Living in England has its advantages and disadvantages. The advantages are that I can have all the curry options a person could want, plus I have the happiness of complete and total access to a whole world of cheese goodness from England, the continent, and beyond. The problem I've found is that if you don't pick up English terms, you get picked on. If you do pick up English terms, people from home pick on you.

I saw an episode of Friends once with that weird fish-lipped chick from Legally Blond, where she was an American living in England, but when she visited the trio of far-too-thin women in their flash New York pad, they took the mickey out of the fact that she called it a "mobile" and lived in a "flat". This was viewed as utter pretension, pomposity, and any other high-falutin "p" word that means someone is pretending to be way above her station that you can think of. Apparently, when you is an American, you is expected to talk like one.

The thing is, if you walk around in London calling it a cell phone and an apartment, you will get the piss taken out of you here. The looks you get here by sticking with Americanisms, you might as well wear a hat with the price tag still attached and bunk down in a bed of straw with Cletus the Wonder Porcine. Just as Americans seem to view the English as being a bit stiff upper-lip la-di-da, the English can have the tendency to view the Americans as beloved country bumpkins, not unlike kidnergartener Care Bears.

You begin to incorporate words that the English use simply to try to salvage any self-esteem that you may have. Most of the time people aren't in any way malicious, but after a long hard day it's pretty damn exhausting to get made fun of because of the way you pronounce "tomatoes". You assimilate, simply because it's easier (but I will never, ever say "aluminium". There has to be a line, people. There has to be a line.)

So I do call it a mobile phone. People live in flats (although you can wear flats, too, especially cute ones with a saucy bow on it). You fill the car with petrol and you go to university. A doctor's office is a surgery and London is nicknamed the Smoke. But there are things I don't say that drive Angus crazy. The car does not wear clothes, it has no boot or bonnet. Things get spelled with a "z" and not an "s". It is not Happy Christmas, it's Merry Christmas. A nappy is something that I would like to do daily in the afternoon, not what I would choose to stick on an infants' butt. He gets exasperated sometimes with my expressions-things that are not cool are "gauche". Something fantastic "kicks a clown's ass". And he despairs of the use of the word "so" to emphasize a point-I am so not interested in this TV show, I am so over big hair. I love the word so, and feel it's an important use for focusing a sentiment. Or, should I say, it's so an important word to use in focusing a sentiment.

People tell me I don't sound remotely Texan, and I suppose that's true. Yesterday, I met one. He handed me his business card, and I noted his office was in Richardson. He asked me for my card.

"Sorry, I didn't bring them with me. Mine are out of date, and I need to order new ones." I replied.

His mouth gaped open. "But...but how will I get your contact details?"

I smiled. "Got a pen and paper? I can write them down."

He stared at me like I had grown a third ear in the middle of my forehead. "How can you not have business cards?"

I don't have a home circumsion kit either, mate, and yet somehow without both the kit or the business cards life goes on.

I look closely at his card. "Oh!" I exclaimed. "Dallas is my hometown!"

His brow furrows. He looks angry. "You don't sound anything like an American."

I smile. "Sorry, I am a card carrying American."

His brow becomes that of a Neanderthal. I look anxiously at Frank, a Scottish teammate of mine.

"Why don't you sound American?" barks the Texan.

"I've been out of the States a long time, but sorry-I think I DO sound American." Texas Boy stares at me like I have personally been responsible for every anti-Patriotic remark made against the States and stalks away.

"You know Heeeelen," coos Frank in that charming Scottish accent while munching on a biscuit (cookie), "I'm not sure if he was angrier that you were lacking a business card or lacking an American accent."

But I DO have an American accent.

And the bad news is, Angus is trying to get one, too.

He is encouraged by the fact that she told him he can be an honorary American, when we met the lovely couple in Paris last weekend.

I don't know where Angus is picking up his Americanisms, but they're doing my fucking head in. Thank God I am madly in love with this man.

He has a palate of favorites. If something is good, he will announce in his best American accent that "Everything is cherry pie!" And I should clarify here-his best American accent sounds like someone has shoved a plug up his nostrils, and they are reaching up through his anus to try to remove it. I have attempted to explain that we don't say this expression, but it only further cements it for use in his vocabulary.

