Pru (Pru again! Damn her!) hit on something that I've been thinking about myself.
I lay everything out here on the blog, and by everything, I pretty much mean everything (please, I even told you about a failed mooncup incident. If that's not sharing then what is?) Names and specifics are changed on the blog to protect identities and Googling by people in our real life, but the bottom line is true. Everything that goes up here has happened, all of my feelings here are real. I am not a middle-aged man in Nebraska. I really am a 34 year-old woman in England (complete with builders outside who are currently debating breast measurements of the women they are currently shagging dating).
But in real life, I'm a very private person. People tend to bewilder me - I don't know what their motivations are. I don't see where things are going. The same could be said of being out here, I guess - I don't see where things head, but at the same time, people have the option of clicking that little red X in the corner. People are only here because they choose to be, perhaps they want to be.
I try to have "real life" friends - tomorrow a friend of mine is coming for tea. Saturday we might have an Aussie friend and her husband over a meal. Her husband is an electrician, so no doubt Angus will be beside himself with chat and questions.
But the people I meet and get to know online are people that I care about. My real friends, the ones who know the most about me, are flung all over the planet. I have K in Missouri (hi babe!) who is going through a rough time. Sophie is my "parenting teens" stepmom in arms. Lisa had a terrible last year, and has a quiet strength to her (which she loans to me on occasion). Margi is like the den mom, with Auntie CTG bringing up the flank. Diamond Dave, Physics Geek and Easy are the big brothers, Statia and Teresa are like sisters who don't get too pissed off with me when I fuck up, and Sarah Pants my college lesbian encounter that I still snog when I drink too much.
But it's more than that. Last week when Clancy and Julie clarified my position on why no pics of Melissa and Jeff exist on the blog, they not only got it bang on correct, but they warmed my heart. It's like a community of people that hang here with a cup of coffee and get to know this little slice of my world and have my back when the office gossip comes by telling people I had toilet paper on the bottom of my shoe.
And there's the women of the infertile brigade I've gotten to know - DD, Becks, Donna, Melissa...these women have the strength of boulders and the most amazing hearts. I think about these women. I worry about Jennifer, who fell off the radar and I hope to hell her pregnancy is progressing. I worry about Vicki and her boys. I celebrate and cry over how many people are rallying to help another person try to have a baby (auctions still ongoing here and here - and I listed a whole set of felt food on the US site yesterday. Felt food! How is it that I had never heard of such a thing? I'm trying to talk myself out of being convinced that I must buy these because Nick and Nora need them because their mother can't sew.)
I think about Tracy and her stepkids, I think about Kathy and her calming motherhood emails, I think about Kenju and Sue and Mia and Amber and everyone. Your comments stay with me, but more than that they help me and give me guidance. And other mothers-to-be write me as they found my blog, they found your comments, they got the answers they sought from you. I can't tell you what it means that you might be leaving comments that will help someone else as they waddle through the stage known as "I'm pregnant, what the fuck happens now?"
And there are so many more people out there that matter to me, please don't take offense if your name wasn't mentioned-I have about 6 minutes of blogging time this morning and only 55 seconds of that is left. I'm not great at leaving comments but I have started to reply to some of the comments that are left for me via email - if you don't want that, let me know. If you think that what you say here goes unnoticed, then you're wrong. I certainly read, and I've since learned that many others are reading you here, too - in fact, I can't believe the numbers that are checking in here daily. I wonder why they come, I wonder what they get. Don't they realize that I'm a nut?
This is me saying thank you.
Thank you so much. For every comment and email, for the forgiveness you have at how slow I am to respond to said emails, for the gestures and thoughts and kindness. Thank you for not judging me for being crazy and broken, for not kicking me when I was down, and for staying with me for as long as you have. Thank you for helping me feel like there's a little space in the world where it's safe for me to be me.
I'm going on 5 years of blogging this year. I have no plans to quit, I'm sure I will carry on for some time. I just wanted to tell you that in those 5 years, I have been touched so completely by so many of you.
And for that, I thank you.
PS-the first person to say "You complete me" is going to have Nick and Nora's morning teething-related diaper explosions flung at their head.
PPS-no I don't have PMS and I'm not drunk and I haven't just been told I only have 2 weeks to live. Just feeling mushy today, that's all.
