A short diversion from the Greek recap, if you don't mind.

One year ago I had a very bad day (you won't find it in my archives as I have deleted it). In fact I had a no-good, rotten very bad day, the kind of which you realize that getting out of bed was a simple waste of calories. It was a major day and it should have been a triumph. What instead transpired was something straight out of a Greek tragedy (only none of my family members were blinding or marrying each other, so really, maybe I shouldn't complain.)

All because I x'ed when I should have y'ed.

One year ago I was degraded and humiliated. I went to work in a smart, clean tailored dress and business jacket, heels and make-up that could be paired with the word "effort", and I left a bitter ball. I threw the dress away and haven't worn heels to work since. I was in fact so stressed and upset that I rid my closet of any clothes that could be even remotely construed as provocative.

I hadn't been back to that place since, that place of feeling like I could show off any part of me. While it's not wise to do so in the workplace and I completely accept that, as an engineer, wet T-shirts and Daisy Dukes are not in my appropriate work ensemble (and they have never been part of my home ensemble either, actually), my new "I'm Amish, Why Aren't You?" philosophy has also extended to my personal life, and short dresses and any hints of skin went by the wayside. I was made to feel ashamed of myself because of how I looked. I didn't want personal reminders of it. I remembered the burning shock of being reduced to "just a woman" all too clearly.

So there we were in Santorini. Santorini was the second half of the holiday, the first half being in the warm and kind island of Crete. I had begun to chill out, and I needed it-recently work has hit new lows. I have a tic in my left eyelid again that throbs obviously when I get stressed. Tic tic tic tic tic I have 2500 emails. Tic tic tic tic tic I have to deal with that guy again. I managed to put it behind me in Crete, the work blended away and the eye resumed its normal ocular duties, only I woke up once in a panic and there it was-tic tic tic tic tic.

I had been having a nightmare about work. The tic even follows me when I sleep. My nice Dr. Henry tells me the tic is stress induced, and I think he's right.

It isn't too far-fetched to be extra-stressed and having nightmares, as a few days before we went on holiday I was betrayed by someone in the company. He let me take all the blame and attack for something which was not my team's fault, and when I logically and professionally outlined why the assumptions that my team made a mistake were faulty, he lept on the bandwagon of proportioning out blame. It was then I saw that the soup of the day was Scape of the Goat, and I was served up with a dollop of creme fraiche and some croutons.

Tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic went into overdrive.

I forced myself to not think about it.

I mostly succeeded, but when I failed, there it was-tic tic tic.

And so it was that we went into a shop in Oia, a fantastic little shop with fantastic little things, and I saw a fantatic little dress on the fantastic little shelf. I went for the long floor version of it, until Angus asked me why didn't I try on the short one? The short one, a nice A-line number with a shorter inside lining that doesn't hug the body tightly but looks cute?

My God. The short one was so short. So short that people....people would see me. Angus looked confused. "I don't understand what the problem is?" he asked. "You look fucking great."

"It's so short," I whisper. "I used to like my long legs showing but now...after last year, it's too hard."

"It's not like you'll wear this dress to work, babe," Angus replies. He's right, and the idea never even crossed my mind. But the problem is, it never occurred to me that I could be myself outside of work, either. I try the dress on. There is indeed more of me showing than I have had in a while. It is a lovely color and is not see through save for a small strip at the very bottom of the hem (well below the Magic Zone, which is safely ensconsed. Abracadabra.). Despite my nervousness, I buy the dress.

I am not a beautiful woman. I am average, and in being average I take great comfort. But I wore that dress the next day and I was amazed at how beautiful I could feel.

I realized that none of it is worth it-the tic tic tic tic tic. The stress. The inability to feel like I am worthy of anything, even after I work my ass off. My loyalty to my team is fierce but it cannot be what holds me here.

I wear my dress, and remember what it is like to feel good about myself in whatever small ways I can.

It is absolutely not suitable for work, but it is perfect for a summer barbecue or a walk on a Grecian island.

I wear my dress and my phone rang while I was there-it was the one call I did take. I had applied for an internal job, a large promotion in another area, away from rocket-riding gerbils. They wanted to interview me. They liked the sound
of me.

I have my interview this morning.

I am done with feeling bad.

-H.

PS-it is also my three year anniversary of blogging today. How's that for big days?

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 06:22 AM | Comments (28) | Add Comment
Post contains 1030 words, total size 6 kb.

1 Congrats on all fronts (and backs) and btw you look fantastic...gorgeous in fact. Angus you lucky dog!

Posted by: J.M at June 15, 2006 05:48 AM (k3v0Q)

2 H- Haven't been by in a long time, but TRUST ME, you look great. Big congrats on the third anniversary, by the way! Keep it up. Here's lookin' at you kid!

