As I sit here drinking coffee and battling a major headache, I realize it's that time again. Although I think I can get by it every month, I think I can escape the onslaught, the despair, the pain, I never do. It's as though I am beating my head against the wall, realizing with fruitless horror that I can't escape this, no matter what I do. I want to bury my head in my hands and cry, I want someone to help me fight my invisible demons, but I am alone in this.

But I cannot fight this alone anymore.

It's time to face and accept it.

I have PMS.

Men seem to pooh pooh the idea of pre-menstrual syndrome, or PMS (strategically called PMT here in England, which means "pre-menstrual tension". We're not tense! We're fucking overloaded with progesterone! There's no tension here, it's purely chemical, and not in the space cake kind of way. Calling PMS by any other name is a mistake. Women! We must stick together! We must unite in our acronyms, don't give them a reason to divide us!) but I am here to say-it is real.

No, seriously. It is real.

PMS didn't use to affect me. When I was in my teens and early twenties (when the blood output of a period was equivalent to a sneeze), I was hapy-go-lucky as PMS passed me by. Now that the blood flow is equivalent to a fireman's hose, PMS takes me and bitchslaps me once a month. And that bitchslapping hurts. They say that PMS largely affects women in their twenties and thirties, so good news! 9 more years of this for me!

It's bad enough that the Period Fairy has to come at all (are you here again? Didn't I just see you 24 days ago? Didn't you stay for 5 days? And I'm not even going to mention that khaki skirt episode either!). I have to have PMS as well. Amazingly, the Period Fairy is the good part, the relief after the PMS. I could laugh and dance for joy when the period arrives as it brings with it my sanity, only I'm too busy stuffing a bichon frise up my hoo hoo and downing extra strength ibuprofen.

Now men. Sit down. Listen. This is the most important thing you can take away from this-We are not making PMS up. It is not a figment of our imagination, it is not us trying to sneak a cranky mood by you. We don't enjoy having a four day hall pass to take apart your dignity bit by bit. This isn't fun for us either.

First off, many of us have the Breast Swelling. Now while this may fulfill any juvenile fantasties men may have that suddenly we'll turn up in a French maid's outfit with Anna Nicole's rack and Pamela Anderson's desire to drop to our knees to please you, I'll have to set the record straight. We have the Breast Swelling, but they swell up with rocks, not soft Play-Doh like silicone. Our breasts are more suited for geologists and the Seven Dwarves mining operation than your hands playing Radio Tokyo on them. We feel these rocks with every move we make, as though the pointy flint edges are just aching to pop out of our mammaries. Touch the breasts and you may die.

Next up, acne. Now, my teenage years were fraught with taunts and horrors but one thing I escaped was the bad skin. I have never had a problem with zits, ever...until PMS! Then, suddenly, I am back to longing for Rebecca Grayheart's skin on the Clearasil commercials. I am nearly 32 years old but once a month I get at least two quite visible pimples, pimples that not even my Lancome Spackle can cover up. Do I want to pop those bad boys? Do I ever. Have they sunken down all the way to the muscle in my face when it's PMS time? Do I have to answer that?

Then we move on to mood swings. Do I love you? Yes. Do I hate you? Probably. Do I hate absolutely everyone and everything everywhere ever? Yes. Do I cry at dog food commercials? You betcha. Do I love you more than anything in the whole world ever for Christ's sake stop asking me so many questions I don't know the answer to and I never want to live without you, complete with singing birds and fairies and don't even ask me where the remote is I hate the whole world and I have a voodoo doll to prove it forever and ever? Yeah. D, all of the above.

It's honestly that bad.

That's not even including the headaches we get, the screwed up sleep patterns, the constipation so severe that Stalin would have approved of it, and the food cravings. Oh, the food cravings! I become a carbohydrate addict. I want toast, covered with cereal, a baked potato, and pasta. With cheese, of course. And once I escape the carbo phase, I head straight into salt territory, which is a strange part of the month as I hate salt, I never use the stuff. I want my toast cereal potato pasta cheese concoction covered with extra salty popcorn. I can't stand it.

