Going into this pregnancy, I can tell you there were a lot of pre-conceived notions that I had about being knocked up. Most of them have been blown out of the water completely, but the truth is I think I had to experience pregnancy before actually knowing what the hell this whole "carrying a baby" was all about. I confess that in time-honored tradition, I didn't really understand what the hell some of my pregnant friends were on about when they were pregnant, at least not until I got here myself. So a few things that I put my hand up and admit to having been wholly unsympathetic about (thus, I was wrong and apologize profusely):

1) That whole playing music for the baby thing. I always thought it was weird that moms had headphones around their stomach to rock baby's house. I can't explain why I wanted to try it one day, but I did, and I was surprised - babies really do react to music. Some songs seem to calm them, it's like they pause to cock their head to listen. Some songs seem to piss them off, if the battering is any indication. But it's not weird so much as they're your little captive science experiment.

2) Other moms used to talk about how much their ribs hurt. I used to think: "Ribs? Don't you know that babies are in the uterus? And the uterus is down low?" Because the uterus is down lowÂ…when you're not pregnant. Get pregnant and the uterus is like the Hindenburg, expanding and taking over you body until you can accessorize it with a nice cashmere scarf and some dangly earrings. Babies get all up in your ribcage, too, making your pregnancy pass by while giving you the grace to sound like a bulldog when you breathe.

3) Wiping becomes something that you thank Christ you were so active in yoga about. You have to go a bit tantric just to get the cleaning done. It's humiliating, but then there's little about pregnancy that reinforces your dignity.

4) Your clothes will start to gap when you get to that You're Really Pregnant stage. Maternity clothes do the job for a long time, up until the last few weeks. Get to the last few weeks and suddenly your clothes leave you hanging. If you want to truly cover up, as Angus' Mum is keen that I do and constantly reminds me that only the slappers in society go around baring their pregnant stomach (good thing I didnÂ’t wear my "Bun in the oven" bikini to the family BBQ last weekend then) then you're looking at a Muumuu. Or maybe a pup tent. Either one will comfortably cover your stomach in the end.

5) By the time you get to the last part of the pregnancy, you have no sense of humor. Everything hurts, pregnancy sucks, and if you're one of those people that felt 100% perfect throughout the entire pregnancy and loved every moment of it and felt one with nature and your baby and you didn't have baby in your ribcage or breathe like a bulldog or totter above the toilet or not find any clothes to fit or suffer the inability to sleep well and have bluebirds making you tea and Bambi dusting your furniture with his fluffy tail, then fuck you. I mean that in the nicest way.

Of course, there are more things to deal with if you're having twins. If you're packing multiples, I offer you the following things to know:

1) If you want to know what it's like to have two babies inside of you, kicking, then do the following - take two Tickle-Me-Elmos. Open them up and fill them with rocks. Sew them shut. Turn on that switch which makes them laugh and vibrate and stick them inside of you, one on top of your bladder and one on top of your diaphragm. That's what it feels like. Oh and make sure you set the timer so that it laughs and vibrates between the hours of 1 - 5 am. It can laugh and vibrate at other times of day, too, but definitely in the middle of the night.

2) I know that in the States mothers of twins get that "Are they natural or not?" question. I have yet to get that one, mostly because fertility treatment over here is restrictive, so that if you're under 40 you can only put 2 embryos back (I support this for the record). In the States I've read accounts of women who can put back many embryos, but since fertility treatment is maybe not so well-known here (even though 1 in 10 women here in the UK will pursue a course of treatment), I have yet to be asked if they're natural or not. I'm prepared with an answer though: "No, they're made with Barbie parts. I had a Frankenstein moment. That's pronounced 'Frohnk-en-shteeen'." I was also prepared to answer that "Did you fall pregnant through fertility treatment?" question. My response: "Do you have kids? What position did you get pregnant in? Oh, what was that? None of my business, you say? DO TELL."

