I keep banging on about it, but it's true.

Fall is here, as evidenced by the misty car windows, the wilted near-frozen plants, the evening dark that comes before you get home from work.

Fall, Autumn, the so-called season of change, of slow death and slow churn. The leaves change and fall from the trees after an explosion of yellows and reds, colors that every year I want to burn into my memory, and every year I forget how vivid they were the year before. The bitter tang of the crumpled, paper-thin leaves, with veins stiking out and throbbing for a nourishment that is no longer there.

Autumn is here and for some reason, it has me nervous.

I can't really remember the details of last Fall. When I think about it, I remember a broken heart and exhaustion. I recall feeding my past into the flames of the fireplaces, scooping out the grey sooty ashes with a staisfaction of knowing who I was and how I felt could never be found again. I remember the stress of the upcoming job cuts from Company X, wondering if my head was on the chopping block (which it was), and the unmitigated apathy I felt wandering the hallways of work, my boots softly chipping at the floor as I walked. I remember endless days of wondering who I was, where I was going, and why so many unanswered questions dotted the horizon.

And above all, I remember the Fall leading into the Winter, the Winter of My Discontent, the Winter of the unwashed, unfed, uncaring me, the Winter that saw the splintering and disintegration of everything I had known, and the massive phoenix-explosion of what my life became.

And a small, secret, child-like part of me worries another winter like that could happen.

It's so ridiculous, my childish fear. My earnest dread and fright that it could happen again, it could all hurt again. Spending my winter in the dark, in a chair, with the world on fire in a blanket of snow. With my fingers and toes aching and curling up with cold, endless nose-running, and watching the frost suffocate the leaves and tender roses. The endless crying, the companion insomnia, the utter hopelessness and innate sense of embarrassment-I don't deserve to be here, I don't deserve to walk the streets, I don't deserve to breathe, I am the single biggest and greatest fucking failure you'll ever meet on a snowy curb.

I know that I am in a different world now, that I am in a different life. I know that kind of Fall is far from what can happen now as I am a different person. I know that there is someone swinging above me, holding on to my hands and making sure he won't let me go. And there is not only him holding onto me, there is a stronger part of me, a stronger sense of self that is strung below me as my safety net.

Yet it doesn't stop the tiny trepidation that lingers in my soul, falling into my toes with every falling leaf that I see out the window...the hope that I never, ever have another season like that ever again.

And so instead I turn into Angus, the man in charge of my heart, curling into his arms after a round of fantastic loving that I know to have with him. I curl into him and smell the sweet copper penny smell of sex, the smell of sweat, of holding onto your bicycle handlebars too tightly on his upper arms, and I lay my head on him and fall asleep, with no hint of Kafka dreams marring the surface of my sleep.

My world has been an ocean for so long, a ridiculous tempest that strove to drown me and leave me in a curling grave.

It's time I faced my Autumn, and stared the bitch down.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 10:33 AM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
Post contains 665 words, total size 4 kb.

1 Autum is, despite the darkness and the promise about a following winter, the favorite season. But to me it's about colours and change...so many places look so differently when autum dress up in everything from yellow, orange, red and brown. It's when everything is definatly dead and grey I feel as if someone floored me. Right now I'm facing autum from the window of a motor home and it's getting cold. Well, not right at this moment...I'm at a library typing this. I hope that you will find some peace together with autum in the future, coz as I said, it's a lovely season full of colours and transformations. Take care C.

Posted by: croxie at November 04, 2004 11:05 AM (h1WCQ)

2 Cant wait to help dress you for it. Stare the bitch down and tell her that if she doesnt watch out you are going to metamorphis into Shiva and teach her a lesson bises!

Posted by: stinkerbell at November 04, 2004 01:10 PM (kV0EF)

3 I'm glad you have Angus. Kafka dreams suck.

Posted by: Amber at November 04, 2004 03:37 PM (zQE5D)

4 i'm predicting a warm cozy winter for you helen. full to the brim with cozy kitties, a sweet and lovely angus, cute kiddos, and a home you adore. xoxox

Posted by: kat at November 04, 2004 03:51 PM (jBRLj)

5 Autumn is coming and so is a world full of color. I mean all the wonderful festivities coming up. When I think of autumn, I think of a season where everyone is happy and full of love.

Posted by: Jadewolff at November 04, 2004 06:00 PM (8MfYL)

6 What Autumn? My daughter told me they're forecasting snow in her area already!!?? Unbelieveable! Keep warm this fall and winter!

Posted by: MrBob at November 04, 2004 06:19 PM (EquK7)

7 Mr. Bob-it's supposed to get to freezing here, tonight, too! Croxie-I have been thinking about you and worried about you, babe.

Posted by: Helen at November 04, 2004 06:44 PM (hT/v7)

8 I miss the change of seasons. You can't even tell it's fall in SoFl. I'd kill for even the slightest excuse to wear a jacket sometime!

Posted by: Mick at November 04, 2004 07:52 PM (VhRca)

9 When you stare her down, use a pare of those X-ray glasses, would you? I always wanted to know what kind of panties she wears. ;-)

Posted by: Jim at November 04, 2004 10:15 PM (tyQ8y)

10 Interesting how didffrent people perceive the change of seasons. Fall has always been my favorite season. First and foremost, my birthday arrives in the fall. Football season starts in the fall. The World Series takes place in the fall. I love everything about it. When I lived in Texas, fall was the season I missed the most, as it only lasted about 3 days. The leaves were on the trees one day, and then *BAM* on the ground the next.

Posted by: Easy at November 04, 2004 11:27 PM (U89mk)

11 I'm doing okiday, Helen...don't worry. I have a way of bouncing back on my feet again no matter what, and there's no reason why I shouldn't do the same this time. Meesa will always be back C.

Posted by: croxie at November 06, 2004 01:26 PM (kxE3h)

Hide Comments | Add Comment