Blogging is, occasionally, completely exhausting.

Not just when I got the blitz of hate mail from that whole brouhaha, no, that was a whole seperate version of hell. That episode made me feel decidedly exposed, and I've had a hard time writing anything since I got back from holiday after that.

No, blogging can sometimes be tiring simply because of what it is-putting it all out there. I sometimes get emails questioning if this is all an act or not, if I'm really real (I am. I swear I am. Ask my imaginary friends, they'll tell you.) Sometimes I get random nasty emails from people that have nothing better to do than attack how I look, if I should be a parent, that I need to see a therapist (helllooooo-obviously haven't been reading here too long then, eh?), or the one I got today from a Terry Boschetti, who told me that my website was disgusting, they can't imagine who gave them the link. I replied back to him (her? Does it really matter?) that I can't imagine who gave them the link either-really nice people read me, and Terry, you sure seem like a tosser.

You know, stuff like that.

I get nice emails too, from nice people. I like those emails. I'm always surprised when I get those, but those are nice.

Trying to decode how I feel about things is exhausting enough, but it's when the negative comes in that I find it really tiring. I don't mean disagreeing-by all means, disagree with me, but keeping it civil seems like the least any of us can do. This has been weighing on my mind a great deal, after my events two weeks ago and now with other things going on.

One of my big concerns is motherhood. If, at the end of whatever tunnel I am finally walking down, I actually get to be a mother, then I face a real quandry. I've seen it in a few places now, Ilyka's being one of them (and one of the better written ones), and this is what I fear most about the distinction of parent vs. non-parent (and more so, about having an opinion if you're in one camp talking about the other)-

The Judgement.

The streams of advice also cause minor degrees of wigging on my part-even though Statia rightfully owns half my brain, while I read her daily sometimes I just can't face reading her comments as they're chock full of progesterone-related advice, some of it conflicting, much of it (if I were in Statia's shoes, which I'm not) overwhelming (although the detractors on her site tend to be civil). But I can't face the stocks of advice. If I want to talk I'll IM her. If she wants to tell me about her symptoms I'll listen and sympathize then try to make her puke by talking about cheese (love you, babe.)

Motherhood is something that seems far away to me, like leading a polar expedition or deciding that sure, Pluto is no longer a planet but fuckit, I like the cold and I'm setting up camp there. Motherhood is this crazy, bizarre spiral path that you have to go through the biggest obstacle courses to get to, and once you get there you realize that the maze is 100 times bigger than you ever thought it would be. It's something I want very much but right now it's so far away I'm just milling around the punch bowl with my "Hello! My name is Helen" badge, rearranging the hors d'ouevres and trying desperately to get picked for the dodgeball game taking place later in the day.

Search Google on IVF, pregnancy, and parenting issues and blogs rank among the top results. Blogs are here to stay, I think, and more and more people turn to them as a point of reference-we can read the medical journals where in a study of 122 people 57 had x while 22 had y, but it makes more sense when someone named Timmy'sMama151 talks about it on her blog, and you think: Yes, so someone else had that side effect on that medication as well. Whew!

The advice, though, is why Mommy blogs and Mommy websites frighten the fuck out of me. Before you start the hate mail, I'm not having a go at Mommy blogs-they have their place and their loyal readers and everyone's happy, la la la. I don't have an issue with Mommy blogs, everyone's entitled to write about what they like and, like with my little space here, if you don't like it, cool-that's what the "X" at the top right hand corner is for. Just click off it. Mommy blogs have great communities of fellow moms and they provide a valuable resource to other mommies (just whatever you do, don't cross some of them. I've seen what happens when a stray deer gets into the crosshairs in some of the blogs and it's not pretty. Mommy blogs, like everything else in the Land of Internet, has a hierarchy and a pecking order-I read somewhere that there was a storm during a Blog Conference (I know-I can't believe they have those either!) and someone stated they didn't like Mommy Blogs. From there on, the poor woman had to wear a huge scarlet "C" (for Child-free) on her chest and was seriously vilified.)

That's what does freak me out. When you go to some of them (not all Mommy blogs, but enough of them to make an impression) and see cat fights in the comments-sometimes the Mommies don't just disagree, they disagree and they've brought their brass knuckles to back up their argument. Examples:

Camp A: Swaddle your child! Children need to feel secure!