3) If one more person tells me that once the twins arrive I'll never sleep again I will stab them to death with an ironing board (it will take a lot of effort, but it'll be worth it.) I just had night #4 of very little sleep (I'm talking on average max 3 hours of sleep a night and I'm not exaggerating. So in 96 hours I've had about 12 hours of sleep.) I'm falling apart here and have already burst into tears twice today (and I've only been awake for 5 hours as of writing this). I have never, ever felt so shit before in my life. When they arrive at least I will be able to sleep, the option will be there even if the logistics are not. Right now it's no sleep. At all. I am teetering on coming undone. So don't tell me that I'll never sleep again. I'm not sleeping now and it's not making me a happy bunny at all.

4) "Better you than me!" is what a few people have said about the twins. I couldn't agree more.

5) "Do twins run in your family?" Why? Does this mean if they do you'll go down to the bookies and make some bets? Does this have fucking anything to do with anything? If I come from a long line of twins will that mean the BBC should do a documentary about me and my crazy genetic make-up? Do you think we all automatically buy two of everything as a knee jerk reaction upon seeing two lines on a pregnancy test? I just met you, what is it to you if twins do run in the family? Do I get a cookie? A puppy? A balloon in the shape of my large intestine? Skin cancer runs in my family, shall we talk about that?

6) "You're going to have to buy two of everything!". No we won't. We'll just buy one of everything and choose our favorite child. Or else we'll make them compete for the resources, it'll be like Baby Gladiator in our house. We're an exercise in Darwinism, where only the strongest survive. The weakest go without the Rainforest Bouncy Chair and make do with the Aquarium swing.

It's October 1. When the first infection showed up in July, I wanted to get to 32 weeks. Then I wanted 34 weeks. Although the 36 weeks mark is on Wednesday, my personal goal became trying to make it to October. Now it's officially October. So babies? Come out come out wherever you are. I'm ready. My body's been more than ready. Tomorrow we go to beg and plead with the doctor to set an induction date.

I'd like to have a pool to see when people think the babies will be born, but I have no idea how to administrate it. So lemme' know what date you're betting on, and the winners will be lauded on my blog with great thanks and fanfare.

-H.

PS- Many thanks to the extraordinary photographer Marie, who sent us a very helpful DVD in our constant quest to make sure that the babies sleep through the night as soon as possible. Thanks, Marie, I'm very grateful and I'll let you know if it helps (am sure it will!)

PPS-I also received this great Lamaze toy which we're planning on having inside our twin stroller - but there was no name attached to the gift! If you want to remain anonymous, I completely respect that, but if you want to email me I'd love to thank you for our new toy!

UPDATE - Melanie pointed me to a baby birthday web site, which hosts guessing pools. So I set up a webpage for the Lemonheads - you can click on the tabs for Baby A and Baby B and make your guess for each baby there - you don't have to register or anything, you can just place a guess. Thanks Melanie!

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:26 AM | Comments (25) | Add Comment
Post contains 1538 words, total size 9 kb.

1 Ok I know you want out of preganacy misery, but I'm voting for October 10th...because that's just me. 10.10.07! One 10 for each Lemonhead

Posted by: Heidi at October 01, 2007 07:08 AM (hev7+)

2 I've probably mentioned it, but you sound SO much like my sister when she was carrying her twins (they're boy/girl twins who are almost 5 now!) She still gets the "do twins run in your family?" all the time, she sometimes just makes up answers because she doesn't feel like telling total strangers her IVF story! I'm with Heidi! 10.10.07!

Posted by: Juls at October 01, 2007 07:31 AM (UiNqV)

3 you can get a poll here http://expectnet.com/index.php I like 10/10 too! at 10.10.. that'd be cool

Posted by: melanie at October 01, 2007 08:09 AM (/tB/P)

4 oh.. and also if you do get 10/10 both lots of rellies will think it's the same date!

