A long time ago, I was one seriously jealous chick.

Really.

I remember being eaten up with jealousy and envy. The 7 Deadly Sins had nothing on me. My insides got eaten up with hideous jealousy, to the point where I was a control freak.

The biggest point I remember being jealous was with Kim-I was almost mental with insecurity and resentment. Kim had a lot of female friends, and although it's true, he did wind up cheating on me with one of them, I viewed them all as the enemy. I had to be on my guard. I had to watch everything. It got to where I was dangerous-I would listen to his answering machine, I would search his closets. I was way out of control.

When we split I realized that I couldn't spend my life that way. Jealousy is an emotion that takes enormous chunks out of your soul, it's a feeling that eats away inside like a caustic chemical, burning out parts of you as you go. I learnt that the price I paid for jealousy was too high-not only was I rewarded with my greatest fear of him cheating, but it became one of the worst parts of me, something that I was least proud of.

I didn't want to be that person anymore.

So I stopped.

Honestly. I just stopped.

From then on, I wasn't remotely jealous about people in my boyfriends' lives. They want other people in their lives? Cool. Those people of the opposite sex? Whatever. Go to dinner, have a drink, enjoy. Fuck them and I'm leaving you, but unless you give me a reason to believe you're cheating it's not going to cross my mind for a moment. I'm not spinning another wheel on jealousy, I'm not dwelling in the House of the Paranoid ever again. I may dial up the crazy in other ways, but I'm not going to be jealous.

Angus and I have a very, very honest and open relationship (by open I mean communicative, not "shagging our way through Britain one person at a time" open). One of our early foundations in who we are is that we told each other everything. For the first time in my life, I had someone that I let it all out to. No one got that before, not even Kim. We told each other everything, from the hopes and dreams to fears to where we had grievously sinned. Nowadays sometimes our communication takes a hit, sometimes some subjects are so prickly that it does damage the ability to drag everything into the open. It used to sadden me terribly, but now I just think that life is like that-maybe some feelings are too raw to drag out until the edges become a little bit buffed. But in general, he's the one who knows me more than I know myself.

Which is why I was shocked that he recently mused I was jealous about something.

Angus has an old friend from when he was in school. He's one of those lucky sods that didn't spend his life moving around, his childhood friends are still his friends, and probably always will be. At this little school he had a friend named Jill, and in a strange coincidence, they met up at a school reunion about 10 years ago and discovered they were both living in Stockholm with their spouses and kids. They reunited their friendship and have remained friends since.

Jill and Angus both divorced about the same time, and although she disapproved of me in the beginning, she doesn't seem to mind that I'm around now and in fact he says she speaks highly of me these days. They talk fairly regularly, especially when she's going through a new relationship crisis which seems to happen about every 10 minutes or so.

And the truth is, I don't like Jill.

I never have.

It started when I first met her and Angus and I had an argument that we both handled very badly, and it's continued since then.

I don't for one minute think there's something naughty going on. Trust me when I say that I have zero doubt they're not having an affair. They're good friends and they like each other alot, but I don't need Angus to tell me that sex isn't an option (which he has told me, anyway), it's clear that there is nothing even vaguely romantic between them, nor could there be. They may be friends but you can tell they'd probably kill each other if they were romantic.

My dislike for Jill isn't something I really talk about. It does happen in relationships, I'm sure we often dislike one of our partner's friends (I have a female friend Angus doesn't like, so I guess we're even.) But since that meeting a long time ago, she simply rubbed me the wrong way and stayed in that sandpaper position.

When Angus went to Stockholm a few weeks ago he stayed with her and her kids in the evening (staying at the former marital home wasn't an option, which I think all parties are relieved about.) While there Jill mentioned she and the kids are coming to London this week, could they stay with us? Seeing as Angus had just crashed at her pad, it was hardly possible to say no.

So they're coming.

