I always remember the film "Look Who's Talking", not just because it was a film packed full of Scientologists, but because there's a scene in the beginning where Kirstie Alley is reading a baby book that tells her that most women get the baby blues. She frowns, cocks one of those freaky eyebrows of hers, and says "Well that's not going to happen to me."

Cue the next scene, where she's in shedloads of tears and wailing that her baby must have some weird baby disease.

80% of women get the cutely named "baby blues" (only a guy could have coined that term, and likely the one who created "on the rag" and the lament "are you on your period?") on day 3 after birth.

I swore to not be in that percentage.

Who on earth was I fucking kidding?

Day 3 I was in the hospital, and it was shedloads of tears. I wasn't doing the "my babies are messed up, what's wrong with them?" bit, but I cried at the drop of a hat. I really went to town when I went toe to toe with a midwife I think of as Midwife Mussolini. More on that shortly.

I'm still really, really emotional. I'm a bit sleep-deprived it's true - since Nick and Nora were preemies, and since Nick continues to battle jaundice and we have to fight to feed him, as he's still not gotten that sucking reflex down yet, we have the world's strictest schedule. The babies must be fed every 3 hours, without fail, as otherwise Nick's energy levels start to drop. If they drop, he stops eating. If he stops eating, his jaundice gets worse. If that happens, we go back to special care. The midwives are coming to our home almost daily in order to check on him, and we chuck him in the sunlight whenever we have any to help him, but as it's a cold rainy October day there's not much of that going around.

So we're a bit tired.

I continue to be over-the-moon elated about the babies, however, and I actually look forward to getting up in the morning.

But - and there's always a but, isn't there? - I am really swinging wild on the hormones. Those films you see of new moms with crying jags and illogical behavior? Yup. Those are real.

The first thing I've noticed is I'm wildly close to Angus, and not in that "I can't live....if living is without you" kind of way. I just can't stop shooting moons and hearts and flowers at him from every pore on my face, which at some point should slow down. Until then, though, I have some kind of hero worship going on. He, in turn, is very sweet and loving, although the sleep deprivation is hitting him harder than it does me. He maybe needed those few heavily-pregnant training months that I had to get to the level of tolerance I have.

The second thing I've noticed is the babies can do no wrong. They can cry, they can poop, they can nail me with urine (both of them have done this, in fact. Good aim, those little ones.), they can not sleep, it really doesn't matter. I'm still madly in love with them. It doesn't excuse a 2 hour crying jag at 3 am, but I don't get angry with them.

Angus' brother Sam, his wife Jane, and their 5 year-old Jilly and 9 month old Jake came by on Sunday. Melissa was here as well (she loves the babies, although it's not without sensitivies) and the house was going to be full. When they showed up on the doorstep, I opened the door. I saw a smiling Jane carrying a happy Jake.

And I nearly slammed the door on them, hung garlic and crucifixes, and sold my soul to Satan.

I took one look at their 9 month old and fell apart.

He was enormous. Simply huge. Huge chunky legs, huge chunky smile, drool trail a mile long thanks to teething. It was like carrying a little person. My mind went numb at the sight of him. He's 9 months, still a baby really, but he is honestly a big baby (he wears size 12-18 months in clothes, and some of those are tight). I wanted to grab Nick and Nora and give them some kind of Peter Pan medication.

My babies won't be getting to look like that! my mind screamed. He's not normal! It's not right! My babies need to stay babies forever!

And I felt like such a bitch - Jake is a happy, charming lovely boy. I have always adored him. It's true he had a massive growth spurt in the past two months, but I couldn't comprehend that my two milky-smelling bundles would grow into that size. It doesn't seem right. My babies will stop being babies at some point, and that wounds me more than anything my own psyche could have concocted for me.

They stayed a long time, and I reached a point where I wanted everyone to go home. Everyone. Even Melissa. Melissa had been a great help, too, only having a wobble when she saw I was about to put Nora into a onesie emblazened with the word "Princess." Angus' nickname for Melissa has always been Princess. It still is.

"You have to get rid of that," she said, pouting angrily. "I'm Princess. No one is Princess but me."