If something is cool/ready/interesting/any version of adjective, it's "rootin' tootin'". I shout at him in exasperation that we don't say that term, it went out about the time that Yosemite Sam stopped being cool and started doing anger management, but it only seems to encourage him. A salad can be rootin' tootin' good. Dinner can be rootin' tootin' ready. We can take the rootin' tootin' train.

I fucking hate the term rootin' tootin'.

But far and away my least favorite expression of his is his very favorite "Americanism". He uses it a dozen times a day, all in that tone of voice in which he squishes his face up not unlike when you are about to rip a good one out. And my darling uses it for everything.

The term is "cotton pickit".

Which isn't even used correctly, it should be "cotton pickin'".

And it gets used so much it makes my teeth shatter. And every time I try to correct my beloved boy, that it should at least be "cotton pickin'", he looks at me and gets his French conjugation ready.

"Helen, you are wrong. It is cotton picking. I am cotton picking. It has been cotton picked. I will cotton pick." He looks at me as though this explains it all. Suffice to say, I am not convinced.

So I get asked where the cotton pickit remote is. He burned his hand, cotton pickit. Can I put the cheese back in the cotton pickit fridge? We need more cotton pickit cat food.

I have no idea where he picked the term up, but I wish he'd put it back.

One of us will assimilate and become part of the others' culture. The other one will be on tranquilizers shortly. Personally? My money is on me re-enacting The Valley of the Dolls.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 11:25 AM | Comments (30) | Add Comment
Post contains 1266 words, total size 7 kb.

1 Happy cotton pickit holidays! I am so going to use that.

Posted by: Jim at November 18, 2005 12:31 PM (tyQ8y)

2 Sorry, but I'm an English person living in Australia. I always win fights about grammar and spelling with one line - 'The language is called 'English', and I'm from England. Therefore, I must be right.' By the time they are over their shock at my arrogance, I'm long gone. Way before they have time to remember that England has stupid people too, y'know!

Posted by: michellesarah at November 18, 2005 12:37 PM (E+ls3)

3 "Apartment" is becoming the new "posh" word among estate agents at least in Essex. Its funny. I love how people in the US now say posh and everyone smoons like its the best thing since sliced bread..WTF? Its just a word. I have picked up a good bit of English slang over the years of visiting and being with my fiance. I say quid, sod, and other random words/phrases but only when I'm in England or with English people. If I say them with my American cronies and sound weird. Just like I would never say "So what's up?" to most English people...actually I do but that's why they laugh at me. My fiance uses some American slang but its mixed in with his regular English usage and I don't think he really tries to most of the time. I hate when people find out I'm American and then try to do the accent or the slang and its totally not working at all and they just sound like idiots.

Posted by: Juls at November 18, 2005 01:28 PM (9aRbg)

4 my husband is canadian (which you may know to an english person is almost the same as being american) and i laughed like a drain the first time i heard him call his pants trousers. i'm laughing on the other side of my face now that, seemingly out of control of my own vocabulary, i'm calling pavements 'sidewalks', sweets 'candy' and tv programmes 'shows'.

Posted by: anna at November 18, 2005 01:32 PM (yqelu)

5 I use "so" a lot too.. as in "I could so use a nap"... absolutely nothing wrong with that! My fiancee and I listened to the Da Vinci code on the way to visit his mom in GA recently, and the British character (who's name escapes me at the moment) said "tallywacker", and now it's my boy's new favorite word. Gotta love it!

