I haven't been sleeping so well - the medication is supposed to be fixing that, but it's not! It's not I say!

*shakes fist angrily at pharmaceutical gods*

I still battle with anxiety, which now is coming through loud and clear in my dreams. Because sleep isn't fraught enough, I guess. The other night I dreamt that Angus had convinced me to leave the babies home alone for 12 hours so we could attend a folk music festival where he would practice his folk guitaring and I would sing along.

Yeah, there's so many things wrong with that sentence that I'm not sure where to begin.

I think that one is related to a great big huge millstone around me neck, though. I was dreaming about panic in leaving the babies. I felt out of control, held to a wall. And I guess that's the case, as in exactly three weeks I have to return to work as my maternity leave ends.

We are a two income family. That's the way it has always been, that's the way it will always be. We are not wealthy but we get by, and part of getting by has been the fact that both of us work. We can't move to a cheaper house as we got this one at a bargain price and we need rooms for all the children, the two who live with us and the two who are a huge part of Angus' heart. We can't trade our cars in for cheaper ones, as one of them is a company car and the other one is a 1997 piece of shit with 165,000 miles on it and more dents than Evil Knievel's favorite bike. Last month the horn fell off on it. It doesn't get any more real than that car, but at least it runs and thus we'll keep it for now.

If anyone feels their fingers itching to lecture me about having the babies in day care, that I should stay home, that I shouldn't leave them to the mercy of "someone else raising them", then see this post as a refresher.

I'm not happy about returning to work, I would love to stay home with them, but it doesn't work that way in our household no matter how much we fiddle with the numbers. I'd appreciate it if no one suggests that there are ways for us to make it work, because unless you're me or my accountant, then you don't know my situation. Considering the fact that I don't have an accountant, unless you're me you don't know how many times I've been through the numbers. It just doesn't work. Even crunching the very scary numbers that day care will mean - for twins, we're looking at paying almost £2000 a month, which is more than our mortgage payment - I have to go back to work. And once I'm back to work, with the day care and the extension coming we're going to be living life lean for a very long time to come.

I accept this. I'm a grown-up. I can't just move in with my parents and expect them to pick up the slack, I have responsibilities and obligations, ones that are important to me to meet. No one will be raising my children but Angus and I. In March the babies will go to day care 3 days a week, moving up to 4 days a week after that. I have structured my work week in agreement with my boss, so that I can be home with them at least one day a week.

I used to scoff at women who didn't return to work. I used to get angry at working moms who would scuttle out of the office at the stroke of 4 pm while I labored on into the evening. I used to use every sanctimonious trick in the book to belittle those who held family over work. And now I'm one of those women, and I owe an apology to every single working mom and stay at home mom that I ever crossed.

Being at a stay at home mom is without a doubt harder than my day job ever was, even at its worst. It's also one million times more rewarding, as I get more out of a smile and a good day with Nick and Nora than I ever did in saying I delivered a project on time and under budget. I would love to stay home with them until they patter off to school in 2012, but unless some great-uncle I never knew I had passes away and leaves me a fortune or unless some philanthropist swings by and pays off our mortgage, that's not possible.

I'm sure the babies will be great - the nursery they are attending has outstanding ratings from Ofstead. They'll be just fine, it's me that will go to pieces. And we do feel they should go to nursery instead of a nanny or au pair as we work from home most of the time and if the babies are home then I know I will absolutely interfere with whomever is watching them. I think it's only natural.

I've been having email dialogues with K who returned to work after the birth of her gorgeous son (hi K!) She's one of the few who know how torn up I am about this. She gave me some advice recently, which was to "Stop whatever needed to give kisses". So I've been doing that, and trying to soak up as much time with my babies as possible before I go back to work, so if I've been a bit quiet then maybe you know why.

I know this post is coming across a bit bitchy and angry, I'm not sure how to rectify that. I'm defensive, but a part of that is I feel bad. I'm not looking forward to a barrage of "Of course you should stay at home with your children, you horrible mother you!" that will pop up in the comments and emails and which will make me want to come through the computer and beat people with that folk guitar from my nightmare.

-H.

UPDATED-apparently comments are broken. Hopefully, they unbreak soon.

UPDATED AGAIN - comments back up and running.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 10:03 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
Post contains 1059 words, total size 5 kb.