I look at the onesie. It's actually one someone gave us. "It was a gift, Melissa. There is only one Princess to your Dad, I promise." She wouldn't budge though, and Princess has been relegated to use when she's not here. Besides that one event, she was good and even wanted to feed and help around the house, which I appreciated. But by Sunday evening, I wanted her to go, too. I was rapidly falling apart. I hurt all over, I wanted to stop time and keep my babies as babies, and I wanted everyone to go home and make the house quiet. "Go home and take your freakishly large child with you!" I wanted to scream. I was feeling like such a whore for even thinking that, but there you have it. I was mental.

I am such a bitch. He's a lovely boy, completely normal. I'm just used to being around premature infants that swim in newborn clothes, I have no ability to understand what size kids should be. I should be stoned by angry hordes.

I talked to Angus about my complete asshole attitude last night, about how I felt Jake was too big and how our babies needed to stay babies. I burst into tears at the telling of it, too, a complete puddly mess over my Thai yellow curry. I couldn't explain that right now, what I'm feeling is that everything is lovely (ok, I could do with more sleep. Also, the blood flow from my uterus could subside and it'd be nice if I didn't have so much cabbage in my bra I could offer up a bucket of slaw on the side, but in general everything is lovely.) If I could stop time I would, and just have the babies as warm little bundles that like to sleep on my chest.

"Ah yes," Angus nods. "That's a woman thing. I think all women go through that feeling. But the truth is, they get cuter. They get more amazing. When you can make them smile, for instance. Or the first time they tell you they love you. It just gets better."

I'll take his word for it, but for now I'm a disaster. My dad and stepmom called last night and were headed our way for a week, but I fell apart again. I started crying to Angus, for reasons I can't understand, that by the time they went home Angus' paternity leave was over, and I just want a few days of just him and I and the babies before the whole world has to go back to normal. Melissa just left. My family was arriving. He goes back to work next week then both Melissa and Jeff arrive (and Jesus that will be fraught) - him for one week, her for three. We won't be alone again for ages, and what happens if our babies have turned into 9 month old Incredible Hulk look alikes by then? Huh? Those days are gone. I was sure if I had a few days alone, the babies would stay babies for just that long.

It was more tears.

I am completely mental.

My very lovely family agreed to shorten their trip. I was relieved. I worried Freakish Baby Syndrome was going to get in through the doors before Angus went back to work, but a few days of just him and I reassured me. Then my dad called this morning - they lost a passport. They can't come. Cue huge floods of tears, massive guilt, worries I'd jinxed the whole thing with my damn hormones, and in general I feel all trembly.

I've survived pretty much everything you can throw at me in my life, and all it takes to undo me are two infants.

I'm so happy. Disturbingly easy to make cry, but happy.

And this site may be a wee bit baby-oriented for a short while. Not because I'm looking to devote my life to documenting every single moment of their lives, but because it's only been 6 days since the world went upside down, and in those days I think I've gone through enough hormones to make an entire Amazonian tribe menstruate simultaneously.

-H.

PS-as for guessing the babies' birthdate and details, the winner was Laura in Little Rock, Arkansas. She guessed October 3 at 2:00 pm. Nick and Nora were born at 15:54 and 15:56, which makes Laura's guess very, very good.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 01:02 PM | Comments (33) | Add Comment
Post contains 1660 words, total size 9 kb.

1 He's right, it really does get better. And you're perfectly normal for busting out in tears at the drop of a hat. That too shall pass. Hugs to all!

Posted by: Amanda at October 09, 2007 02:00 PM (ay+rD)

2 Oh Helen I wish I could just hug you and tell you it will all be ok b/c trust me it will. You will love each stage and will be ready for it - Angus knows of what he speaks. Take care sweetie - we are all rooting for you. Oh yeah - and WOOT I WON!!!

Posted by: Laura at October 09, 2007 02:07 PM (U1yF0)

3 You are doing so well. You've been through major surgery, have your hormones all in a twist, are operating on very little sleep, and as you said, your world turned upside down. Considering all that, you have every right to cry at the drop of a hat. You are a goddess. No a rockstar. How about a Goddess Rockstar?

