OK, I have some bitching to do. I'm going to get it out of my system now. I'm actually - believe it or not - in a relatively good mood, despite the fact that I have a million fucking things to do today, none of which are getting done as I sit here and type of this blog post.

Oh well.

So my bitch list. And as misery loves company I'll be asking you to contribute any bitchiness that you have.

1) Sinus infections. I can't stop getting them and, while I love a good nugget clear out from my brain, I'm rather over that feeling of having my brain squeezed and my nasal packages packed to the brim, making bending over something not so pleasant to do.

2) The post office and the Home Office. The post office (known here as Royal Mail) sent my Indefinite Leave to Remain application to the wrong office, despite my clear instructions written on the front to, you know, deliver my fucking application where I asked it to be delivered. The Home Office only just got my application, whereupon they cheerfully deducted £750 out of my account within seconds of it making a plopping sound on some poor soul's desk. Of course, them taking the money is indicative of nothing - they're actually quoting me 14 weeks before they'll have a decision.

Cue the ulcer going off in my stomach.

3) I had an idea for something to arrange at work. There is a forum missing that needs to be done. I discussed this with my manager, and she and her line above her are backing me. I went to a resource owner to arrange this forum.

I was told my idea was commendable, but not possible. Too many logistics.

I'd handle the logistics, I argued.

You don't know how, came the reply. Commendable, but impossible.

And that, my friends, is the fucking gauntlet thrown down. No one tells me something can't be done without me giving it a try. Maybe (probably) I'll fuck up, but I get to at least try.

4) Extended family should get it that they're either in or out. Angus' sister-in-law (whom he used, combined with the Swunt, in an analogy to explain an observation he made about me last night. That was a popular moment, I tell you. I think I'd rather be compared to Stalin than either of them) has really fucked me off in a right royal way. This is The Minister's Wife, the one who knows absolutely everything about children and is quite happy to unleash her unsolicited opinion on you at a moment's notice (cue her calling to tell us to not put our children in nursery as we wouldn't bond with them. What a bitch.)

Anyway, The Minister and his Missus have been arguing for years that Christmas should have no presents for adults. This, not because they're broke - in fact they are the highest earners of any of us as although she doesn't work he works too much and was happy to tell us he makes almost £200,000 a year - but because every Christmas they wait until days before the big day then hit the shopping centres with every single mug out there to try to buy all at once. They're tired of that.

Be more prepared, we argued. Like the rest of us. Listen they did not. Ignore us they did.

This year Angus' mum suggested we just do a Secret Santa type arrangement for the adults. Angus' other brother and I agreed right away - the credit crunch is making life hard. But The Minister's Wife crowed immediately.

You're finally coming round to our way of thinking! said her snotty email. This followed by the fact that they're skipping the usual family Christmas.

This really fucked me off. Not the skipping Christmas part, because The Minister and I got into it last Christmas and he's not top of my happy list just now. Her whole "our way of thinking" ripped the skin right off my ass.

I think we're "coming around to your way of thinking" due to the credit crunch, not because we can't be doing with walking around shopping centres two days before Christmas. Not like I know anyone who would do such a thing. was my reply.

Cue Angus' mum trying to manage me and The Minister's Wife storming off in an email huff.

I know I should try to keep the peace, but I've really had it. I am not known as Auntie Helen because Angus and I are not married. And now The Minister's Wife's brother has had his first child, and all she can keep saying is that she's finally an Auntie. Funny that - Angus' brothers have 4 children and I consider myself an Auntie to all of them. The Minister's Wife doesn't see herself as an Auntie to Melissa, Jeff, Nick or Nora then. Which is fine - if she's not an Auntie then she doesn't need to see them, does she?

5) I had to call the local county council. There's a farm nearby that was run by a transgender (we never could figure out which gender he was going to and from). The man/woman left, leaving the place a tip. He/she ripped out all the fences, trashed the place, and thoughtfully left behind a whole herd of cows, which without the fences are stomping all over the beautiful woods nearby, the ones where the bluebells come up in.

