While shopping with Melissa and Jeff on Tuesday, we had to dash into the grocery store for milk and juice (where do kids put all the milk they consume? I mean...really? How is it that Angus and I take 10 days to go through half a litre of milk, yet kids can whip through it within days? What, is it spiked with candy-flavored meth?)

So we're shopping and Melissa runs over to the magazine section to indulge some money in those bubble gum pop rags that have smiley nauseating teen boy bands on the cover, who act all innocent but really spend their weekends with bloddshot eyes snorting cocaine off of the stomachs of exotic dancers (hmmm...two drug references in one post. Should I be more responsible? Should I tell you that I have never in my life done illegal drugs, except one puff of pot in Stockholm in which nothing happened? Ah....fuck it.) I go with her, and there I see it. The answer to my queries of the universe. A sudden staunch tight fist grabbing hold of my uterus and tapping it on the head a la Biff in Back to the Future-"Hello! McFly!"

It's a women's decorating magazine.
Decked out in gold.
And the entire issue was about Christmas decorations.

It was like an epiphany. Angels started singing in a soprano chorus, all of the light in the store was directly on the magazine (except the scanners at the tills, that is. Nothing kills those babies.) and a voice from above said to me: Helen. This is your calling. All you need is this magazine, a glue gun, and several hundred pounds of baby's breath. This is what you need to be.

I bought that magazine.
In fact, I bought two.
Martha Stewart may be in prison, but I have her back-I will single-handedly provide the most rocking, the most homey, the most decorative Christmas ever.

Previously, I have lived my Christmas experiences in a specific, unaltering pattern. Christmas presents are all bought by Thanksgiving, saving perhaps stocking stuffers, and wrapped weeks before Christmas. This is so that I can wander the shopping centres and malls, see all the people running around stressed screaming at shop help: All you have is a remote controlled Rudolph The Red Nose Came-deer red-tipped vibrator? This is your gift suggestion for my Great Uncle? That's all you have? Fuck it, I'll take two! and laugh at them, smug and secure in my knowledge that I have had superior planning skills.

Christmas card lists are done early, and all Christmas cards are mailed out promptly on December 1. Presents to be opened on December 25-none of this evening of the 24th BS for me. Christmas meal is served mid-afternoon, but Christmas on a whole is an entire day to eat to Oompa Loompa proportions. And I always make fudge, which I will again this year, only I will not mention to Angus that the US version of the recipe I use calls for an entire jar of Kraft Marshmallow fluff. Some ancient Chinese secrets are best kept in the family.

Besides, if he knows about the fluff he won't eat it.
I really like saying the word fluff. That extends to a general pleasure in writing the word, too.

I have never been into the crafts thing. I simply am not creative at things like that, and I generally find the process painful and the results unsatisfactory. I am happy buying a rope of shiny tinsel and stringing that over the window, a store-bought wreath gracing my front door. Maybe a part of me is aware that Angus' ex was extremely inventive with crafty things, and maybe a part of me wonders if I should do it, too, if maybe I'll like it, if maybe I'll be good at it. That, and the Halloween lights we did with the kids looked fantastic-it took a lot of time to put up, but I was so damn proud of the work done that it seemed worth it.

This morning in bed (we woke up at 4 am as the thermometer told us that the temperature was freezing. This, so that we could invest in polar gear worthy of the Day After Tomorrow, I guess. And we couldn't go back to sleep afterwards, so we had coffee, a shag, and then a chat. This whole process is to be repeated after I post this. It's a very satisfying day so far.) I told Angus my plans.

"I am going to be the new Martha Stewart." I say. "Except for the insider trading bit, since I find stocks a bit boring."

"What are you talking about?" he asked, his eyebrow raised and his hand on my ass.

"I need to find a craft store." I reply. I show him my sparkly gold magazine and expect him to be wowed. I mean, how can one not be wowed? Dressing for Turkey No Longer to be Boring-Learn How to Create Edible Top Hats for Your Tom Turkey! screams on headline. Create Miniature Icicles For Your Home-All You Need is a Snowblower and an Iron Will! recounts a second. Knit Your Own Homemade 3 Meter Tall Christmas Tree Complete With Evergreen Scent! Advises the third. Help Your Mother-In-Law Forget You're a Homewrecker and Find Natural Herbal Remedies To Survive Christmas! says another.

OK, maybe I am stretching the truth on that last one.

Angus smiles at me. "You don't need a hobby shop." he says. "Just get a coat hanger, some moss from the forest, some fir pine cones, maybe some piano wire with some fresh cuttings of evergreen, and there you have it-a natural wreath."

