I've blogged about In The Night Garden before. The characters on that show are mental, man. Seriously.

Yet the babies love them.

And we have a set of 5 board books and 2 paperback books that the babies - particularly Nora - adore. And they're at the stage where they don't want you to read it once, thanks. They want you to read the damn books 100,000 fucking times until your eyes bleed and you are one with the Night Garden. Get to the end of the book, hope to God they're sick of the book, find out with that "Uh uh uh uh uh" noise that they're not, stab yourself in the ears.

This is how it works.

Angus has been banned from reading the books because he won't play ball. The main characters are Igglepiggle, Upsy Daisy, Makka Pakka, and the Tombliboos. Angus calls them Shit Snacker, Masochist, Ass Kisser, and Padiddlyboink.

Clearly not names I'd like the babies to get familiar with.

So I read the books.

Only, I hate the books.

Also, I've decided that the characters don't just have deep-seated psychological problems, but that they live in their own little land which isn't so much Night Garden as it is Gigolo Land. They're little pervs, the lot of them.

The most normal one is Igglepiggle. He's like the Mac Daddy of the Garden. I'd say he was the pimp, only evidence here is that he's not just the pusher, he partakes, too:

Then take the Tombliboos.

Their trousers are always falling down. See? It's a sign. It's not actually aided by the fact that in real life one of the actors in one of the costumes was in some kind of sex scandal (I believe the terms "circle jerk" and "glory hole" were bandied about).

Then you have Makka Pakka.

Oh, Makka Pakka. So fucked up. You're like the Rain Man of the geology world.

But it's worse than that.

He gets his rocks off on...rocks. He's the puppet equivalent of that nutter who has sex with buildings. He arranges his sexual objects in circles, sleeps with them, and then:

he tells the world that he's succeeded in reaching orgasm by using a brass instrument.

It's always the quiet ones.

But the worst offender is Upsy Daisy.

In our house, I have to catch myself constantly, because whenever I come across an Uppsy Daisy passage in a book I always want to add: "...you little whore!" at the end of it.

For example, Upsy Daisy decides to kiss everyone in the Night Garden.

Oh wait. My bad - she wants to kiss everything in the Night Garden, be it animal, vegetable or mineral.

The dozy tart even seeks out public transport to try to spread her free love around easier:

She tries to write off her depravity.

Oh sure, babe. Blame the skirt. That's why you're so loose.

This just makes me uncomfortable.

When your bed is chasing you around the garden it's time to admit you have a problem, Upsy Daisy...you little whore.

-H.

PS-yes, I know, it's all innocent in these books. They are sweet characters who value sharing, cooperation, and all that other shit you need to teach kids. But when you've read them 50 times in one 20 minute period you need something to divert your mind, lest you lose it.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 01:52 PM | Comments (24) | Add Comment
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1 Yeah, I think I would have burned the book. It just seems to fuzzy happy for me. I like Dr. Seuss. There are much more interesting side stories to make up in my mind while reading them.

Posted by: Amy at March 25, 2009 02:29 PM (Ex6XB)

2 All I can do is chuckle to myself. Oh, and I can be thankful my children are older and that there is no Night Garden here.

Posted by: Lisa at March 25, 2009 03:22 PM (YEsan)

3 Thanks for the humor. We don't have these characters in the US (that I know of anyway) and I'm grateful. The books Bo wants to read over and over and over mostly involve Elmo and Disney's Cars. Seems slightly better than these guys...

Posted by: Jamie at March 25, 2009 03:23 PM (3nvbv)

4 You do know that some day in the future some grad student will spend countless hours researching said topic for their graduate thesis and will be thrilled to discover your blog post? I can see the footnotes now! And the title will be something horribly pretentious like The Psychosocial Importance of Early Memory Imprinting on Early Childhood Watchers of Into The Night Garden: A Study of Sexual Offenders.

Posted by: Melissia at March 25, 2009 03:29 PM (IBnue)

5 Having been through Teletubbies books and TV shows 10 years ago with both of my daughters, I can only sympathise with you both. I've still got the video tapes copied from TV with the repeats of the shows I watched - listen with mother, trumpton, magic roundabout - now there's classic TV. I suppose you've always got Postman Pat to look forward too

Posted by: robin h at March 25, 2009 04:45 PM (V5LUI)

6 I think it's a talent to be able to find the sexual connotations in children's book and still be able to read them to your kid.

Posted by: donna at March 25, 2009 04:55 PM (uJ7AG)

7 My two are glued to the Night Garden just before bedtime on weeknights. I'm glad I don't have to pay the TV the attention I would a book. Upsy Daisy has always bothered me the most with her flirting and kissing everyone.

Posted by: Tinker at March 25, 2009 05:13 PM (rU3SM)

8 Oh. Mah. God. Well, at least two to six Republican heads in the Congress will explode when it shows up on PBS. There's that small comfort.

Posted by: palamedes at March 25, 2009 05:17 PM (FsbnY)

9 I hate to tell you this, but it doesn't get any better. In fact, eventually they will be able to tell you (VERY DEMANDING) that they want you to read it again again again and again. I'm sick of Doreen Cronin and Mo Willems and quite a few others because I can't stand to read them anymore. But I do, of course, because really do you want to make a kid cry? And most of the books he wants ME to read, not Dada. It's a wonder I haven't stabbed myself yet.