And they're not exactly cows.

They're giant fuck off bulls, ones that would make Ferdinand look like a badger.

So I call the council today.

I get put through to the Footpath line.

I feel like a total loser for actually calling a council's footpath line.

"Hi, I'm calling about a footpath nearby?" I say to the woman.

"Yes?"

"Yeah, the fence from a local farm has been removed and there are cows all over the footpath, and into the woods nearby."

Silence.

"Cows?"

"Yes. Cows."

"On the footpath?"

"Yes. Cows. On the footpath."

Silence.

I try again. "They're actually not cows, they're bulls. Loose bulls, not cows. I mean, I'm not afraid of a cow." Christ I sound like such an anorak.

Silence.

"Did I mention I saw rats, too?"

"We'll have someone to the property today, Madam."

When all cows fail, resort to rodent infestation.

If you want to keep me company and have a stab at the Bitch mike, go on ahead.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:12 AM | Comments (28) | Add Comment
Post contains 1093 words, total size 6 kb.

1 Sorry, I can't think of anything to bitch about just now because I'm laughing too much. "When all cows fail, resort to rodent infestation" I shall probably be snickering all day. What's the betting that you end up buying for Mrs Minister in the Secret Santa?

Posted by: Caroline M at April 03, 2009 09:52 AM (x3QDi)

2 People who feel the need to comment on the fact that I've lost weight ... "You're not going to lose any more are you, you're starting to look fragile" Fragile, huh! I'm the fittest/strongest I've ever been, call me fragile again, and get within arms reach, and I'll show how "fragile" I am

Posted by: Amanda at April 03, 2009 10:11 AM (Lcghc)

3 You bitsh list inculded many Bitches. And each and every one I have encountered on way too many occassions. And not all have been of the XX persuasion. Of these species and sub-species the ones I really cannot abide are the hyprocritical, more pious than you, better than you species you refert oas minister-minister's wife. Good luck dealing withe them. Maybe you could report them to be rodent infested ( which thye are) to the local county council.

Posted by: Charles at April 03, 2009 11:17 AM (maQJG)

4 Last night my daughter participated in a high school chorus concert, in addition with the elementary and middle schools in our local cluster (a somewhat formal event). There were over 600 people in attendance, so it was held at the local mega-church. I managed to keep my irritation in check at the tendency of the faculty to give a speech before every song (I came to listen to the kids singing, not adults taking every opportunity to flap their holes in front of a mike). But what almost sent me over the edge was the inbred redneck trailer trash of a parent sitting directly behind us that felt the need to stand up after every piece and yell WOO-HOO!! WAY TO GO (fill in his poor kids' names)!! My wife & I wanted to take turns wrapping his balls around his neck so he'd shut the living fuck up. I cannot stand parents that show a total lack of class at formal or semi-formal events for their kids. Good enough bitch for ya? (ps- sorry for the caps, I know you hate that. But I can't think of any better way to comment just how obnoxious that individual was last night.)

Posted by: diamond dave at April 03, 2009 11:21 AM (RIYji)

5 Your timing is perfect. I came home last night, and, walking in the house, pulled what I thought was a bit of windblown paper from the shrubs by the front steps. It was, in fact, a curled-up, rain soaked ticket for putting my trash on the curb an hour and 10 minutes early af few nights before. In the shrubbery. Now, was this mere laziness? did the ticket writer fling it from the car window and hope for the best? My front door complete with mail slot was mere steps away, but that would involve exiting the car... My cynicism doesn't discount the possibility that they wouldn't enjoy a bit of additional revenue if I never see the ticket and get fined for not paying... The trash tickets are presented to us as "quality of life" enforcement... yet the same city department is responsible for maintaining street signs, and not 10 feet away is a graffiti covered stop sign... no revenue to be had there, so it remains...

