In England it's called having a moan. This does not mean having a wild, passionate afternoon of sweaty hair-pulling exquisite sex. It means nagging, complaining. Bitching. Having a go.

The term amuses me, mostly since in my mind it conjures up images of zombies in torn clothes walking up to people and bumping into them slowly, opening their mouth and saying: "Unnnnnnnhhhhhh." That, to me, is moaning at someone. Well, that, and I think of moaning as the wonderful mid-exploration result of some evening action wherein the guy has his head under the covers, munching at the snack bar.

Although Angus uses the term I tend to not use it so much. I do find it appropriate today-I'm not angry or pissed off, just gently annoyed at a few things. So I am taking today to have a moan, thanks.

*****************************

Dear Disney,

Yesterday I had the opportunity to provide you with £15 of my own hard-earned cash for the pleasure of viewing your Princess Diaries II opus. Now, I was accompanied (and, in fact, urged to attend) by my accomplices in this crime, a 12 year-old girl and a 7 year-old boy. All of us generally enjoyed the first Princess Diaries (some, it must be said, more than others) and the trailers looked moderately interesting, albeit extremely offensive to women and the type of crap Hollywood romance that we had all hoped wouldn't exist in Genovia.

But I digress.

I just wanted to tell you that the 12 year old girl was thoroughly and utterly delighted by the cinematic experience, and was as captivated as all little girls are when it comes to princess fairy tales and horses (and for this I am truly grateful-I like it when kids are happy). The 7 year old, however, was so bored that I had to find new and inventive ways to actually keep him in the seat, including using popcorn as a type of weapon, resorting to bribery, and dancing in my seat to lampoonish themes that allow producers like yourselves to inundate the market with further bubble gum pop.

In short-thank you so much, Disney, for making a film that was a complete and utter pile of boring rubbish. I appreciate it, as it makes me appreciate watching water-soluble paint dry more now than I ever did before. And if you ever show trailer clips again that show a young woman forced to marry and fall in love happily ever after within 30 days, I will personally mail you copies of my divorce decrees that prove marriage is hard work and not to be undertaken with cotton candy dreams, and I will sue your sorry asses for emotional damage as my brain cells jump, screaming, from my brain.

Thank you very much for your time. Say hi to the mouse for me.

Regards,
Helen

*****************************

Dear Ulcer,

Fuck off and take the ass bleed with you.

Regards,
The One Whose Stomach You're Living In

*****************************

Dear Karma,

I think we're even now. Honest. I've been doing a lot of investigative journalism and man-on-the-street polling, and I just want you to know that in the cosmic scorecard of the universe, I think we're all good here.

I know that I have done a lot of good and bad in my life, I know that I am to blame for breaking up a family and believe me-I feel bad about it. But maybe taking my common-law partner's children Christmas shopping yesterday and not only helping them to find Christmas presents for my partner's ex-wife, but buying them too, is a whole new level of "I'm OK, You're OK." I should actually mention, Karma, that I am not too bothered about it and am simply happy that the children feel good about the presents they are giving and are happy that the shopping is all done, and in some sort of weird fit of altruism, I do honestly hope that the ex will be pleased with the gifts her kids got for her. It's just maybe proof that you are evening the score if I am buying gifts for the ex, that's all.

I also have figured out the score on what it's like to be a sort-of step-parent, so you can go ahead and stop kicking my ass about how mean I was towards my step-parents at various times in their lives. I totally get it now, I know it's not always easy, and apologies have been issued. So thanks for that.

Finally, Karma-thanks for the gorgeous little boy hugs I have been getting all week. There is nothing in the world like a little figure hurtling onto your lap and rearranging your arms to comfort their pointy bottoms. My faulty woman plumbing and I thank you for the time you've spent helping me to understand this.

Checkmate,
Helen

*****************************

Dear Man on the Train Next to Me,

Dude, let's talk. If you're getting on the fast train into London first thing in the morning, you need to understand that people are going to be in a hurry and are going to get narked at your assing around with your enormous briefcase and carry-on bag, all the while juggling a cup of coffee. Seriously. Just get on the fucking train.

