I told you about my friend Vicki. Her twin boys were born early and born ill after a very scary, dangerous delivery, a delivery that kept Vicki in hospital for a while.
Her boys had a hard start - a long stay in NICU for both of them, and they weren't well.
Vicki was discharged from the hospital and took up a temporary local residence to be close to her boys.
One of her sons, J, was discharged from the hospital in May. He had similar issues to Nick - jaundice, poor feeder, tiny. But he started to grow and started to thrive.
Vicki's other son B stayed in hospital. He needed a shunt. He needed heart surgery. They tried to operate but his blood pressure plummeted.
Vicki went quiet about mid-June. I hadn't heard from her. I worried.
I heard from her last night - her little boy, B, passed away the 22nd of June.
Once again, please, I am asking your help for words of love and encouragement for my friend - you can comment here as she's back online and reading, or you can send me an email and I'll forward it to her. We can't make this better, we can't make this go away, but we can let her know she's not alone in the world as she faces both her grief for B and her hopes for J. I just desperately hope to garner some words of support and kindness for my friend, who has a hole in her heart now.
-H.
1
Oh fuck it.
I'm so so sorry. Sending her my thoughts.
Posted by: Veronica at July 09, 2008 09:58 AM (8aaB2)
2
No words... just sending love and prayers. xx
Posted by: Flikka at July 09, 2008 10:05 AM (o19Kc)
3
I've been running through things to say here... and I honestly can't come up with anything. I guess it's like you said - she just needs to know she's not alone. The world is probably a very dark, dreary place for her right now... even though it doesn't look like it, there are people around, willing to help, to be there. I just hope she knows that, somewhere... she's not alone.
Posted by: Hannah at July 09, 2008 10:10 AM (lUH62)
4
I am so sorry...I will keep Vicki and her family in my thoughts and am sending love through to them all.
Posted by: Suzie at July 09, 2008 10:28 AM (weSjv)
5
I too am struggling to find the right words, but just a message to let your friend know she is in my heart and thoughts through this difficult time. I honestly can't imagine her pain. Karie
Posted by: Karie at July 09, 2008 10:29 AM (/0RPt)
6
I am so so sorry to hear this but want you to know that I'm sending you good thoughts to keep strong xx
Posted by: Mei at July 09, 2008 11:35 AM (k5T+Z)
7
I'm so awfully, dreadfully sorry. Ah god, even my imagination turns away from that pain.
Posted by: anna at July 09, 2008 12:41 PM (bA7b1)
8
Her pain is just inimaginable to me. Her story breaks my heart, I hope she finds healing in time and in her healthy baby J.
H- I am sure you have but remind her that asking for help is NOT a sign of weakness, I am betting this isnt something she should attempt to do on her own.
She and her family are in my heart today.
Posted by: Christina at July 09, 2008 12:42 PM (BxSFh)
9
Oh, Vicki, what a loss. I'm so sorry.
Posted by: Suze at July 09, 2008 12:42 PM (0doyF)
10
Unimaginable. I am so sorry.
Posted by: Dotty at July 09, 2008 12:45 PM (0hLIO)
11
Vicki,
I'm very sorry for your loss. My sister passed away when I was 12, and it was the only time I've ever seen my rock solid dad cry. I don't know how hard it is to lose a child but have seen it very closely and sympathize with you greatly. I've heard it said and believe it's true, "No one should ever lose a child."
My religion teaches me that children who pass away are in a glorious place. In fact, it's so glorious that if we could actually imagine it, we'd wish we were there instead of here. But I pray (and I'm not just saying that, I really am praying for you) that God will grant you peace and the ability to move forward without forgetting your sweet son.
Posted by: Solomon at July 09, 2008 01:05 PM (x+GoF)
12
I am so sorry. Thoughts are with you.
Sarah
Posted by: Sarah at July 09, 2008 01:09 PM (BZerq)
13
I am so sorry for your loss. Thinking of Vicki and her family.
Posted by: jac at July 09, 2008 01:41 PM (7P8vq)
14
I am so sorry for the loss of B. Thinking of Vicki and her family.
Posted by: jac at July 09, 2008 01:42 PM (7P8vq)
15
My English is leaving me here, and i am only able to say that I can't by far imagine what this torment feels like. So sorry for their loss.
Lily
Posted by: Lily at July 09, 2008 01:47 PM (DWmqa)
16
Oh no. I am so unbelievably sorry. There are no good words to comfort such a horrific loss. Helen, I'm so sorry for your friend Vicki's loss. There is no comfort for such a dark, dark place, is there? How horrific.
Vicki, know that you are loved, and cared for and that your son's memory is alive and well in the blogosphere - he will not be forgotten, as our memories are long and loving and heartfelt. We don't forget. I will keep him in my heart.
