The Gig has, as one of its core values, that we as a company have to give back to the community, and even has a volunteer organization as part of the company to ensure we can get plugged in to local activities. We also get two days paid leave to attend to volunteer actions, and I think it’s a good idea to volunteer. I’m not completely altruistic in this, I admit – my 5 year anniversary of moving here is coming up and I’m facing citizenship and indefinite leave to remain visa hassles, and volunteering is a good idea.

In November I signed up to help out this week, on Tuesday and Thursday, with a local school. The school has asked for local businesses to come and help students write CVs and go through mock interviews in preparation for college, university, and employment. I thought this was a great idea and since the school is local to the house (the babiesÂ’ nursery is located on site) I thought it would be very relevant, not least considering because IÂ’d just been through the interview and CV process. So yesterday I trooped out to the school to interview 15 and 16 year olds, their CVs already in-hand.

The CVs were cute – I made a lot of comments on them about things they’d done well (work experience) and things they may want to change (not having an email name of “sparklyhotkitten”, for example. I went into the school feeling decidedly cold and flu-y, and registered. There amongst the other business people to help interview were a scary looking sergeant in the military, a number of professionals from companies similar to mine, and a few school governors. We had lists of questions to ask the kids and critique papers for them to receive when we were done.

Our students came and got us and took us to an interviewing room. I was greeted by a very twitchy young woman named Ellie, who fidgeted with the cuffs of her school uniform constantly.

“Um, what are you going to do?” she asked in a quiet voice.

“Relax,” I said, smiling. “I’m not going to be mean or scare you at all. I’m just going to show you how to interview.”

She smiled hesitantly, clearly not convinced. As we walked she looked to the left and then dropped low, close to the floor.

“Are you ok?” I asked her, wondering if she was fainting.

“Ohmigod it’s Jacob,” she said in a theatrical whisper, indicating with her head a boy walking down a parallel corridor.

“Jacob is a good or a bad thing?” I ask, observing his stupid hair. Dear Jesus, please don’t let Nick have stupid hair in the future. I can handle many things, but stupid hair is not one of them.

“Are you serious?” she asks me, mouth agape. “Jacob is so hot!”

“Right. So why are you hiding?” I ask her as we shuffle along.

“He can’t see me!” she squeals.

“Then how is he going to notice you?” I ask.

“Ohmigod! He’s not!” she squeaks. "That's the point!"

Teenage love, man. More complicated than adult love.

When we get to the interviewing tables I meet the others – I have 5 students, all of them girls. I explain a bit about myself and where I come from, what I do. One of them seems very impressed. “You’re really high up in your company aren’t you?” she asks.

“No, I’m just about right.” I reply.

“You must earn so much money!” she breathes.

I think about my empty bank account. “Um, yeah. Lots of money.”

I tell them to relax and be themselves, that I am just here for practice and in future if they get an interview it means something good, that a company sees potential in them. They nod, sort of listening but still terrified. Truthfully, I was pretty nervous about meeting them prior to this - I think as someone who was both the nerd and the class clown in high school I can now be labelled "hideously uncool". As such, I have re-opened myself to a large amount of torment and teasing. My 80's perm may forever rest in peace.

We begin, and I start with Ellie.

“So Ellie, what do you see for yourself in 5 years?” I ask, using the standard boring interview question.

“Yeah, uh, I dunno,” she replies.

“OK, well what is your ideal job?” I ask her.

“Oh, I just want to be a secretary!” she says breathily.

This is a first. I know many people who become secretaries (I started out that way) but I’ve never met a teen who wanted that as a career choice, not in this generation. “What attracts you to the role?” I ask her neutrally.

“I think it’s so great that you know, you file, and you make coffee, and get lunch for my boss, and stuff like that. And I’m not good at anything else, really, so this is a good fit.”

I struggle with this one. I don’t let on to her that I'm struggling, I tell her that’s excellent and that behind every decent boss is a secretary who runs things with an iron fist. And I do mean that – the managers I know who have a modicum of success do so I think thanks to someone who toils thanklessly beneath them, making sure things keep running smoothly. But I can’t help but feel that she’s letting herself down a bit. The whole world is ahead of her, she’s only 16. She can be anything, but what she wants to be is a secretary.