But the worst part of PMS has to be the bloating. It's as though our bodies are mocking us that we aren't pregnant, so it swells us up enough to be so. The fat clothes get pulled out the days before the period, the extra space in the waistband, the beach ball like protrusion getting covered up. You could take a saftey pin and try to pop us, but all that would come out would be a river of progesterone and some partially digested toast. This is the K-Mart nylon knickers time of the month, when you need coverage that Gilligan could have used as a replacement sail for the Minnow.

According to this site, there are over 150 symptoms of PMS, and at any given time I guess most of us will have about 149 of them.

They say that there are herbal remedies to PMS. That you can take Primrose Oil, drink chasteberry tea, and up your calcium dosage. Well, I'm here to tell you-they're all a bunch of hippie love child liars. I have eaten whole gardens of primroses, I have drank so much tea I'm an honorary Englishwoman, did it help? Do I look like a happy camper? I don't want to even hear about herbal remedies anymore, the only thing I want to help cure the PMS is something that I have to get a prescription for, and something that when I go to pick up the prescription I have to show ID for and sign national drug safety documents.

PMS is real. Ask any woman. If I committed a murder while having PMS, the only trial jury of my peers would be a cast of 12 women with rock-hard PMS breasts. And of course they would let me off right away, not only would all I have to say is "I had PMS" with a shrug, but once I said that they'd start shouting at the judge to stop wasting their goddamn time, the hard chairs are uncomfortable on their bloated butts, of course I'm not guilty, and does the judge know where they can get any toast?

You don't like us during PMS time? Well, we don't like us either. For myself, I'd trade places with a man during that time anyday, and even allow myself to get racked in the balls by a ballerina wearing toe shoes once a day while the guy suffers my PMS, purely out of gratitude.

Now if you'll excuse me, I just saw a car insurance commercial that's made me all weepy and I have to go buy bread.

Lots of it.

-H.

PS-I have added blogads to my site, so if anyone wants to advertise, just click the link of the left and have at it!

PPS-The flickr experiment is ongoing and I am still trying to get the hang of it, but it's still on the left sidebar.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 10:16 AM | Comments (27) | Add Comment
Post contains 1396 words, total size 7 kb.

1 then what's a guy to do when his partner is having pms?

Posted by: shin at January 05, 2006 11:37 AM (KklwA)

2 Be very kind and loving and supportive. And forgiving. Very forgiving (think "Christ-like", then add a touch more benevolence). We know we are not being nice, but we absolutely can't help it. As long as you through bread at us, we'll be ok.

Posted by: Helen at January 05, 2006 11:55 AM (ApFKI)

3 See, THIS is what the damn health textbooks ought to have in it. Not the namby-pamby medical definition--this one.

Posted by: Z. Hendirez at January 05, 2006 11:59 AM (wvfKW)

4 The worst part for me is that I just can't seem to keep track of the month and always wonder why I'm so down and so depressed and so craving salt and chocolate and only manage to remember when I start bleeding ... I obviously need to get better at maintaining some sort of calendar.

Posted by: martha at January 05, 2006 12:22 PM (LD83r)

5 The worst part for me is the fact that I have irregular cycles, so it creeps up on me and slaps me upside the head when I'm not expecting it. Bread. Toast. French Toast. Stuffed French Toast. Damn, I'm hungry. Ok, I need to make a grocery run now.

