So we've had to put some program controls regarding work into place here in the house. Or, to be English, I guess I would have to call them "programme" controls, because just one "m" isn't enough. In order to keep me from popping my top off and talking in tones that only bats can pick up, Angus has come up with some rules that are to be followed.

And you just have to love a man that comes up with rules.

We have the following rule: Work email will be accessed between the hours of 8 and 6. Then work email gets closed. The work calls, texts, and voice mails grind to a halt. It is freedom time.

This rule is, of course, flexible, depending on if Prince Charles or some other high-level manager, say Uber-Manager or the leader of the Bohemian Revolution, calls a late conference call to discuss issues with one of our vendors in the U.S., since they're six hours behind. Weirdly, the U.S. vendors we talk to are all Scottish or Australian. I wonder what happy hour looks like at their place.

This all came about on Tuesday as my train slid gracefully into Waterloo, ejecting it's passengers. As we approached Waterloo, I started trembling. Like, trembling. I looked like a whippet on a Summer day, my knees were knocking together and I had no doubt my eyes were all "deer in the headlights", or a variation of whippet "I look like I've just been beaten, when all that happened was someone turned on a light in the room" eyes.

As we got to the platform, the impatient man-travellers started opening the doors and dashing off. See, on the older trains (called the slam door trains) there is no locking mechanism on the door (and no door handle inside the train, either), so if you open the window and reach on the outside to open the door, you can actually open the door as the train is moving. I think this is the moment that businessmen get to feel like James Bond as they often throw open the door as we get to the platform, jump down as the train is still moving, and start running to the tube entrances. They must think: I will throw open the door and hurtle my body down the platform, my expensive dress shoes making authoritative sounds on the concrete! If my tie will fly out behind me, surely I will look like Tom Cruise from Mission Impossible! People will think I am very busy and important. I RULE!

The guard always announces as we pull into the station to wait until the train has come to a stop before opening the doors, but the men do it anyway. Notice I say: The men. The women? Yeah. We're law-abiding. We wait. We actually like the heel of our shoes still firmly attached. We know that jumping out will only hurt our feet, and they'll be hurting by the end of the day anyway so why push it? We give good head. We look cool. We do not need to worry about feeling like James Bond-we already fucked him, made fun of how fussy he is about his martinis and then dumped him when we figured he wouldn't call anyway (not to mention the possible VD he has by now). I think the men feel cool when they open the door and jump, so one of my favorite things to do is sit near the door and not open it until the train comes to a complete stop. I mean, stopped. You can hear the brains of the men exploding in impatience behind me.

I am evil and I love it.

Tuesday I wasn't near the door but was third in line to get out the door, and as the men up and down the carriage started to open the doors they failed to notice that the platform was already packed with people, so I saw more than one unsuspecting traveller get pegged with a dirty Great Southwest Trains door. It was very Laurel and Hardy, if only Laurel and Hardy were funny.

This is what it all boils down to, in life. Sooner or later you're going to get pegged by a door that says: Wash me written in the dust of it. Someday you will be smacked by a door of the most knackered out trains imaginable. You'll get pegged by a door that graffiti smart asses with spray paint have dealt with, changing the sign from "Please offer your seat to elderly passengers" to "Please eat elderly passengers". It's what life has to offer-eventually, a door is coming for you.

And still I was shaking.

I get to the office and was shaking like a leaf at this point, so the first thing I do (after setting up the projector, my laptop, and placing my Starbucks cup of coffee on the windowsill across the room, far away from my laptop), is call Angus. He talks me down from a ledge, comes up with this plan that there are certain hours that I will be working, and I agree. I stop shaking.

In fact, I go into the meeting and although it's very stressful and angst-ridden, I make it.

This project is, without a doubt, putting years on my life.

So between the hours of 8 and 6 I work like a madman. No longer can I zone out and go into a Mitty-ism during a boring meeting, oh no! Now, instead of imaging myself winning a Pulitzer or offering Oprah a tissue as she talks about how inspiring it is that I moved halfway across the world and survived the Marmite experience, I actually have to pay attention to every detail of discussion, right down to what color the seatbelt is that is holding the gerbil down. I have to write down everything and minute it meticulously. I get to write reports, spend hours on the phone, and in general have every ounce of imagination sucked out of me.

But it is working-the new plan hasn't seen me tremble once. Not even when I rode Angus like it was the Grand Nationals. No trembling.

