard somewhere. Mommy's coming for you.

The Home Office is the authority that needs all of my info. I wanted to call and say: Tell David I'm an American. A discreet one, not at all a social climber. Oh, and I like dogs. But by the time I sent all my details in David Blunkett and his seeing eye dog had left office for having sex with the wrong American.

That's what you get for not having the patience to wait it out, baby.

The website held all the supposed answers but in truth it was like every other government website. It was damn confusing. There were mountains of paperwork. I thought I would be ahead of the game if I sent all my details in January, seeing as my work visa expires March 3.

I would be wrong.

I was informed that the process is currently taking up to 13 weeks. 13 weeks! That's a fucking lifetime! You could have had kittens, watch them open their eyes, had them shred your curtains and have given them to lovely homes by that time! You could've solved world hunger (for the tiny nation of Lichtenstein, at any rate)! You could've had sex over....well....many times, anyway. 13 weeks, and for my visa type, you couldn't send your paperwork in over 5 weeks before the visa expired anyway (luckily they've over looked that one).

13 weeks. All my pay stubs. All my bank statements.

And my passport.

They have to keep my passport.

So no Alicante this weekend, and even worse-Angus, myself, Melissa and Jeff are off for a 2 week holiday the end of February. This is when they have off of school, this has been planned forever, and beisdes we have an actual reason for going...only I maybe can't go if I don't have my passport back in time. We haven't booked it yet, as where we're looking at going is very expensive, we don't want to have to cough up for my seat if I can't use it.

You can fax the Home Office with what's called an Urgent Request for Treatment, where they endeavor to send your passport back ASAP. They have no guarantees. I remain hopeful, if not very stressed out. I flit between being Pollyanna or being Beaker. One minute I can see sunshine and happiness through my blond braids, in the next my mouth purses in dismay as I watch the lab go up in flames.

I am also hopeful that my visa is renewed-if they do renew it, it's good for 4 years, after which time I can become a citizen. If they don't renew it, I have to hope Dream Job will sponsor my visa, otherwise I have to leave the country within 90 days of my visa ending. I will not be allowed to work. I will utterly fall apart.

Don't think about that, Helen. Just don't think about that.

Forms often entertain me. I know that most people hate them, but I generally find them amusing. The information people want to know! Why? What do they really use a lot of this for? If I give you my birthdate, does that mean you'll send me a card? Does it matter if I'm male or female? Will you look up my address on Streetmap to see which roads I take to the train station?

The forms I had to fill out were like this. More or less.

Form 1-the Basics

Name: Helen Adelaide
Date of birth: 1 April 1974
Gender: Female
Address: 1 Bunny Trail Lane, Whitney Houston, UK.
Company: Dream Job

Form 2-The Details

1) Did you enclose two passport size photos of yourself: Yes
Note: If we find you to be ugly, your case may be summarily dismissed. We have reached the 2005 quota on ugly immigrants. Just FYI.

2) Did you enclose your latest bank statements?: Yes
Note: If we feel you have spent too much money on Lush products, we may have to fine you £1 per bubble bar. Consider yourself warned.

3) Did you enclose your latest pay stubs? Yes
Note: If you make more money than we do, we will use your application as target practice. If you make less, you will me mocked. Mercilessly.

4) Have you had, within the past year, bacterial vaginosis?: Yes.
Note: Ooh. Hurts your chances. We like our fish with chips, missy.

5) If you are not stupid, skip to question number 545.

6) Ha! If you are reading this, then you found we don't go up to number 545. In which case you are smart and will be fined. Please continue.

7) Are you a Leo? No
Note: We don't like Leos. Several of the ladies in the office have ex-boyfriends that are Leos, so we're trying to do damage control.

Name the source of this line-Good morning, Worm Your Honor.: From Pink Floyd's The Wall.

9) If you answered Pink Floyd's The Wall you are clever and we might like you. If you answered the Spice Girls, we have a ticket home for you.

10) In fact, if you know any Spice Girls song we have a ticket home for you.