They were due to come on Tuesday, but my family was here until Wednesday. So they arrive tonight and stay until Saturday. Jill has three kids, one of them who is sweet and friendly, the other two for whom the word "tornado" was invented-the youngest is just a handful, the eldest ranges from "offensively rude" to "incredibly sweet" in a matter of seconds (unless something has changed-I haven't seen them since last year so maybe they're no longer like that.)

I'm not looking forward to it. I'd take an herbal tranquilizer, but that's not a good idea. Instead I'm going to face it head on.

One night in bed a while back, Angus said that he thought I was jealous of Jill. I scoffed. Ridiculous! I don't do jealous! There's nothing to be jealous of! Jealousy is an outdated emotion! Acceptance is the new black!

Then, with time and a little thought, I realized that he was right.

I am jealous.

I don't feel the need to check his collars for lipstick or to guard my heart. I don't worry that she's coming along in an attempt to steal him, I don't want to religiously check his behavior.

But they have a different relationship than I understand, and it does upset me.

In the UK friends use very derisive humor with each other. You take the piss out of someone that you like (and you simply abuse those you don't.) As friends, she speaks to him in ways that I would not only dream of talking to him in, but in ways that I'm not allowed to talk to him.

Everyone has trigger points, the things that make us blow up. Everyone's are different. For me, if you hang up the phone on me you'd better plan on never speaking to me again, because I find it pretty unforgivable (but that hasn't stopped Angus once or twice from doing it to me.) If you attack the fact that I have a mental illness in a negative way, you'd better be prepared to throw down. If you're teasing me about being an American, that's one thing. If you're having an unwarranted go at my country, that's another.

For Angus, he has a few key flashpoints. One of them is when something is imposed upon him-it can be anything from getting a parking ticket to someone imposing their opinion on him. One of this other triggers is when you tell him what he should think or do - he doesn't like that, and while I understand that, I do sometimes struggle with it, as you have to explain perceptions to him carefully, i.e. "I think you're doing X" as opposed to "You're doing X" in an argument.

Through the years we've been together we've learnt what each others triggers are and we carefully try to work through them. It doesnt' mean we both don't fuck up from time to time, but I know that there are parameters I should work in with him, just as he has ways he has to handle me (the words "kid gloves" apply here.)

For Jill, she gets to blow down all the barn doors. She can talk to him however she wants and it's ok. I know Angus disagrees with me, but I've seen her commit the cardinal sin of telling Angus what he thinks and he didn't get angry. And I'll be honest-on reflection, I realized that I resent that horribly. Why do I have to be so careful with what I say and she can just let loose? Maybe the truth is, they just have a different relationship-as school friends, they can be disrespectful but lovers, well...you have to respect and care more. But still-it makes me angry. It makes me angrier still when I think she's being downright rude, teasing him about weight or grey hair or the like.

But my biggest issue, I have realized, is so embarrassing I can hardly believe it.

The entire time I have known Angus there is one thing I can count on him for-if we are at a party or an event or in a crowded room, he will be looking out for me. He will be around me, sparkling, caring. This sounds incredibly smug and I really don't mean it that way, but I know that in a room full of people chances are his eyes will be on me. Which makes me feel amazing and alive, especially since my eyes are always on him. We're both so transparent it's sad, but it's one of our things-apparently our eyes sparkle around each other, and for once I don't mind sounding a little My Little Pony.

But when Jill's around, his attention is on her. Not in a sparly eye kind of way, but perhaps in a "she makes me laugh and is a good mate" kind of way. The past few events we've had that she's been to, I've barely seen Angus. Again, I'm sure there's no hanky panky going on, but I have understood my biggest issue-

When she's around, I'm not the center of his world.

I can't tell you how embarrassed I am at how pathetic and needy that sounds.

Here are my insecurities playing out on a global scale. I am jealous all over again, and all because I'm not the center of his attention for one evening. It's like I'm a fucking four year-old all over again, demanding the grown-ups pay attention to ME ME ME.