Posted by: Suze at April 03, 2009 12:23 PM (eVSGm)

6 Room mothers at school. I hate them. I hate every last parent-teacher organization mother I've had to deal with over the last several weeks. Seriously thinking of home schooling . . .

Posted by: oddybobo at April 03, 2009 01:36 PM (mZfwW)

7 I've got one...9 out of 10 times I try to comment, it won't let me!

Posted by: kristen at April 03, 2009 01:53 PM (pB1g/)

8 oh god, where to even start. I'll be back when I have a spare moment. I need a good bitch session. I'll leave you with one: people who can't fucking be on time if their life (or job) depended on it - fired just such a one yesterday.

Posted by: Carol at April 03, 2009 02:58 PM (CCDiK)

9 At the beginning of the year my husband, who was a recovering addict, "fell off the wagon" so to speak. I asked him to move out and filed for divorce on a Tuesday. He lost his job on a Friday, got fired to be exact for being a total fuck wad and all that fun addict behavior. Then on Saturday while I was supervising visitation with his son he got angry, withdrawl form drugs, and threw things at my head and got glass on my son from a picture he broke. I had him arrested and he has been in jail for almost three weeks. In that time I have had to deal with a DHS woman who told me that if this happened again she would take my son away. Even though in the next breathe she told me he was required to have visits and they were required to be supervised. Possibly by me... Then his mother called me two days ago and gave me the right act about how unfair it was that my son didn't get to go down to the JAIL to visit his daddy and how I couldn't keep him away from him for that long, etc, etc. Her main concern was that it was unfair to HIM to not get to see his son... Him?? When did this become about him?? Shouldn't this be about my two year old who will not understand why he has to see daddy through a video monitor? Shouldn't this be about my two year old who had to watch his daddy throwing things and carrying on and who JUST NOW has stopped reliving the story to me daily?? But oh no... he would never MEAN to hurt us. People have these episodes all the time... you can't think about the what if's. No one was hurt and you are blowing this whole thing out of proportion an making it way worse than it was. Yeah... that's it!! F-U-C-K you lady!! Oh... and thank you for letting me hijack your blog to rant about what I can not right now on mine!! I feel SOOO much better :-)

Posted by: Heather at April 03, 2009 06:01 PM (66jI5)

10 The sister inlaw sounds absolutely horrible. What a bitch. Good for you outing her on the internet. And as for the bulls, I will now stop complaining about the feral cat population in my neighborhood.

Posted by: Stacey at April 03, 2009 06:38 PM (L0ucp)

11 This could be a long list! People who try to school me on my job when they not absolutely nothing about the client group i work with. People who complain they hardly ever see you and expect you to carry the friendship making all the plans and always wait for you to call. The woman at work who asks for advice, doesnt listen, talks over asked for advice and says 'innit' at the end of every sentence. I just hope she is not there forever! Pigeons - they are vermin who carry vermin, they can ruin my day. Using the tube. In Laws who have an opnion on everything and want to share it with you. Library fines. I think i should get off my soap box now, although i reckon i could carry on forever! Abs x

Posted by: abs at April 03, 2009 07:02 PM (KT+zA)

12 Well, mine seems a petty annoyance at this point, but here it is: One of my brothers is forever prioritizing his in-laws and their family over his own. He did it at Christmas, arriving two hours late for dinner because his ILs were sending over "Santa" at an unspecified time. After sending out (email) birthday invitations on behalf of our almost 4yo for coffee and cake this coming weekend, three weeks in advance of the event, I got a call a week ago from same brother telling me they would be stopping in only briefly because they had been invited to an early dinner at his SIL's house because she's leaving for Maui and won't be at Easter dinner with the rest of her family. It just burns my butt that dinner with his SIL is that much more important that his nephew's family birthday party. I mean really, I should be accommodating him and hosting the party in my hospital room the following weekend (but not Easter Sunday!) just after having had another c-section, right?