I stare at him. "Dude, don't stress me out. You lost me at 'coat hanger'."

I hadn't envisioned getting grubby in the woods, you see. In my mind, I was like Martha in the kitchen. "Now this," I would say to an invisible camera while using hot glue to create a wreath made of walnuts, peacock feathers and carabiners, "is a classic American wreath, one favored by the likes of Norman Rockwell in his piece 'Climbing Mount Christmas." I would smile pettily. "Oh, hello Paw Paw!" I would say greeting the Tabby Bomb as she walked into the kitchen. "Here's the homemade set of sugar crystal antlers I created for you!"

I am now rethinking the strategy. I do want to make homemade decorations this Christmas, I do want to learn how to do things. Something tells me Angus is correct, that grubbing around in the forest with some piano wire and a foam cut-out wreath as a pattern is ahead of me.

But until that time comes, at least I have a sparkly gold magazine.

-H.

PS-Off to the brother-in-laws for a Guy Fawkes celebration tonight!

PPS-I owe an apology to Margi and Ilyka. They would talk about Sims 2, and I would think: It's just a game, right? It's a game?

It's more than a game.
It's a way of life.
It's also keeping me from writing.

But Ilyka was perhaps not quite honest-she compared Sims 2 to heroin. It's really more like a heroin-crack-alcohol-sex mixture, one that keeps you hooked and even has you dream about Sims.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:07 AM | Comments (21) | Add Comment
Post contains 1217 words, total size 7 kb.

1 You know, since you've admitted as much I can freely come forth and say: I'm the one you're snickering about at the shops. I'm sooo not organized. Good thing I married Mr. Anal. Oh, and one tip on The Sims: The Sims Resource. I love those guys. Proud member since 2002.

Posted by: Margi at November 05, 2004 09:32 AM (MAdsZ)

2 Well, hell. HTML no workie. http://www.thesimsresource.com/

Posted by: Margi at November 05, 2004 09:33 AM (MAdsZ)

3 Martha Stewart? The Sims? No hard drugs? What's happened here? Have aliens taken Helen. At least there were two shagging mentions in there or I'd be really freaked. I need to find a de-Simmer and get you guys out while there's still time.

Posted by: Simon at November 05, 2004 09:36 AM (FUPxT)

4 *snicker* Methinks Simon is going to "have a moan" with the Maxis folks! Seriously: I put the damned disk away and only play it when I KNOW I have a full day to devote to it. *conspiratorial whisper* Like next week, when the hubby goes off to hunt. For. Three. Days. I'll work, but I'm going to save ONE day for Simming Without Recrimination. (Never fear, animal lover, he basically takes The Boy™ out and they chase deer around and then give up and come home.)

Posted by: Margi at November 05, 2004 09:54 AM (MAdsZ)

5 Simon-Martha Stewart is the less sexy American version of Nigella Lawson. True. And it's also true about the no hard drugs, although I have tried Viagra. That's definitely post-worthy Margi-Just after posting this, I started the game up again. I am only stopping right now to go to the gym-from which stop I am sure that all I will be able to do is think about my Sims family!

Posted by: Helen at November 05, 2004 10:48 AM (hT/v7)

6 Simon, never fear, I think that she also tried to sneak in a pr0n film industry reference by repeating the word: fluff. Otherwise, be careful with that glue gun.

Posted by: RP at November 05, 2004 12:10 PM (X3Lfs)

7 You people are FUNNY

Posted by: Kyle at November 05, 2004 01:29 PM (blNMI)

8 I must confess, that The Sims never got a hold on me. I was pretty much just bored with it. Then again, I think I probably did your share of drugs, in addition to my own, so perhaps my brain has been altered...

Posted by: Easy at November 05, 2004 01:33 PM (U89mk)

9 Since my name is martha I must have a natural talent for crafty things, right??? nope. But this website has stuff for all levels of crafty people. (cuz I know that you can't waste enough time with the Sims and need a few more websites to check out.) http://www.craftster.org/forum/index.php

Posted by: martha at November 05, 2004 01:34 PM (5HJ2h)

10 Step away from the fluff keyboard!! Do it now Helen, before its fluff too late. Today its a funny post that fluff mentions it, tomorrow it will be fluff no post at all, just a "Ah screw those nosey fluff bastards, they can wait". The same can be said for fluff the craft thing as well. Today its an innocent fluff wreath, tomorrow its a house full of dusty fluff homemade figurines littering every flat surface, all of them suffering fluff from neglect because you are glued to some game cconsol. On a lighter note fluff a local radio station proclaimed that Martha Stewart had fluff all ready been approached by "toughs" in prison, and was doing a fluff story on how she was "paying for her protection in jail. Unfortunatly, the fluff tape finished rewinding and I didn't get to hear the details. Great post, had me laughing fluff all the way through =)