Angus and I talked about this, and he's apologized for not being more attentive and says he'll rectify that. For my part, I've got some work to do, and I apologized to him for that. I hate feeling this way, and I need to stop it. This is wrong, it's not healthy.

So they arrive tonight. I'm not looking forward to it but I'm glad Angus will see his old friend. I guess a part of me sort of wishes I could hop out of myself for the evening, but for better or for worse I can't do that anymore.

I honestly believe that even if it weren't for my childish insecurities I still wouldn't really care for Jill (but of course, I would tell myself that). She's really isn't the kind of person I usually get on with, her personality kinda' grates on me. I wouldn't be rude to her, I'll be polite, but I still can't escape from the fact that I'm not a good person inside when she's around.

But that's my problem.

I may be off the suicide list, but apparently I still have more work to do on the jealousy list, and I can't express how ashamed I am to admit that.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:45 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
Post contains 2032 words, total size 11 kb.

1 I have been married for almost 33 years (to the same man) and have got there by the following rules. 1. You don't have to like your partner's friends - male or female. 2. No-one should be more important to him than you - especially a female friend. 3. I don't believe a man and a woman can be 'just close friends' it's not normal. I'd be suspicious. I hope this helps you realise you're not mad feeling a tad jealous!

Posted by: Akelamalu at April 05, 2007 10:24 AM (VIzvX)

2 Oh no-I swear I do believe he's just friends. I do think that men and women can be friends, it just has to be carefully managed. I have a movie buddy, a great guy, and we get on great. There isn't a single chance ever in it becoming remotely romantic, he's a close friend. Since I have close guy friends, I think it's possible for Angus to have girl friends. But I do like your rules number 1 and 2, Akelamalu.

Posted by: Helen at April 05, 2007 10:28 AM (0DEpm)

3 Well I agree with both of you lol. I think it is easier for a female to have a male friend than a male to have a female friend when they are both in a relationship with someone. I honestly think females(friend or girlfriend) for some hormonal? lol reason are just more jealous than men tend to be for some reason. I have been in this situation myself. To long to explain it, and this is Helen's blog LOL. The carefully managing statement is spot on! Angus is one smart guy to have seen it and talked to you about it! He/men should be aware on even the smallest of jealousies, I think it helps keep them at bay.

Posted by: justme at April 05, 2007 10:59 AM (4L54J)

4 There are several women that I was friends with in high school that are still friends 20+ years later. That being said I think that what you're feeling is normal. As long as you understand the feeling and don't deny it you can deal with it. Good luck this week.

Posted by: ~Easy at April 05, 2007 11:09 AM (G5FSP)

5 It's like you tore a page out of my lifebook, changed the names, changed the country and VOILA. I too had significant jealousy issues until about 5 years ago. I woke up one morning, hungover, embarassed and decided to change. And I did and it's been great, mostly. It really was that simple. I now choose to react differently to things. That being said however, my husband MD has two best girlfriends from time spend in University. They stood by one another through thick and thin (and many other things including attempted romance )...and it (not so secretly) kinda kills me inside every time they get together...not because I think he's going to leave me (they can have him) but because they have a bond that I'll never be able to crack and they are his "buddies"....I get overly needy when they are around...and I find him to be overly assholish and insensitive when they are around...it's a problem... We deal with it one visit at a time....and then one day at a time. We've agreed that I'll never HAVE to be comfortable around them....but that he's ALWAYS going to have to remember that although he doesn't need to coddle me (despite my requested attempts) I still am his wife and that my feelings count at the end of the day.... It's not easy though....so I bid you good luck...and may lots of good guilty food be handy in your time of need!

Posted by: wn at April 05, 2007 12:34 PM (N9KBU)

6 You've taken a huge step just by realizing how you feel about it. I still get a little jealous of my husband (of 27+ years) when he sees his female OR male friends. He's just that kind of a guy who has lived in this area all of his life, and who is a very outgoing and friendly person. Me? I'm the introverted "anti-social" one. I moved to his part of the state when we got together and left whatever friends I had behind (most of them took my ex's "side" in the divorce) and since I don't make friends easily am jealous of his numerous friendships. Never will there be anything sexual, it is purely me being envious of his easy-going nature.