1
LOL. I read you because I know you have to be almost as crazy as I am, it's comforting. Plus you crack me up most of the time. I don't comment all that much and when I do I don't expect a comment back. If you commented to every reader that left a comment every day then I would think you were nutso . Crazy is sooooo different than nuts!
Posted by: justme at April 10, 2008 09:07 AM (995Uq)
2
Mushy is good!
We love you too. x
Posted by: Mia at April 10, 2008 09:31 AM (WYXl0)
3
To me, reading your blog daily is like looking at one of your photos- partly unbelievably beautiful and impressing, partly so amazingly amusing... And before I get wholly entangled in (with? into?) my adverbs, I stop right here. And see if I can find my glossary of phrases with prepositions. Obviously I need it.
Have a nice day,
Lily
Posted by: Lily at April 10, 2008 09:34 AM (Y8m4l)
4
Nah, you don't complete me, you old hag. You're more like an old pair of smelly slippers that I have hanging around the place, just can't seem to being myself to throw you out!
Posted by: B at April 10, 2008 09:41 AM (j4kp7)
5
Its always a pleasure dropping by!
Posted by: Super Sarah at April 10, 2008 10:56 AM (d7dEB)
6
No need to thank me. Yours was one of the first blogs I discovered over 4 years ago when I started blogging. I was struck then, and now by the naked honesty in your writing. You were--and are--an inspiration to me and my writing.
Posted by: ~Easy at April 10, 2008 11:12 AM (XD24A)
7
Aw, that was lovely, just like you!
I'm being nosey now...just how many people do stop by here each day?
Posted by: Gill at April 10, 2008 11:21 AM (Mb5jZ)
8
Oh my god if there was something wrong (or bad) with being a nut I think a lot of us (myself included) would be screwed. And there's nothing wrong with a little sap once in a while either!
Anyways, just wanted to say hi!
Posted by: Erin at April 10, 2008 11:33 AM (IPMSz)
9
mushy Helen...imagine that!
We loves you too crazy lady!
On a more serious note though, I really do enjoy tuning in everyday. There are many things I appreciate about your blog (insert love letter to Helen) but I think what I appreciate MOST is your honesty.
I share *some stuff* but I have a harder time writing openly about what is going on when it's not all positive (for many reasons include a VERY private husband who reads along)....and sometimes...when something is stewing and brewing and I'm still pretending that everything is A-OK...it's nice to know that I'm not alone in that my world is often hard and difficult (albeit sometimes warm and wonderful too)...Life is like that (all box of chocolatey-like!)
stay cool, mmk?
wn
Posted by: wn at April 10, 2008 11:35 AM (nyzJZ)
10
Sniffle sniffle.
I'll think of a real comment in a week or so, I just wanted to say rightbackatcha.
Posted by: donna at April 10, 2008 12:02 PM (Yg10E)
11
Um... you had me at hello?
::ducks and runs::
Posted by: wRitErsbLock at April 10, 2008 12:32 PM (+MvHD)
12
If you weren't a nut, I don't think I would love you so much. I always figure we all read and comment as life allows, and that varies widely. I love you muchly, and I feel certain I would have no blog if I had not read yours.
Posted by: sopie at April 10, 2008 12:34 PM (mIQEz)
13
Damn, writersblock said it before I did!
You are awesome Helen. All broken and sappy and crazy and what-not. It's what I, and everyone else, love about you.
xoxo
Posted by: Amanda at April 10, 2008 12:46 PM (ay+rD)
14
Yay for mushy! *smile*
Posted by: oddybobo at April 10, 2008 12:47 PM (mZfwW)
15
OK, you escape the foul teething nappy, Writer's Block.
I'll throw a urine-soaked one instead.
Posted by: Helen at April 10, 2008 01:03 PM (dgQ5L)
16
Another shout out thanks to the daily inspiration which I provide? Aw shucks.
I try that whole replying-to-comments-via-email with moderate success. It is hard sometimes, but I persevere because I love commenters so damn much.
I'm pleased you blog so much these days, and admittedly I'm in awe of your ability to do so. Yeah, you're alright kid.
Posted by: MsPrufrock at April 10, 2008 01:16 PM (Lorry)
17
Awwww H.. that was sweet. I know exactly what you mean.. I think about my pals here all the time! I dream about you girls and your kiddos like I know you or have visited. STRANGE. I love your honesty and humor and I don't comment all the time, but I read you DAILY!!