Posted by: donna at October 09, 2007 02:49 PM (Kco5r)

4 Oh, Sweetie... it is all good, trust me.

Posted by: sue at October 09, 2007 02:57 PM (WbfZD)

5 With both my kids the dinner hour was crying time for about a week. When it happened with the first, it seemed normal. But it was a little freakish when it happened with the second. Every night, without fail, at around 6:00 I would burst into tears for about a half-hour. Of course there were several other times during the day this happened, but the crying dinner theater was like clockwork. Right now you are in such a honeymoon phase with the babies and Angus. I remember thinking with my first how she could grow up?-it is just not possible. She just turned 9 last week, and my baby will be 6 Sunday. I'm not going to lie-there are times when I see a picture of them and for a moment wish they could be little again, with squishy toes and chubby legs. But then my daughter runs up to me and tells me about her A+ on her geography test, or my son tells me how he caught a big bass last weekend-and I fall in love all over with them again. Angus is right-although it seems completely impossible for them to be anything but babies (and even scarier you wonder how it will feel to have toddlers, pre-teens, and *gulp* teens), you just keep falling in love with them everyday and at every new experience and milestone. I hate to be trite but it really is a lot of hormones right now. And yes, your life has really changed now and two pieces of your heart are now living and breathing outside of you. I still cry a lot easier then before I had my kids, and my sensitivity level is on ultra-sensitive. But it will pass, this feeling of "I need them to stay babies!" I promise. Angus is right though-it does seem to be a woman thing. My husband adored our babies, but it was when they began to interact and become a little bit more independent that he really got into a close relationship with them. Men seem to want that verbal and physical response; women tend to be happy with a content baby drunk with milk. Listen to him-he is a wise man. I am glad you are doing so well-you really are. From your post, it sounds like everything is the way it should be. They are perfect, and you are a kick-ass mom. Congrats Laura-that was a damn good guess!

Posted by: Teresa at October 09, 2007 03:12 PM (AnVIM)

6 Helen - Please tell me you are taking it easy. I had a c-section and felt I could run up and down the stairs and rebound quickly and ended up bedridden for a couple of days. Please take care of yourself. And as far as having guests around you are a real saint in my book, I would want to be alone for awhile with my babes. The thought of people around would seriously drive me over the edge, that is just me I guess.

Posted by: Judi at October 09, 2007 03:21 PM (W87Xx)

7 I for one will love to read about those babies everyday! Take care of yourself. Your hormones will go back to normal. It does get even more amazing - every day!

Posted by: oddybobo at October 09, 2007 03:22 PM (mZfwW)

8 You are completely normal. I cried several times a day for random reasons for the first two weeks solid. And several times in the weeks that followed. My poor husband was confused at some of the crying - I just waved it off as hormones, which is was. We laugh about it now. Welcome to the Mother Club. =)

Posted by: jen at October 09, 2007 03:22 PM (0JsTF)

9 As hard as it is to imagine right now, it does get better. SO much better. I had the "baby blues" also for about 2 weeks after having my daughter. I cried over everything. And Angus is right -- just wait until they smile at you for the first time! Your heart will melt.

Posted by: Dotty at October 09, 2007 03:25 PM (KJE2B)

10 Finally, after all the pregnancy scaryness, and the kidney problems, and the freak show that is having stepkids, you are doing something that is completely normal. This too shall pass. You'll be fine. You are not doing anything that you shouldn't be at this point, you are so normal it's funny. (Well maybe not to you yet, but it will be, promise.) Hang in, and could those babies be any cuter? I don't think so!

Posted by: donna at October 09, 2007 03:25 PM (QdU1R)

11 You have every right to come undone, darling. You've been through a LOT, even without the hormones doing the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy on your insides. That you even have it together enough to sit down for a minute and explain how you feel tells me you're doing better than you think. Hang in there!

Posted by: caltechgirl at October 09, 2007 03:51 PM (/vgMZ)

12 Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life. And welcome to it tomorrow and the next day and the next. You see how big the Mini is getting. It's something I struggle with on a daily basis. My little chunka was tiny too and I miss it. But that said, Angus is very right, they become more and more awesome every day. And by the time they start sleeping through the night, you'll be happy to have some time to yourself. I hate saying this because everyone swears it won't happen to them. It does. I'm so happy we didn't have swarms of visitors. I get that people are excited but I'm uber glad I stood by my convictions. My asshole puckered reading this.

Posted by: statia at October 09, 2007 04:09 PM (lHsKN)

13 I send you loving (and gentle) zerberts and lots of kleenex.

Posted by: Ms. Pants at October 09, 2007 04:10 PM (+p4Zf)

14 So far everything sounds par for the course. Can I make a suggestion that Nora be "Princess Jr." or maybe PJ? I don't know, something along those lines. This might help Melissa be less jealous and make her feel more connected. Since Melissa has been Princess her whole life, it's understandable that this would be an issue. Don't fret too much. There are LOTS more mistakes to be made. *lol* I also want to second what Judi said. YOU need to rest up and take care of yourself whenever you can. Don't worry about the visitors, that's Angus' job.