Posted by: sue at April 05, 2007 12:44 PM (WbfZD)

7 H - I'm so impressed with your ability to work through your emotions. I've recently noticed how certain people will feel an emotion (ie "I'm angry.") and then leave it at that. Never get to the root cause, never try to figure out if your justified, etc. You are very articulate with your emotions... you have a way of putting words to what many people feel. thanks for sharing.

Posted by: SaraJane at April 05, 2007 03:12 PM (UKxjN)

8 As a real life green eyed girl, who runs a 'insecurity' marathon everyday in life, I can understand how you feel. I can also understand how you don't want to feel that way. My take on it (beacause I know you are dying to hear it ;-)) You and Angus are in a very deep, emotional relationahip. You know what buttons to push, and what ones to not. You pretty much know the outcome if you do push one of his buttons, and out of respect and love, you choose not to push those buttons. In your eyes, his hot spots are flashing in neon lights, and to him, having you set them off hurts deeply. As far as school chums go, I think you are right when you said they can touch on those hot spots and not get a rise out of each other because their relationship is more superficial. Lets face it, when a friend crosses one of our boundries, we might get pissed and say "back off", or maybe not say anything at all. But if someone we care deeply for, a lover, who we want to spend our life and dreams and goals with does that to us-it hurst like a knife to the chest. It is almost like a betrayal-they know us so well and they know what will hurt us the most so the use it against us-that is a pain unlike any other. So two things here: first, Angus can brush off his mate's attitude because it is not on the level of importance that it would be if it came from you. Second, because you respect and love Angus and do not want to hurt or upset him, it rightfully pisses you off to see her talk to him like that and him to seemingly not care. In your mind maybe you think he should be pissed off, and when he isn't it is like WTF??? I could never speak to him that way without it resulting in an awful blow-up with deeply hurt feelings! I think what you are feeling is completely normal, and it sounds like you two are dealing with it well. A deep, true love takes a lot more work and investment-and while it is so worth it, it can be very tiring at times. About not being attentive at an event, party, etc-I totally get that. One of the biggest downfalls of committed relationships I think is the "take for granted" situations. Angus knows at night he is going home with you, but wants to "show off" his funny mate. You are the center of his world, but it is hard to take a backseat sometimes. I don't think it makes you jealous-I think it makes you human.

Posted by: Teresa at April 05, 2007 03:26 PM (2WPOB)

9 Well, I think a certain amount of jealousy is healthy, not unhealthy. My best friend and I were both in marriages before the ones we're in now where everyone was congratulating themselves on how free from jealousy we all were. We both had guys flirting with us occasionally and both our husbands rather enjoyed watching this and never did anything to stop it. But instead of making me feel like I was trusted, I actually felt a little taken for granted. I mean, if your husband doesn't even care...it makes you feel neglected. So...it's a touchy situation; how much jealousy is "normal" and how much is overkill. We have both discussed since then how much we love it that our husbands are a little jealous and possessive over us, unlike our last husbands. I think I have a healthy jealousy over Dan and visa-versa. That being said, he has a woman friend from when he was 22 years old. They still talk on the phone sometimes, mostly she calls him for life advice, etc. And yes, I'm a little jealous over her at times. But at the same time, I'm so proud that I have Dan and she doesn't. She could have had him at one point but she was stupid and didn't go for it so HA HA HA! I get the last laugh! lol She's sorry now, heh. Yeah, I know...I shouldn't take pleasure in others' misfortunes but Dan held the torch for her for a long time while she took advantage (Oh no, Dan, we're just friends!); now she's told him she regrets her decision not to date him after all. She's always saying how happy he seems with me. Gloat gloat gloat. But I digress with all this gloating. (feels GREAT though!) ahahaha Look, I never said I was Mother Teresa. *grins* Anyway, I think it makes a difference too when it's an old friend and a different gender, like Angus' friend and Dan's friend. But if Dan made a female friend today, uh...how about, "NO!" Like...OVER MY DEAD BODY "NO"! And I know damn well Dan wouldn't permit me to have a new male friend either. Hell, Dan doesn't like me getting my nails done by a male manicurist! "But babe...all the girls were busy and he's like 4 foot 2 and doesn't speak English; SOOOO not my type, hon!" "I don't care, Amber, I don't like the idea of another man touching you!" Okey-Dokey! heheheh I made sure when I bought us both massages for our anniversary a while back that he had a male masseuse so...I "get" it. Heh. But we both have old, established friends of opposite genders that we made years before we met each other. That's understandable. Go ahead and be a little jealous, Helen. I don't think the kind of jealousy you're describing is unhealthy at all; it speaks of your love for Angus. And that's VERY healthy indeed!