So I help you on and help you settle in, and what thanks do I get? I get covered in a fog of ancient cigarette smoke and cheapest nastiest whiskey possible to buy. A stench so bad I had to keep my head turned to the side to make sure the remnants of last night's dinner stay in the digestional tract. Man...you can wear all the suit and tie combos you want, if you have a funk settled around you like a fog, ain't nobody going to take you seriously in a meeting. You were funky.

It's called a bath. It's fat-free, calorie free, and may help you recover from that hangover. Or, if I may, maybe you should stay home after a real bender. If you do, my blistering painful ulcer and my sense of smell will thank you.

Thanks For Your Attention,
The Chick Wishing for a Clothespin For Her Nose

*****************************

Dear Reality,

If you bitchslap me again, I'm going to start tripping on a mixture of cranberry dust and fabric softener, I swear. I have so had enough of you. I know you think you're in charge, but just know this-I'm on to you. I know that you lurk out there, as evidenced by the 6 voice mails in my phone I can't be bothered with dealing with, as proof from my to-do list that never seems to get any shorter.

O-ho yes. I know your game. You have us all thinking that life is the Officer and a Gentleman moment where the guy is dressed in a sexy uniform and carries us off into the sunset. The truth is, the next morning they woke up with hangovers and after he got up and used the toilet, she was revolted by the fact that what comes out of his ass isn't lemon fresh, it's more like the slap in the face that only gas can give you. The truth is that guy took his factory lady to base housing, where she then became distanced and bored by being a military wife. That's what happens when the sun rises the next morning. Oh sure-you can have a Hollywood romance-after all, I have one-but it's still marked by reality, where there is laundry to be done, the other person is exposed to my scary menstruation granny panties, and sometimes neither person can be bothered to cook so you munch on bread and cheese.

I also know how you prey on our dreams of romance. I see Melissa look at pictures in her teen magazine, I hear her gush about Orlando Bloom. The truth is, if Orlando Bloom came near her I would fight him off with a fire poker and cut off his Sampson ringlets, then I'd sew her shut and put her in a bubble in an effort to keep her safe, to keep her sweet, to keep her innocent, and to keep her protected from you. From Reality. From the big nasty scary world that she is going have to explode into someday.

Because in the bottom of my heart, I want to protect the innocence of youth as long as it's there. There is time enough for her to know the pain of what "I'll be in touch." means from a guy. It will happen someday that she asks her boyfriend what he's thinking about, and the answer hurts her. It's likely she'll feel like another cog in the corporate wheel someday. I may not know what it's like to be that pure and good inside, but know this, Reality-for now, I am going to keep you at bay. You don't get to have this little girl right now.

The Chick You Constantly Hurt,
Helen

*****************************

Dear Father Time,

You're a real shit, you know that? You never, ever work with me. Ever. When I am on holiday swimming in the water with the love of my life, you make the time go double-speed. When I am in meetings, you slow every grain of sand tinkling into that hourglass go in slow motion, causing me to actually internally hemorrhage from sheer boredom.

And above all you took away some time from me this morning, when all I wanted was to spend time touching and marvelling at the beautiful warm shape that is Angus' leg while he slept in bed. I wanted to trace the thigh muscles and spread the fine leg hairs in between my fingers, I wanted to ease my lips up the strong and gorgeous inside of his leg and see how long it took him to wake up. I wanted to lead up to the other type of moaning, you know, the good kind.

But no. You had to be a fucknut and make me get out of bed to catch the train to London, and come to work.

Thanks, man.

Helen

*****************************

Got a moan? Leave it in the comments-I hate feeling alone. There is strength in numbers.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 12:47 PM | Comments (32) | Add Comment
Post contains 1714 words, total size 9 kb.

1 My moan is staying up late to see who won the presidential election here in America and wake up in the morning realizing I could have just slept for the 3 damn hours I stayed up.... wow, that felt good.