1 I got a director's license and ran a pre-school daycare for many years. I've taken care of hundreds of small children not my own in addition to my own two. I've changed more diapers that I like to remember, lol! I gave them love, I gave them my time, I watched my assistants like a hawk and I am still close with some of these grown children today. One is my godson (I call him that because when his mom and I became close, she had papers drawn up so that if anything ever happened to her, her son would come to us to live as our adopted son) and he is in Iraq right now, married and with his own small baby at home with the wife. So please try to remember that for most of our existence as a species, most humans were brought up in a small tribal or large extended family situation, with several young children/babies often lumped together much of the time, playing about and interacting while overseen by various adults. The twins will be fine. You, however, are a different story. I know how hard it can be to leave them. I also worked for a brief time and put Lucy in daycare when Lucy was little. It killed me to be away from her and I was unable to continue do it. Actually it worked out well; I ended up making more money with the daycare than I had with my job working for someone else. It took a LOT MORE out of me, true, ahahaha! But it was worth it. So don't worry about them; they will be fine. As for you, focus on the positive; for instance, you will no doubt have more energy for them at the end of the day when you come home. Those moments when I picked up Lucy at daycare were just golden! I know I rambled; dunno if I helped. I hope so. {{{hugs}}} (Oh and munu spam control royally sucks. Yeesh.)

Posted by: The other Amber at February 12, 2008 09:54 PM (zQE5D)

2 yay! we're back! Don't worry about the medication. You must give it some time, it can take up to a couple of weeks to ease your anxieties and help with the sleep. I promise. Remember, I play with those things for a living :-)

Posted by: caltechgirl at February 12, 2008 10:38 PM (IfXtw)

3 I agree, the twins will do great. My very good friend is a physician and had to return to work after her twins were 3 months. It was incredibily hard for her and her days are often crazy. But the girls are happy, healthy and wonderful. And you will still be an amazing mother. I have been fortunate to be SAHM. While there will be a year of incredible debt next year for us, we are lucky that my husband's career will shortly change and we will have much more financial security. But there have been moments where we faced my needing to return to work. We were fortunate that circumstances allowed us to avoid it, but I was prepared to do it to meet our needs. I guess what I'm trying to say is don't let ANYONE make you feel bad about what you need to do for your family. You clearly will be making time for your twins and family. And you will all thrive.

Posted by: Waiting Amy at February 13, 2008 01:17 AM (ecQ9f)

4 Screw anyone who tries to make you feel bad. You have to do what is right for your family. Just like anything in life, each option has pros and cons. Maybe no one mentions it but there are definite cons to staying home with a child. Socialization, ability to relate to people outside their families, no exposure to germs (kids need to get a cold or two, in my opinion).... these things are harder to come by when you stay home with a kid. So anyone who says that staying home is the only good and right and perfect answer is a lying asshole. I know it'll hurt like hell to leave them but I think you'll adjust to it quicker than you think. Love you!

Posted by: donna at February 13, 2008 02:19 PM (TzLxV)

5 Being at a stay at home mom is without a doubt harder than my day job ever was, even at its worst. My wife quit her day job after our children were born and is now at home with them full-time. 3-4 times a year, I take off from work to stay with the kids while she goes off on a girls' weekend to recharge her batteries. Those 3 days and nights are full of joy, impatience, love and frustration. And they are quite demanding. I go back to work to catch up on my rest. If I were independently wealthy, I'd be home with the children right now. As it stands, I leave at the end of the day and go home to wrestle on the floor, play in the bathtub (technically it's a bath, but there's an awful lot of water flying around) and read bedtime stories. Once in a while, my job takes me out of town and I miss out on the nighttime rituals, which makes my day woefully incomplete.

Posted by: physics geek at February 13, 2008 04:31 PM (MT22W)

6 You raise your kids the way you see fit, and I will raise mine the way I see fit. One way is not any better or worse than the other. There should never be any judgement, because what is necessary and agreeable in one family may not be in the next. I just wish people would see it as simply as that. I did daycare for many years, and they were all well-adjusted, very well loved kids who just happened to have had parent(s) that worked. End of story. Of course you are going to have guilt-that is what children bring (along with so much else), especially to us moms. Now just look into the mirror and repeat: "Hello Helen. I don't have to answer to anyone but my family. I am being the best mom I can be. Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonit, people like me!"

Posted by: Teresa at February 13, 2008 05:31 PM (Pr3t9)

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