Posted by: Dane at November 05, 2004 01:55 PM (ncyv4)

11 Ever since I took her off the bottle, my daughter flat refuses to drink milk. Except for the chocolate variety. But even that I have to force on her. I would like to know one thing though... How on earth do you manage to do the Sims thing, keep a job, a relationship, entertain crafty possibilities, and still have time to come up with all these lovely posts? Please, share you secret! It's drugs, isn't it? ;-)

Posted by: Mick at November 05, 2004 03:00 PM (VhRca)

12 Good for you, make the most out of this season. I'm having a holiday party JUST so I can decorate the house

Posted by: Jadewolff at November 05, 2004 03:06 PM (8MfYL)

13 Dude. My mother went throught that making your own christmas decoration phase. It's cool, but I don't want to be like my mother. Besides, I'm so not crafty. One store. Crate and Barrel. $80 later and I've got a really pretty sparkly tree. "No glue, no mess, just press on." Oh and as for the sims 2. You want to talk crack? The sims resource, well dressed sim dotcom. mmmmm. Throw in a brand spanking new video card and wheeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Posted by: sporty at November 05, 2004 03:15 PM (NsnoE)

14 I'm curious to see which addiction will win out: the alcohol-like addiction of crafts or the crack-like addiction of Sims 2. Place your bets. I'm bettin' on Sims 2 (or is it Sims II?).

Posted by: Solomon at November 05, 2004 03:18 PM (k1sTy)

15 I never got into the Sims much, but My Man loves them. I've seen him get sucked back into the crack house over and over again with that damn game. As for shopping, I too have a plan. I make a list of each person I'm buying for and what I'm buying for them. I also list the best place (if not the exact place) to find each item. I do my shopping the day after Thanksgiving. I take a cab to the mall, which drops me at the door, I shop like a maniac for 2 hours. I start at one end of the mall and finish at the other. I'm in, I'm out. Fast. Easy. And no parking lot woes. It rules. I don't know what I'll do this year, since I have to WORK the stupid day after Thanksgiving. Don't they know they are throwing my whole season out of whack by making me go to work?!?!

Posted by: amy t. at November 05, 2004 04:47 PM (zPssd)

16 Please come do my house after you do yours! Everyone is coming here for Christmas and I've never been good at decorating. I tell Dan our house is feng shui and austure but really, I just can't decorate for crap. Why is it already November? I'M PANICKING HERE! Whose drunken idea was it last year to invite everyone here this year for Christmas? Oh...mine ...right. *winces*

Posted by: Amber at November 05, 2004 05:25 PM (zQE5D)

17 I grew up in a house of creative people. Mom was able to take the Thanksgiving turkey carcass and turn it into soup, placemats and Christmas table centerpiece just by adding some chopped potatoes and twine, as appropriate. Me? I'm still hunting for an affordable tree with the lights built in.

Posted by: Jim at November 05, 2004 05:53 PM (tyQ8y)

18 I'd forgotten how much I like making fudge with FLUFF!!! The fluff, if I recall, also eliminates the need for a candy thermometer.

Posted by: Susan at November 05, 2004 06:24 PM (h4p3o)

19 Is it wrong that the phrases "sugar antlers" and "glue gun" have me thinking all racy and naughty thoughts? Is it? IS IT???? ::pant pant:: Who knew crafty stuff could be so..... *races off to shag CD*

Posted by: Elizabeth at November 05, 2004 06:26 PM (ehQxN)

20 The Sims kill the writing dead. I seem to have flamed out on that game for the moment, but what I found was, nothing would enter my head but ideas for future chapters in the lives of my dorky Sims. "And Gina will marry Kevin when they each become adults, and they'll move into this house and have lots of babies . . . ." Every so often I'd snap out of it just long enough to think, "what am I, SIX? This is Barbies all over again." Mark thinks it's the music, all the background music they use. He thinks they put subliminal messages in it. Complicated ones like, "play Sims."

Posted by: ilyka at November 05, 2004 10:25 PM (i7SJL)

21 just wait till I teach you how to knit your own bitching willie warmer Then you will be able to really put Martha in her place!

Posted by: stinkerbell at November 08, 2004 12:25 PM (kV0EF)

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