This morning, feeling pretty stressed, depressed and panicky, I went to the grocery store by myself, while the babies snoozed on the beanbag and Angus' worked from the study.
As I drove - and despite being nearly killed by a Waitrose driver who felt (rightly so) that his giant truck could take out my little Toyota and thus he could do what he wanted - I tried to sift the things in my mind.
The visit to the nursery went really well. The babies' carer was there and we met her and she spent some time with the babies while we filled out a sheaf of paperwork. Her name is Alice, a name that was on Nora's shortlist of names before she was born. Alice was quiet, shy, but very, very sweet. There are two whole rooms dedicated to the under 1's, and the babies in there were smiley, happy, and exploring as every part of the room has something "baby relevant" in it. At 5 months old, Nick and Nora will be the youngest babies in there and the only twins, something which made quite a splash.
I have no doubt that the babies will be fine. They might even flourish, as the nusery has massive quantities of stimulating toys and activities. They might not even notice I'm not there.
But I'll notice they're not around.
As my hands scanned shelves for various things we did and didn't need in the grocery store, I thought about yesterday's visit with the health visitor.
The babies got their last injections and another weigh-in. In the past week we've been feeding the babies solids, aka "Dear Jesus, Let the Screaming End". The good news is they both love pears. The bad news is they hate everything else. Further bad news - if I thought I was doing a lot of laundry before, it has nothing on the sheer quantity I'm doing now. We also swapped teats on them, so that now they don't drink a bottle so much as it's a controlled drowning. This in an effort to get them to up the amount of food they're taking. We know that we're not adding that many calories per se, but we were hoping that the solids (which we never serve in bottles) on top of their usual bottle schedule (only with more formula than before) meant that the sheer quantity of food would help the situation.
All that work, and the babies haven't improved. In fact, yesterday Nick dropped off the lowest percentile graph, officially entering what I call No Man's Land. They weigh as much as the average 9 week old baby, even though they're heading towards 21 weeks (17 weeks gestationally). Whichever way you cut it, they're tiny. Tiny but long, as Nick is heading into 3 month clothes based on his length alone. They are growing - these suits were worn for their last time yesterday, as the babies are getting too long for them. And they are gaining weight, just paltry amounts.
The health visitor even shook her head and wondered aloud what we could do.
When you stump the health professional you know you're in it.
I worry that people will think I don't feed them enough or that I'm a bad mother. I know neither is the case, the babies are happy, healthy, alert and curious. They eat what they want. I just can't get them to gain weight, we're heading towards 5 months old and they are under 11 pounds (5 kilos). They tell you in IVF land that mulitples have problems - you face illness, pre-eclampsia (which I had), premature birth (which I had), and physical and developmental problems. The babies are weeks behind developmentally but I'm not too worried about that, apparently by the age of 1 they'll be caught up. But physically we're way behind, and I worry their small size means their exposure to illness will be that much harder.
There is a sale on baby clothes in the shop. I add some 3-6 months clothes into my cart, unsure when the hell they'll actually fit into them. They look enormous. I tell myself it doesn't matter, they'll get there when they get there and if they're small now, we'll just put the clothes away until they're ready. Nick and Nora are healthy. They're fine. At some point they'll grow like a weed.
Yesterday too was the anniversary of the day I found out I was pregnant. I can't believe it was a year ago. It feels like longer. I still have that pregnancy test and I always will. But it was all just a little too much to be thinking about, you know? x+y+z = total meltdown of Helen's already overloaded circuits.
I throw a load of sugary kids' yogurts in the cart. Melissa and Jeff arrive on Sunday for a week stay. I'm both looking forward to it and not looking forward to it - the arguments, the laughter, the hecticness, the Kanye Fucking West playing at top level, the games, the bonding, the noise. It'll be good to see them and upsetting to have the routine rocked, because I feel a little fragile just now. They're back again just after Easter then for a while Angus will have to go see them - when the renovation is ongoing there just won't be room for all of us in our then-2 bedroom house. I will miss them then, I know.