Before I get hate mail, IÂ’m not in the least bad-mouthing secretaries. ItÂ’s hard work, and youÂ’re often overlooked. I know, I was one. I just canÂ’t point to anyone whose excitement is centred on making coffee for someone, and the basis of her choice is that she doesn't think she's good at anything. How can someone not have corrected her on that? Is it so that young girls think that about themselves these days? Am I missing something? Shouldn't we be saying "Yes, you can be a secretary, but it's a choice. You choose to be a secretary if that's what you want to be. It's not that you're not good at anything else."

As the interviews go on, itÂ’s clear that the girls are simply aiming low. One of them wants to start a wedding planning business but laughs it off, saying itÂ’s just a stupid dream, one that she'll never get to take off. Another one says she failed to get into sixth form college so sheÂ’s just going to work at a pre-school, and she adds she plans on working there for the rest of her life. Yet another one says she wants to be a chef but will likely wind up doing something else, as sometimes the coursework is too hard.

I look at these 5 girls, who have their whole lives ahead of them, and I want to shake some sense into them. You could be anything! I want to shout. Aim high, life will come in and kick you anyway, but you might as well have this dream! You have so much to offer, donÂ’t knock yourself down!

Talking to Angus later, he tells me that maybe I have the wrong end of the stick. In his school, he explained, career day had a film about working in a sausage making factory. Of his former classmates most of them wound up in thoroughly average roles during thoroughly average work. But theyÂ’re happy for the most part, even if they do sometimes say they wonder what would have happened if onlyÂ…

ItÂ’s not like IÂ’m some pinnacle of success myself, I never saw this in my future. I'm not someone with the right to stand on a soapbox and tell people to be like me. I just hate seeing young people not want to reach for everything. I hate seeing anyone, regardless of their age, say that theyÂ’re not good at anything. My problem is not that I don't want to hear someone saying they just want to be a secretary, as I don't want to hear someone saying they just want to be a senior project manager, either. I want these girls to say that the sky's the limit, they're evaluating their options because they could do anything. Most of all, I want them to take out the "just" in their dreams, as it implies they are limited by something above.

It's as Angus and I have been saying - we don't want our kids to have lives as good as ours. We want their lives to be better, to be more. You can be envious of anyone and everyone around you, except for your kids. For them, you want them to have it all.

And maybe above all, I hate seeing women beat themselves up like that. I tend to believe that things are just that little bit harder for women in the working world anyway. We need to approach employment with energy and the belief that we are just as good as anyone else, more specifically that we are just as good as the men. Otherwise how can we accept the failings weÂ’ve subjected our young women to? How is it that boys in the other interview groups believe they can be policemen, businessmen, or attorneys but my five girls don't even believe they can try again to get into sixth form, or that they have more to offer than picking up someone's lunch?

In the end I thank them. I tell them they did great. I wish them luck in everything they do. And at the bottom of their critique sheets I write: “Believe in yourself. You’re great, you just need to believe it.”

They'll maybe laugh it off. I'm hideously uncool and I know it. But if only...

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:56 AM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
Post contains 1668 words, total size 9 kb.

1 I think this is still the low self-esteem of their mothers which makes them feel inferior. This is tough and goes on for generations.You also need a dad to tell you that you're great and be really confident in your abilities. So, the question is what's wrong with the moms and dads?

Posted by: Paula at January 07, 2009 11:48 AM (Nm4nm)

2 God, that's so depressing. Except for Jacob & SparklyHotKitten, which is knicker-wetting stuff. I don't mind what Harry does to his hair, though - I reckon there's worse ways he can embarrass himself. We're very relaxed on hair round here. Wait til you see us! But yes, depressing, and I don't know why the hell I think I'm entitled to be dismissive about those low-pitched career choices. I spent years in my early 20s in temporary jobs that were precisely what they were describing. I wish to God I'd pulled my finger out at school and actually just decided on a sodding career, instead of sailing off to do a degree in ancient bloody history because I couldn't decide where life was taking me. Cough. Sorry. I seem to have digressed into a completely unnecessary personal disappoinment diatribe! I'm surprised your citizenship isn't pretty much in the bag already, particularly as you are the mother of two undisputed (and monstrously cute!) british citizens. Surely you haven't got to sit one of those peculiar tests?!

