I realized yesterday that I had to come clean.

So I took a bath.

Oh come on, you had to have seen that coming. Besides, nothing was going to keep me out of the bathtub as Angus thoughtfully picked up some Lush bubble bars for me yesterday when he was in London on his way to a business meeting. He told me that they made his backpack smell like a whore's handbag, which is better than smelling like various anatomical bits of a whore, I guess.

Once I got out of the bath, I brushed my teeth. I rubbed stretch mark oil on my still-expanding stomach - some say it makes no difference, these oils. I say "You're perhaps right, but no stretch marks so far, so lalalalalalalala I can't hear you!" Then I took a deep breath and headed downstairs. I walked up to Angus, who was enjoying a glass of shiraz in front of the PC.

"Babe?" I say, wondering if my fuzzy white robe was hiding my incredible girth. "I have a confession to make."

"Mmmmmm?" he replied in that "I'm mostly paying attention to you" tone.

"I've been having an affair," I confess.

There, I said it. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I had been dreading coming clean for a long time, but there it was.

Angus takes in my whale-sized shape. "Good luck with that," he says smoothly.

"No really. In fact, I've cheated twice recently, and I'm considering cheating again," I gulp. I wonder if I should cry. Tears would be the appropriate emotional response here. I could probably make myself cry. It's not hard when you're as hormonal as I am, the other day a Ritz cracker made me cry. I think crying would be best. Crying is what fornicators should do.

Angus looks up at me and sighs ever so slightly. "Ok. What have you done?" he asks, in that "Lemme' guess- you've dropped another glass in the kitchen again haven't you?" voice.

"I told you. I cheated. And I feel terrible about it." I wail. And I do feel terrible about it. "I didn't mean to, it must be the hormones or something. I'm out of control."

And I reveal the whole terrible, disgusting truth.

I have three on the go at once.

Three books, that is.

I am cheating on my literature.

"No! Don't laugh! This is serious shit!" I exclaim to Angus. He couldn't possibly understand. He's currently on a non-reading kick as he waits for his latest Modern Railways magazine to arrive. "I NEVER read more than one book at a time, if I do the other book will somehow know!"

It's true. I never read more than one book at a time. Call me crazy (and some do) but I always feel like the book I interrupted reading will be hurt. It will feel like a lesser book. It will feel unloved, unworthy. I can't have that. All books are worthy. I get through about 3 books a week, how can they suspect for a moment that I am a traitorous whore?

I fling a hand to my head. "It gets worse. I've not only cheated...I've killed."

Angus waits, unperturbed, likely wondering when the hell the soap opera train will stop so he can go back to surfing on the PC.

"Our book club is supposed to meet this Friday, but since I'm on bed rest I'm not going. Well, that's my cover story anyway. The truth is...I'm not going because I didn't finish the book. I didn't like it, I got bored of it. I teased it but never finished it off. My book has blue balls."

I finish books I start. It's kind of a rule with me. There are only a handful of books that I haven't finished, well under 10 books in my entire lifetime. I feel like if you start a book, you finish it. Even if it sucks, even if you hate it, you plug on. I can remember only a few of the titles that I didn't finish - Moby Dick is one of them. Drowning Ruth is another. Coe's What a Carve Up. All books I would happily burn and not in a Tipper Gore kind of way - I would burn them because it would somehow redeem the fact that I lost precious hours in life attempting those pieces of crap.

But otherwise you finish what you start. Mostly because I'm stubborn, but also because you can learn something unexpected from books. And, well, there's that fear that the book's feelings will be hurt if I stop reading it.

Pregnancy hasn't been kind to my morals. I've committed adultery on my books. I've murdered another. And - this is something I'm only just now admitting - I really did murder another book. I bought a book about couples going through IVF and was so infuriated by the author's disgusting, patronizing attitude that I literally ripped the book apart with my bare hands in a display of mis-directed hormonal effigy. But I did recycle it, so maybe that's like spreading evil Uncle Herbert's ashes over the rose garden. Taking something bad and trying to save the environment with it. It's what I tell myself, anyway.

Angus sighs. "Truly, these latest betrayals are unforgivable."

I can't expect him to understand. He's got 5 books next to his bedside. He's a literature slut, he doesn't understand the meaning of the words "fiction fidelity".