Posted by: Erin at November 18, 2005 01:41 PM (BuifH)

6 Two nations divided by a common language eh? As an englishman living in Canada I understand, but I will never call Aluminium - Aluminum, hell if it is then its also sodum and potassum ! Gazza

Posted by: Gazza at November 18, 2005 02:29 PM (pbB5B)

7 My English ex-boyfriend used to say things like "it's like mega ____", something you might've heard in The Valley, circa 1983. I guess our slang arrives over there about ten years late. P.S. I think Angus is just trying to take the mick

Posted by: Jennifer at November 18, 2005 02:50 PM (V45OB)

8 Thank you for the wonderful start to a Friday morning. I'm still chuckling thinking about the outraged Texan trying to figure out how you can be an American and not sound it. In my years in restaurants I have worked witha veritable United Nations of people, and the various oddities of their unique spin on slang has been a source of amusement for years. Now I am off to mend my cotton picket fence. Should be a rootin'-tootin' good time. *LOL*

Posted by: ~Easy at November 18, 2005 02:51 PM (LN5gS)

9 Awesome. I laughed my cotten pickin ass off at Angus. I jealous that you got to meet Elizabeth and she didn't steal me away with her. But now you have meet both Jim & I by proxy...

Posted by: Clancy at November 18, 2005 02:53 PM (JxYJc)

10 I dated a Brit once who thought he did a great American accent. it was great, if you're from Southern Alabama and live in a double wide with your pregnant teenage sister and your two pit bulls chained up outside.

Posted by: girl at November 18, 2005 03:51 PM (MqAGl)

11 I've picked up a bit of Brit slang from Gordon. I say things like "It's a wee bit cold out" and "Can you put your shoes back in the cupboard". I call it a bin, soccer is football, and I say wanker a lot. But I'm with you. I will never call it aluminium. Shit. It took me two years to figure out how to say that word (it helped a lot when Gordon told me there was an extra i in it. I never knew. I kept wondering how the hell they got their pronunciation from our spelling). I'm sorry Angus has picked up such bad Americanisms. As long as he doesn't start in with the horrible fake Texas accent ala James Van der Beek in Varsity Blues, I'm sure you can handle it.

Posted by: amy t. at November 18, 2005 04:14 PM (zPssd)

12 Sounds like Angus has been watching too much Foghorn Leghorn in his rootin' tootin' cotton pickit free time!

Posted by: donna at November 18, 2005 04:32 PM (IkNgJ)

13 dang nabbit. Try that one on for size... I'm confused. What's up with the aluminum comment? I don't know what is wrong with aluminum... are we talking aluminum foil or am I totally lost?

Posted by: sue at November 18, 2005 04:58 PM (WbfZD)

14 I guess, at least, you should feel some joy in the fact that he hasn't picked up any bad 1980's Valley Girl sayings to go along with his Warner Brothers repertoire

Posted by: cursingmama at November 18, 2005 05:13 PM (PoQfr)

15 This post has been like one of those songs that gets stuck in your head AND WON'T LET GO. I read it this morning over coffee. Big mistake. Since then, I've spent my free day off of work doing this and that around the house and muttering "this rootin' tootin' kitchen is one clean sumbitch". Or "where'd I put that cotton pickit sweatshirt?" My husband is going to wonder what the hell is wrong with me when he gets home tonight and asks how my day went. I can hear myself already. "Everything was CHERRY PIE, baby!" Thanks. Yeah, ever so much. And tell Angus for me he's all that and a bag o' chips. :-)

Posted by: Jennifer at November 18, 2005 06:02 PM (y4DOI)

16 You crack me up. Sooooo... Have a rootin' tootin' weekend, Helen and Angus! Oh, and GOOD JOB! Heh..

Posted by: Amber at November 18, 2005 06:03 PM (zQE5D)

17 This SO made me crack up! Like, really. Dang girl, I don't know what would be worse. The southern hick lingo or Valley girl of the 80's LOL. I say Aluminum all the time, so sorry how about, got damn, fur sure, and um can't think of any that haven't been said. H, you have a really great weekend. Angus, have a rootin tootin bang up of a weekend dude!

Posted by: justme at November 18, 2005 06:26 PM (GvbUn)

18 My english friend (who's lived here for 20 years!) still says she's going to "put the kettle on the hob." Now I can tell her to put the cotton pickit kettle on the cotton pickit hobb. Angus is going to have a lot to answer for. :-)

Posted by: Jocelyn at November 18, 2005 07:16 PM (jkRb/)

19 LOL, this was hilarious helen, thanks for the giggle. i think there's something so fun about saying expressions that aren't familiar. i hope he gets over the cotton pickit one soon. heh. maybe you should get him back with a few of his least favorite english expressions? ;-)

Posted by: kat at November 18, 2005 07:17 PM (xB7GF)

20 Angus would LOVE IHOP, wouldn't he? (Rooty Tooty Fresh n' Fruity Breakfast.) LMFAO Thank you for the pick-me-up! I've now devolved to where I cry every ten minutes whether I need to or not. My DH has taken to asking me: "Honey, is that a happy cry?" Heh. I'm going to incorporate the following terms/verbiage/slang into my vocabulary IMMEJEETLY: "kicks a clown's ass" "cherry pie" "cotton pickit" and "rootin' tootin'" Woo hooo!

