If you've ever opened the oven door while baking a cake to check and see if it was just spongy enough, if it was just brown enough, and you got hit with a heat wave so painfully searing that you naturally tanned your eyeballs, then you know how hot it feels in Egypt.

Seriously.

"So fucking hot" doesn't begin to describe it.

Of course, it could be said that we would have known about this aspect of it as soon as we signed up for a trip to the Sinai Peninsula. In August. With our "I've been stuck inside all goddamn winter" English-affected skin.

Sharm El-Sheik isn't even an ancient town, per se. It was created by the Israelis in the 60's when they invaded, and when they discovered that Sharm, as it's known, enjoyed over 300 days of sunshine a year and bordered one of the world's greatest reefs (Ras Mohammed National Park), they made it a resort town. It's still one today, even if there appears to be no trace of Israeli occupation any longer.

We flew to Sharm late last Sunday, and the flight was a bit long (5 hours in a charter plane, which means that the leg room, she be too little) but we had the row to ourselves and we'd brought a picnic (again, charter flights? You want it, you pay for it.) We'd packed a number of miniature wine bottles to consume and Angus had made us sandwiches that I have now coined "Angus Sandwiches", and they were so good I have been craving them for a week now (Emmenthal, light mayo, tomatoes, cucumber, and soy chicken on a baguette. God I think I just came thinking about it.)

We landed, grabbed our suitcases out of the many revolving bags of diving gear on the baggage belt, and headed to our transfer to our hotel. I have dive gear in storage in Sweden, but I really don't see the point-why carry all that kit all the time, when local dive shops have all you need? That, and one of the things I hate about diving is that divers tend to faff about with their kit too much. Just get your shit on, get in the water, and let's go. So to that end, we brought only our own masks and snorkels, the rest we would leave up to the dive college.

Our hotel was the Sheraton, and it wasn't anything special. It was clean, the AC worked, and the refrigerator nearly worked. The shower alternated between freezing cold and "person a la flambe", but the stress and depression began to melt away a bit and, it being us, we had a good shag and then passed out.

The next morning we had to get up early, as would be the case the rest of the holiday. Dive boats get going early in the morning, and we had to be out the door by 7:45, having devoured breakfast and then catching a transfer to our dive college. We'd done a lot of research, and decided that Red Sea Diving College was the best option, and as such I'd booked a PADI Advanced course and Angus had booked a PADI Open Water course.

I was stunned to see Sharm El-Sheik in the daytime. It is quite literally a desert. Seriously. The only green is inspired by hotels and resorts, but otherwise, it's a desert. It is bordered by an enormous craggy desert mountain range, all thrilling and terrifying at the same time. I remember flying over Russia and former Soviet countries once, and I looked down out of the plane and saw an enormous desert that went on as far as the eye could see-I was terrified, as I have an innate fear of deserts. There is something about them that makes me think: Yup, you're going to die in one of those that makes me avoid them. Add on the the fact that a great portion of the Sharm desert is still mined from the previous occupation, and it's a real no-go area.

Only I wanted to go. Badly. I don't know why. I only know that every chance I got, I stared at those mountains in wonder.

Oh, and see those blue and white cars? Yeah, those are taxis. The taxi drivers drive them like kamikazees, whizzing their way down the streets. There are no traffic rules in Sharm. A 2-lane road? Obviously room for three cars then. A pedestrian crossing the road? Target practice, baby. Target practice.

Our driver took us to the diving college every morning, and in the mornings he would play what we think was a reading of the Koran. Since the only Arabic I know is the word "Imshee" (go away), I had no idea what was being said, but I do have to say this-it sounded beautiful and melodic. It was relaxing, those mornings, looking at and fearing the desert mountains, and being lulled by the reading.

At the dive college, we got seperated-Angus with a classroom and a boat and I on another boat, as our courses were different. We wouldn't get to spend the days together until Friday and Saturday, when Angus had passed his Open Water and was taking his Advanced and I had passed my Advanced and was taking my Specialty courses (I have decided to work my way over time to being a PADI Master Scuba Diver. We all have goals, right?)

So my days were thus-get on boat. Make sure my kit was there. Make sure my 15 Liter bottles for my enormous fuck-off lungs were there (even with more air, I remained the first person to run out of air everytime. Every fucking time.) Then I'd settle in and relax while the boat took a load of divers to various sites, often sitting in the very front prow of the boat to avoid the seasickness and to just stare at the water. We'd dive in (me the only one without a wet suit, but come on-the water was 28 degrees C, it wasn't remotely cold), get out, do surface decompress time, then repeate the dives twice more.

My days were spent on boats like these.

But my God was the sea incredible.

This is from Tiran, which is an area of reefs, pockmarked by wrecks by drivers that get lost in the night.

I guess I know that feeling.