Hugs to you and the kiddos...
Posted by: Tracey at April 10, 2008 01:40 PM (jgdKP)
18
My thoughts exactly. All my internet friends are so much more real to me than my real life friends.
Posted by: Jen at April 10, 2008 01:47 PM (FYm8s)
19
Dang it, Writersblock took teh best line!
You are raw, honest, erudite, hysterically funny, self-depracating, and courageous.
When I grow up, I want to be like you.
Thank you for putting it out there, it's so hard to believe that we love you for it so damn much?
Posted by: Elizabeth at April 10, 2008 02:08 PM (DyeGv)
20
Crazy luvs company......
It's nice to know you're out there!
Posted by: jodie at April 10, 2008 02:36 PM (4twyr)
21
thank YOU. i love me some everyday stranger with my morning cup of tea. i often wish we could have a cup together.
Posted by: megan at April 10, 2008 03:22 PM (jy7KI)
22
Unfortunately I've had the rotten experience of readers/bloggers who turned out to be lying about themselves on their blogs. I used to feel all chummy and close with bloggers/readers/commenters/message board chums/etc.; it never dawned on me that anyone would, you know,
lie (what for?) but not so much these days unless I've known them a really long time.
But I do believe you.
Posted by: The other Amber at April 10, 2008 03:26 PM (zQE5D)
23
I come here to read, daily. I like to surround myself with real people. People who ask themselves if they're crazy, people who look at their bodies and wish it were different, people who wonder if they will ever have another baby, people who wonder if they might not be drinking ENOUGH wine. I like knowing that you are real and I find hope for my life situations when I can read about someone else who has already been there and come through the other side, maybe a little banged up, but for the most part...sane. You have done that for me on more than one occasion...thanks! I'll go back to lurking now!
Posted by: the mother hen at April 10, 2008 05:10 PM (jeaaW)
24
I have been reading here for a little over two years now. I don't comment that much but do from time to time and I did get a nice response from you to an email I sent you re: our trips to Santorini when I first started reading. I love reading your blog and am so glad that you plan on being around for a while.
Posted by: kimmykins13 at April 10, 2008 06:50 PM (OKezc)
25
I've become fairly bad about commenting, but I'm always here reading. Baby...no time. You know how it is.
Posted by: Dotty at April 10, 2008 07:13 PM (Njk30)
26
Hey, we all here heart us some Helen.
Posted by: physics geek at April 10, 2008 07:47 PM (MT22W)
27
While I don't get the opportunity to comment over here a lot (or at all, come to think of it) anymore, know that I'm always reading.
Yep, I'm a blog-stalker...
Posted by: amber at April 10, 2008 07:53 PM (HCbA1)
28
bises h...
if there is one thing I know that matters it is your friends
Posted by: stinkerbell at April 10, 2008 08:14 PM (O3iDX)
29
aw, it's been a great ride so far. and thanks for all of your help while i became a new mom, too. you, kathy & statia have helped me keep my sanity.
and can you believe my stepdaughter just turned 20 last week? it seems impossible that i've had her for 10 years. wow.
much love to you girl. i check in on you every day, even if i don't always email or comment. but i do love your notes on flickr. thank you.
Posted by: becky at April 10, 2008 08:22 PM (l2sRt)
30
I tend to be a lurker as well - I really only have time to read anything at work which isn't really a solution because, well, I should be *working*. I don't recall what started me reading your site (actually I was reading your other site and I was really glad when you moved them to one ... I had a hard time keeping up). But as other posters have stated I enjoy how real you are. I'm real too ... I find it interesting to know that people make up a personna online. I have enough reality to deal with than to make something up about myself. But I'm also not young anymore (I'm 37) and despite the flaws I can pick apart about myself I'm actually pretty content with my life and what I do in it.
My secret confession ... I have to admit I LOVE England. I (sorta) had an English boyfriend once years ago and visited him in England. I was prepared to think about moving from sunny Minnesota to England (he was in Brighton, does that make a difference?) Fortunately (or unfortunately) our relationship did not pan out and I never did have to decided to move to England. On one hand I do still love England and I laugh when you talk about the differences in English/American (my husband is not English and really doesn't have a good appreciation of such humor). But on the other hand a move for me to England would have been bad. For one I wouldn't have met my husband. For two I wouldn't have my adorable 3 year old son. And for three I would miss my family terribly.