"Don't you understand? I have destroyed my moral turpitude! If I turn my back on finishing a book and am now even cheating on books, then doesn't my whole ethical structure break down? What's next? Walking through Barnes and Noble and breaking the spines of every paperback I see? Folding the corners down to mark the pages I'm on? Is the next step drowning kittens or outfitting our bedroom in Parisian boudoir pink silk? What's next?"

Angus stares at me.

"And I'm considering cheating again! I just started a new book which I love whole-heartedly, but it makes me laugh. Laughs cause contractions. I may have to stop reading it. Sure, it means the remainder of this pregnancy will be spent not laughing, but it's a choice, right? I'll just choose to be depressed. I'll rent Ingmar Bergman films. 'Vem ar du? Jag ar doden.' That kind of thing."

Angus smiles. He pats me on the head. He turns back to the computer.

I have been dismissed. Me and my filthy literature cheating ways. I've been putting it out in the fiction section and Angus isn't even worried. Am I the only one who swears fidelity to books? Am I alone in my "one man/one book" rule? Do you cheat on books?

I tell you. Any day now I'll be eating string cheese and licking the spines in the self-help section. It can only get worse from here.

-H.

PS-many huge thanks to Sue, who has very kindly sent the Lemonheads the baby monitor we wanted! Thank you so much, Sue - your comments and your kindness are hugely appreciated.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:41 AM | Comments (26) | Add Comment
Post contains 1193 words, total size 7 kb.

1 I was a lot like this when I was younger. Then I got to the point where I figured my hours on earth were worth more than a book's feelings, so I started not finishing the ones I didn't like. Then, even worse: THE INTERNET. I'm so spoiled by being able to make things I don't enjoy disappear from my sight with just one click that now I'm like white trash at the Furr's cafeteria, sampling a little bit of everything and finishing almost none of it because "I just wanted a taste" or "it got cold" or "I didn't realize it had at first that it had raisins in it." I'm horrible to books now. It was bad enough when I stuck to just throwing one across the room when it pissed me off. Now I either push them aside with cavalier neglect or have naughty polyamorous flings with several of them at once. If you found a support group for this problem I will try to attend. I need remedial lessons in respecting books.

Posted by: ilyka at September 27, 2007 10:22 AM (nbV8o)

2 I too cheat. Multiple books at one time. Have been known to do 6 at one time. Once the guilt was supresssed evey moment was enjoyed. Part of the enjoyment comes from the sneaking around one must do to preclude detection. "A Dirty Job" was fantastic. As are all his books. Have you tried Carl Hiaasen and Tim Dorsey (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tim_Dorsey)? I think you would really enjoy "Another Roadside Attrraction" by Tom Robbins (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Another_Roadside_Attraction Keep your blood pressure down and the preeclampsia away from your door. Please,

Posted by: Foggy at September 27, 2007 10:47 AM (NjqLK)

3 I usually read them one at a time, but ironically, I currently have three going at once. One, a book about weight loss, two, a non-fiction account of a man taking a sled dog team across Alaska, and three a book about terrorism. I also picked up a Rosamunde Pilcher book at a charity sale and opened it up but realized that was a bit too much. I agree with Ilyka--life's too short to read a bad book. I've even started to take a look at my bookshelf with a critical eye, saying to myself, "If I knew I was going to die in 6 months, would I bother to read that again? No? Off to the charity sale!" The book you linked to sounds interesting, if a bit like the plot of the TV series "Dead Like Me" which I wish they hadn't canceled.

Posted by: Julie at September 27, 2007 11:03 AM (bKfwj)

4 I feel the same way for the most part. Sometimes I will set a book aside when a highly anticipated one arrives. Anything new by John Sandford or Lois McMaster Bujold will cause whatever I'm currently reading to get set aside temporarily.

Posted by: ~Easy at September 27, 2007 11:10 AM (WdRDV)

5 Foggy-I did read Hiassen, some years ago. He's an engaging writer. Julie - I LOVED "Dead Like Me". Loved it loved it. Can't believe they cancelled it. Network execs have no taste.

Posted by: Helen at September 27, 2007 11:33 AM (BXpy2)

6 I'm so glad your sense of humor is still intact... That being said... I am a one book kind of girl myself, but if the book is absolutely sense dulling, then... well I kill it. But I might at a later time try to go back and resesitate it, but if it fails again, it's killed and passed on for another helpless victim.