Camp B: Are you fucking crazy? Swaddling is like bondage! Your children will have attachment issues!

Or:

Camp A: Let your children cry a bit before picking them up! You have to get them used to you not being at your beck and call!

Camp B: You child abuser! Neglecting your child to cry like that, the shame!

And let's not forget the big one:

Camp A: I'm not breastfeeding. I've discussed it with my pediatrician and there are as many nutrients in formula as breastmilk.

Camp B: Breastfeeding is natural and normal! REAL mothers breastfeed, only women who don't deserve to be mothers give formula!

Camp A: Back off, you La Leche bitch!

Camp B: Fuck you, you should be charged with abuse and your child given to someone with a breast pump built into the bathroom wall!

It goes on, covering everything from being home births to being a stay at home mom to if you should just chuck junior into the deep end and see if he can swim from Day 2. And in some of these places it's so heated it's no longer civil. I was in a site the other day and I swear I had to duck from the Ninja Star-stabbed teddy bears being chucked around the place.

And that's not even including the pregnancy advice. Drink ginger ale! Eat crackers! Go sky diving! Talk to your doctor! No, your doctor is wrong! You shouldn't be bleeding! You should be bleeding! You shouldn't complain! You should complain! Exclamation points are the work of Satan!

And on the infertility blogs, it's even worse. The worst two offenders: Why don't you just relax? and Why don't you just adopt? If I had a nickel for every time I'd seen those two, I could quit my fucking job and party in my helicopter.

And as someone who is infertile-let me tell you, those statements are the most patronizing in the history of bad advice.

But it's the way that advice is rendered on fsome ertility and pregnancy and mommy blogs that blows me away. Recently, someone I read daily had a chemical pregnancy during IVF (which means it failed). In the comments, there amongst the "I'm so sorry"s (which is all you can say for something like that, I know) was one saying: So now that your one embryo failed, isn't it time to try with two?

And I think: What is it about opening your heart and your uterus to people that makes them disconnect mouth from brain before saying something? This women JUST MISCARRIED YESTERDAY. This statement couldn't have waited until some of the pain lessened, at least to the point when the poor blog author could take off her sweatpants and crawl out of bed?

I'm not a mother. I'm a stepmother, which is hard enough, but I'm not crazy enough to say that's anywhere near the fortitude requied to be a mother. Of course I have opinions on children, but most of the time I don't feel "allowed" to give them because I'm not a Mommy (I just play one on TV). Angus has two nieces that I think are little terrors-last week we saw them and the 4 and a half year old was screaming at the top of her lungs that SHE WANTED A JUICE BOX AND SHE WANTED IT RIGHT NOW. Then she proceeded to smack Gorby-twice-for doing nothing but walking past her. I restrained myself from saying something (not for the juice box thing, but because nobody hits my dog) simply because I'm not a mother, I didn't feel I had the right to ask if she could keep her amatuer pugilism to herself. I spent the rest of the evening keeping our dog away from the kid.

So it's natural to have opinions. I even have them, and I have no progeny. But it's the way that advice is doled out sometimes that makes me tired. Should I ever have a kid, I don't think this blog would become a Mommy blog, mostly because the judgements and the advice terrifies me so much, the absolutism that what I am doing is (in some eyes) wrong.

We all have views on what is right for kids. Maybe it's right for us, maybe it's not right for others. It exhausts me to think of the condemnation that some women get, just for expressing their opinion and their wants for their child, their body, their fertility (and thus I'm not currently giving my opinion on swaddling/breast feeding/letting them cry/home births/stay at home moms/throwing junior in the pool. Mostly because I haven't worked out the right answers on those for myself*.)

-H.

PS-I understand some people have had problems commenting-I've re-edited the IP banning, so it should be ok now (unless you've been deliberately banned, and those few know who they are.)

*-except the home birthing thing. That just doesn't do it for me. Totally ok for others, absolutely do what you feel comfortable with, I just don't think that would be for me.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:08 AM | Comments (24) | Add Comment
Post contains 1802 words, total size 10 kb.

