Right now my intestines are panting. Seriously. I have them pictured as looking like Paul Sorvino, dressed in gauche velour sweatpants and wearing a headband, panting and bracing himself against a light pole. In his choppy New York accent he pants: I'm working out muscles I never knew I had! I tell ya! It's all I can do to not think about meatballs and salami!

Because that's what my intestines are like right now. They're like a meat-eating Italian New Yorker that hasn't worked out since the goldfish in his platform shoes died.

So yes-we can say that the bowel prep was successful. My bowel, she is prepped. She is so clean that....well, I can't really use that analogy of "so clean you can eat off it" as...ew...but so clean that I am down 3 kg in weight, anyway. There was quite a bit of mad dashing to the toilet last night, including episodes where felines flew out of the path as I shouted: Move! Move! FUCKING MOVE! and clenched the butt cheeks together. I even wore knickers to bed as I couldn't help but worry that the medicine would completely wipe out sphincter control, and if I had an accident in the bed, we're talking years of therapy ahead. I know Angus wouldn't hold it against me, but if there had been leakage I would have had to set fire to another area of the house, so that when Angus evacuated he would never ever learn that I had already had my own version of evacuation.

And the advice to just hole up in the toilet was great, because me and the new Anita Shreve I can't seem to get in to spent a lot of time with a lit candle and silent prayers that please, please let the damn thing be empty already (I am probably not into the new Shreve as there's a new Tan and a new Maguire out there. I feel like I am cheating on them. Amy! Greggy! I love you, I would never leave you for bog standard formulaic woman's fiction! Come back!)

So I sit here in my stocking cap that Stinkerbell knitted for me (why am I sitting indoors wearing a stocking cap? Who knows, really.) My appointment is in a few hours, and I am prepared to ask for extra sedative, because, a la Kirstie Alley, "I hurt much more than all those other women", because I am a big chicken when it comes to having a beam focussed straight on my ass, and because I am petrified of probage, because I am still emptying my intestines this morning and I would rather not be awake if there is leakage on the table. Shame can be avoided if one is not conscious!

I am also hoping that all the people in the room are either gay males or females with old crusty fannies, as I worry that attractive heterosexual male nurses could be looking up my ass thinking: Dude, look at the mucus. It's like someone blew their nose up there or something. And that, my friends, is not conducive to the healing process!

So it goes. I think I will take a bath now. I will remove said stocking cap while doing so, but I will quickly replace it. It will be nice to smell of Lush bubbles, as really, who wants to smell like Paul Sorvino's jogging clothes?

-H.

PS-actually, I like Paul Sorvino.
PPS-but I can do without the meatballs and salami.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:54 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
Post contains 595 words, total size 4 kb.

1 thinking warm fuzzy and drugged out thoughts for you!! and hope that you have a nice package waiting for you after your return from the "Beam Me Up Scotty" adventure.

Posted by: stinkerbell at November 09, 2005 11:53 AM (ZznPv)

2 Best of luck to you, Helen! Enjoy your bath and your stocking cap. As to why you're wearing it in the house? It's amazing what can bring us comfort sometimes, isn't it?

Posted by: scorpy at November 09, 2005 01:28 PM (a+aDa)

3 What does one really say to someone that is about to have a scope up their bum? Relax? Good luck? Hang in there? I am going to so try and not think about it today, as I fear I might be next in line! Yeash. I guess hope all comes out well is kind of out of the question too, I think you covered that one already.

Posted by: justme at November 09, 2005 03:08 PM (TQ6+X)

4 What wonderful breakfast reading this is! While my bowels are not as active as yours, I've had a bug the last few days that has really been cleaning me out as well. However, I'm on crutches and the bathroom is on the 2nd floor while the Tivo is on the 1st. I've really been re-evaluating my priorities, let me tell you!

Posted by: ~Easy at November 09, 2005 03:28 PM (LN5gS)

5 Helen, you never need a reason to wear a handknitted stocking cap indoors, but if there ever was one, you got it. Hope the hat, Lush, and drugs do their job-I'm pulliing for ya. And why do cats always seem to be right where they should not when a person is running to the bathroom? Every damn time!

Posted by: Teresa at November 09, 2005 04:37 PM (zf0DB)

6 I hope it went well and that you were drugged out of your mind. Here's hoping for good news post exam

Posted by: caltechgirl at November 09, 2005 05:08 PM (uI/79)

7 Some day, I'll relate the story of the DROP DEAD GORGEOUS urologist I had to go see. Mortification doesn't begin to describe it. I love you, I'm thinking of you, I (like everyone else) am sending you warm and loving thoughts and hope it's over quickly and you're so drugged up you don't care.

Posted by: Margi at November 09, 2005 05:36 PM (nwEQH)

8 Glad you're so.... clean? At least that part is done. Here's hoping they drug you and you wake to a lovely Angus smile and good news and it will be a turning point.

Posted by: sue at November 09, 2005 07:19 PM (WbfZD)

9 Sending you loads of positive energy ~~~~ and hoping they have FANTASTIC drugs for you! HUGS!

Posted by: flikka at November 09, 2005 09:33 PM (puvdD)

10 Sorry you couldn't get into the new Shreve while in the loo. Maybe when you have less pressing matters at hand you will pick it up again. I am laughing at Stinkerbell's comment; thinking it will be a "Beam UP me Scotty" adventure instead. Hope all goes well and the report is harmless.

Posted by: kenju at November 09, 2005 10:38 PM (+AT7Y)

11 as for words how About Here's looking at you kid .... ?

Posted by: Mike Thees at November 09, 2005 11:59 PM (2oVHZ)

12 I hope it went ok! On a side note this post had me laughing out loud! You should do stand up or comedy writing! Sweaty Paul Sorvino? Goldfish in platform shoes? - Classic!

Posted by: Lee at November 10, 2005 12:20 AM (PYZOC)

13 How about an update? I'm been thinking about your posterior all night! (wink, wink)

Posted by: Jim at November 10, 2005 11:02 AM (oqu5j)

14 There was quite a bit of mad dashing to the toilet last night, including episodes where felines flew out of the path as I shouted: Move! Move! FUCKING MOVE! and clenched the butt cheeks together. that sounds just like me the other night, except mine was caused by a lovely kidney infection. who know that kidney infections caused vomiting and diarrhea and forgot to tell me? it's a good thing our cats aren't allowed in the bedroom at night or they may have become kitty pancakes. I wasn't stopping for anyone that was in my way.

Posted by: girl at November 10, 2005 06:08 PM (MqAGl)

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