Posted by: Tinker at April 03, 2009 07:11 PM (rU3SM)

13 Oh, and can I make a suggestion for the sinus infections? Sinus rinses. My husband discovered them because of his apnea and when I read more, learned that they're supposed to help clear up and prevent sinus infections. It's just a plastic bottle used to squirt saline up your nose and through your sinuses.

Posted by: Tinker at April 03, 2009 07:15 PM (rU3SM)

14 I'm with Kristen, your server's a complete bitch who hates your commenters! I'm sure your comments would triple if it weren't for Fluffy the Spamdog, or whatever MuNu call it. I am the ONLY ONE who knows A) where the bin bags live, B) where the laundry basket is and C) how to wipe a kitchen surface. Snarl.

Posted by: Hairy Farmer Family at April 03, 2009 07:17 PM (IsWmW)

15 I have an addition to #1. The side effects that go with treating sinus infections (amoxicillin --> diarrhea). Especially annoying when one is traveling.

Posted by: BeachGirl at April 03, 2009 07:19 PM (0o7EQ)

16 One more thing: Happy year-and-a-half to the Lemonheads!

Posted by: Tinker at April 03, 2009 07:23 PM (rU3SM)

17 The nanny left the prize winning Easter bonnet I made 3 years ago for my daughter at the son's music class today. Rare is the time I do crafts for my kids. I'm the mother whose efforts for school dress up days etc are paltry in comparison to teh uber-mums at school. This was my pride and joy. And by the time I see her again I will have forgotten about it and the husband failed to impress upon her when he got home to this news that I would be cross cross, cross. Rereading this I sound like an idiot which makes me feel better. Yup I hate mu mu too

Posted by: Betty M at April 03, 2009 07:57 PM (Fcfou)

18 Hell yeah, I'm stepping up to the mike! WHere to start. The tube. Smelly people on the tube. The fact that the picadilly line ALWAYS fucking terminates at Raynors Lane when the wind is howling and it's raining Work. Politics. People who think just cos they stamp their feet and shout a bit things will happen. Its not feasible means .. erm. IT"S NOT FUCKING FEASIBLE. You know what? my life would be so much easier if I could deliver everything that you wanted. I dont CHOOSE to just arbitrarily say no to certain projects. When I say no it's for a reason. OK fuckwit? And by the way. I dont presume to tell you how ot do your job so have a bit of respect Jelly beans. I love jelly beans. WHY ARE THEY SO EXPENSIVE Starbucks running out of skinny ginger muffins. Please dont, I need a muffin every now and then! DId I mention work? Socks, why do my socks always twist round on my feet so the heel part is on top? And finally, the EVIL BLACK CAT that terrorises my darling precious and so gentle fur baby. You black bastard. leave my cat alone! Phew ... OK, deep breath ... and .... R E L A X! Thanks for that )

Posted by: Moira at April 03, 2009 08:27 PM (UGBIN)

19 Here's a bitch or two for you: 1. Seconding or thirding, whatever, sinus infections. I enjoy sleeping sitting up, breathing through my mouth until my tongue and raw and swollen, and having snot drip from my nose when I finally fall asleep. 2. Clients who think they are lawyers. Here's a word to them: When you want to go to law school and take the bar, and then think about the cases in the middle of the night, you can. Until then, leave me alone to do my work. 3. Ditto to the office staff who begrudge the lawyers for leaving early - to them I say, when you want to work nights, early mornings, and weekends because the stuff's gotta get done and the buck stops with you, be my guest. Until then, back off. 4. People who volunteer to help w/ book clubs and then drop off the face of the earth -- oops, that one was me, sorry.

