Way back in university I took a Feminist Culture class, or what I now think of as my Angry Crunchy-Granola Lesbian class (this is not a slur-I LOVE lesbians. I think lesbians are GREAT.) When I took this class I had to write a dissertation on the differences between men and women, and although this topic itself is so large that it would take the Library of Congress to host all the info, I narrowed it down to the layer of communication between men and women.

Or, in this case, the lack thereof.

I researched hard on this topic because I actually found it very interesting. The class in itself was quite a venting mechanism-the instructor was an anthropologist who'd earned her Ph.D. by analyzing the rubbish in a rural French village (this made no sense to me but, like a lot in anthropology, if you mix it with a small dose of magic mushrooms everything becomes clear). She was also someone for whom the correct answer to any and every question was 'Men are bad.' A decline in civilizations? Blame men. The complete lack of women in positions of power? Men are bad. Nipples are chafed? It's totally got to do with a man, I just know it.

As long as you stuck to that central theme the teacher liked you and gave you good grades. Considering I was even more damaged then than I am now, that party line was an easy one to ride-not only was I someone always looking for approval and to achieve, but I had a real man-hating streak running through me (this has luckily abated. Well, lucky for me and lucky for Angus, although somewhere there's an instructor that rummaged around in people's garbage who's maybe a bit broken up that a sister has fallen by the wayside.)

I loved writing about this subject. I loved studying this subject, and the focus I took was on the linguistic and socio-linguistic differences that men and women employ (are you so stunned that I am such an incredible geek? Isn't it obvious that the things I think are interesting* have absolutely no income potential whatsoever, other than to ask if they'd like fries with that?)

One of the crutches of my dissertation was the work of a linguist called Deborah Tannen. I used her book called You Just Don't Understand-Men and Women in Conversation.

I haven't read it since university but it was a minefield of information, and also of insight. It wasn't written from a perspective of who's right and wrong, but rather what's different. And based on reading the book, fucking everything is different between men and women from how we try to talk to how we try to think.

The fundamental issue that rides between men and women is women seek emotional support, and men seek to fix things. It makes me wonder if this has always been the case.

Cavewoman: I've been having nightmares about being eaten by a cave bear.
Caveman: It's just a dream, there are no bears.
Cavewoman: That's not the point, Cavey darling. The point is I feel really shaken up about the dream.
Caveman: Is there a bear in here? No. Do you have bite marks up and down your leg? No. No problem then.

See, Cavey, the little lady is looking for comfort. While you're trying to illustrate that the fears are baseless, it's all ok, what she wants is a hug and a hair smooth and for you to say: Ahhhhhh, my little lambkins, I love you and I'll hold you through the bad dreams. Because then we Cavewomen can whimper and we don't have to suck it up, like we do when you illustrate that the case of our angst is pointless.

I think this carries through today.

Modern woman: I have an aberrant mole. (OK, maybe most modern women wouldn't use the word 'aberrant', but it's a fun word and I wanted to work that in.)
Modern man: What did the doctor say?
Modern woman: He said it was fine, but I still worry it can change.
Modern man: Look, the doctor said it was fine. There's no issue here.

Wrong Modern Man, wrong! Modern Woman wants a watered-down version of care and concern! Modern Woman wants to know you also worry about the aberrant mole and what it could lead to, which is ultimately skin caner and potentially death! Aberrant mole could lead to you losing the love of your life, is this what you want? I didn't think so. A little concern here, Modern Man, a little concern!

I'm not tripping down that familiar path of blaming men, even though the running shoes, they still fit well. We women fuck it up all the time.

Woman: Honey, do you want to go to the garden shop and look at the new Spring arrivals?
Man: Not particularly, no.
Woman: OK then. We won't.

And then Woman proceeds to sulk and be hurt, thinking: We never do what I want to do! Man is all confused, thinking: Why is she all upset? What's going on? And this leads to Woman: He doesn't understand me. He NEVER understands me. Which leads to Man: I can never do anything right around here!

Now, if Woman had just bothered to tell Man: Honey, I would really like to go to the garden shop and look at the new Spring arrivals, and I would love it if you came with me and we can act like some nauseating hand-holding couple together, then this never would have happened. It's true man may have said: OK, but how's about a blow job first? or: OK, but can we skip the hand-holding mushy stuff? But whatever. The truth would've been out there.

It also falls down the line of how women seek human connections, while men seek status. When I say status, I don't mean that they want to be dating Eva Longoria and driving a Bentley, although perhaps a lot of men do. It's like when a friend asks if you'd like to get together on Friday. Generally, the woman's response is: Sure, just let me check with my partner. Now, if the man says: Yes to the get-together and then mentions it to his partner, he's likely to get in trouble. Why? Because she views things as a unit, whereas he wants to show that he is independent and in charge enough to make these choices.

Again, these are generally how things work. Not all relationships are like this, but there are significant patterns.

The book was, if memory serves, quite interesting-it talked about how men and women deal with conflict, how men and women behave in the workplace, and so on. Even though I guess the book is something like 15 years old now, I wonder if it has changed any in interpreting attitudes. Deborah Tannen has a new book out about the difficulties in communication between women and their mothers. I'm going to be getting it, not only because I like her work but because my own relationship with my mother is fucked up beyond repair. I'll let you know how I find that book.

I'm sure I'll be over-analyzing with that one, too.

-H.