No one should ever, ever know the pain of losing a child. I am so sorry.
Posted by: Karen at July 09, 2008 01:52 PM (0M6oQ)
17
No words. I cannot imagine the agony your friend is feeling. I am so, so sorry for her loss and suffering. Big hugs to her and her family, and wishing her peace in the days to come....
Posted by: jodie38 at July 09, 2008 02:12 PM (4twyr)
18
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you comfort and peace...in time.
Posted by: Lauren at July 09, 2008 02:16 PM (Pt1kf)
19
That is awful. I am so sorry. Vicki and her family will be in my prayers. Her son will never be forgotten.
Posted by: Jen at July 09, 2008 02:25 PM (/KD5W)
20
I'm so sorry.
I have no words, only tears.
Posted by: Lisa at July 09, 2008 03:23 PM (hkgEp)
21
I am so sorry Vicki. You are not alone in your grief and many loving thoughts are with you.
Posted by: Meg at July 09, 2008 03:44 PM (ALAmK)
22
Vicki, Please know that the thoughts and prayers of many folks around the world are with you and J. As others have said, you are not alone...Michele in Atlanta, USA
Posted by: Michele at July 09, 2008 03:58 PM (DtKJk)
23
I don't even know what to say except that I am so sorry and that I'll be keeping her and J and her family in my thoughts today. Love.
Posted by: Meredith at July 09, 2008 04:27 PM (5MZai)
Posted by: JuliaS at July 09, 2008 04:37 PM (Ftuq7)
25
Vicki, words fail me.
I'm so sorry to hear about your devastating loss.
Posted by: megan at July 09, 2008 05:21 PM (jy7KI)
26
No words to express my sympathies. Whatever small comfort words may be, know that we are all grieving for you and your family. Peace.
Posted by: irshlas at July 09, 2008 05:43 PM (gubE9)
27
Vicki, I'm so sorry for your loss. That's the only thing I can say, as I know that nothing will make you feel better for a long long time.
Posted by: statia at July 09, 2008 05:45 PM (5IjqH)
28
Vicki--I am so incredibly sorry. There are no good words, but I wanted you to know how much we're all thinking about you and your family.
Posted by: Mel at July 09, 2008 05:55 PM (iXUTr)
29
I am so terribly sorry. To have gone through a long NICU battle and then be faced with such a terrible tragedy is simply too much for anyone to bear. You will be in my thoughts.
Posted by: Alexa at July 09, 2008 06:19 PM (sM/EX)
30
Oh Vicki! I don't know what to say - and I always end up saying something stupid so I'll just say I'm sending love and light her way.
Posted by: Margi at July 09, 2008 06:30 PM (1B1Mk)
31
Vicki, I am so terribly sorry about your loss. My heart goes out to you and your new family during this time that's filled with so many conflicting emotions.
Posted by: Vicki at July 09, 2008 06:53 PM (v57BG)
32
I'm so incredibly sorry for your friend's loss.
Please, if you would, let her know that there is a wonderful community of women out there that know what she's going through -- she doesn't need a blog, just a computer. She can find discussion by other babylost mamas at
Glow In The Woods.
You're lovely to think of her like this.
Posted by: tash at July 09, 2008 07:18 PM (V/9Iz)
33
Im am so sorry. I'm sending up prayers for you and your family.
Posted by: Omnibus Driver at July 09, 2008 07:21 PM (WOXRM)
34
Oh Vicki. I'm so sorry.
Réquiem ætérnam dona eis, Dómine,
et lux perpétua lúceat eis.
Requiéscant in pace. Amen.
Posted by: B. Durbin at July 09, 2008 07:35 PM (tie24)
35
Aww Vicki I am so very sorry for your loss. Sending you prayers and hugs.
Posted by: Cori at July 09, 2008 08:22 PM (LumIA)
36
Oh Helen! Reading your post just made me cry. I had so hoped...
Please tell Vicki that I am sending love her way. I am so sorry for her loss. It just isn't right and it breaks my heart.
I sent her an email (in case she doesn't really remember me), too. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help.
Much love,
Stacie
Posted by: stacie at July 09, 2008 08:57 PM (Lr4xO)
37
I'm so so sorry. My heart hurts for your loss.
Posted by: donna at July 09, 2008 09:37 PM (0HRnQ)
38
Vicki,
My most profound sympathies are with you and your loved ones during this painful time. I hope somehow the good thoughts from everyone around the world who is thinking of you will bring comfort and ease the agony of your loss.
~Meg
Posted by: Meg at July 09, 2008 10:46 PM (1UZtD)
39
Helen, your post made me cry... I hadn't read about Vicki in your earlier post.
