Melissa and Jeff arrive today for a 5-day stay - Angus has just gone off to the airport to get them. This means that posting and mails will be slower this week, because a 15 year-old with a penchance for Googling about the band The Killers and an 11 year-old who's just gotten into World of Warcraft render us computer restricted in a very big way. We also want to spend quite a bit of time with them - they won't be back here for a long time, as once the extension starts there's simply no room for us all. Luckily, the kids understand. It's for the greater good that they can't be here for a while, and Angus will instead go to Stockholm to visit them. When the extension is done there will finally be a room for everyone.

Jeff is looking forward to it most, I think. Ousted by the babies, he currently sleeps on the pull-out sofabed in the study when he comes to visit. After the extension, the family bathroom gets ripped out and turned into a bedroom, and he gets that room complete with his own computer (an older one we have that needs rebuilding) as a thank you for being accommodating.

Through out everything, Jeff is the one who gets impacted the most. He's got a lot of issues, and Angus and I both think he really needs to speak to a therapist. When Angus mentioned this to the Swunt, she haughtily replied that Jeff is fine, that it's Angus who needs to see a shrink. We gave up then, but Jeff is a troubled lad. He's ripe for the cult-picking, I think - he gets ideas into his head and gets militant about them. I can see him wearing black sweats and purple sneakers and drinking the Kool-Aid. He overthinks everything. He acts out and lashes out and has a problem making his voice heard.

He confessed to Angus over New Year's that he knows he's acts up. He does it deliberately, he said, because he doesn't get attention otherwise. And we both think this is true - at home he's overlooked, the Swunt has other attentions.

The Swunt...ah, the Swunt. I alternate being deep hatred for the woman and pure disgust at her behavior. I'm sure she feels the same way about me, we're both baskets of love for the other person. I never, ever let on to anyone other than Angus how I feel (at Christmas one of Angus' nieces handed me a wrapped present and asked if I would be seeing Auntie Swunt anytime soon, and could I give her this gift? I smiled and said I wouldn't be seeing her, but I would be able to get the gift to her via Melissa and Jeff. See? I can be a grown-up occasionally. This despite the fact that the Swunt has sworn off Angus' family for good, as they "betrayed" her by not telling her about my pregnancy last year.) Neither Angus nor I ever let on to the kids how pissed off we are, but the pissed-offness is growing in magnitude.

Angus is the one who has to pay for all the kids' airfares. And the Swunt isn't good about being flexible on dates, we have to accommodate her schedule at all times and thus generally get stuck booking hideously expensive tickets. The kids wanted to come on Easter Sunday. The Swunt said no, it would have to be Monday. We thought it was because Easter was important to her (the Swunt is mildly religious) but it turns out the Swunt has opened a business in her house, and she presses the kids into labor. That was why. She often takes the opportunity to make out that Angus and I were being difficult about dates or didn't want them at certain times, when the truth is she's the one awkward about dates. It's so fun to try to battle so many windmills.

But what's really fucking me off is her attitude about Jeff. She doesn't see or doesn't want to see that he really has a lot he needs help working through. Every summer he gets dragged on long horse camp holidays with the Swunt and Melissa, as they're both horse crazy. Jeff not only could care less about horses, he's actually highly allergic to them. Imagine spending a week around horses, your inhaler clasped in your inner pocket.

Further, that holiday the Swunt took over New Year was a most unusual holiday that is nursing a new obsession. She went to Uruguay. Seriously. And considering she doesn't have an income, that the only income is from Angus' child support, I can guess who funded her little excursion. Turns out she's become mad about polo and South America, is now taking Spanish lessons and planning more horse-centric polo trips to South America and trying to rope the kids in. We know it's only a matter of time before she asks for money to help pay for the three of them to go to South America. Guess what response Angus has already prepared?

Melissa and the Swunt are taking Spanish lessons. Jeff? Not so much. Yet another thing he's excluded from. And he's mad about computers and quite good with them, but the Swunt doesn't care about computers at all and can't/doesn't encourage his interest.