Posted by: melanie at October 01, 2007 08:10 AM (/tB/P)

5 I was so 10/10 but reading that, how about putting me down for Monday 8th October? Looking forward to hearing what the Dr has to say. I can't imagine how hard it must be not sleeping. Thinking of you loads.

Posted by: Sarah at October 01, 2007 08:33 AM (HiUoN)

6 This made me giggle so hard. I especially loved the captive science experiment. That bit doesn't change, Hmmm let's see what happens if I puree peas, with corn, with chicken, with avocado. Will you eat it? Yes? Great! I like 10.10.

Posted by: Veronica at October 01, 2007 10:36 AM (JoWXZ)

7 7 october. good luck!

Posted by: Hannah at October 01, 2007 11:25 AM (KuL2D)

8 *lol* Gladiator babies. We've been eatching the DVDs of HBO's Rome series, but now I'll be envisioning my girlies armored up to decide who gets the last cupcake. Then again, it often IS like gladiator fights around here, especially when one wears the other one's shoes without permission.

Posted by: ~Easy at October 01, 2007 11:26 AM (WdRDV)

9 *lol* Gladiator babies. We've been watching the DVDs of HBO's Rome series, but now I'll be envisioning my girlies armored up to decide who gets the last cupcake. Then again, it often IS like gladiator fights around here, especially when one wears the other one's shoes without permission.

Posted by: ~Easy at October 01, 2007 11:27 AM (WdRDV)

10 I just want them to have different birthdays so you guys can REALLY mess with people. And I know you're just DONE so I voted for 36 weeks exactly. ;^)

Posted by: Sarah at October 01, 2007 01:00 PM (xGmlE)

11 Angel1 (now 12 years old), slept through the night at 3 weeks. 3 WEEKS!!!!! And she was a pretty good sleeper even before that. I hope you're that lucky too. The thing I hated about the 1st 3 months of Angel3 was everyone saying (about his colicky stage and sleepless nights) "It'll pass." They're right, it's just annoying to hear someone saying it. I hope you have an easy birth ("cough" epidural *cough*) and an especially easy 1st 3 months...in my opinion, they're the hardest.

Posted by: Solomon at October 01, 2007 01:08 PM (x+GoF)

12 LOL! Sarah. I'd love it if they had different birthdays, too! I knew a set of twins born at 11:58pm and 12:05 am. Usually they had a two-day celebration. But it was so funny to see people's reactions (teachers, etc.) H, darling, we're all rooting for you. Of course you will sleep again. Probably better with babies outside than in. Especially if they decide to be good sleepers (won't you please, Lemonheads? Do Mummy a favor!) And you will be able to take a deep breath, and move easily, and all of those things. Keep your eye on the prize, babe. MWAH.

Posted by: caltechgirl at October 01, 2007 04:00 PM (IfXtw)

13 If one more person tells me that once the twins arrive I'll never sleep again You mentioned this in an earlier post too and I ranted about it then as well. I really don't understand why people say that, arGH! It's not true, for one thing. Towards the end, you feel like you can't even *breathe* anymore and you just want them OUT OUT OUT! And you're having twins, so...must be even worse. And once they are out, you can lie on your tummy again, breathe again without feeling like you're going to pop, give them to Angus or someone else to hold, or change or feed, etc, etc. You can EVEN go OUT somewhere without lugging them around, provided Angus/Other Trusted Family Member can sit with them for an hour. There is NO comparison, none. Crying at night? Okay, I'll take that over feeling like a Weeble. And an achy, cranky, fed-up Weeble at that. But for another thing...even if it were true, that you'll "never" get sleep again...why say such things to a pregnant woman? Is it latent hostility? Are they trying to be funny? I never figured it out. But I share your stabby desires about it.

Posted by: The other Amber at October 01, 2007 04:13 PM (zQE5D)

14 I'm not going to put my pool number in because my thought is it will be induction. I think the babies want the full term and it would be around Oct 25/26... or the week of. That would suck wet socks... so I'm thinking it will be induction.