Posted by: amber at January 05, 2006 02:58 PM (VZEhb)

6 Amen and amen, sister. PMS=EVIL.

Posted by: Sara at January 05, 2006 02:58 PM (lvhnO)

7 May I add my amen as well? When I had only had my period for less than 2 years I was put on a prescription to deal with this. It turns out that my PMS rage was so great that I chased my little brother around the house with a butcher's knife. Fortunately, he outran me and a glimmer of sanity peered through before blood was spilled. Mom took me to the Ob/gyn and told her I needed something to calm me down. The very nice lady wrote the prescription saying it would help me deal with the pain. At which point mom said "I don't care about her pain. She needs something to deal with the fact that she becomes a major bitch once a month." The Dr said the pills would take care of that too. So, for a number of years, as I felt the red tide approach I would take a pill....and find myself floating through the loveliest of out of body experiences. By the time I was 17 I stopped taking them. Not only was I less dangerous, my bodily reaction to the prescription no longer left me capable of interaction with the outside world. Now that I'm 37 I'm greatly anticipating the immminent arrival of menopause. With fingers crossed, I hope I inherit my family's predisposition to getting through that last great hurdle before I'm 50. Woo Hoo!

Posted by: KG at January 05, 2006 03:24 PM (rTkGL)

8 Helen, this is so funny, and I remember it well. But you make me so happy that I went throught the change years ago!

Posted by: kenju at January 05, 2006 03:25 PM (xO1SY)

9 OMG! So funny and so very true! I was talking to a girlfriend of mine about this just yesterday and as much as I am thankful that it is not just *me* losing my mind once a month -- it's a bit scary none the less. And I am discovering that as I get older (I'm 35 now) the symptoms gradually get worse. The friend that I talked to yesterday has finally resorted to taking prescription meds. At this point that may be my next step as well! (I'm sure my family would appreciate it!) Thanks for the great post. I needed that laugh today....

Posted by: Richmond at January 05, 2006 03:43 PM (e8QFP)

10 This was a post that had me laughing out loud at my desk, but mind you I wasn't laughing AT you. Never that! I NEVER had PMS when I was growing up, but now that I'm 31 I do have it. Although, I have to say something that does at least help the cramps before the red tide comes is to layoff sugar and dairy. It doesn't do much for the other symptoms, but at least the cramps aren't as bad. I just thought I'd offer that suggestion.

Posted by: Tif at January 05, 2006 04:33 PM (jCFyL)

11 That, my dear, was run-on-olicious. I loved it. I'm a chocolate person with PMS these days, and of course cheese. And I'm glad I'm not the only one that wants a mashed potato, pasta and cheese sandwich. Add chips to that as well, and fries.

Posted by: statia at January 05, 2006 04:54 PM (NsnoE)

12 I was going to say try going on Seasonale, a birth control designed so that you only have your period every 3 months. It's truly a wonderful thing. But then I remembered you're doing IVF treatments so perhaps that wouldn't be good at this point in time!

Posted by: amber/gemtaur80 at January 05, 2006 05:02 PM (Sn5k/)

13 In other news: the non-Flikr sidebar picture of you is ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS, sweetie! *kiss* :: leaves pile of Ghirardelli and runs ::

Posted by: Margi at January 05, 2006 05:16 PM (nwEQH)

14 Oh my god!! I thought I was the only one crying during dogfood commercials! This is, bar none, the best explanation of the horrid experience we go through every month. But, I have to say, calcium (w/vitamin D)does help. It helps me a LOT anyway. I take 1000 mg a day during that time (which can last 3 weeks or 3 days, cruelly, I never know until it happens.) The soft chocolate chewy calciums taken with food are not bad.

Posted by: Ms. Q at January 05, 2006 05:19 PM (WUM14)

15 Shin: Stay out of the way!

Posted by: CanuckFlash at January 05, 2006 05:43 PM (SVlYg)

16 So right on. No zits when I was a teen, but at 32 and during pms I am ready to wear a bag over my head. And the mood swings-horrible. I can't even believe some of the things that come out of my own mouth. After watching my grandma and my mom, I am not looking too forward to 'the change' either. At least I know I am not alone!

Posted by: Teresa at January 05, 2006 06:14 PM (zf0DB)

17 Heh. I totally agree with Amber. Not only does Seasonale rock, but the in-betweens are better (less blood and cramping) because when you miss so many cycles you only get a "pseudo period". YAY! Maybe you should look into it after the IVF.... But then again, my Mommy friends tell me that the whole business changes after the baby, flow, PMS, pain, etc. Have some deep fried chocolate dipped in ranch dressing for me

Posted by: caltechgirl at January 05, 2006 06:47 PM (uI/79)

18 I loooooove your new picture. You look so happy, and relaxed, and non-PMSy. Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts.