1 This is my big advice on parenting advice...nobody knows what's best for your kid more than you.Sometimes, new moms have a hard time finding that inner mommy voice,that instinct that tells them what to do.That doesn't mean it isn't there.When you don't hear it loud and clear at first you might start listening to the judgements of others and start judging yourself. There is no absolute when it comes to parenting..you can't say "I'll never swaddle" or "I'll always let him/her cry it out a little" because it just depends on the child.So, unless your inner voice tells you to stick your kid in the washing machine or something equally odd,just trust yourself...I've been reading you for quite awhile and I trust that you will take what you like from all the advice,think it over,and leave the rest.

Posted by: Fawn at August 25, 2006 11:32 AM (4MNYN)

2 The difference between being a parent and not being a parent is like the difference between sex with someone you love and masturbation. Experiencing the former in no way resembles the latter. I do think you should have said something to the child for hitting the dog. At the very least, going over and saying "Here honey, he likes it better when you do this" while you stroke Gorby and reassure him. Then again, hindsight is 20-20. Fawn is %100 correct. No one knows what's best for your child other than you. Private opinions on how others are raising their children--and I have many--should be kept private.

Posted by: ~Easy at August 25, 2006 12:20 PM (fKIJ3)

3 Wow, I loved this post of yours. I think you're completely right too. I think when it comes to anything having to do with motherhood (even IF or even something like starting to try), it's extremely touchy. I discuss my thoughts with 3 people at this point. My mom, my best friend, and my husband. Eventually I'll probably talk to my MIL as well (have tons of respect for her as it is). But these are all people that I can disagree with and love unconditionally. I don't think I can take it from anyone else to be honest. Not sure how well I'll even handle advice from them. As far as people online being jerks...it's scary the type of people you meet online. Because you know they're really like that in their heart of hearts. I feel as if you get to see the reality of so many people online. And some, I'd probably have preferred to never have known they exist.

Posted by: Minawolf at August 25, 2006 12:54 PM (cH5GO)

4 I think you've touched on the very thing I think is wrong with the world these days - everyone is so concerned with sharing their opinion and being RIGHT, that people don't bother to shut up, listen, and empathize anymore.

Posted by: geeky at August 25, 2006 01:52 PM (ziVl9)

5 Well, I know I'd miss the hell out of you if you walked away from blogging; but I'd also understand that priorities change. It's a lot like a favorite author, cartoonist, or columnist deciding it's time to retire; we're sad to see them go from the public spector, but respect their need/want to do so. As for the assvice banded about on the internet I know that on occasion I've found myself doing it - and have hopefully hit delete each and everytime - I believe there should be some type of unwritten rule (or written if that's what it takes) that if you wouldn't walk across the street and give this unsolicited advice face-to-face to your stranger/neighbor then you shouldn't do it on the internet. Such a simple rule to live by.... Have a good weekend.

Posted by: cursingmama at August 25, 2006 02:48 PM (PoQfr)

6 The parenting calculus is simple: you never get to run the experiment again, so it's certain you will do parts of it wrong. The trick is to also do some parts right, and accept that this is the best humans can achieve.

Posted by: A. reader at August 25, 2006 02:58 PM (J3dE7)

7 Hum. I'm admittedly a slacker mom, so feel free to ignore anything I say, but a few thoughts. First off, being a stepmom, aside from the semi-part-time nature of the job, seems to me like it would be ALOT more difficult than parenting your own squirmy offspring, so kudos on that. I'm not sure I could walk a mile in your pumps, Helen, or that I'd even want to. I parented my niece and nephew for 6 months, and it's hard when they aren't yours from birth. Secondly, being a mom...Mommy guilt is the worst feeling ever, especially because so much of it is imposed by other moms. What I will say is this...if it isn't any fun, and it's all so deadly serious, I don't see any point to doing it at all. I figure a little dirt in my house will help my kids develop a solid immune system, I did the best I could at balancing bottle/breast (and never felt a moment's guilt for how I handled it), and the only thing I ever feel strongly about is when other people's kids are allowed to act like spoiled brats in public. The rest? It's a tough job, people just do the best they can. I know I do. There is plenty for folks to criticize, and it's funny how much well-meaning (and highly critical) *advice* I've gotten (especially from people who've never done the job). 90% of the time, every mom out there is just guessing at the right course of action and crossing her fingers that it will work. The sureness is only present when we're pretending to other moms that we really know what we're doing. But not being a serious mom, I'll tell you the truth: We're all just winging it. There isn't any one right way to be a mom. If you figure out something that works for one child, god forbid you have another one because your cool little won't work with them. It's all a big guessing game, and none of us is sure of anything at all except that we want it to end well. But don't tell any of the other moms, or they'll beat me up after the PTA meeting.