Vicki, I know it might be strange (or maybe not!) to receive thoughts of sympathy and support from total strangers, but I add my thoughts and prayers to those above. I cannot imagine the grief and pain you're experiencing. I am so,so sorry for your loss.
Posted by: Watson at July 09, 2008 10:58 PM (zw3TU)
40
Vicki,
There is so much pain with the loss of a child. You will never be over it, people will not know what to say and will usually say something wrong and hurtful, no one will ever take your child's place. Those are the hard facts from someone that has been there three times. A person that loses a spouse is a widow or widower. A person that loses their parents is an orphan. There is no word for someone that loses a child, that is how tragic it is.
My family and I will you and your husband and your little ones in our thoughts and prayers. Take every moment that you need. Your memories of your son will get you through the hardest moments but be sure you take care of yourself and feel encouraged to check out the online support groups and flickr groups for those that have lost children. Know that you will see your little one again, it does not fix anything but at least gives one hope in the darkest moments of their grieving.
All our love and thoughts are with you at this time and for every moment in the future.
Posted by: Melissa at July 09, 2008 11:06 PM (+Wg/4)
41
I wish I could thank all of you personally for taking time to send your thoughtful messages. I read every word and I can't express my gratitude enough. Thank you isn't near the words that I should send to Helen for doing this for me. I'm overwhelmed by all of you and thoughtfulness. I am allowing my mom and my husband to read your words as well hoping to show them why I NEED my laptop and your words might also help them. Thank you again. I love each and every one of you.
Love, Vicki
Posted by: Vicki at July 10, 2008 12:37 AM (r3Mwc)
42
I'm so sorry. Sending Vicki and her family my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: Katy at July 10, 2008 09:23 AM (D1v+a)
43
Wish there was something I could do or say that could help even a little bit. Help the pain of loss you feel or the pain comments by well mea ing people who attempt to comfot you. But there is nothing I can offer. Excpet empathy in infinaty amounts.
I too lost a child. My first born lived three weeks. Her heart failed. My heart still grieves 37 years later. My expereince is you will never get over the loss. Trust me when I say the pain never goes away; it just changes. I becomes more bearable. But I doubt there will be a day you do not remember your child with love.
Being maudlin or depressing is not my intention. Please know those of us who have lost a child know and share your pain.
Here are good supportive thoughts and feeling sent to you and your family.
Posted by: Charles at July 10, 2008 11:33 AM (maQJG)
44
My heart goes out to Vicki. Can a mother suffer a more terrible thing? I'm so sorry...
Posted by: sue at July 10, 2008 04:19 PM (WbfZD)
45
Dear Vicki,
I work in a NICU and know the strength of those tiny little babies. They fight as hard as they can, it's all they know. Sometimes the spirit is far stronger than the body. It's not fair that your little one struggled so or that your family went through so much. I'm so sorry. Your family will be in my prayers.
Posted by: Searching at July 10, 2008 04:46 PM (sAK30)
46
I had a friend whose wife had twins at a very early stage. Both weighed in around 2-3 pounds, so both were put into incubators. His son finally came home after about 10 months, while his daughter remained in the hospital. Eventually, she passed away, leaving a big hole in his heart. However, here's more or less what he said to me:
"We got the chance to love her for as long as she was here. We wanted more time with her- what parent doesn't?- but we cherished the time we had. At the end, that's what it's all about. And now we have a happy, thriving little boy who needs us as much, if not more, than we need him. So we'll give the love we had prepared for two children to one. He'll always be our little miracle, for whom we are exceedingly grateful."
Anyway, my prayers are with her.
Posted by: physics geek at July 10, 2008 05:54 PM (MT22W)
47
Just got back from a vacation with very limited Internet access, so I'm a bit late on catching up with the news. I'm sorry beyond words to hear of your friend's loss. Given that I've just spent a couple of days with some very bright, very loving, and very underappreciated children, something like this hits a few more personal notes than usual with me. My wife would probably understand better, she lost a young one many years ago to SIDS, back during her first marriage. My sympathies and prayers to Vicki and her family, and Helen I hope you forward this comment to her even at this late date.
Posted by: diamond dave at July 10, 2008 11:51 PM (MDgLK)
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I am so, so sorry. Many thoughts with you Vicki, and to your family.
Posted by: Teresa at July 11, 2008 10:41 PM (OYcTW)
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Posted by: keylogger remover at July 15, 2008 10:16 PM (+/s+h)
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Vicki, I would like to add my most sincere condolences for your loss. I can't imagine the conflicting emotions you are experiencing and how hard it must be to grieve for a child and cherish and care for another one at the same time. I also want to send loving thoughts to your son J., who has lost something so huge that it can't be put into words. I am so sorry.
Posted by: SusanG at July 16, 2008 05:05 PM (9cVlO)
Posted by: at February 27, 2009 12:20 PM (MuEBu)
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