Posted by: ~Easy at October 09, 2007 04:12 PM (WdRDV)

15 When I came home from the hospital and was left alone for the first time - I sat on the edge of the bed examining my c-section scar and when Babylove started screaming in the bassinette (he too had a strict schedule and was jaundiced and they said horrible things to me like "failure to thrive") the first thought that crossed my mind? "What the fuck have I done?" It's perfectly normal to be ambivalent about life in general. It's the hormone storm (or lack thereof, actually). Dana said it best - your body goes from a cardboard box to the space shuttle AND BACK in less than 40 weeks. FORTY WEEKS! If the storm starts feeling overwhelming, though, I want you to call your therapist. It's all perfectly normal and yadda yadda, but we depressive personalities can slide into a really bad place if we don't watch it. The best thing is to verbalize (or write) what you're feeling. And I think that's exactly what the blog is for, yes? Having said all that: You're amzaing. You really CAN do this. The babies are fine and will NEVER be monster babies. It all REALLY WILL calm down to a status quo. And I'm here for you if you need a shoulder.

Posted by: Margi at October 09, 2007 04:48 PM (wSEpS)

16 ...they can nail me with urine Ahh, I remember that. Good times, good times. Angus is correct about what's to come. The first time my children told me-unprovoked- that they loved me rank among my top 2 or 3 days all time. Parenthood is demanding and freakishly difficult at times, but you will not regret a minute of it. You'll go to bed earlier. You'll have less free time. And once in a while your clothes will become stained and stink to high heaven, which facts you will absolutely not notice until someone mentions it to you. And it's all worth it.

Posted by: physics geek at October 09, 2007 04:50 PM (MT22W)

17 And this site may be a wee bit baby-oriented for a short while. Love ya, Helen, but...BWA-HA-HA! A short while? Oh Helen! *grins at you* I'm sorry, I can't help it. Don't you get it? Babies are DA TITS! This is IT, girl, this is bigger and greater than all the other achievements you've ever done or ever will do. Enjoy it. Write about it. Wallow in it. It's a blast of a ride and you've just started on the roller-coaster. Oh and the hero worship of Angus? Yup. Enjoy that too. OH OH OH! And before I forget, the freakishly large baby? AHAHAHAHA! I about died when I read that because I felt the very same way. LOL! HAH! Bigger babies just looked so gross when mine were tiny. I'd forgotten about that until you wrote this. /falls over laughing

Posted by: The other Amber at October 09, 2007 06:19 PM (zQE5D)

18 You sound very normal for a woman who just gave birth to twins. Angus is a wise man and it's true that it only gets better as they get older and reach milestones - smiles, babbling, the first "I love you" and the first real hugs and kisses, first steps - it's all part of the amazing never-ending cycle of life. But - it takes time for all these steps to happen, and they have a way of happening as you are ready for them. I still occasionally look at my 9 year old and wonder where the baby went, but I would not trade his smart, funny 9-year-old self for a baby again at all. It's amazing and overwhelming sometimes watching the bits of your heart walk around outside you and grow into their own independent beings, but it's also very gratifying. The hormonal rush does pass eventually, but the overwhelming love and pride you have for the children does not. It only gets better from here. Promise.

Posted by: Lisa at October 09, 2007 06:23 PM (EcHBm)

19 OK now I have to share that Amber's post right under my comment made me laugh right out loud. Still giggling, in fact. Thanks for that, Amber! Oh, and while I'm PS'ing - way to go on the guess Laura! One more thing - my husband thinks it is very cool to know that two special babies in the UK share his birthday. Now I think I'm done.

Posted by: Lisa at October 09, 2007 06:30 PM (EcHBm)

20 I am sure your readers would love nothing more than seeing and hearing all about the babies, it has been a long haul for you missy and we are all dying to hear what happens next.

Posted by: Cheryl at October 09, 2007 06:52 PM (n3lCA)

21 Being hormonal is totally normal and it will subside eventually. Don't feel guilty about your Dad's passport loss - it isn't your fault at all. I understand not wanting to share the first few weeks with other people - you and Angus need time with the babies alone. I hope you get it.