Posted by: Angela at September 27, 2007 11:54 AM (DGWM7)

7 I absolutely must finish any books I start, even the bad ones. It seems as if I am not doing my job if I don't finish it, I didn't hold up my end of the bargain. There are only a few that have been so bad that I counldn't go through with it. Glad to know I am not the only one.

Posted by: Kerisa at September 27, 2007 12:38 PM (PsyC+)

8 Once I start a book, it has to be finished. There is only one book that I started and did not finish: Catch-22. There really was no reason for it, I just couldn't get into it at the time. I should probably go back and give it another try. My knitting and sewing? Totally different story. I am a total whore when it comes to those.

Posted by: Teresa at September 27, 2007 01:03 PM (0n+hk)

9 Speaking of books, did Melissa end up liking any of the suggestions? I hate it when I cheat on books... it feels so immoral... but then you're pregnant, doesn't that negate it somewhat?

Posted by: Hannah at September 27, 2007 01:06 PM (KuL2D)

10 I had no idea others had the same book morals I do. When I was younger I had no qualms about reading more than one book at a time, but now that I'm older and more mature, I would never dream of it. And I almost always finish a book, even if it's terrible. The last terrible book I slogged through? Katherine Neville's The Magic Circle. Ugh. I think I've only actually quit two books in my lifetime. One was The Scarlet Letter when I was in my teens and the other more recently was Neal Stephenson's Quicksilver. I gave Quicksilver over 300 pages (out of about 900) and I was still bored out of my mind, so I quit. And I don't feel bad about it.

Posted by: geeky at September 27, 2007 01:26 PM (ziVl9)

11 Read woman READ!!!! get thy self to the text!! READ READ READ.!!! Err and try to relax before the lemonheads pop

Posted by: LarryConley at September 27, 2007 01:32 PM (DK7W7)

12 I only read one book at a time and almost always finish them no matter what. I can only remember two books that I didn't finish - I tried so hard but could not bring myself to waste any more time on them. Kelly

Posted by: Kelly at September 27, 2007 01:44 PM (5ix6G)

13 I only read one book at a time, and I get stressed out if something (like leaving it in the car the hubby drives away) makes me start another one. I just slogged my way through a very not good book because I.HAD.TO. I have left some unfinished, but it is rare. I loved Dirty Jobs, and I hope you get back to it soon. (did you read Lamb yet?) My husband reads non fiction only, and he is the worst book whore ever. Perhaps fiction requires a higher degree of fidelity?

Posted by: sophie at September 27, 2007 01:52 PM (AY+fk)

14 I read multiple books at the same time! I almost always fnish a book. I worry about inanimate objects' feelings, too.

Posted by: wRitErsbLock at September 27, 2007 01:58 PM (+MvHD)

15 I am a one book woman as well. I really get ticked when I forget to take it with me on long car rides and have to actually talk to my husband and sone too. Best of luck with the rest of the pregnancy. I can't wait for the Lemonheads to get here.

Posted by: Shanna at September 27, 2007 02:05 PM (b6GoQ)

16 I don't mind reading more than one at a time but generally, one will intrigue me more and I'll still with that one till I finish and then go to the other one. Amy reads a million books at a time. I used to be a "have to finish it!" girl until I realised that life is just too short to read shitty literature. Books now have about two chapters to hook me and if they don't, they get tossed into the "Used Bookstore" pile to be traded for credit. Candace Bushnell's "Trading Up" went into that pile after about 4 pages. I don't know that she could be any more vapid if she removed her lobotomised brain from her head before she started writing.

Posted by: Ms. Pants at September 27, 2007 02:18 PM (+p4Zf)

17 I only cheat on non-fiction. Most fiction novels, if they're good enough for me to not lose interest in the first few chapters, must be consumed at the fastest possible pace (two in the last two days). I'm still trying to get through Barack Obama's "Dreams from my father". I got 2 chapters in and needed something escapist. I haven't gone back to it for months. It's still sitting on my night stand, being passed up by the load of other books I've read.

Posted by: Tracy at September 27, 2007 02:42 PM (0rzA0)

18 Contrary to what Pants thinks, I really never read more than two books at once. I have one on my nightstand to read in the house, and one in my car to read during my lunch hour. Of course, sometimes the books can breach their walls if I get totally hooked. Just last week my car book made it into the house for reading in the tub, for instance. As for not finishing books, I rarely don't finish, but if I hate the book I'll just kinda skim along. I treat it as a soap opera - if I skip a chapter, surely I can pick up what's going on with minimal effort.