Posted by: trouble at January 05, 2006 06:56 PM (j2vfb)

19 omg helen, that totally cracked me up!! and yeah, my bf knows pms is real. when i start hating everything and crying at commercials, i know i'm close. sucks doesn't it?

Posted by: kat at January 05, 2006 07:04 PM (xJGrF)

20 Oh my. THANK YOU. Every word is true. I finally had to explain to the man, "Look, there is going to be one day each month when nothing you say will cheer me up and I'm going to whine constantly that my life is a hell and a misery and what's important for you to understand about this is, there is nothing you can do about it. Ignore it." Because the only thing more annoying to me than being a basket case myself is having someone sweat blood trying to get me to stop being a basket case. There is no use someone else trying to fix it for me. It's chemical and inevitable. Nothing to do but endure. Oh! Assvice time: We have the Breast Swelling, but they swell up with rocks, not soft Play-Doh like silicone. I totally used to have that so freakin' bad. I do not know if this will work for you, but here is what cut down on this for me: Wear less anti-perspirant. I grew up in the desert so I was used to absolutely slathering on anti-perspirant; you kind of have to when the temperatures are over 100 for six months of the year. I've since cut it down to one swipe each arm in winter and no more than three (I try for only two most days) in the summer. Some people actually recommend switching to mere deodorants, without any anti-perspirant properties at all, but this didn't work for me; I simply sweat too much, and the extra perfumes in just-plain-deodorants cause me an allergic rash. Yick. It's easier for me to just keep the amount of anti-perspirant I use to a minimum. But honestly, I've nearly eliminated that boobs-rocking-up feeling entirely since doing that. It is awesome.

Posted by: ilyka at January 05, 2006 09:25 PM (tyQJa)

21 As a man, I will watch what I say, but please remember Angus. He is living with you during this time. (just a thought) And to think it all ends with hot flashes and sweats.

Posted by: iowaslovak at January 05, 2006 10:08 PM (U3sRl)

22 Amen! Amen!!

Posted by: Flikka at January 05, 2006 10:54 PM (puvdD)

23 Good lord can I get a witness? Amen sistah! Why was I crying at the RSPCA ad on tv the other day?? Crying! I am an animal lover and get upset anyways but that ad put me over the top due to PMS... BTW love the new pic.

Posted by: Lee at January 05, 2006 11:35 PM (PYZOC)

24 I have decided that I will be in my casket with a pimple on my chin. Oily skin will always plague me.

Posted by: Snidget at January 06, 2006 01:37 AM (qaCy+)

25 Thankfully due to medical reasons, I was put on the DEPO PRIVERA birth control shot 5 years ago. Not only do I no longer have the dreadful bleeding periods nor do I have any of the horrid PMS symptoms I used to get for weeks on end. Anyways, I like your blog. I shall be back to visit. Happy New Year.

Posted by: inky at January 06, 2006 04:33 AM (0QsFf)

26 Don't have PMS, but I do get the zits. Oh lordy yes. And I work in a photography studio, and guess when the staff photos end up? And as for crimson tide, I recall back in high school one girl complaining that her period lasted for two days. I said, "You mean people have periods that short?" Ah, well. I figure when I have a daughter, and she asks about the facts of life, she gets the whole rundown that they never seem to give you in health class. Like the fact that some active toddlers never develop hymens— a bit of a surprise, though pleasant, when I got married.

Posted by: B. Durbin at January 06, 2006 06:02 AM (tie24)

27 As a former PMS sufferer, I am here to say my hysterectomy was the best thing that could have happened to me. Of course, I'd already had all my kids by then and so forth, but my GOD I was a horrid bitch. Hang in there, Helen... only 20 or 30 more years to go!

Posted by: sue at January 09, 2006 08:45 PM (WbfZD)

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