I recognize I'm on a bit of a tear about her just now and I don't mean to be. I know and understand that a lot of what she's doing and feeling right now is because she probably feels like she gets her life back, and she wants to do things that make her happy. I get that. I'm also not trying to make out like I'm some kind of saint or anything, because believe me I'm not. There are times when I just want to throttle Jeff, he can be so maddening and I get weary of trying to tiptoe around him so much. But I want to grab the Swunt by the shoulders and shake her and scream "So what if you don't like computers, who gives a fuck if you'd rather be riding a horse? This kid needs you. He's screwed up and feels like no one in that house gives a shit. Straighten up and make him feel loved and secure. What, you want him to turn out like me or something?"

None of this will happen. We try to be encouraging and loving to both kids when they're here, especially since it'll be a while before they can come back and the Swunt will get her claws into both of the kids in our absence. I want them to leave here knowing how much we value them. It's all we can do, really. I just hope it'll be enough.

In the meantime, we'll be spending time with the kids. It's their favorite meal - curry - for dinner. I've recorded a number of films I think they'll like. And I've hidden the anti-depressants, because if the Swunt catches wind of the fact I'm on tablets I'm sure all hell will break loose.

-H.

PS - as ever, if commenting about the Swunt I'd be really grateful if you'd try to keep the pitchforks stowed in the garden shed.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:52 AM | Comments (20) | Add Comment
Post contains 1224 words, total size 7 kb.

1 I know you're venting. Pitchforks are locked in the shed, but I do have the keys close at hand. At the end of the day, all you can do is just what you're doing. Let your home be a haven of support and love for him, and hope that's enough. Just keep the purple Kool-Aide locked up with the pitchforks.

Posted by: ~Easy at March 24, 2008 10:58 AM (XD24A)

2 You and Angus are incredible. Enjoy your holiday with the kids, and good luck with the construction.

Posted by: Angela at March 24, 2008 11:57 AM (DGWM7)

3 Can I use my garden hoe?

Posted by: statia at March 24, 2008 12:31 PM (5IjqH)

4 Hoes are completely acceptable.

Posted by: Helen at March 24, 2008 01:00 PM (qcoRS)

5 Keep showing the children Jeff especially much love and support. He definately needs it. As for his ex...she is much like ours. I pity the situation as much as I do ours. Bless you for your patience.

Posted by: Cori at March 24, 2008 01:28 PM (wGDlm)

6 No pitchforks? I guess a semi-automatic is unacceptable as well. Solomon must be doing something REALLY wrong. I can't even afford to take a vacation at Disney World or Busch Gardens, and I can drive to both of those places. Everyone else goes on trips to Scotland, Uruguay, and France. Oh well, fortunately I'm content with the simple life style. And I REALLY don't need any polo in my life.

Posted by: Solomon at March 24, 2008 01:39 PM (x+GoF)

7 Reading about the Swunt, I just keep thinking how lucky those kids are to have you and Angus in their lives.

Posted by: geeky at March 24, 2008 01:40 PM (ziVl9)

8 I am a long time lurker, and just wanted to comment here because of my experience. My mother was like the ex, but i can say, I had a loving father and stepmother, who helped get me through live like the kids have you two, and trust me, they are very lucky. They will realize it. All you can do is keep doing what you're doing, and try and keep them in the right direction.

Posted by: Faith at March 24, 2008 02:44 PM (2dC+H)

9 You hang in there; you and Angus are the only positive people those kids have in their lives. Don't apologize for ranting about this because you need someplace to do it and here is as good or better as any. I have something I need to rant about, but I can't do it on my blog, since the person I want to rant about reads my blog.

Posted by: kenju at March 24, 2008 02:48 PM (yvCMb)

10 How 'bout the weed wacker? It's a powerful tool. Vent all you need. Be kind to the kids and enjoy your time. Everything will work itself out, because it's clear you both care.