Posted by: trouble at August 25, 2006 03:41 PM (j2vfb)

8 Something about pregnancy/motherhood just makes the unwanted opinions/advice flow. I remember distinctly one day when I was pregnant, and within the space of 5 minutes I got two comments from strangers: "Wow, you're really big", followed with (you guessed it) "Wow, you're really small". Brought it home for me. After that, I just nodded, smiled, and disregarded. Ultimately, you have to go with what feels right for you, and as for everyone else....who cares.

Posted by: loribo at August 25, 2006 03:44 PM (RYVp+)

9 I agree with Geeky, in this world today everyone has an opinion and wants to be right. Being childless myself, I still get asked when we are having kids or why we didn't or why don't we adopt, It makes me want to cry every time, but I just smile and tell them we waited too long and I had to have a hysterectomy, end of story, that usually shuts them the hell up. Just from the way you treat Gorby I know you will be an amazing mommy

Posted by: Cheryl at August 25, 2006 05:57 PM (msF2q)

10 Dude. FUCK THAT. You have every right to tell that kid not to hit your dog. She's in YOUR house. She needs to respect your rules. She's four, old enough to understand. And when you do have kids, I'm sending you clown printed strollers. Looooooooooove youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.

Posted by: statia at August 25, 2006 06:00 PM (KcrOI)

11 unfortunately children do not come out with directions attached so go with your instincts and know you did/do your best.

Posted by: Steff at August 25, 2006 06:07 PM (F5RrO)

12 The anonymity of the internet allows people to write things they would never say out loud IRL, unfortunately. In a way we bloggers get to see their real colors, which in some cases, ain't pretty. I welcome discussion, even outright disagreement, but there is never any reason not to be civilized, EVER. OK, off soapbox.

Posted by: Donna at August 25, 2006 06:43 PM (Aanzg)

13 Statia's right. Nobody treats my dog like that. I wouldn't have smacked her but I would sure as hell have picked her up and taken her right back to her mother (kicking and screaming) with the firm statement that until she learns some self-control she is not allowed to play with the dog. In fact I have had to do that. With my little cousins at the same age. Made their asshole dad so mad he walked out. But she's my baby, and I wasn't going to sit for that just because she's a dog and they were kids. Just because you aren't a "Mommy" doesn't mean you don't have the right to complain when someone isn't watching their kid. that's their job, not yours. Your kids are your job: Gorby, Maggie, and Mumin

Posted by: caltechgirl at August 25, 2006 06:59 PM (/vgMZ)

14 I'm just full of opinions and advice today..Try hanging a sign up that says "this property is maintained for the safety of my animals,if you kick,hit,pull my dogs ears or my cats tails or let any of your children do the same -----> there's the exit." That's what hangs on the bulletin board in my kitchen.

Posted by: Fawn at August 25, 2006 07:14 PM (4MNYN)

15 Well I for one would be thoroughly bummed if you stopped blogging. Especially since I just found your site not to long ago and have gotten hooked on it. There are a lot of self righteous creeps on the internet which I am sure you knew before, but really got a taste of in the past couple of weeks. It's unfortunate. You should have told the one that emailed you today to go to Hell. If he/she doesn't like it, then he/she doesn't have to read it.

Posted by: kimmykins13 at August 25, 2006 07:25 PM (QW8XY)

16 As I am apt to say, "There are many paths to get to the same destination". People just need to chill out and leave other people alone. I don't get why everyone MUST BE RIGHT! Why can they not understand that people make personal choices and just to respect that and leave them alone? I don't get it. Which is probably why I keep most people at arm's length. Who to trust, who not to trust... that is the question. Someone once called me a Mommy blog. I was stunned. Yeah, I have kids, but... damn, I'm so much more than that! I've been told since I'm not. Thankfully. It's cool, Mommy blogs are cool, I just prefer, 'Hi, I have a blog, and btw, I happen to be a Mom.' As for the kid hitting your dog? Gah! Where were her folks?!!!

