Yesterday the day did not go according to plan.

Oh sure, the morning was fine. I loped through my work email inbox, levelling them with an almighty stomp. I got masses of documents done and had my eyes crossing by mid-day courtesy of all the Excel spreadsheets I marched through. I rocked it.

I was also on my period (I will not - I repeat will not - call my period AF for any reason ever, not even if a clot pops out of me wearing a name badge that says 'Hello! My name is AF!'), and this translates to "Give Moses a ring, wouldja'? We have a tide to part."

No big deal, right? I was prepared. I had my giant fuck-off bichon frise tampons with me, the ones that look like you can take the wrapper off of them and use them as absorbancy towels to clean up the most significant of spills. Exxon Valdez type spills are no match for these tampons. In future people should use them to help staunch the flow of flooding in their homes, because these bad boys can hold more water than my ass after a 12-hour plane ride.

Anyway. There I was, in a skirt. I was stuffed with a giant-super-mongo-plus-extra-absorbant-there-may-be-a-wildlife-preserve-in-there tampon. I was ok. I went to the toilet to have a changing of the guard, as it were, and took a pair of scissors with me as the tag in the back of my knickers was chafing. I realized it might look weird, me going into the ladies room carrying a pair of scissors that would make pinking shears look embarrassed, so I tucked them in the notebook I use to record notes in, opened my bag and grabbed a tampon from the pocket, and made my way to the toilets.

Once in the stall I changed tampons. I don't think you need me to go into too much detail, you either already have done this yourself or you're one of the men sitting here reading this, periodically taking a moment to put your head between your legs to recover from the gore factor. I then went about cutting the tag out.

Now, the best thing to do would be remove the knickers, right? Since I had a skirt on and no tights on, that would be easiest yes? Or just remain seated on the toilet and, looking down, simply snip the tag? Those moves would make sense. Those would work. That's what people who fucking thought things through would do.

But because I am a raging dumb ass I didn't do it that way. Oh no. I bent over, looked through my legs, grabbed the tag while doing a move that only The Amazing Benzi Brothers of the local contortionist circus could do, and snipped the tag. Only somehow I also managed to nick the inside of my leg with the scissors. So now I had the tag out, I'd bent myself into a pretzel, and I now had a small cut on my leg.

Sighing, I rolled up some toilet paper and tucked it inside of my knickers to deal with the tiny blood flow from the scissor cut. I cursed my dumb assed-ness. I wondered if Darwin had people like me in mind when he thought of survival of the fittest.

I went back to my desk.

My new colleague, a rather cute guy with a great sense of humor, came over to talk. He was seeking info and gossip on one of the projects we are on together. He pulled up a chair and sat by me. We talked. We walked through PowerPoint slides, him putting on a mild flirt factor (I may be taken but I'm not dead. It's cute to be flirted with. It's a sign I don't need to be put out to pasture just yet, especially since there are still cows on the paths.) We got on well which is a good thing as some of our work will be joint.

He stood up and I stood up. He smirked, shook my hand and walked away. I wondered about the smirk.

Then I saw my rolled up bit of toilet paper on the chair. It had fallen out of my knickers and was gracefully sat on the seat, looking all innocent. Innocent, apart from the few blood drops where it had rested against my scissor cut.

I was confident he didn't see that. I was sure he hadn't. I saw it but that's because I had been sitting on it. No. He didn't see it. Couldn't have. I was sure.

He did, however, see the errant packaged tampon that had escaped from my bag and lay under my desk, near to where his feet had been, looking for all the world like a giant roll of paper towels just begging to be stuffed up a hooch.

I cringe.

Often.

-S.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:32 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
Post contains 821 words, total size 4 kb.

1 Oh no! Another tampon post! (averts eyes)

Posted by: diamond dave at April 16, 2009 10:30 AM (RIYji)

2 Oh, honey. That's almost as good as the time I slipped the last fresh sanitary towel I had with me out of my bag and down the waistband of my skir for the short trip to the loo. Got talking half way there. Forgot. walked off. Walked back to see huddles of worried males and my brightly packaged towel lying chirpily in the middle of the office floor. Argh.

Posted by: Hairy Farmer Family at April 16, 2009 11:55 AM (hLDb4)

3 LMAO Dave. Happens once a month. Be thankful there's not a monthly tampon post! ;o)

Posted by: Margi at April 16, 2009 02:34 PM (Mpvg1)

4 I love you. LOL You are SUCH a trip.

Posted by: Stories Aside at April 16, 2009 04:26 PM (KBcpL)

5 I did tell you about the Across London by Bus with Blood-Streaked Face and Trousers Debacle, didn't I?

Posted by: May at April 16, 2009 06:32 PM (3jesX)

6 I can one up that, I can. Had a guy who is single, cute, and very much on my list of guys who I'd date if they'd gather the balls to ask me out over for a gathering of friends. He arrive early and started scanning my massive nerdy bookcase of assorted fun. It was then I realized that my "special section" had not been covered. "Oh, this is...interesting," he commented, revealing my copy of "The Idiot's Guide to Fellatio." Aaaand...scene. You know, though, they all know we use them. At least, I hope they do. If they can't take a joke...well, pop five applicators on each hand, ran around wagging your fingers, and shout, "Look at me, I'm Edward Tampon-Hands!"

Posted by: D at April 16, 2009 07:35 PM (2Q9WD)

7 Seriously. I'm sure the man has seen a tampon before. If he hasn't, he needs to get a clue.

Posted by: statia at April 16, 2009 07:37 PM (s5ipx)

8 Some things I just DON'T miss....

Posted by: sue at April 16, 2009 08:28 PM (0K+AI)

9 I had to scroll down, I forgot you are no longer H but now S - then I couldn't remember what S stood for...geez. I need some sleep or a drink!

Posted by: steff at April 16, 2009 09:53 PM (Ke87H)

10 I'd be interested in meeting the woman who has managed to get to adulthood without having one embarrassing period-related issue. I don't think she exists.

Posted by: Lisa at April 18, 2009 06:23 PM (YEsan)

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