Posted by: statia at March 25, 2009 05:35 PM (s5ipx)

10 Freaking hilarious post. I'm laughing--slightly hysterically--because I just had the first "again, again" moment with the boy in the car yesterday afternoon. I sang Pop Goes the Weasel I don't remember how many times because stopping meant screams from the backseat. No other song would do. Can't wait for the ride home this afternoon!

Posted by: rhysroo at March 25, 2009 05:41 PM (7YmKY)

11 Hilarious, Helen! You poor poor woman. I must say, just be thankful you didn't have to live through Barney and the Teletubbies. Even though I had banned Barney from our house, my eldest saw it at daycare one day. She was addicted. Fuckers. The triplets seem to really be into Wheel of Fortune ... and Coronation Street. I am ruining them forever. Woo!

Posted by: Michele at March 25, 2009 06:41 PM (rXEzC)

12 Ok. That jingling noise that Upsy Daisy emits when she jumps? Has No Visible Source! Ergo, she must have jingly love balls... inserted. And the rhyme should actuall go... Makka Pakka, Knacker-Cracker, Knicker-Cacker, EW! I could never remember what the Wattingers were caled to begin with; the closest I could get was Wurzelheimers. This soon became Hymen-Twangers. When my Mum innocently asked what they were called yesterday, we had to explain ourselves at length! I am in such deep shit if Harry's storing this lot up for the future.

Posted by: Hairy Farmer Family at March 25, 2009 08:18 PM (1OYPv)

13 This so takes me back to reading Dr. Seuss to the children. I still can't even think of Green Eggs and Ham without snickering. "Would you do it on a train?" Oh my! Hang in there. Pretty soon they'll be suggesting you read such gems as my 13 year old's current favorite books, The Twilight series. Teen vampire romance, anyone?

Posted by: malenkka at March 25, 2009 08:24 PM (B4EQR)

14 Thankfully Amy has grown out of the Night Garden now, she wants shows with sensible talking like Tikkabilla AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH. I do crack up everytime I read Green Eggs to Amy, but its the line "would you, could with a goat?" that gets me!

Posted by: Super Sarah at March 25, 2009 09:47 PM (0TP8F)

15 You beat me to it! I've been meaning to do this post for 20 years now, as it may not surprise you that I've made the same observations. Upsy Daisy is definitely a whore. Naturally she's my kid's favourite.

Posted by: MsPrufrock at March 25, 2009 09:48 PM (CA+L6)

16 The Night Garden - Where TeleTubbies go to die.

Posted by: Stephen Macklin at March 26, 2009 01:27 AM (R7LgM)

17 Y'know, I think I'd prefer Sir Michael Carmichael Zutt, Oliver Boliver Butt, and Zanzibar Buck-Buck McFate to those clowns. Besides, my dad used to get me laughing everytime he got to those three in the story.

Posted by: diamond dave at March 26, 2009 01:56 AM (RIYji)

18 My daughter loves these too. Me? They make my head want to explode. POP!

Posted by: Veronica at March 26, 2009 09:50 AM (l5geK)

19 Wait unti they're more verbal and have the damned books memorized. Then when you skip a page, they'll say "Mommy, go back." I will say this looks a lot like Teletubbies, which I loathed. Just goes to show what college drug use does to children's TV show producers. Oh, and be glad you didn't have to live through Barney. I'd have happily made that dinosaur into a nice purple coat, with a belt and matching shoes.

Posted by: ~Easy at March 26, 2009 12:29 PM (IVGWz)

20 Right. If I ever get knocked up, I'm kicking the TV down the stairwell.

Posted by: May at March 26, 2009 10:13 PM (3jesX)

21 Oh man... We don't get that show in the Netherlands. Or maybe we do (we have BBC one and two), but I just haven't found them yet. Probably because I don't even have time to turn the damn thing on during the day. Kids aren't interested in it. They love the remote control, though... I can imagine you wanting to pull your hair out after reading that book for the umpteenth time. I remember the Teletubbies from when I was a teenager (with two baby sisters), and they made me want to go kill myself. Twice. Painfully. Padiddlyboink though? That sounds so unbelievably cute! If Angus' other three replacement names weren't so, well, wrong, he should be the only one allowed to EVER read that book... ;-)

Posted by: Mijke at March 27, 2009 02:53 PM (TazTE)

22 You ever heard of Alfie Atkins? In German "Willi Wiberg", in original Swedish "Alfons Aberg". Maybe a little oldfashioned, but very charming and real, my son loved him: http://www.alfons.se/html/sprak/alfie.htm Maybe at least your little boy would like it.

Posted by: Paula at March 29, 2009 09:56 AM (gK8bb)

23 You ever heard of Alfie Atkins? In German "Willi Wiberg", in original Swedish "Alfons Aberg". Maybe a little oldfashioned, but very charming and real, my son loved him: http://www.alfons.se/html/sprak/alfie.htm

Posted by: Paula at March 29, 2009 09:57 AM (gK8bb)

24 I fondly recall someone writing a passage in some trash mag - maybe TV Guide or People - about one of the teletubbies getting plastered, spiking the Tubby juice, and sneaking off to the theatre to get itself off to Elmo in Grouchland. I have to admit I like Angus' version better. I laughed until people around me began to stare. By the way, are they into Eric Carle? He was always my favorite. Still is. My dad had to read "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" to me so many times that it's actually how I learned to read when I was four...as I could recite all the words.

Posted by: D at March 29, 2009 04:11 PM (2Q9WD)

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