Posted by: Rebecca at November 03, 2004 01:20 PM (ZHfdF)

2 See Rebecca? I'm telling you...sometimes moaning is just what the doctor ordered!

Posted by: Helen at November 03, 2004 01:22 PM (dKPoa)

3 In the famous words of Madame Blueberry (A Veggie Tales character), who initially was a very blue (sad) berry, "A thankful heart is a happy heart." No time for Solomon to be moaning...too busy being thankful Now that I've offered my dissenting view, moan on, my friends, moan on

Posted by: Solomon at November 03, 2004 01:37 PM (k1sTy)

4 Dear Georgia's 4th Congressional District, I know that you are heavily Democratic. I know that you are heavily minority. I know that the things you want and need are on a different part of the scale from the things that I want and need. But still - Cynthia McKinney? Again? Now I get to spend the next two years apologizing to the rational world and trying to explain that we are not all imbeciles here in the south as you've put the biggest racist bigot next to David Duke back into the US Congress. Thanks a lot, Jim Peacock Presidential Candidate, 2008

Posted by: Jim at November 03, 2004 01:42 PM (tyQ8y)

5 Dear General Mills, I know you changed the recipe for BooBerry, FrankenBerry and Count Chocola. I'm not stupid. Now, just change it back, please!

Posted by: Lindsay at November 03, 2004 02:05 PM (srIAp)

6 Dear spammers; Ohio voters, FOAD. Many thanks, Angel

Posted by: angel at November 03, 2004 03:06 PM (josQf)

7 Dear 51% of the American electorate: It's good to see that in the face of a sputtering economy and a misguided war, I'm certainly glad that you voted for the person who most closely matched your morals. Hope the morals keep you warm in the unemployment line. Z

Posted by: Z. Hendirez at November 03, 2004 03:08 PM (djkkI)

8 Dear Majority of Tweeners and Southern Americans: @!#$^$@!$@#% (Sorry, Helen, I'm just not in the mood to type anything witty, although your moans were very wry and funny and made me smile for the first time today, thanks)

Posted by: Amber at November 03, 2004 03:44 PM (zQE5D)

9 Dear Everybody in America who is Bitching about the Election: Stop it. Did you all really think it was going to change anything? Even if Kerry wins, he is working with a mostly conservative house and senate. Nothing is going to get done. He couldn't end the war today, or anything else that you wanted. I guess its just a matter of what talking head you want to stare at for the next four years. America spoke. We want to stare at Bush some more. Kerry scared us, here in the heartland. We aren't stupid, uncultured, or any of the adjectives that I have heard to describe people of conservative persuasions this morning. Love, Tami PS - What is up with the eleven states that shot down gay marriage? Also, does anybody else see the historical irony of Utah voting down anything that has anything to do with an alternate type of marriage? Yeah. Me too.

Posted by: Tami at November 03, 2004 03:59 PM (r+S4w)

10 Angel, Lindsay-Amen. Tami-all I have to say is this: Oregon can no longer be called the Beaver State. (Hey! You're just annoyed you didn't think of it first!)

Posted by: Helen at November 03, 2004 04:16 PM (G8ht1)

11 Dear U.S. Voting Public, What the fuck were you thinking? Sincerely, Nicole Dear Migraine, I'm not sure why you've chosen to visit today, but I believe your visa has expired so you will have to leave the left side of my head immediately. If you should choose to remain, I assure you that I will wholeheartedly seek revenge with powerful drugs purchased to destroy you. -Nicole

Posted by: the girl at November 03, 2004 04:26 PM (s67Kt)

12 Given the influence of the US, everybody in the world should vote. Anyway, couldn´t call it unexpected (stolen from the title of a Elvis Costello song...). Miguel.

Posted by: msd at November 03, 2004 04:42 PM (t+5vi)

13 Oh to funny! I'm not sure what is better, Helens post or some of the comments on here. Thanks for the laughs all!

Posted by: justme at November 03, 2004 04:54 PM (zdtiB)

14 Dear America, Listen to Tami and shut the fuck up already! Signed, I voted for Kerry, but you don't hear me bitching. Dear Cold, Please stop stuffing up my nose. Please stop making me cough up a lung. Signed, Pass the Kleenex.