I can only wonder what's next, should the stress build itself back up again. I have a nightmare that I'm at a meeting table, working on Microsoft Project, and surrounded by my team of twenty men, and suddenly it's revealed we have a delay of 6 years. What then? I put my hand on my forehead, swooning with the vapors? I start bleeding from the eardrums? Suddenly my capacity for language disappears and I start speaking in code? I decide that the actress who played the second Becky in Roseanne really was the better Becky of the two?

-H.

PS-My quiet blogging continues, I am just not commenting much. Sorry. Hope to regain my mojo soon.

PPS-Has anyone ever driven from Los Angeles to Las Vegas? Is it a long drive?

PPPS-since Irene asked, my comfort food recipe is attached below.
My macaroni and cheese:

- Cook half a bag of noodles-any kind, rotini, shells, you name it, in boiling water until soft.

In another pot, combine:

- Two cloves mashed garlic
- Half cup of milk
- Big handfuls of two-three types of cheese. I usually use a cheddar and a gorgonzola, but it's beautiful with anything. Except cream cheese. Cream cheese fucks it up, don't use that.
- One tablespoon of really good Dijon
- Dash of nutmeg
- Dash of salt and pepper

Melt it together, then pour it on the noodles when they're ready. Put in all in a baking tray and put it under the broiler, on high heat, just until the top layer is crispy and brown.

It's an inexact science, but a beautiful meal

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:11 AM | Comments (24) | Add Comment
Post contains 1310 words, total size 7 kb.

1 Thanks for the macaroni and cheese recipe. As to your trembling knees, I seem to remember you mentioning that they are attached to a pair of good looking legs. Does it help to elegantly cross them?

Posted by: irene at January 28, 2005 10:52 AM (YzTkY)

2 Nope-then my ankles click!

Posted by: Helen at January 28, 2005 11:09 AM (uFX1z)

3 Yup, evil. No question about it. More evil for posting that excellent looking mac and cheese recipe than standing in the doorway, though.

Posted by: RP at January 28, 2005 12:38 PM (LlPKh)

4 I asked this guy I know, he said Las Vegas is about 275 miles from LA, and takes between 4 - 5 hours depending on how fast you drive... He is kind of a, ah, well, you might want to check around and make sure...... =P

Posted by: Dane at January 28, 2005 12:40 PM (ncyv4)

5 Yup, about a 4 hour drive. Nice scenery once you get away from LA. There's some switchbacks, inclines and declines. Hell, you're going through mountains. If you aren't comfy with mountain driving expect the trip to take 5 to 5 1/2 hours instead of 4.

Posted by: Jim at January 28, 2005 12:57 PM (GCA5m)

6 LA to Vegas -- many times. After you get out of LA (which is half the battle), the speed limit switches over to 80 mph. And since there is nothing really to see other than desert, 80 is just fine. 4-5 hours is about right, depending on traffic. Fun trip though

Posted by: Kris at January 28, 2005 01:16 PM (pchc6)

7 I've ended up giving myself the rule that when I leave work, I actually leave work. Otherwise, I think I'd fall apart. Thanks for the mac and cheese recipe... one of my favorites.

Posted by: amber at January 28, 2005 01:34 PM (/ydz0)

8 I would give you some of my mojo but all I got is funk. Take care Michael

Posted by: Michael at January 28, 2005 01:40 PM (OEVsR)

9 My sister says that the trip to vegas takes 6 hours, although she said that when her husband drove it was 4 and a half. Go figure. Oh, and we're going to Vegas next month. Not driving though. It is about a 30 hour drive from St Louis...

Posted by: Easy at January 28, 2005 02:25 PM (1zTuH)

10 Two things: 1) As mentioned before, 5 hours is relatively standard for LA to LV. Also San Diego to LV. And Houston to New Orleans. You know, in case you ever wanted to know like if you came out to visit or something and wanted to go to the New Orleans place providedyoucanactuallyprymeoutofyourbedohmywasthatoutloud?!). 2) Happy hours with the English are fucking fabulous. They drink like whoa and then I bust out the tits and inevitably get laid and fun is had by all.

Posted by: Ms. Pants at January 28, 2005 02:35 PM (pkX+5)

11 On the comments of Ms. Pants... You SO should come out and visit and we could take you to New Orleans (yes, I just invited myself, which I feel is okay because I've dragged Sarah there with me twice) and I will stay out of your bed but will get you very drunk. And I can vouge for her on the happy hour tata exposure. I've seen it.