Posted by: Waiting Amy at March 24, 2008 03:02 PM (ecQ9f)

11 I have to admit--I'm kinda proud of my naming abilities. :-) That Jeff is aware he acts up is a good thing. Like, a not-so-Heaven's-Gate-susceptible kind of good thing. And if she hears about the tablets, perhaps just say that you have to take them to calm down your massive libido, lest you spend all your time in the sack with her ex, boinking like bunnies and conceiving new babies just to spite her. (Shhh. let me have my wicked thoughts, wouldja?)

Posted by: Ms. Pants at March 24, 2008 03:19 PM (+p4Zf)

12 I have one of those nasty looking Garden Claws. How about that?

Posted by: Teresa at March 24, 2008 04:51 PM (+2Rd0)

13 My oldest went through a very similar time last summer at 15. He was crying out for attention and admitted it to me. He stated "if you piss me off I will just piss you off and then I win" I think he was right. It is much better now, but that was with some therapy and some intense one on one attention. We have tried very hard to support his interests even though none of us really share them. You and Angus are doing all you can, and it's unfortunate that his mother doesn't seem to see that her son is in pain. When you say that she has got her life back and just wants to do what she wants...well that would be great if she were all by herself, but with children to look after she still needs to put their needs ahead of her own sometimes.

Posted by: the mother hen at March 24, 2008 05:04 PM (Ktqpp)

14 I'll reserve my comments relating to the swunt, but, I think she deserves a swift kick in her ever-expanding arse.

Posted by: Andria at March 24, 2008 06:55 PM (Oo4k1)

15 I think we need to start the stepmom's blog. Frak, I'm sure there's already one out there. Having troubled step children truly, truly is one of the most excruciating things ever, because as a step parent, your hands are so tied. If you're able to be there and give love and not take the bait when Jeff dishes it out, you're doing better than I do most of the time. My step-daughter LOVES to start things for attention - and she doesn't even care if what she gets back is heaps of negative...attention is attention. I wish you were able to get him to a therapist. Is there any chance after the expansion is done that he could live with you guys, and just visit the swunt? Just wondering, as it almost sounds like that's where he'd fit in better. Granted, in the past it sounded like he was pretty protective of his mum. Poor kid.

Posted by: Tracy at March 24, 2008 07:24 PM (zv3bS)

16 Ok, I put the pitchfork away, but I'm bringing the torches instead mmkay? The babies will love all the extra attention, and Jeff will be their hero that will miss them the most, which means that sooner or later, he'll make the decision to live with you permanantly. See, the babies are all kinds of blessing.

Posted by: Donna at March 24, 2008 08:36 PM (WfV2L)

17 (hurls pitchfork, then runs) I so feel for you and Jeff. The poor kid is confused and you and Angus are the only real stable things in his life, yet his time with the two of you is limited. Too bad there wasn't some legal solution to the situation (since there obviously won't be an amicable meeting of the minds) but you've already stated that's a dead deal. Just hang in there and do the best you can. Some good news on my front, our estranged middle daughter who left without a word back in December just recently started communicating with us again. Mainly her mother, but they're the ones that need it the most. So good things can happen.

Posted by: diamond dave at March 24, 2008 08:44 PM (M65l2)

18 Helen, being a stepmom is a hard job and I feel for you. Daily I have to bite my tongue over my stepson. I am counting the days till he is 18 and out of my house. I know it sound horrible but he is trying my marriage everyday. I don't talk to my husbands ex at ALL. She is a "hoe" to put it mildly. Have fun with the kids..

Posted by: Monica at March 24, 2008 11:25 PM (rlAwz)

19 I don't even own a pitch fork but I could probably get my hands on one of those polo sticks. I live in one of the highest level of pretension per capita areas in the US.

Posted by: Stephen Macklin at March 25, 2008 01:00 AM (R7LgM)

20 Just keep doing the Right Thing. We won't tell anyone if you get a righteous feeling from doing so.

Posted by: B. Durbin at March 25, 2008 01:54 AM (tie24)

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