Posted by: PHX Mama at April 03, 2009 08:51 PM (Xl39M)

20 I went to the doctor today and got told I have a raging sinus infection, so I'm not a fan either. The sister-in-law has some problems, I take it, and one of them is being judgmental. Remind her that the Bible says "Judge not, lest YE be judged". I think another of her problems is the "holier-than-thou" syndrome. I'd kick her to the road....(well, not really...but I'd sure like to.)

Posted by: kenju at April 03, 2009 09:45 PM (hMUhQ)

21 1. My MIL having a cake for my husband on his birthday on Wednesday, while I was at work. 2. Every day that I have to go to said work, and keep from plucking the eyeballs out of my co-worker who completely went behind my back to the Administration in my school to comlpain about the same shit she says to my students on a daily basis. If you knew me, you'd realize what a task this actually is - and I'm not pharmacetuically assisted, but sometimes wish I had a Xanax drip.

Posted by: Beth at April 04, 2009 01:08 AM (KELSj)

22 I am so over fucking sinus infections. I've had about 900 so far this year and it's only April.

Posted by: Dotty at April 04, 2009 04:29 AM (0hLIO)

23 How about brain surgery last year and sinus surgery this year...enough said

Posted by: Erica at April 04, 2009 06:51 AM (MnSSx)

24 Exhaustion. Plain and simple. A new baby and a toddler. Neither of whom sleep. A partner who did his back and has been unable to get out of bed. More later. Like tomorrow. Maybe. Oh and ((hugs))

Posted by: Veronica at April 04, 2009 11:44 AM (l5geK)

25 I'd add my own, but the explaination really is too long and kind of icky. So let's just leave it at bacterial infections.

Posted by: D at April 04, 2009 04:47 PM (2Q9WD)

26 Day six of hospital for complications related to minor surgery 2 weeks ago, a blood clot and now 3 separate infection. If one more doctor tells me that I am more likely to have get infections due to my Ehler Danlos syndrome I will shoot him. This is not the case and just shows that doctor's lack of knowledge about my disease process. I also have a recurrence of my MRSA sinus infection which will mean another central line IV for 6 weeks of IV antibiotics, so I am hosting my own pity part today! So I feel the sinus pain of your infection and can second the recommendation of the rinses, they do work in most cases. My only high point has been a infectious disease doc who drove from Herman Memorial (45 minutes away)to see me and didn't give me any easy answers but said he would do some study and we would work together. That is hopeful. No discharge date in sight, but I just want to be miserable in my own bed.

Posted by: Melissia at April 05, 2009 11:26 PM (oWoBV)

27 Well, I worked for two weeks on a project until the leader noticed that I was and someone else were doing double work, meaning that two of us had been working on the same exact thing. I was told, "Uh, nevermind." But hey, it's work and they pay me, so if they want to pay me for essentially doing nothing, well, cool. Other than that though, my life is pretty good (sorry Helen, I'm not gloating, just enjoying baby #3) so I don't feel much like bitching. Take care. I'm reminded of a little story: A guy was feeling depressed and went and sat down in the middle of the road. He heard a little voice say, "Cheer up. Things could get worse." So he cheered up and a little while later, things got worse. Actually, that's probably not helpful, is it? Stay cool. Things will get better.

Posted by: physics geek at April 06, 2009 06:26 PM (MT22W)

28 Well, I worked for two weeks on a project until the leader noticed that I was and someone else were doing double work, meaning that two of us had been working on the same exact thing. I was told, "Uh, nevermind." But hey, it's work and they pay me, so if they want to pay me for essentially doing nothing, well, cool. Other than that though, my life is pretty good (sorry Helen, I'm not gloating, just enjoying baby #3) so I don't feel much like bitching. Take care. I'm reminded of a little story: ================== A guy was feeling depressed and went and sat down in the middle of the road. He heard a little voice say, "Cheer up. Things could get worse." So he cheered up and, sure enough, a little while later things got worse. ================== Actually, that's probably not helpful, is it? Stay cool. Things will get better.

Posted by: physics geek at April 06, 2009 06:27 PM (MT22W)

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