We would trip back to the dive center where I'd meet Angus every night, full of images of morays, blue spotted lagoon rays, fish the color of rainbows, fan corals bigger than our bedroom and my beloved zebra fish. The Red Sea is everything they say it is-it's just as beautiful as the colors in my dreams, and just as warm and inviting as the softest down of any bed.

I'm not sure what one would do in Sharm if you didn't dive. Apparently, only 4% of the people who go to Sharm El-Sheik are divers. That leaves 96% whose only options are to sit by the pool and drink. That's ok and all, but being outside is like playing baseball on the sun it's so fucking hot. I would've gone out of my mind being there if I didn't dive. As it was, every single day we went diving, and even though we're not big dive-obsessed people, we really enjoyed it.

Sharm is the only place in Egypt where a woman is allowed to wear a bathing suit in public. In fact, it's so "Westernized" that shorts, skirts, and tank tops are allowed. The blend and mix of cultures and religions is amazing-even amongst the Egyptians, you'd see a woman in a bikini and a cover-up walking past a woman in a full head-to-toe, face-covering burqua. The only thing that's forbidden is topless sunbathing, which a lot of tourists did anyway, and it really pissed me off as we are on their truf and we therefore should follow Sharm's guidelines. I thought Sharm was amazing, albeit a little behind in the times, as witnessed in this 7-Up I got.

Um...hello? Didn't pull tabs go out in the 70's?

We'd often go into Sharm for dinner, risking our lives in one of those taxis. We passed the Movenpick, where one of the bombs went off, and it's laregely rebuilt now, and the ideal location for if/when we come back. All of the hotels and most of the restaurants have high security-metal detectors, mirrors to check under the cars, barricades so cars can't get through. Egypt is making sure that people are safe. In Sharm, we'd eat Egyptian meals, Lebanese, Mexican (!), and one night, we confess, we wanted an "ordinary" meal so we bunged off to Hard Rock.

We thought it wouldn't happen to us. We thought we could be immune. But lo and behold, yes, we both got the Pharoahs Revenge.

Being an IBS sufferer and just a poo-sensitive chick anyway, I suffered from my usual traveller's nightmare of constipation. I can never poo in foreign places. My sphincter seems to slam shut once a plane takes off, and then that's it. I'm packing. So there we were in Sharm, and I was sealed tight, but the knowledge that all my time was spent on dive boats made me unwilling to take matters into my own hands and suck down a grove of prunes.

Then Angus got hit with the runs.

And the next day, walking to the hotel, I realized I had better run to the hotel.

The seal was thus broken most dramatically in the hotel toilet.

I took some Immodium after that, and the Immodium? She has put a block on my intestines the size of Ben Affleck's ego. Ain't nothing coming out of me now, and now that I'm home, the Sunsweet prunes will be dipped into. But the diarrhea in Sharm was so bad I had to go to an Egyptian pharmacy and buy some anti-spasmodics for my stomach it hurt so bad. I'm sure it's something that in England requires a prescription, but still. Did the job.

As for the two of us, it was much hand-holding and sex. Getting back to good, in some ways. And we both maybe needed the together time, the "let's just get away" time. We slept like babies every night, never once suffering from our usual insomnia problems. The heat affected our appetites and our inclination for a glass of wine, so that we were perhaps healthier than we ever are.

When I slept, the bed rocked, as though I was still on the boat.

Finally on Friday, we got to be on the boat together.

That day, I saw my first enormous sea turtle with Angus. The next day in Ras Mohammed, we saw the second. We took a load of underwater photos, which we are going to get developed and maybe I can scan some of those to show, however my photography has never been very good.

I got to wear my vintage sunglasses as well. I love these things, I even wear them outside to hang the laundry up (Whitney Houston, get used to it, and go ahead and embroider that straight jacket for me, m'kay?). I found them online and have just adored them since, as I feel they look very Jackie O.

Only in my case, maybe it's less "Jackie O", more "Willy Wonka".

So we came home last night, suntanned, calmer, happier maybe. The holiday is over but I can't recall when two people have ever more needed a holiday. Today is a day off in England, and the sun is shining, my cats are lovely, and the pile of dirty clothes makes me want to weep.

And as for Sharm, I will be back.

Even if it's to meet this little guy.

Yes, it is what you think it is. A white-tipped reef shark. Dangerous.

Dangerous...but very very sexy.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:07 AM | Comments (20) | Add Comment
Post contains 2015 words, total size 12 kb.

1 That sounds like a trip I could get into. And the glasses? Definitely Jackie-O. Willy Wonka never had legs like that. Hmmm...then again, I'm thinking Gene Wilder. Johnny Depp may have a decent pair of gams. Nah. Even if he has sexy legs he wouldn't have the tan lines to go with it.

Posted by: Jim at August 29, 2005 11:00 AM (oqu5j)

2 So glad you had a lovely vacation...After my divorce is over, I think I am going to take a trip......oh, wait...this ride I am on IS a trip...just not the one I want to be on...