Posted by: The other Amber at April 05, 2007 05:25 PM (zQE5D)

10 I understand that completely. I used to be jealous, even though mr. kenju never gave me reason to be. But I was jealous of women who flirted with him, even though he didn't respond to them (at least in my presence). But if he had a woman friend like Jill, I wouldn't like it, not because I would think something might happen, but because he allowed her to speak to him like that and get away with it. The best thing you can do about that is to ignore it; otherwise, it might rile you up unnecessarily. Good luck.

Posted by: kenju at April 05, 2007 11:28 PM (DBvE5)

11 Bloody hell Helen ! I had to read this entry through twice to fully understand it and for it to sink in. Well done for recognising the signs of jealousy and for telling Angus (and all of us too). You seem to have made good progress in your state of mind (hope this doesn't read too patronising). I do agree with some of the other posters. You are number 1 in Angus' life and he in yours. You don't have to like all of his friends, at least you are honest with Angus instead of bottling it all up and exploding when it gets too much. It may seem unfair that they have this relationship where the rules appear different to the rules between you and him, but you know she is no threat and it's great that you will deal with it the best way you can. She goes home to Sweden next week, you'll still be at home with Angus. Would it appear rude to go out with some of your friends while she visits ? Even if it was for one night only ? Have a great weekend and keep the green eyed monster under firm control Robin

Posted by: robin h at April 06, 2007 03:27 PM (VwhES)

12 I can totally relate to many things in this post. I too have been jealous. In my last relationship, with EXBF, I was insecure, I felt unsafe, and I was jealous. He had many female friends and he often prioritzed them, along with many other people, events, and things, over me. I never thought he would cheat, but I was aware that he did not draw healthy boundaries, he was emtoionally intimate with them, and he shared things about our relationship with them. For example, several times when we were fighting, I learned that he had discussed it all with them. Of course they "poor babied" him and blamed me, and I really didn't appreciate it. I hadn't been jealous before him and now that he's gone it's such a relief to not be eaten up by that emotion any longer. I don't want to feel jealous in the future, but I guess a little jealosy might be par for the course. I mean I think it would be incredibly difficult to have no feelings of jealousy whatsoever, but maybe that just means that I too have a long way to go. I think it's great you're opening up your home to Angus's childhood friend. It seems clear that you're not threated by her and are not jealous of HER. And it makes sense to me that you would feel a little miffed if suddenly when his friend is on the scene he starts being less attentive to wards you. I would not be happy about that. He should be doing what he can to make you feel totally secure with his friendship, and even in the presence of a friend that he cares for, he should be able to put you first. Just my opinion on the subject. Good luck with the visit!

Posted by: Buttercup at April 07, 2007 12:37 AM (n2s7N)

13 ... wow.... well put, Helen....... I've had my own issues along those lines as well..... some things are just hard to work through in your head.....

Posted by: Eric at April 14, 2007 12:33 PM (NlzwQ)

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