I realize it's heading on for time to feed the babies again, and so I make myself hustle in the shop.
I feel blue and I don't know why.
I feel stressed and I don't know why.
I have no right to complain, I know, and I'm sorry - I have a good guy in the other room, one who found a website that monitors the electricity consumption in the country and now excitedly keeps me updated - "Scotland is awake! Look at their consumption, it's at about 7,000 mega-kilowatts!" (or something like that). I have two incredible and gorgeous babies (I think they're beautiful anyway. I know it's subjective. I'll tell you your cat/dog/horse/kids are cute if you just nod your head here and don't tell me my kids are poster children for plastic surgery.) I have my health (meh), I have a job (double meh), I have a good home (with shitty heating, so pardon me while I go light a fire now). You're maybe bored of reading about my infants. Certainly you're bored about reading how much formula they drink, and I'd understand that. You probably want to smack me much like the Waitrose driver. After reading this post I want to smack myself, actually. Sorry about this.
I'll shut the fuck up now, and promise some non-baby posts next week.
PS-many thanks to my anonymous benefactor (there was no sender information with the sweet note included from Amazon). This spectacular book arrived yesterday and cheered me up. I can't wait to read it to the babies, thank you very much!
1
Nope, not bored! Avidly following along, curious what each day with bring.
Everybody feels blue from time to time. I think that this, too, will pass - just pamper yourself however you can.
Posted by: Hannah at February 22, 2008 11:51 AM (KuL2D)
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Baby posts are much more preferable than posts about female bodily functions. Just don't post TOO much about the babies' bodily functions, puleeze?
Ah, never mind me. This is your blog, post whatever you want. I'll just get over myself.
Posted by: diamond dave at February 22, 2008 11:56 AM (a7s8a)
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Not bored yet, Helen!! Keep trying!
I know it is difficult not to worry about the babies and their weight...I have no answers I'm afraid. My niece, who will be one on monday, also dropped off the chart with her lack of weight gain and was put on extra calorific milk from the hospital...don't know the name of it but it had extra fat content. She's now back on track and eating everything she can! Took a while though, she started on the milk at about 4months cos she hadn't put any weight on.
Don't really know what I'm trying to say here but hopefully the twins will start to do the same thing as Lily and before you know it, they'll weigh a ton!! Well, 23pounds!!
Try to keep smiling Helen, again, we are all here, supporting you from afar.
Love and hugs.
Posted by: Suzie at February 22, 2008 12:21 PM (weSjv)
4
Here's my theory: Your babies are being compared against the sizes of other modern babies. I know here in the U.S. we're always hearing about how we're getting bigger and heavier than our ancestors and that it's not good. My son was always on the tail end of the charts too but he looked perfectly fine to me and I suspect he was compared to children in the past, just not the pumped up version of today's child.
Posted by: paula at February 22, 2008 12:41 PM (85LwO)
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Nope, not bored. It's always been about you - that is why we read. The babies are part of you. Just wait... in 10 or 12 years they'll start blogs and we'll read them as well...
Posted by: pam at February 22, 2008 01:02 PM (l6NIn)
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I know you feel like we might get bored with the baby posts, but I really have to say that is not the case. I look forward to reading anything you write, but the stuff about the babies takes the cake.
I am not a mom and for the longest time never wanted to be one. Still not sure that I do, but reading what you have gone through and the joy you have now ... Let's just say I am starting to change my mind. And the pictures ... Oh my ... Your babies are so beautiful and whenever there's a pic I share it with my co-worker so we can smile at the start of our day.
Thanks for sharing them with us and I just hope you continue to do so!
Posted by: Kelly at February 22, 2008 01:25 PM (Cid/I)
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You need to focus on what you know. The babies are happy and healthy. So what if they're a little small? I was TINY as an infant and now I'm 6' tall. Give them time, they'll be fine. Stop worrying so much!! I love your blog - baby posts and all. Keep it up or you'll have quite a number of unhappy readers!