Posted by: Theresa at November 03, 2004 05:18 PM (oOm0R)

15 Dear Bush Supporters Your candidate has won and I agree to give him a second chance and try to work together as Americans. However if I hear any gloating I will pull all the states that did vote for him and form our own country leaving you and the rest of your conservative right wing christian selves to form the next west virginia. Sincerly one sad New Yorker

Posted by: drew at November 03, 2004 05:26 PM (CBlhQ)

16 Dear One Sad New Yorker, As a proud native West Virginian AND conservative voter who has zero ties to 'right wing christians' , you and your ilk can take your backhanded insults, quite obviously formed from a position of ingnorance about your chosen subject targets, and tuck them away with your bitter divisiveness. Then you can swallow them whole in one tasty pill. And don't call me in the morning. To the political pundits of all stripes: It's over. Let's hope you can gather your wits about you long enough to realize that the productive, meaningful, and necessary thing to do now is look forward and move on. There are more important things to do than whine, malign, gloat, or stew just about now. Sincerely, An Apparent Appalachian Radical

Posted by: Jennifer at November 03, 2004 05:45 PM (jl9h0)

17 To the idiot in the White House, and all those who voted for him: Same story, different verse: I'll just declare victory with 269 electoral votes.... hmmm, sounds like the entry into Iraq all over again. How disheartening to realize that more people in America like this dolt and his policies, than those who want a change for the better. Cheers to Z.

Posted by: Annette at November 03, 2004 06:25 PM (1NG+a)

18 Dear An Apparent Appalachian Radical The west virginia remark was in refrence to how that part of virginia seperated from virginia to show it support of President Lincoln at the time. It was not ment to be any social or economic slight on your state. Sincerly, New York

Posted by: drew at November 03, 2004 06:44 PM (CBlhQ)

19 You Northerners had your chance to be rid of the South 140 years ago, and you blew it; so you only have your forefathers to blame for Bush getting re-elected Annette - it works every time Next time, we're going to declare victory after 100 electoral votes Besides, Kerry conceded. Sorry Miguel, we have a hard enough time regulating American voters

Posted by: Solomon at November 03, 2004 06:47 PM (t5Pi1)

20 Dear Sinus Infection/Cold/Whateverthehellyouare: Go away, already! You ruined my weekend, my birthday, and the chance at some of the other kind of moan-inducing delirium. Had Enough, Scorpy Dear Beloved: Thank you for coming home, warming the bed, and being available for the goodbye kiss of a morning. Now... could you get out of bed and do something? Or, even, ignore the sniffles coming from my side of the bed and... do something? Grateful but grated on, Scorpy Dear Employer: Thank you for the pay, it's probably more than I deserve. But let's all pad our bonus checks and either give me something to do or allow me to leave (without pay) so I can do something constructive, instead of insisting I remain within this Corporate America structure from hell! Sitting on my thumbs, Scorpy Thanks, Helen! This is theraputic. I may be back!

Posted by: scorpy at November 03, 2004 06:47 PM (mFpur)

21 Dear Faith-based Community, You ignorant close-minded freaks, YOU CAN'T NOT "BELIEVE IN" FACTS. Dear Me, Get up from the pity pot and find some way, ANY way, to face this dark day.

Posted by: koppar at November 03, 2004 06:53 PM (Qx+ll)

22 It's not that we don't believe in facts, it's that some facts/issues are more important than others: economic prosperity - important; protecting the sanctity of marriage - more important; MAYBE pulling out of Iraq quicker - important; protecting the unborn - more important. Ignorant? I'm as knowledgeable on the issues as the next guy. Close minded? I prioritize issues differently. Patient? I didn't respond with insults as you did. Sympathetic? I had to deal with losses in '92 and '96...I know how you feel. Freak? Not sure I can deny that one

Posted by: Solomon at November 03, 2004 07:41 PM (t5Pi1)

23 Ohh helen I love you! I am soo pissed about the election results I have been crying all morning, coupled with my brother informing me he is moving away, it is just too much for me today. Post-hysterectomy hormones out of whack for sure. Dobermanmom...