Posted by: Margi at November 18, 2005 07:22 PM (nwEQH)

21 Thanks for reminding me what jackasses Dallas-area businessmen are. The way they'll try to lord it over you on first meeting about the stupidest frat-boy shit . . . you know what? You should have thrown in a few insulting remarks about the Cowboys for good measure, even if you had to make a few up.

Posted by: ilyka at November 18, 2005 08:59 PM (c0ZqE)

22 At least he's not trying "gol durnit", or having "hanerkin's". Yet.

Posted by: Sigivald at November 18, 2005 09:41 PM (4JnZM)

23 "Cotton pickit", huh? Sounds like a four-year old trying out his slang. Things could be a lot worse. When Angus forgets to shave in the morning, you can tell him what my wife tells me: "You look like a bum." Now THAT'LL drive him nuts...

Posted by: diamond dave at November 18, 2005 09:55 PM (6R/FO)

24 You will just have to teach him a few more out-of-date Americanisms, such as "Baby got back..." or "later alligator". I laughed at this post, Helen, and I needed a laugh. Thanks!

Posted by: kenju at November 18, 2005 09:59 PM (+AT7Y)

25 I'm gonna send him a DVD of the blue collar comedy tour He could put some gravy on that som' Bitch... LOL

Posted by: Mike Thees at November 18, 2005 10:05 PM (2oVHZ)

26 We are having a lot of fun at work teaching a Russian girl idiomatic American English. (N.B.— her standard English is superior to many of her peers, and she has only a hint of an accent, so it's extra fun because we can explain to her why things are said a certain way without translation difficulties.) Recently it was the phrase, "I'm one to talk," which led to a discussion of "pot calling the kettle black" and took a detour past "no, it's proNUNciation, not proNOUNciation." Then we explained why the word "like" is so over-used. And while it is true that a cohesive periodic table of the elements would have an American aluminium to go with the other -ium elements, it isn't spelled that way over here and has NEVER been spelled that way over here— whether by accident or deliberate design— and so IS properly pronounced "aluminum." But cling to it, Helen, as a proof of your origins. I, at least, try to not make fun of people's accents... I only try to figure out where they're from.

Posted by: B. Durbin at November 19, 2005 04:30 AM (XDml5)

27 This entry made me laugh. I'm australian and my husband is from England and we have the same kind of linguistic "wars" that you and Angus do. I found it odd that you said people in London look at you oddly if you say "cell phone" vs "mobile". My husband's family are in Reading and we were recently there and they all say "cell phone" way more than "mobile". I have of course trained my husband out of that habit after 5 years in Australia

Posted by: jade at November 19, 2005 08:49 AM (TE2ox)

28 You are in good company, I refuse to say ah-loo-mini-um and jag-you-ar. I have however picked up bin and loo. Still trying to pick up mobile and trousers. And you should hear my Scottish boyfriend immitate my American accent. My god it is horrific... I can't possibly sound that bad can I? I can only hope it is his interpretive spin. Luckily revenge is my imitation of Groundskeeper Willie. lol

Posted by: Lee at November 19, 2005 05:38 PM (9TN3L)

29 *snort* 'Cotton Pickit" *giggle* *snort*

Posted by: Elizabeth at November 21, 2005 01:46 PM (s3LS9)

30 Speaking of linguistic things that are funny... Everytime you right the name Angus, I think of a really big burger... the funny part about that is that you don't eat meat. Maybe its not so funny, but there it is.

Posted by: SaraJane at November 21, 2005 10:28 PM (lvhnO)

Hide Comments | Add Comment