Posted by: amy t. at September 27, 2007 03:17 PM (3dOTd)

19 Oh dear. I never thought of myself as a cheater until now. I usually have several at once. Right now I have only four, but I've had as many as 8. *blushes* Damn internet, forcing me to confess my shame

Posted by: The other Amber at September 27, 2007 04:00 PM (zQE5D)

20 welcome to the world of cheating. i cheat all the time. if a book holds my attention then I'm faithful - they usually do but i have picked a few hard going ones in my time or sometimes it's just a case of wrong book started at the wrong time and when picked up later could become unputdownable

Posted by: mei at September 27, 2007 04:27 PM (odUEG)

21 I can only read one at a time, unless, for some reason, I am stuck in a place with *gasp* no book, then I may run into a store and purchase one and start it to keep me going - but then I go back to the original one to finish it the first chance I get and leave the second one to wait, cold and lonely, for me to return. Not finishing books? Never that I can remember. I must finish. I never ever ever read the end before I get there, either. (I've heard of this happening). (I, too, liked "Dead Like Me")

Posted by: sue at September 27, 2007 04:49 PM (WbfZD)

22 Am major adulteress. Having chosen a life of monogamy within my marriage, I find that my innate sense of adventure DEMANDS that I cheat within the book realm. Interestingly (to me, anyway), I've gone through a brief fling of late with literary monogamy. I jumped on the Harry Potter bandwagon this past July and fell deeply in love. However, having just completed Book 6, I thought I needed a minute to. . .ponder. Book 7 is on my nightstand, and I plan on starting it over the weekend. But I will also be reading Stephen King's, "On Writing," which I've already started and love. It's a memoir on the craft of writing, specifically his experience, and thus far, it is REALLY entertaining.

Posted by: Deb at September 27, 2007 07:03 PM (v2b6T)

23 test. i keep getting errors when I try to post.

Posted by: Jennifer at September 27, 2007 07:40 PM (6JvP5)

24 I'll try this again. I never really thought about it before but I do tend to read one book at a time. However if I am in a situation where I'm reading two (which is pretty rare) I've never thought about what the other book was 'thinking'. And that's funny because I tend to give inatimate objects feelings all the time. My normal book mode is that if I'm reading something brand new that I've never read before then I'm reading it exclusively. Right now, working full time and having a 2.5 year old around this doesn't tend to happen often and I'm typically reading some sort of Nora Roberts junk I've read many times before because I have to read SOMETHING at all times, even if I've read it before. Probably the last new book I read was HP. But I have to do something during that 60 minute lunch break and since I work in a business where I talk to people all day I need the reading release at lunch. When I'm reading recycled books I will sometimes be reading more than one because I'll forget one at work and want to read at home. I too tend to finish what I start. There are some books that I finish that I literally wish to throw across the room when I'm done. I believe there are some books I never finished but I can't think of any as an adult. As a kid I never could get into the Lion, Witch, Wardrobe series and to this day have not read any further than I did as a kid. I think I was too young when I tried to read it - the cupboard goes where? into the snow? and they eat imaginary food? eh???? that's about as far as I got and was lost. Thanks for the interesting post! JK

Posted by: Jennifer at September 27, 2007 09:13 PM (6JvP5)

25 Where would one get this stretch mark oil that you speak of? So far I have heard Coco butter works, which I have been using. Any ideas where to get it in North America?

Posted by: Missgirlbliss at September 27, 2007 09:50 PM (D0HUP)

26 It's easier to stay faithful when you read fast, but even so I have sometimes been involved with multiple books at once, usually at far-flung locations. I likewise tend to finish what I start, but there have been a few exceptions. One time was when the book was a misprint, and the whole middle section was an upside-down segment from the first half— even though we exchanged it, the momentum was lost. Alas. But I even finished The Devil Himself, a non-fiction that was nowhere near as interesting as the title promised, and which used the term "larboard foretopmast studding sail boom" in cold blood. I wrote that phrase into a game once. It's got a certain demented ring to it, doesn't it?

Posted by: B. Durbin at September 28, 2007 12:40 AM (tie24)

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