Posted by: Niki at February 22, 2008 01:41 PM (kZ48J)
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I love the baby posts too! I came back to work after 3 months (the max I could get here in the States, isn't that lovely)? And it was the hardest thing I've had to do. But ultimately, I'm glad that I did.
Good luck with all that you're dealing with now. I do look forward to more baby posts!
Posted by: Jessica at February 22, 2008 01:49 PM (+sDQh)
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Our's are two, but they're entering daycare next week. Although we have a nanny, I work from home so they've never been away from me.
I'm blue and unbelievably anxious, too.
Posted by: Suz at February 22, 2008 01:55 PM (VN0e5)
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Do not fret. If the babies are alert and otherwise healthy then their (lack of) weight won't be a problem. I had a "cousin" who had weight loss during his second year, they thought it might be celiac disease, he wasn't progressing, yadda yadda, but then it cleared up on its own and turned out to be nothing more than a transient condition. No long-term effects, developmental or otherwise.
Posted by: B. Durbin at February 22, 2008 02:02 PM (tie24)
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I love all the news you have to share, whether it be the babies or your pond or your lack of heat. When you have lunch or coffee with your girlfriend, you want to know EVERYTHING that's going on with her...right? Same goes with your blog. I want to know, because through an invisible cord, I feel connected to you after reading you for years. Please don't feel as if you need to be selective in your blogging.
As for your munchkins...don't worry so much. Your motherly instincts will guide you...and that's much more reliable than percentiles and the averages. Your kids are miracles. Having them didn't happen in likely circumstances, as you have said, so it's likely, then, that raising them won't go by the book either. Sit back, relax, and breathe, my friend.
Posted by: Lauren at February 22, 2008 02:09 PM (iUfJz)
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Helen,
I am the mom of three boys that took forever to be on the chart. I know it is easy for me to say don't worry but really try to relax and believe in yourself as a mother. The doctors don't know everything. My oldest and youngest both started on the chart and fell of completely about 5 months. My oldest now 8 is on at the 25% and is dong great. My middle son was born at 36 weeks and did not catch up to the chart until he turned 6 and he is in the 10%. My baby who is two is the size of a one year old, he only weights 20 pounds. But he is smart and talks like crazy. Just love them and feed them what they will eat.
Try not to worry. I also suffer from depression so I know how hard not worring is.
Erin
Posted by: Erin at February 22, 2008 04:05 PM (sNEFa)
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Hang in there, H. Between milestones and anticipation this is a tough month for you. It will pass, really. The fact that the health visitor is stumped says to me that she can't figure out how the babies can be so atypical (extraordinary, if you will) - so healthy and happy at a size that "should" (if you ask the medical books) indicate problems. Some babies are just small. A friend of mine's daughter was so small she looked like a walking doll at a year old - adorable!! and very healthy, happy, and otherwise quite normal.
I'm glad the nursery visit went well. I really think it sounds like a perfect place for them to hang out while you do grownup stuff like work. Very exciting! I hope the visit from M&J goes well too. There is a lot on your plate right now - don't beat yourself up for feeling tense. I feel tense sometimes facing much less than you are.
I think you're holding up remarkably well.
Oh - and I will never be bored reading anything you write. You are more than a blogger to me - you're a friend keeping me in touch with how you're doing from day to day, whether you realize it or not.
Thank you for keeping in touch.
Posted by: Lisa at February 22, 2008 04:36 PM (EcHBm)
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Sorry to hear they haven't gained. Have you tried making the formula more concentrated? Karen has a bunch of posts (my perky ovaries) about making more calorific milk for her daughter, but essentially it's about adding another scoop of formula to get to milk that's about 24-26 calories/oz rather than 21 calories/oz or wherever it starts from. Worth a try?