Posted by: Bou at October 01, 2007 04:37 PM (fGpp7)

15 I went and put on my predictions, then forgot to comment here! I just wanted to say I think women, even if they have 'perfect' pregnancies, get to that point where they'll do anything to just GET THIS THING OUTTA ME! I had four kids and except for number one who was a premie, the rest had to be induced - they were all late, and I swear I was jumping up and down, riding down rough country roads in the pickup, you name it... just tempting fate to get it done. Lots of Braxon Hicks (yeah, I hate him too) and nothing else. We had so many false times going to the hospital with the last one that my husband got tired of coming in from the field and having to shower before taking me to the hospital. Of course, the last time when they decided to induce was the one time he went grungy... lol. You're doing terrific. Soon they'll be here.

Posted by: sue at October 01, 2007 05:12 PM (WbfZD)

16 Since my birthday is Thursday, October 4th, that's my prediction! Great day to be born~ *and to top it off...only THREE days away! What could be better...well, except for Oct. 1, 2 & 3 I suppose~ Hang in there...it's truly almost over!

Posted by: Poppy at October 01, 2007 05:58 PM (lOcUU)

17 I picked 10/11. My birthday is 11/10, so in the UK we have the same birthday :-P Oh and "pre-concieved notions about being knocked up"???? LMAO, babe. You may feel like crap, but you still crack me up!

Posted by: caltechgirl at October 01, 2007 06:33 PM (/vgMZ)

18 I went against the grain and voted for the girl to come first. Not that I'm wishing for a c-section, but figured to be different. 10/8 is my first wedding anniversary, but I voted earlier just for you. Never been knocked up, but I have also never met a mother-to-be (past the healthy deadline) who said, "Can I please just keep them inside me a few days longer?" Home stretch now, Sweetie, home stretch.

Posted by: sophie at October 01, 2007 06:56 PM (AY+fk)

19 Yeah, I still get asked "Do twins run in your family?" I suspect nowdays it's another way of asking "Are they natural", but when people ask me I don't take it that way. I don't think IVF was very big back in the early 80s. I just chalk it up to another one of those stupid twin questions people ask.

Posted by: geeky at October 01, 2007 07:39 PM (ziVl9)

20 You know, it is entirely possible that the Lemonheads will be the type who sleep through the night. Really, one of my nieces was so reliable that way— down at bedtime and sleeping through the night. And I'll take October 3rd, since that's my mother's birthday. And it's soon.

Posted by: B. Durbin at October 01, 2007 07:59 PM (tie24)

21 It's become obvious that I know nothing about baby sizes. I went back to see what people were guessing and realissed that I'm trying to be nice to you, and give you short babies :-) I dunno...15" seems long to me, but then I haven't had babies.

Posted by: Angela at October 01, 2007 08:01 PM (DGWM7)

22 Stay cool, Helen. The finish line is in sight. Joy - and sleep- will be yours. I was thinking about mentioning the no sleep thing, but I don't really want to get gored by an ironing board. Instead, I'll wish you the fastest labor and delivery on record.

Posted by: physics geek at October 01, 2007 08:39 PM (MT22W)

23 Here's holding out for October 15, my birthday. As far as times and length goes, hell, I don't know. I just guessed on those, after looking at other common responses. I guessed a little on the small side, being twins. As long as they come happy and healthy, and leave you happy and healthy, that's what counts the most.

Posted by: diamond dave at October 01, 2007 08:54 PM (0CPOH)

24 I'm fairly sure you don't want to wait for my birthday (30th), so how about the 18th (my daughter's bd)?

Posted by: kenju at October 01, 2007 09:32 PM (TiGru)

25 Ha! I love that people are picking their birthdays.. I totally picked mine too, the 12th!

Posted by: Erin at October 01, 2007 09:51 PM (JabmA)

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