* I am not at all being pretentious. In fact, I'm a bit embarrassed that I spent my 90's studying things like linguistics, evolution, and gender discourse instead of things that normal, interesting people did in the 90's, like play D&D, create Post-It Notes, attend raves, found a dot com company, or whatever people with a modicum of coolness did in the 90's.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:53 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
Post contains 1281 words, total size 7 kb.

1 If what Tannen says is true (and I believe it is) mr. kenju and I are classic cases. He is a fixer of the first order, so sometimes I don't tell him things that make him want to ride in on his white horse. In fact, when he gets to that point, I point my hand in the air and sing : "Here I come to save the day......." (Mighty Mouse)

Posted by: kenjukenju at May 03, 2006 12:48 PM (2+7OT)

2 Eh. As someone who played D&D in the early 90s, I can say you didn't miss a thing. "Woman: Honey, do you want to go to the garden shop and look at the new Spring arrivals? Man: Not particularly, no. Woman: OK then. We wonÂ’t." Yep. See, I'd go for the other option, which is "Why do I need to go with you? You're interested in that...I'm not. It's not like I drag you in to my online gaming world, is it? No. Because I know you don't care about it." Or something like that.

Posted by: Z. Hendirez at May 03, 2006 12:51 PM (ceOV5)

3 Kenju, when I was a kid I had such a huge crush on Mighty Mouse. I wanted to marry him when I grew up, as in a child's world, if doesn't occur to you that marrying a cartoon character might be a wee bit difficult. Funny how I've changed my perspective on mice over time.

Posted by: Helen at May 03, 2006 12:57 PM (W+8Pj)

4 good post. as damaged goods, I'm seeking reassurance quite a lot from the bf. He doesn't always get what that means or how to make it better. I may make him read this.

Posted by: trouble at May 03, 2006 12:59 PM (R1snG)

5 I had a class/teacher like that in college as well. Philosophy and Feminism (I was a philosophy major). I thought we were going to talk about women philosophers. I was wrong. I was not very favored by my teacher because I just couldn't hate men and told her so in class regularly. By the way, loved this post! I'm so making this required reading for the hubby. There's no way I'll get him to read the book so I might as well make the effort with your post

Posted by: Jadewolff at May 03, 2006 01:18 PM (cH5GO)

6 My husband always uses what he calls his "wife calculator". In all honesty I have gotten a lot better about just telling him what I want. He always ask me why it is so hard to just say what I mean. I ask why he always thinks he has to fix everything. Funny how people can just fall into certain roles. My women's studies class was a taught by a man-hater too. I remember at the end of the semester feeling so drained by all the hate and bad-mouthing, and so glad it was over. When I signed up for the class I thought it was going to be more about understanding women's role in history-instead it was a blame game, and men were the enemy. And Helen, when I was a young girl I was positive that one day I was going to be Mrs. Sylvester the Cat, and live happily ever after with our son Sylvester, Jr.

Posted by: Teresa at May 03, 2006 02:27 PM (D6zpo)

7 See, I had the opposite. I had a psychology class with a misogynist. Please tell me how a man that hates women landed a teaching position at an all women's college. It's actually quite a miracle that at four years at that school I never had a class with a man hater. Maybe there were some, but the focus was more on loving supporting your fellow women than placing blame on men.

Posted by: amy t. at May 03, 2006 03:07 PM (zPssd)

8 I am, without a doubt, a fixer. Dating Eva Longoria, I am up for that as well.

Posted by: Broken at May 03, 2006 04:52 PM (wypb3)

9 Somehow I never went through that phase.... I must be a terrible woman....

Posted by: caltechgirl at May 03, 2006 07:40 PM (/vgMZ)

10 Oy- perhaps one of the few interesting pragmaticians, and I didn't read her enough. From what I got out of what I did read, women put much more emphasis on meta-messages. Totally wanna read that book though- and in case it isn't said enough, le blog is fabulous.

Posted by: Robert at May 04, 2006 01:42 AM (Ffvoi)

11 please don't shoot me for asking this, but have you ever read the mars/venus book? i haven't, but i've been told it is a good read for discussing communication differences between men and women. i'm curious now to know if it coincides or even draws from the book you mention here, or if it contradicts it. it'd be an interesting look at how communication might have changed over just a few short years. great read. thanks!

Posted by: mac at May 04, 2006 10:48 PM (bP6eR)

12 Absolutely fascinating! The thing is, I mostly talk to men. The only woman I really know is my mom - how sad is that? So those men? I deal with them all day long. Sometimes some insights are welcome. Thanks for an interesting post, I think I'll look up the book you mentioned.

Posted by: Hannah at May 05, 2006 07:41 AM (5w+E2)

13 Helen, you write so beautifully. This is a great post - you ought to submit it to some magazines. I think it is very cool that you studied such interesting stuff at university. I would love to go back and spend a few years studying now that I'm an old fart. But have to pay the bills and all! My husband is always, always, always trying to fix things. I am finally learning to say, Sweetie, I'm going to the garden shop, you can come with me if you like. Nine times out of ten, he comes with me. I also learned that he hates it when I change my mind. I have a bad habit of saying, Let's go to Outback for dinner. He always says yes. Then I think, maybe he really wants to go somewhere else and as we are getting ready to leave the house, I'll say, we could go to habenaro's if you would rather. I worry too much about doing what he would like to do - at age 53, I am learning that if he doesn't want to do what I suggested, he doesn't have to do it and he can speak up. Makes for a better relationship. I'm not totally sure a man can step out of the knight in shining armour mold!

Posted by: Beth Donovan at May 06, 2006 11:20 AM (9FPYz)

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