Posted by: kenju at October 09, 2007 09:52 PM (TiGru)

22 Yup, that whole "and it just keeps getting better and better" thing used to really annoy me! How could anything be better than that tiny body smelling of freshly baked goods. And now I have a 15 month old.... and you guessed it. I was thrilled to see a new post, I can't imagine how little time you have to update your friends in the computer, but its much appreciated!

Posted by: Super Sarah at October 09, 2007 11:02 PM (rRa5H)

23 Ack! Baby blues. I swore I wouldn't get them and on day 3 I bacame a sobbing hormonal mess. I think I was all hormonal until about day 10, then I felt like I could keep my head above water a little. The great thing about your babies growing up, is that it happens so gradually, you don't get time to notice it (that is until you feel compelled to go through their newborn clothes like I just have *sniff*). Good luck with your hormones. Maybe get Angus to keep you supplied with chocolate for the next week?

Posted by: Veronica at October 09, 2007 11:25 PM (dFFJQ)

24 Eventually you will get to where all mothers get - looking at the teenage person who was your little baby and wondering "where did the time go?". Every time my 17 year old daughter does something incredibly grown up I miss my baby.

Posted by: lostdawill at October 10, 2007 01:10 AM (x2NKY)

25 Oh, I had the baby blues for a while! I cried every single day ... Sleep deprivation, hormones, it really does a number on you! Enjoy every single moment with those angels. It, unfortunately, goes all too quickly. Maybe there is something about the name Jake that goes to big babies. My 6 month old, Jake is weighing in at just under 21lbs. He was 5 lbs when he was born! Enjoy your precious babies!

Posted by: Erica at October 10, 2007 01:56 AM (D6tE/)

26 *HUGE grin and some tears* I am SO happy for their arrival. I am happy for you. All these years of crossing my fingers for you... You may be emotional and overwhelmed, but it's okay. Embrace it. Love to you, Angus, and your precious babies.

Posted by: Mia at October 10, 2007 02:35 AM (qfY45)

27 A day or two after we got out of the hospital after my daughter's birth, my mom recommended I make brownies to offer the hordes of guests that would be coming over to see the baby. OH - Brownies sound SO good, I thought. And my mother said - Oh - YOU can't eat any - the caffiene will get in your breastmilk. And I TOTALLY lost it. Sobbed for hours because I couldn't have brownies. Totally irrational. So you've definitely got company in the baby blues category. Also? I've found that EVERY age my daughter has been has been my favorite. Even when she was 2 or 3 and going through the toddler tantrum stage? I had a blast. Isn't it crazy how your perspective changes when they're yours? By the way - this usually doesn't extend to other people's children. They're still annoying.

Posted by: Tracy at October 10, 2007 03:39 AM (zv3bS)

28 Ah yes, the crying at a drop of a hat thing, how I recognise it. And that feeling that they shouldn't be getting bigger? Wait til they grow out of that first set of baby gros, that nearly killed me. I hope the feeding etc gets easier, the schedule thing is really really tough.

Posted by: thalia at October 10, 2007 11:40 AM (5nbXQ)

29 Yes I remember this well. It lastted almost 9 years for me.

Posted by: Lukie at October 10, 2007 04:18 PM (WXIEq)

30 I think my baby blues hit the week before my eldest daughter headed to college.... It is fine if your blog is baby-centric right now. I blogs existed when my girls were younger so I could remember all the little details.

Posted by: Marie at October 10, 2007 07:22 PM (Afhgq)

31 You are absolutely in perfect health! It is very hard at first and then one day you'll look back and totally be in the swing of things. Either the babies will get you that way or you will get them that way! Enjoy and rest as much as you can.

Posted by: Steff at October 10, 2007 10:02 PM (a5iyR)

32 It does get better! Really! I had the baby blues...heck, I actually had postpartum anxiety for quite a while. But I got over that hump. It was really hard. And my 9-month-old is a chunker, and she's very tall. She's in 12-18 months, and is almost too tall for those. But she's great! You'll be sad when they grow, but you'll love every stage...don't worry! You are in for a very fun ride! hang on!

Posted by: Dawn at October 11, 2007 12:32 AM (8LxTj)

33 My Mom used to laugh at me. Every time she'd call I'd say, "This is my favorite age. I don't want anything to change. This is it. I love it." And then a month would pass and they'd be doing something else and I'd say it all over. ;-) I love babies.

Posted by: Bou at October 11, 2007 10:29 PM (fGpp7)

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