Posted by: thalia at February 22, 2008 04:55 PM (IGlgm)
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Have you tried making more concentrated formula? Adding another scoop of powder to the same volume of liquid? Karen has been doing this for her preemies and it seems to be helping. She (my perky ovaries) has some posts you could use to do the calculations if you want. Worth a try?
Posted by: thalia at February 22, 2008 04:57 PM (IGlgm)
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Scott was a runt for a long time. He was 8lbs 7oz at birth, but at 5 weeks was just over 7lbs. At Christmas (his birthday is in Oct.) he was still wearing the outfits he had been wearing since birth. I was frought with worry, as Veronica was born at 9 1/2 lbs and by Christmas (Oct birth too) she had been in the 110th percentile. Scott was gaining and losing back and forth. Then at 6 months, like magic, he went completely bald and got chubby. He just kept going from there and at a year was in the 90th percentile. Not that percentiles are the end-all-be-all, but he grew. I don't know how or why, but for the first 6 months he didn't really grow much at all, then he did. The babies might amaze you and all of a sudden have a growth spurt out of nowhere. Cold comfort now, but they are healthy in every way-their weight just needs to catch up with them, and I believe it will.
Good news on the nursery-Alice sounds like she will be great with the Lemonheads and the nursery sounds lovely.
Posted by: Teresa at February 22, 2008 04:58 PM (4iQg6)
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Both of my daughters were robust and big babies. My nephew was not. He was terribly thin, and always appeared to me to be emaciated. He was always in the lowest percentiles in terms of his age/weight.
My mother was concerned, and bombarded my sister with all kinds of advice. My wife shook her head and insisted that my sister wasn't feeding the baby enough.
Today my nephew is a typical 3 year old boy. Energetic as hell and very smart.
The only expert on the babies is YOU. If they seem OK to you, then the hell with everyone else.
Posted by: ~Easy at February 22, 2008 05:11 PM (XD24A)
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I would repeat what others have said and that you already know. I struggle with a tiny girl - in fact was pressured to stop nursing because of it. No matter what your head knows, it's stressful to hear that your babies aren't gaining wait "as they should." But you know it all - alert, happy, learning things, good color, clear eyes all mean they are FINE.
You have every right to complain, you are stressed and understandably so. I'm thinking of you!
Posted by: donna at February 22, 2008 05:14 PM (TzLxV)
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Personally I will be dissapointed to read about anything else, plus it isnt always about the bebes, you sprinkle in other stuff too!
Posted by: Cheryl at February 22, 2008 06:00 PM (n3lCA)
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But . . . but I
like the baby posts!
Posted by: Uccellina at February 22, 2008 06:26 PM (Xi5Ly)
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I actually called my Mom yesterday to ask if PPD at this stage of the game is unheard of. Its just hard Helen, this new life is such an adjustment, much more than you can ever anticipate. Having the health visitor so frequently just stresses you out, its good for the babies but its also a lot to deal with, keeping their size in the front of your mind, always.
Hang in there, I know thats crap but it's all I have for you.
Posted by: Christina at February 22, 2008 07:22 PM (J6Yo6)
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Oh babe. I told my hubby when we were in the NICU that I discovered how eating disorders were born - just tell the mother of a newborn infant three little words: "Failure. To. Thrive."
Now take a deep breath. And realize that the stupid twit doctor who actually uttered those dreaded words to me was speaking about that sturdy toddler you are forced to look at ad nauseum in my flickr stream.
I hope that helps ease your mind about growth. Screw those fucking charts. Nick and Nora are doing wonderfully. They just didn't get the memo about the charts, you know?
And in conclusion I believe I've told you before but I'l repeat it again: I'd read your grocery list (and I think I have, haven't I?) - but I'm thrilled to read about your babies and am always willing to offer my shoulder in support. These months are really, really tough on even the most resilient of people - and you've definitely got the Blue Plate Special of stress.