Posted by: mitzi at August 29, 2005 12:27 PM (WUm8R)

3 That water is so blue! It looks beautiful. Myself, I'd have been happy to sit on the beach or by the pool with a drink in hand. And WTF is the deal with the pull tabs??? I had no idea those still existed anywhere! I wonder if it's just the 2nd hand manufacturing equipment? Anyway. It looks like you had a great time. Hopefully your batteries are recharged for battle!

Posted by: ~Easy at August 29, 2005 12:43 PM (hFWeN)

4 Glad your back...have been under an emotional crisis of my own...but you cheer me up. LOL at the 7-UP and glad you had a good holiday!

Posted by: Juls at August 29, 2005 12:49 PM (gdySU)

5 Like I said Sinai gorgeous, Dahab 1000 times better than Sharm though Isnt the blue just the most amazing thing and the walking along the beach line and seeing schools of fish go through your toes in less than two inches of water... God I want to go again, thank all fuck that the French are FINALLY processing my papers and I can go on a REAL vacation out of the country, well once I recover the charges they imposed on me for it. Almost as much of a blood letting as the Pharoahs Revenge...

Posted by: stinkerbell at August 29, 2005 12:52 PM (ZznPv)

6 Leaning towards Willy Wonka this time. lol Wheres the next vacation?

Posted by: drew at August 29, 2005 01:18 PM (CBlhQ)

7 Welcome back! And by the way, I sort of thought that list pic might have been of a dolphin at first. Good thing I wasn't in the water!

Posted by: RP at August 29, 2005 02:51 PM (LlPKh)

8 Ah, I'm so glad you two had such a wonderful time... other than how jealous I am that you got to go there, that is.

Posted by: amber at August 29, 2005 02:55 PM (VZEhb)

9 Did the taxi drivers turn their headlights on at night? Gordon told me he won't take cabs in Cairo at night because of that. Just wondering... Glad you had a great time. You deserved it.

Posted by: amy t. at August 29, 2005 04:01 PM (zPssd)

10 What beautiful pics! Glad you got to spend some quality time together... that's the best.

Posted by: sue at August 29, 2005 06:14 PM (WbfZD)

11 Welcome home! It sounds like you had the time you needed.

Posted by: Tif at August 29, 2005 06:40 PM (jCFyL)

12 I'm going to go with Jim on this one. Jackie-O all the way. Willy Wonka is all pasty and not nearly as golden lovely as you. Lovely, lovely vacay report. I'm so very glad you had that time together. ;o)

Posted by: Margi at August 29, 2005 06:46 PM (nwEQH)

13 Helen, welcome back! We have all missed you posts. Too bad about the flip-flop from C to D; my IBS performs the same way. Buy some Metamucil and you will be "right as rain" before long.

Posted by: kenju at August 29, 2005 07:27 PM (+AT7Y)

14 I'm so glad to hear you had such a relaxing time. It sounds like you needed it. And that friend you want to go back and meet? I thought he was a dolphin at first. I'd go back to meet a dolphin. A shark? Probably not so much. Sounds like a wonderful time, and I'm happy for you and envious of you, all that the same time.

Posted by: scorpy at August 29, 2005 07:49 PM (8osyd)

15 what an exotic getaway. and you look so tanned and gorgeous! i'm glad the two of you got away for a bit. xoxoxo

Posted by: kat at August 29, 2005 08:01 PM (xJGrF)

16 Glad you're back! What beautiful pics! WOW! Envious of your trip, sphincter problems and all. Btw, I have the very same issues you do while traveling. Take an act of God to get anything to happen, no matter how long we're on the trip. Huh. Thought I was the only one...heh

Posted by: Amber at August 29, 2005 08:27 PM (zQE5D)

17 glad you're back. Looks like it did you a world of good

Posted by: caltechgirl at August 31, 2005 01:07 AM (x+FF1)

18 Just think how nice Sharm al Sheik would be if the Israeli's still owned it. I feek sad for you having to go there under Egyptian rule. What to me is more amazing is that you picked that as a vacation spot. (Sentence removed by blog owner due to naughty content). Why put money in their pocket when Phuket needs it? After having been to Israel, all arab countries fade in comaprison. (Sentence removed by blog owner, who doesn't like a single negative sentence against any ethnic group on her blog of any kind. I like you, Skippy, but my site is home to any and every ethnic group or religion. I respect your opinion, but I don't allow blanket negative comments on my site regarding certain groups.)

Posted by: Skippy-san at August 31, 2005 01:18 PM (m305R)

19 Glad you are back. I missed you. Love your Willy Wonka glasses.

Posted by: Marie at August 31, 2005 05:32 PM (PQxWr)

20 You look great and also look like you were having a wonderful time.... I love the pictures!

Posted by: Hannah at September 03, 2005 01:49 PM (ImQx2)

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