11) Have you ever swung both ways?: Yes.
Note: If you answer yes then please provide evidence. Photographic's ok although an invitation is not out of order. We're not asking for stadium seating or anything, we just need a little excitement ourselves.

12) Do you want to remain in the United Kingdom?: Yes.

13) Really?: Yes.

14) Really really?: Yes.

15) Just checking.: OK.

16) In order to be considered, you must be able to quote one Monty Python line. : Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!

17) Be advised Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! doesn't count. Everyone knows that one.: Oh.

1 Do you drink Gingerbread lattes?: Yes.
Note: Damages your chances if you answered yes. We have enough problems finding dentists as it is.

19) Whom would you go for, William or Harry?: William.
Note: William is a popular choice, so the queue is long. The official recommendation around the water cooler is to go for Harry. He seems up for it, anyway.

20) Finally, answer in your own words why you want to stay in England.: I am very happy here. I have a job, I have a great guy, and I know how to work the London Transport system with serious efficiency.

21) Really, that's your answer?: Oh. And I'm great in bed, too. Nubile and all that. Like Gumby, only I'm not green.
Note: we'll be in touch, Ms Adelaide. We'll definitely be in touch.

Wish me luck.

-H.

PS-many, many sincere thanks to my anonymous friend in Canada. I just absolutely love this movie, and now Angus and I will hopefully settle in tonight and watch it!

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:27 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
Post contains 1445 words, total size 8 kb.

1 Best of luck with the whole thing, Helen. The process was also not so much fun here in the US when we had to get my wife a green card and I remember it well, including not being able to go abroad for our honeymoon because INS had her passport. Instead, we took a mini-moon and went to Arizona. Maybe you and Angus could do something similar and go visit some obscure corner of the UK (not that you haven't been doing that already, it occurs to me). Fish with chips. Snort.

Posted by: RP at January 14, 2005 11:08 AM (X3Lfs)

2 We really enjoy tootling around the UK-we both like the coast, Wales, Scotland. The thing is, his children have had a very cold and snowy winter in Sweden and are hoping for a warm holiday (which, having lived in Sweden for a number of years, I can sympathize with). There's not a lot for them to do around here, and we really want to go away with them. If it comes to it, Angus and the kids will go somewhere that is not where we are thinking of, since it's somewhere we all really want to go to. This is one of his kids' few holiday breaks and he is really looking forward to seeing them-they usually go away in Feb. My visa renewal is just bad timing. Hopefully, my passport is back in time and I get to go, too.

Posted by: Helen at January 14, 2005 11:31 AM (uFX1z)

3 That was a rough time for us too, when Lovely Wife's passport was out of her hands. Our absolute favorite thing in the world then was walking The Falls, on the Canadian side. The parks are spectacular and the view from there is unbelievably better than the view from the American side (the massive buildup on the Canadian side makes it a poor view and really detracts from the Falls when looking from the US side). We still went to the Falls and did our best with Goat Island and Fort Niagara instead of our favorite restaurant the Red Coach Inn and the botanical gardens but it was a seriously sad feeling to be able to just look over at the places we could no longer go.

Posted by: Jim at January 14, 2005 01:35 PM (tyQ8y)

4 Speaking of forms, I am just curious as to where I might find the application for the Cuddle Toy position? Best of luck with all the visa business Helen. I am sure it will go well, after all they let you in, if they give you the boot now they are admiting they screwed up before... not likely

Posted by: Dane at January 14, 2005 01:44 PM (ncyv4)

5 Good thing they don't really post the reason for asking questions on those forms...although I don't think you were too far off on some of them. I especially liked the Spice Girls question and reason for asking it. I hope your visa goes well.