Posted by: Hairy Farmer Family at January 07, 2009 12:54 PM (NMxGt)

3 Aspiring to be a secretary is fine. After all, somebody has to be the secretary. (I note in passing that in my office we don't have Secretaries. We have Clerk/typists. Except during secretaries week.) The problem is often that expectations are raised too high. The idea that one can be anything seems to only apply if you're aspiring to be "somebody". Kids who want to fix cars, or be secretaries are often told they should aspire to greater things. I tell my girls that whatever they do is fine with me.

Posted by: ~Easy at January 07, 2009 01:53 PM (IVGWz)

4 I tutored a girl in the local housing projects for several years (she was bright, we didn't really do her homework, we mostly hung out and talked...) and part of her inability to see options was that they weren't present in her everyday world. For example, I was the only person she knew well who "dressed up" for work every day. I (and others like me) humanized parts of the world that she hadn't had the opportunity to understand, and in that, she was kind of 'freed' to explore the idea of them. Over time, she changed her personal narrative from "if I graduate high school" to "when I go to college" (which she did). I'm glad you met these girls. You probably had more of an impact on them than you suspect.

Posted by: suze at January 07, 2009 02:30 PM (0doyF)

5 You might be surprised at what a compliment or encouraging word from a stranger can mean and/or do. In "Chariots of Fire", Harold Abrams (a 100m sprinter) says to his best friend, "You are my complete man, Aubrey. You're content. Contentment is the key. I'm 24, and I've never known it." (paraphrased) As you say, there's nothing wrong with being a secretary or factory worker (the world needs those), but if you want more, don't settle for less. I want Godliness and contentment for my children. Whether they're astronauts, brick layers, or secretaries; I will be thrilled for them if they're Godly and content. ~Easy also made an excellent point. We must balance encouragement and aspirations with at least a moderate amount of realism.

Posted by: Solomon at January 07, 2009 03:02 PM (x+GoF)

6 I think you had the chance to do some good in the world, and you did. Sure, they can be a secretary if they want, but they need to understand that with enough hard work and effort, they can be practically anything they feel like. I'm glad you got to do that.

Posted by: Hannah at January 07, 2009 03:46 PM (lUH62)

7 As you said, I think it's fine to want to be a secretary if that's a job that sounds appealing for whatever reason--even if it's that she loves making coffee, or that she wants a job that doesn't require a whole lot of education. It's the "not good at anything" part that bothers me. Even if she'd said, "I think I'd be a really good secretary" (or "I'm going to work at a preschool because I love kids and I think it would be fun" or "I'll probably work at the sausage factory because the benefits are good and you get free sausage") that wouldn't be so depressing.

Posted by: electriclady at January 07, 2009 04:11 PM (n8XnF)

8 Ok, I'm a bit of a lurker who is coming out to say something about this. It is definetly something that hits close to home. I grew up with parents who told me I always needed to do better than them, but when I suceeded my mothers jealousy brought me back down. So I grew up feeling pretty much worthless. I did end up finding a career path that would have made me very happy, but it was no where near amazing. I never felt good enough, and my real dreams had been killed so badly when I was young, I had forgotten them. So I decided to go on a path to make myself worthy, and this produced the craziest unplanned move of my life. I decided to give up what I was studying, and now I am going after that dream. My path in life has never felt more right than in the moments I am working towards it; so now I am working harder than I have in my entire life and I have never been happier. So reading the time and kind words you gave those girls made my day. For it is something I try to do to anyone I meet, because everyone has so much more inside them. So even if they chose to be a secretary, I just wish they know they are worth everything.

Posted by: Victoria at January 07, 2009 04:27 PM (n82b0)

9 And now I must watch Finding Neverland, one of my favorite films ever, because it includes one of my favorite quotes and you have brought it to mind... Porthos dreams of being a bear, and you want to shatter those dreams by saying he's *just* a dog? What a horrible candle-snuffing word. That's like saying, "He can't climb that mountain, he's just a man", or "That's not a diamond, it's just a rock." Just.