So through you I'm vicariously living the life in England I think I may have had once a long time ago. So thank you for that. :-)
And you have replied to me via email which I find fun - wow, someone noticed ME, what a thrill! I always say I will start a blog again but then find something else to do with my time instead.
Have to brave the snowstorm now and pick up my son.
Posted by: Jennifer at April 10, 2008 10:17 PM (6JvP5)
Posted by: diamond dave at April 10, 2008 11:54 PM (Cj9I0)
32
I am honored to be in the group that you mentioned, Helen. Thanks. You are NOT a nut; you are really very normal, except you are funny!
Posted by: kenju at April 11, 2008 12:09 AM (yvCMb)
33
Aww. I love you too, schnookems.
P.S. I "met" Lisa and Statia through you, believe it or not and they're both so awesome, you guys make me wish I wasn't so damned old. Heh.
Posted by: Margi at April 11, 2008 12:35 AM (zfeQt)
34
I just have to tell you how freaking excited I was to get a comment from you on MY blog!! Thanks for making my day!
Posted by: Kristine at April 11, 2008 12:58 AM (8SRDh)
35
Thank you for continuing to blog, yours is still the blog that is a must read for me, thanks for sharing so much of yourself with us.
I must admit when you've left a comment on my site, (which has been woefully neglected), I was very excited lol.
Being a broken person myself, it's nice to have company!
love ya
Posted by: Fleat at April 11, 2008 01:47 AM (Bvxo+)
36
Ok, I totally started writing a comment here HOURS ago, and then got distracted by something with the kids, and just left the form open. SO - if it looks like I'm stalking your blog...nope - just too scattered to close the window. Or hit post. duh.
I think we should write a book on the evolution of relationships through blogging. I figure we could make at least a million each, and score a spot on at least Oprah, if not Dr. Phil. Maybe Jerry Springer (is he still on?) Maybe our own subscription podcasts?
Then we could retire and write about how difficult it is to be rich. I like this idea much more than the idea that is the laundry pile calling my name...
Posted by: Tracy at April 11, 2008 05:08 AM (sGr7w)
37
So um, wanna go to the bar with me later on? *breath spray* ;-p
Posted by: Ms. Pants at April 11, 2008 01:26 PM (+p4Zf)
Posted by: Mitzi at April 11, 2008 01:32 PM (cB5ML)
39
Uhhhh...I am speechless.
Thank you love, thank you.
Posted by: Teresa at April 11, 2008 03:45 PM (CE0ea)
40
I love you mushiness and I'm completely touched by it and nodding in agreement.
Posted by: Mel at April 11, 2008 06:53 PM (veSRV)
41
Wow. This was worth the read, if for no other reason, for the link to the Mooncup story alone! For some reason I can't figure out how to comment on that one, though. So let me just say, I've never laughed harder at a blog. Seriously.
But also, this particular entry is beautiful. I really have enjoyed reading your blog lately. The CBeebies one was perfection. I finally had to go find it on my Sky Box, but haven't tuned in the the Night Garden, or whatever it's called yet. You are having the England experience I want to be having. I'm to caught up in American Military life over here and not caught up enough in actually being in England yet. And I'm running out of time quicklly.
Anyway, loving your blog. Loving your pictures.
Posted by: kellyangelo at April 11, 2008 08:19 PM (Ci4/Y)
42
Love your blog! Thanks for sharing snippets of your life with us.
Posted by: 3e at April 12, 2008 07:28 AM (6WIIy)
43
you had a failed mooncup incident??? you know it's because of your blog and talk of the mooncup that i went and got one? ok i will now forever shove it further up than necessary even if it means longer wrestling to get the damn thing out.
that aside, i like reading your stuff.
Posted by: Mei at April 12, 2008 11:42 AM (t09YU)
44
Well, I just can't quit you...
Posted by: Melissa at April 14, 2008 04:16 AM (+Wg/4)
45
Thank you for writing, for sharing.
Posted by: Laura at April 14, 2008 12:26 PM (uluw9)
46
We love you, too.
aka Mia.
Formerly The Origin of Soul. *wink*
Posted by: Lauren at April 14, 2008 03:22 PM (iUfJz)
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