Posted by: amy t. at January 28, 2005 03:39 PM (zPssd)

12 dude a door is coming for me... are you sure it hasnt already knocked me unconscious and this week is just an agitated nightmare from the concussion?? I have done LV to LA and it is about 4.5-5 hrs on avg. and as for the hours, it was one of the ways I got through my thesis- I treated it like work and had SET hours for it, and the rest for ME (ie knitting time. Calmed me right down, well as calm as I was gonna get.

Posted by: stinkerbell at January 28, 2005 03:45 PM (m18uI)

13 I live in Vegas and drive to LA and San Diego quite frequently. It is about a 4.5 hour drive to LA. Of course, this always depends on traffic.

Posted by: Tif at January 28, 2005 04:27 PM (jCFyL)

14 Amy and Ms. Pants-I would love to meet you guys. First round's on me. Fuck it. First bottle's on me.

Posted by: Helen at January 28, 2005 05:33 PM (uFX1z)

15 In regards to the comment you left.... yea, we're a lot alike, which is why I was drawn to your blog in the first place. Us recovering femi-nazis gotta find solace somewhere. I have put my first order in for Lush products and am hoping they live up to the Hype. and yea... he probably does love me.. damnit! -Suz

Posted by: Suzanne at January 28, 2005 05:33 PM (GhfSh)

16 Your driving question has already been answered, but I wanted to add that on holiday weekends it is more like 6 hours. In the desert, where you cannot run the AC. It is also currently raining is LA and Vegas.

Posted by: Annika at January 28, 2005 06:34 PM (Co55O)

17 how come you can't run the AC in the desert?

Posted by: kalisah at January 28, 2005 07:17 PM (mDgS4)

18 Never been to Vegas, but for the experience of hanging with you - I would make the trip. I'd even drink an apple martini from Ms. Pants belly button and see how many flying Elvises (Elvi?) I could get to croon for us on the promise of a red lipstick ring.... The English drink beautifully, I used to tend bar a spit's toss from the Thames. For a rollicking good time, let's get somef Irishmen or Scotsmen involved too.... and the second bottle will be on me.

Posted by: Elizabeth at January 28, 2005 07:22 PM (bfmI/)

19 Yep, Ditto the 4 or 5 hours, if you stop at Barstow to pee and eat. If you take the 15, there's not so much of the switchback driving, but i'm coming from OC so what do I know? Heh.

Posted by: Ari at January 28, 2005 07:42 PM (PCRbg)

20 I commuted into the big smoke for a couple of days this week. I was sad that I was travelling into Paddington instead of Waterloo as I was dying to see you whizz past in a splash of colour, cutting a swathe of flavour through the blacks and greys that make up commercial fashion in London. It was not to be....

Posted by: sasoozie at January 28, 2005 11:45 PM (JlhJo)

21 Great recipe. CheeseÂ…mmm. If it were to happen, I too would invite myself on a road trip to the Big Easy avec (see I know French) Ms. Pant, Missdirected and Ms. Stranger. I'm sure we'd stay out of trouble and be very tame. But wait, that has nothing to do with Vegas. What stays in VegasÂ…Now I want some cheese.

Posted by: syd at January 29, 2005 04:20 AM (+5y9p)

22 Sasoozie-you likely wouldn't have recognized me-I'm just an average chick My enormous projector I have to lug around, however, sure makes me easy to spot in a crowd!

Posted by: Helen at January 29, 2005 08:27 AM (uFX1z)

23 It really depends on WHERE in LA you are leaving from. I've done it in 3.5 hours and once...on a holiday weekend...it took 14 hours to get home.

Posted by: Lily at January 30, 2005 07:07 PM (JNjfv)

24 As a former Angeleno, I can confirm the 4.5 - 5 hour trip estimates. Bring a lot of music or appreciate the wind, as there isn't a lot between LA and LV. As a former LA and currently Berkeley (near San Francisco) resident, I have to urge you (or whoever it is that's embarking on that trip) to reconsider the journey from the smog, sprawl, and superficiality that is Los Angeles to the decadence, desolation, and debauchery that is Las Vegas. (couldn't resist the opportunity to alliterate) San Francisco to Napa/Sonoma is a much nicer drive, you can get just as wasted, but on good, good wine, and if you have to gamble, there are opportunities for that around, too. That having been said, there's no substitute for either LA or LV. Cheers.

Posted by: Barnaby at January 31, 2005 11:32 PM (iek4G)

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