Posted by: amy t. at January 07, 2009 04:27 PM (3dOTd)

10 I must admit, I scanned before I read and when I saw the name Jacob, I thought you were doing a fiction piece and that there would be some lupine phasing going on. And then I got to the secretary part and wished again for the fictional lupine phasing. Unfortunately, these are gals that seem to be following the current trend of downplaying themselves. When I was in high school and asked that question, I rattled off a list of things I wanted to do, most of which I haven't accomplished. (Teaching English to kids in Spain, working at a publishing house--check, editing books--check, writing books--check if photo captions count, winning a Pulitzer by age 21--HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!, marriage and kids--BWHAHAHAHAHA!!!) Moreso, I remember my mother telling me she wanted me to be more than an admin because it's what she does (did, she just retired) and she wanted more for me. Guess what? I'm an admin. I attribute part of my current job to my college experience. I'd like to cockpunch every asshole who told me to "major in something love" rather than "major in something that will give you job skills and make you money." A creative writing degree isn't especially marketable to the masses, ya know? I also attribute my admin-ing to a completely stupid and counterproductive inherent reaction to authority. Mom said she wanted more for me? Well, I'll show her! There's more to it of course. It's the easiest profession for women to fall into, I think. Especially women who are articulate and creative, as the job requires some serious problem solving. Unfortunately, it also requires a lot of thick skin, which I don't seem to have. It saddens me that the girls seem to have already defeated themselves. The crack about courses being too hard breaks my heart. At the same time though, I don't quite encourage the "You can do anything you want!" speech because it's flat out untrue. I was fed that speech so much I actually believed it and I'm now one bitter cunt because of it. And had I only thought about it a bit, I'd have known it was untrue-- I could never, ever be a mathelete or a politician no matter how hard I worked. I beg you--instead of the "you can do anything" spiel, tell the twins that you'll support them in anything they do, or that they should dream big and go big and you'll be their safety net, should they need. Wave pom poms, smile, tell them it's okay to fail and you'll still love them no matter what. And as for Jacob's stupid hair-- did he have The Rachel? I'm noticing now that all young kids have Leif Garrett hair, which I now recognise as The Rachel. It is completely NOT okay.

Posted by: Ms. Pants at January 07, 2009 04:50 PM (+p4Zf)

11 It sounds like you might need to talk to their careers teacher - if things haven't changed since I was at school, there may still be some telling the girls this is all they can be, but if things have, there's some serious peer/parental influence going on and the career teacher needs to know...

Posted by: Katie at January 07, 2009 07:56 PM (UaL+O)

12 Do you think it might be a little cultural? I'm not sure. I think it's hideously said that they think there should be a "just" in their dreams, as well. I think we should all pick our dream careers based on what we think we'd be good at and what we'd enjoy, and not pick our dream careers on what we think we can't be. If that makes sense.

Posted by: Jen R. (aaron-n-jen.com) at January 07, 2009 08:04 PM (J6HVJ)

13 Wow. That is tragic. I wonder if it's cultural? I still hear quite a few lofty aspirations amongst the younger people I know here in the States. I love that about this country - that we believe every avenue is open to us with enough determination, work ethic and moxy. I hope we never stop.

Posted by: Kimberly at January 07, 2009 08:54 PM (v57BG)

14 Don't despair. The girl who wants to be a secretary may end up realizing she can do a better job than her boss and take his job.

Posted by: DEBORAH at January 07, 2009 10:30 PM (DxdDc)

15 I doubt if the responses were a little cultural. A lot cultural. I knew a female physician with a pre-school daughter. The only mom she had ever known was a physician and she was well aware her mother was a physician. Daughter comes home from like 5 yo kindergarten and tells her mother she cannot be a doctor as only boys are doctors; girls are nurses. That is culture in action.

Posted by: Charles at January 08, 2009 02:14 AM (Dk5Ts)

16 I wish I had a role model or a mentor when I was their age. Or now. lol I always knew my parents would stand behind any choices I made career wise. However, I never had that urge to be something specific. I sooo envy anyone who has a calling like that, someone who has direction in life. I'm still looking for mine at 40. Congrats on taking the effort to instill a little self confidence and pride in a few young ladies. Perhaps they will remember your words of encouragement and follow one of those dreams they deemed silly pipe dreams. Oh, and I have to add that as a former secretary and admin assistant...... that a truly good one is the cruxt of many offices. I took great pride in pre-emptively reading my bosses wants and needs. An no, I didnt do coffee or lunch unless we had some guests or special meetings going on in the office.

Posted by: Terry at January 08, 2009 07:27 AM (GAf+S)

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