Posted by: Solomon at January 14, 2005 02:02 PM (k1sTy)

6 Vicariously living through your trials and wit. Best of luck Take Care Michael

Posted by: Michael at January 14, 2005 02:30 PM (OEVsR)

7 Remind me to never apply for a work visa in London. Oh and don't pretend like you don't know anything from the spice girls. We're the same age after all. )

Posted by: sporty at January 14, 2005 03:15 PM (NsnoE)

8 teehee, thanks for the giggle. :-) and if you're stuck for some monty python..how bout this song? "sit on my face and tell me that you love me..." tis good stuff.

Posted by: kat at January 14, 2005 04:30 PM (ejrqO)

9 LOL! Your form reminds me of when I called Amazon today (I ordered on December 28th...it's not here yet. Hello? Are you EVER shipping?) Amazon Op: "What is your order number?" Amber: *rattles off ungodly long order #* AO: "And what is the name and address you're shipping to?" Amber: *rattles off name and address* AO: "Is there another name you use?" Amber, thinking, oh right, I use my nickname on there: *rattles off nickname* AO: "Good girl! Here's a biscuit!" Amber: *chomp* "Gee, thanks!" *wags tail* AO: And what are the last five digits on your CC#?" Amber, digging out card: "Um...*rattles off last four digits, puts card back* AO, clearing throat: "Uh...I said the last FIVE, BITCH!" Amber, whimpering and scrabbling for card again: "Sorry, sorry...it's 34854!" *hangs head in shame* AO, with some severity: "Let's not have that happen again, shall we?" Amber, hanging head lower: "Er-no-no..of course not...*grovel*" AO: "And the expiration date?" Amber, digs out card again: "four-oh-seven?..I mean! Oh-Four-Oh-Seven?" *hoping I passed* AO: "GOOD GIRL!" Amber: *pants and wags* "Arf!" AO: "Now, what can we do for you?" Amber, explains problem AO: "Oh, I'm sorry...we're doing maintainance right now; you'll have to call back. *click* Well, hell's bells. That's just fucking great. At least I have it DOWN this time! I know the routine, I'll get it right the first time around! That's right! Suckers....

Posted by: Amber at January 14, 2005 05:02 PM (zQE5D)

10 I hope it goes through. I coming to London in March and it will be good to know I'm not the only Munuvian around!

Posted by: Stephen Macklin at January 14, 2005 05:48 PM (UquFN)

11 Five is right out!!

Posted by: Ms. Pants at January 14, 2005 10:09 PM (Zg+AA)

12 Don't forget to tell them that Shakespeare fortold your arrival . O for a Muse of fire, that would ascend The brightest heaven of invention, A kingdom for a stage, princes to act And monarchs to behold the swelling scene! 5 Then should the warlike Harry, like himself, Assume the port of Mars; and at his heels, Leash'd in like hounds, should famine, sword and fire Crouch for employment. But pardon, gentles all, The flat unraised spirits that have dared 10 On this unworthy scaffold to bring forth So great an object: can this cockpit hold The vasty fields of France? or may we cram Within this wooden O the very casques That did affright the air at Agincourt? 15 O, pardon! since a crooked figure may Attest in little place a million; And let us, ciphers to this great account, On your imaginary forces work. Suppose within the girdle of these walls 20 Are now confined two mighty monarchies, Whose high upreared and abutting fronts The perilous narrow ocean parts asunder: Piece out our imperfections with your thoughts; Into a thousand parts divide one man, 25 And make imaginary puissance; Think when we talk of horses, that you see them Printing their proud hoofs i' the receiving earth; For 'tis your thoughts that now must deck our kings, Carry them here and there; jumping o'er times, 30 Turning the accomplishment of many years Into an hour-glass: for the which supply, Admit me Chorus to this history; Who prologue-like your humble patience pray, Gently to hear, kindly to judge, our play. ---------------------- First line your are.. last line.. we do.. Bright Blessings...

Posted by: LarryConley at January 15, 2005 07:32 PM (kV9sc)

13 hon I know and share your life eneavours as a foreigner abroad to a certain degree and am thinking good thoughts plus a major thanks for making me giggle.

Posted by: stinkerbell at January 17, 2005 06:28 PM (m18uI)

Hide Comments | Add Comment