Remember to be kind to yourself. And that you are loved. And that this, too, shall pass.
xoxo
Posted by: Margi at February 22, 2008 07:48 PM (IYBY1)
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I too, like the baby posts.
I love hearing about your family. Just wondering, when you are talking to Angus or the kids, do you ever accidentally call them by the names listed here?
Posted by: Andria at February 22, 2008 10:09 PM (Oo4k1)
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Helen, just an idea for the babies... maybe try to add a bit of cereal to their bottles - a tablespoon or two, depending on how much formula they're taking at a time. Clancy and I had to do it for our little one because of her reflux but I've also heard of people doing it to add calories and nutrients. Just a thought...
Posted by: Jodi at February 22, 2008 10:19 PM (oqnmF)
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I'm sorry you're having a difficult time. I have only recently gotten away from the weight-based paranoia I had with P given the difficult time she had gaining weight thanks to reflux. It didn't help that loads of people would always say, "What a dink!" or "She's so small! She's way too tiny for a six month old!", etc etc. I felt like not only had I failed to create a baby without help, but I couldn't even keep her healthy and nourished.
P was only about 11 1/2 pounds at 6 months, and as of today, is a robust 21 lb 19 month old. She is still only about 20% for weight and height, but I've gradually accepted that she's just, ahem, "petite". She is healthy, and that's what matters. As long as Nick and Nora are healthy, screw the percentiles.
I hope you feel better soon. Also, where can I get readers to send me books??
Posted by: MsPrufrock at February 22, 2008 11:54 PM (1NDGw)
26
hmmmm, i think doctors exist to make parents paranoid about a baby's weight. My son is now 16 months old and has always been in the low percentiles for weight. I got so sick of hearing people say how small he was, wondering how he could be so petite when my husband and I are both quite tall. He is now in the 85th percentile for height and 10th for weight,and I have finally quit worrying about it.
It sounds as though the twins are doing fine. They will gain. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job. Even if you have "everything you ever wanted", parenting is hard. Life is hard. Marriage/partnership is hard. Balancing it all is even harder. Sometimes you just want to wander the aisles of the grocery store and then go home and chug a bottle of wine! It's ok to complain.
Posted by: sarah at February 23, 2008 12:08 AM (2hQM0)
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No advice, just sending a hug your way. There are good days and bad days, high and lows, up and downs.
Like Thalia said, maybe check out Karen at My Perky Ovaries. Her Ellie is a small one who is having trouble gaining weight as well.
You are a great mom. Don't think that in anyway their slow weight gain has anythhing to do with you. They are just being typical children, not doing what you want them to do. I feel you will probably have many more years of dealing with this!
Posted by: Erica at February 23, 2008 12:46 AM (D6tE/)
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I come here for your honesty, not to live your exciting life vicariously. So, you're down. If you didn't feel down, would the ups be as sweet and welcome? Your life is changing at a frantic pace and has been for a while. If you didn't feel down, I'd be concerned. Feel free to feel! As long as you are feeling, you are still alive. That counts for something, doesn't it? I'm sure it does to your wonderful man and beautiful babies.
Posted by: malenkka at February 23, 2008 01:00 AM (qYb7+)
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Do not ever apologize for posting about the children or your life in general. That's what we come here for. The babies ARE beautiful, Helen, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Posted by: kenju at February 23, 2008 03:34 AM (yvCMb)
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I heard the words of my therapist while I read your post. It went like this: Girl! Don't you know by now that you don't need a reason for your feelings? They don't have to be justified.
They just are.
Hugs to you and everyone in the house (and the yard).
Posted by: Stella at February 23, 2008 04:09 AM (sFS+Z)
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I work with families of babies who are struggling to gain weight.
I have had great success with avacado as one of the first solids. Babies love it very very ripe and mushed up. It is *so* high in fat (the good kind). And it is green.
Perhaps try sweet potato and bananas.
Posted by: Kitty at February 23, 2008 05:45 PM (9Emp0)
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