Posted by: Bou at August 26, 2006 03:24 AM (iHxT3)

17 AMEN!

Posted by: kenju at August 26, 2006 03:42 AM (2+7OT)

18 Honestly, I cannot wait for some chucklehead to tell me that what I am doing is wrong for my kid. By and large, the caveat of "opinions are liks assholes: everyone has one and they most certainly stink", will stand true for me. If I went around asking everyone's opion, how in the hell would I ever make a decision? That and, opinions come from experience. If someone is trashing your decision, it is likely because they had a bad experiene making the same decision. But, as you know me so well, I say fuck em and let them come to my front door to play for a little while.

Posted by: Sir Henry at August 26, 2006 02:22 PM (KcrOI)

19 H- Whatever you decide to do, you will have my support behind you. I may not always agree or disagree, or share the same opinions on things, but I will always respect and support you. You are a dynamic woman. Don't worry about internet psychos...those of us who love you have your back.

Posted by: Dana at August 26, 2006 10:05 PM (uXuyq)

20 The idea of all those comments would be so scary... I like the few comments that I get, because I don't get too many. But to constantly be commented on every aspect of what you're doing with your kid?? Hmm.. anyway, I've still got my fingers crossed for you, and I'm sure you'll do great as a mom. D

Posted by: Hannah at August 28, 2006 02:01 PM (5w+E2)

21 I'm a long-time mom (grown kids) and wouldn't think of putting up anything on my blog about how they were raised... I've seen the bloodshed that can happen on other sites. Wowser. Hang in there, Helen... you're doing just fine.

Posted by: sue at August 28, 2006 03:52 PM (WbfZD)

22 You just outlined a huge reason why I stay away from a lot of those topics on my blog. I have two kids, but try not to go into those issues in life or online. I have a "friend" who will make those sorts of comments to me in person, but I don't dare tell her about how she raises her kid. It's not me to say something like that, besides it would start WW III.

Posted by: Ice Queen at August 28, 2006 04:32 PM (Lyl8J)

23 Those who bitch and try to give the most advice are usuallly the ones with the most fucked-up kids. I have two of my own, and I do as I please; however anyone else wants to raise their kids is their business-but I do have my own personal opinions (that I either keep to myself or share with only my husband). My biggest pet-peeve? Those parents who do not "parent" their kids at all. Doesn't matter if you have kids or not, nothing is more annoying then a kid who runs the household. As far as opinions go, Sir Henry took the words right out of my mouth. It is hard sometimes not to listen to all of it, but it can drive you crazy if you do. The only thing that works for my is trusting myself and most of all keeping a sense of humour. As long as my kids aren't lining the front walk with tiny animal skulls or trying to light the cat on fire, I'm good. Hang in there Helen-I think you are doing fine.

Posted by: Teresa at August 28, 2006 05:29 PM (vuowy)

24 Thanx again for a most insightful posting. As always you touch on and address the human condition. And as you so often do point out the absurdity of so many of those who share the air on our planet. You mention patronizing behavior and questions and statemnts. To tour examples I want to add two of those I hate beyond words. Those spoken to to tell a family who has suffered a miscarriage or the loss of a very very young child (I lost my daighter at 3 weeks of age so I have the credential to comment) that was for the best and the lost could be replaced. What arrogance and insensitivity could top those commenets? To suggest my daugther could ever be repalced like a a defective toaster oven -still upsets me. Parenting. Seems to me those who KNOW the truth should by now have raised enough children to have cured all the worlds ills. However seems to me their kids are among the greatest problems society suffers. From my observations seems the most critical component of childrearing is let the child know they are loved and valued unconditionally. Helen as a parent. In my view she is. Step parenting not easy but rewarding. I have credentials there. You obvious love for Gorby and Angus and his children are symptoms of an excellent parent. Those who disagree are itching for a fight. Ever since Skippy from fareastcynic@blogspot.com directed me to you I have been impressed with your intelligence and passion for life. And your willingness to share the trails and tribulations of life issues common to all of us. I apoligize for the crazies who feel the need ot inflict their warpped values on those whose do not share their psychopathology. Always seemed the craziest and most disturbe individuals where those who denied their own illnesses and problems. HAng in there Helen, I value your posts and find htem helpful in my daily life.

Posted by: Foggy at August 28, 2006 08:58 PM (Ah2V/)

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