Posted by: Cheryl at November 03, 2004 07:49 PM (/kuVz)

24 Dear People Telling Others to Shut Up, Ugh. Helen told us to moan, complain, bitch...it's allowed. Let have us have our day to feel the pain of a major loss. It hurts. We'll move on. But we have to grieve first. I'm not sorry about that. Sincerely, Feeling Blue Dear girl at work who throws up in plastic bags, Please stop hurting yourself. I don't know how to help you, but it's killing me to watch you self-destruct. Sincerely, Nanny who's having a rough day Dear Dominoes, How did you find a way to cram more cheese into a pizza? And why does it taste so good? Damn you! Sincerely, Late night pizza eater

Posted by: kat at November 03, 2004 08:22 PM (QkuGS)

25 Dear New York, Please pardon my over defensive knee jerk reaction, in that case. I should have inferred as much. A thousand times bitten, twice shy, if you know what I mean. Dear Self, Lighten up. Sincerely, A Contrite and Tired No Longer Appalachian Moderate Interested Party

Posted by: Jennifer at November 03, 2004 08:36 PM (jl9h0)

26 Dear George Idiot Bush, Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you. I hate you. You're ignorant. You're a spoiled little boy in need of a good spanking, and no, I'm not being kinky. You are treating our country like a big ole fraternity, and the people are your little pledges. Well, I don't want to take it up the ass anymore. You suck at running the country. You've tanked our economy. Thanks to you, the US is now pretty much a facist country, and you've regressed everything we've done to make progress and taken us right back to the dark ages. You say you give tax breaks, you say you 'gave' people that 'extra' refund check when it wasn't time for it, but you and I both know that it was then taken out of the regular tax refund. I just wish all the people who voted for you could see your brilliant 'one fingered victory salute'. You're such a 'winner'. Can you just cease to exist now, please? Fucking 7 trillion dollar deficit. And for WHAT??????? Fuck. Fuck Fuck Fuck. apparently unimportant peon whose vote doesn't count for SHIT

Posted by: apparently unimportant peon at November 03, 2004 09:21 PM (8ePZ6)

27 Dear right wing, religious fanatic conservatives, I will not let you take my rights from me just b/c you will soon control the presidency, senate, house AND the supreme court and all sense of "checks and balances" has been removed from our governmental system. Sincerely, Woman Scowling Down on the Front Row

Posted by: kalisah at November 03, 2004 11:24 PM (Asbv8)

28 Dear Mr Luck, I think it's time for you to move out. The house water pump last week was annoying but survivable. The truck fuel pump yesterday was expensive but survivable. If these things do come in threes, I'd like you to vacate? I think I'd like to spend more time with your cousin, Good, if I can pry him away from Boston sports fans.

Posted by: Rob at November 04, 2004 01:51 AM (7Fsrm)

29 moan... i'm busy writing a moaning post on my blog. So much to say and it's not coming out coherently. dear brain, please allow me to write coherently about subjects that tie my intestines in knots of fear... m

Posted by: martha at November 04, 2004 01:57 PM (5HJ2h)

30 Dear Durham, Please let it not totally suck working in downtown Durham. Please let my car not get vandelized (like it did when I actually lived in Durham) and please let me not get lost in the stupid one way roads that downtowns are full of. Atleast let me not get lost too many times.. Thanks

Posted by: Erin at November 04, 2004 01:57 PM (KYrs1)

31 Damn. Yesterday was open letter day. I do like the term having a moan though. It sounds so. shi shi poo poo. I can hear it in my head in that thick English accent.

Posted by: sporty at November 04, 2004 07:01 PM (NsnoE)

32 Moan = Good, unburdening, relieves the soul, usually warranted (see that can apply to both kinds ) Whinge = bad, makes others feel depressed, usually unwarranted, close relative to Nag. I think your moan timing was perfect to help others release their pent up frustration about the election. Mine would Dear Art of procrastination, Leave me alone, there is so much stuff that I need to do and when you come to visit I have an OK time, but the after effects make me feel like crap. Go affect someone else, I have other things to do.. oh look, "the swan" has just started, maybe I'll watch that first.....

Posted by: sasoozie at November 05, 2004 10:30 AM (H8Lg2)

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