Posted by: Mike the Marine at June 15, 2006 06:13 AM (cqMDs)

3 You look fab!!! And Happy 3rd!

Posted by: Mia at June 15, 2006 07:28 AM (AKz0y)

4 I'm glad you got your confidence back. You look terrific And congrats on three years. I'll be back to read more.

Posted by: Freeman at June 15, 2006 08:19 AM (Ied9j)

5 You look great in the dress - take that feeling into your interview. Good luck!

Posted by: Hannah at June 15, 2006 08:26 AM (5w+E2)

6 Don't let the b@stards get you down! The dress looks great and so do you. Good luck in your interview and congrats on 3 years!

Posted by: Lee at June 15, 2006 08:49 AM (PYZOC)

7 I am so glad you bought the dress, yay for feeling fab! As for the interview - as always i am hoping and praying it all works out for you. You deserve to feel good about yourself Abs x

Posted by: fairyabs at June 15, 2006 08:51 AM (jtHYb)

8 It always amazes me, how statements by jerks can remain with us. i am over twice your age and it still happens. I also still remember crappy remarks made long ago. I would love to know why this is so. Ask your Dr.

Posted by: iowaslovak at June 15, 2006 10:49 AM (Ad7AA)

9 Knock 'em dead at the interview. I've got all my fingers and toes crossed that you can get the hell away from rocket riding gerbil. Love the dress. It looks fab on you!

Posted by: selzach at June 15, 2006 12:02 PM (BnxkA)

10 That dress is adorable! It looks great on you. Hope the interview went/goes well! Good luck!

Posted by: Erin at June 15, 2006 12:40 PM (zw8QA)

11 You look beautiful in that dress! Best of luck with the interview!

Posted by: mingaling at June 15, 2006 12:55 PM (9Qui6)

12 That dress, and your legs, are gorgeous. Hope your interview was a smash.

Posted by: karmajenn at June 15, 2006 12:56 PM (fx1A8)

13 You are too beautiful, you are not average. And that dress looks f-ing amazing on you! Best of luck on your interview!

Posted by: donna at June 15, 2006 01:14 PM (NE4w6)

14 Congratulations on the dress & the interview

Posted by: cursingmama at June 15, 2006 01:39 PM (PoQfr)

15 you look fabulous in that dress and I'm so glad you didn't pass it up!!

Posted by: kalisah at June 15, 2006 02:25 PM (L4c0a)

16 I would kill for your legs! I'm glad you got a bit of your confidence back. I can especially identify with internalizing insults this week, as I internalized a big one last weekend. I'm sending positive interview vibes your way, but by now the interview is over, so it could be a moot point. Doesn't matter though, I know you'll knock their socks off!

Posted by: amy t. at June 15, 2006 02:53 PM (zPssd)

17 The dress looks great on you and seemed perfect for you Greecian trip. Good luck on the interview and happy 3rd!

Posted by: Abbey at June 15, 2006 03:06 PM (snSBc)

18 Yay! You look maaaavalous! Gives me the inspiration to show my knees!

Posted by: Kat at June 15, 2006 03:44 PM (C4T5q)

19 You look amazing, sweetie! That dress is so pretty! And good luck with the interview AND a happy blogiversary!!

Posted by: Lisa at June 15, 2006 03:53 PM (c3Jds)

20 You are so far from average, Helen. You are abso-fucking-lutely flippin' gorgeous - especially in that dress! I hope that the interview went well. You deserve it! (at this point I am using far too many !!! erp)

Posted by: Michele at June 15, 2006 04:59 PM (5VGFA)

21 You look f*cking fabulous and that dress is an AWESOME color for you. Good luck with the interview! You deserve the best!

Posted by: caltechgirl at June 15, 2006 06:16 PM (/vgMZ)

22 Wow, has it really been three years? Who knew you had that much to say? Happy Blog Anniversary!!!

Posted by: Halo at June 15, 2006 06:30 PM (wypb3)

23 kick it H... KICK IT

Posted by: stinkerbell at June 15, 2006 07:25 PM (p6odB)

24 Beautiful: YES. To be beautiful is average. The more faces one averages the more beautiful the result. Proven many times. Therefore I declare you very very average. By defination you are beautful and your beauty (inner and outer) lifts the dress out of its inherent ordinariness. The combination of Helen and dress is awe inspiring.

Posted by: Foggy at June 15, 2006 08:10 PM (WlHuv)

25 You won't get any complaints from me about the dress. Or the sunglasses. I doubt Angus would complain either. Looks like he's got plenty to be thankful for.

Posted by: diamond dave at June 15, 2006 09:46 PM (ZCnB7)

26 All I can say is HOT! Good luck at your interview.

Posted by: Dave T at June 15, 2006 11:19 PM (hkvGr)

27 Nice dress mate, looking good! Hope the interview went well, and congrats on the three years. You are a great writer and I love reading your entries. If everyone could please join me in standing up and clapping?

Posted by: amanda at June 16, 2006 12:13 AM (cqrWD)

28 Love the dress!

Posted by: Donna at June 18, 2006 03:27 PM (2r5TM)

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