I remember seeing a TV show once - I can't remember which one it was - but it was set on a Caribbean island with the threat of an oncoming hurricane. Said hurricane was blustery, tragic, and very dangerous. The islanders, in the move that was either a pure myth or an act of courage, tied themselves to trees in order to face the onslaught of the violent storm.

That's kinda' what our house was like as we got ready to launch Operation Duck and Cover.

Operation Duck and Cover is what I called the point in which the ex-wife (aka, the one I call the Swunt) was informed about the Lemonheads. I think every single one of us knew it was going to be unpopular. It was without a doubt that I knew she would be displeased in one way or another-I know she wanted a large family and Angus didn't (and still doesn't). It's not like I'm tremendously bothered she's upset-while I honestly don't want her to be upset because she's an important part of Melissa and Jeff's life (and she's a person to boot), I do have a feeling that seriously-life goes on, whether we want it to or not, and often the "not" means that adjustments have to be made. It's also a little hard to feel too sympathetic to a woman who takes great apparent joy out of soundly trashing my name and Angus' to anyone who will even remotely listen.

Angus discussed at length with the kids about how to handle things. After my father and stepfather, the kids were the first to learn about the pregnancy when we were all on holiday in Mexico. Their reactions were overall very positive, if in need of a little bit of reinforcement and support, which we give readily. We involve them as much as they want to be involved in the new babies' lives. Jeff in particular is very proactive about the babies and fully plans on adopting his upcoming new baby sister (he says because this way he can "stop a little girl from turning out like his sister". Whatever his reason, I find it very touching.)

Despite the pressure from Angus' Mum and his nosy parker brother, he felt the only input he needed with regards to telling his ex was from his kids, as they're the ones who have to live with the ex. The kids and Angus agreed that the best plan of action was to tell the ex while both kids were over here in Scotland. This so that she could have time to recover and repair her emotions, if need be, and so that neither of them were in the eye of the storm. Jeff in particular is an extremely, incredibly, ferociously sensitive young man. You never know what it is that's upset him but things get into him and they go very deep, to the point where he goes off the rails easily.

Angus drafted an email. He asked for my input. I added some, none of it negative. We then had a draft of an email that we felt was as hurricane proof as our tin shed could be-it outlined that lives move on, that he wants nothing but her happiness and would never want to hurt her, that he will be a father again but no matter what Melissa and Jeff are a huge, incredible priority for him and nothing will change that, and that he cares about his ex's feelings and respects her. We readied.

Then, when they were here, we sent it off.

He got a calm, composed email the next day. The ex wanted more detail. She wanted to know who else knew about the babies. She wanted to know when the babies were expected to be here. She wanted to know where the babies come from.

The "where they come from" fucked me off more than anything. I understood immediately that she thought we were adopting two children from abroad. Angus didn't elaborate on that point as he felt it was none of her goddamn business "where" the babies came from. He told her that the babies were coming the end of October. He told her that the children and his immediate family had been told. He again said he hoped that she wasn't hurt.

Then we heard nothing. We started loosening the knots from our ropes binding us to the palm trees. The hurricane, it seemed, was just a blustery day.

Just as the ropes came unbound, Melissa and Jeff went home, and it turned out the hurricane was over on their side of the water the entire time. Because neither Angus, nor his family, nor I paid for it.

Melissa did.

And days later, she's still under attack.

Apparently it started as soon as she got off the airplane. True, it was an evening flight and the kids were tired so the moods couldn't have been brilliant, but Melissa said things were wrong from minute 1. I was in the hospital then but Angus started getting text messages from her, and things escalated wildly out of control.

The long and short of it is this-Melissa faced the brutal storm of her mother's anger alone. Jeff escaped unscathed, but Melissa's insistence that she supports her father, me, and the Lemonheads has made her life there a living hell. The Swunt is adamant that Angus should have rung her at the earliest stage of my pregnancy and informed her of it in order to "limit the trauma on the children" (her words, not mine). And the truth is, the children aren't traumatized in the least-trust me, we check on this aspect constantly. They're more traumatized by the upcoming extension and chaos that will cause their visits here than they are a new brother and sister. His ex is also furious Angus didn't consult with her on the engagement before doing so.

"Shall I call her to see if I should have decaf or regular coffee tomorrow morning?" Angus asked grimly, on finding this out. "Because I clearly cannot make a single decision without calling her to confirm my choices."

The incredible amount of verbal violence over there has been incessant. Melissa's now off-line at a horse camp with her mother and brother and has no mobile coverage. She and Angus had been talking very regularly and texting often, him trying to calm her down and tell her we are here for her. We spoke briefly while I was in the hospital. She told me how hard it was there, how her mother's constant abuse about the situation was never-ending, that her mother is now re-hashing every sin that Angus may have committed ever and is wielding those like verbal numchucks.

I am still working on this stepmother thing. It's not always easy, but it's part of my job now, and a part I won't give up on. The big part of being a stepmom that I battle with is you have to know what to say and what not to say. Somehow, this is done intuitively. Somehow, this is done by rote, so that you do not cut great swaths across a family.

I do not say: Your mother is a fucking mess. You did nothing wrong. This isn't your fault that I'm pregnant. It's no one's fault but my own, as I am regularly reminded of. I broke this. I broke all of this, everywhere. It's just me. She's being a selfish bitch who's blinded by pain and fury and although she has every right to feel pain and fury she has no right to take it out on you. She doesn't deserve to have you two. She paints your father to be an adultering bastard who left her soul to bleed but the truth is she leeched out his happiness a long time ago and when they split she took every friend and family member he had as her own. Tell her to fuck herself. Repeatedly. And I'll send you that lip gloss I found for you.

But that would be continuing the cycle. That would be yet another on the world's longest list of reasons for therapy, that's the women of my past and the women of her past sitting around the kitchen table, wrecking a 15 year-old for her own chance of being free from the cycles that just never end. I want to cave to the siren call of my vicious rage but I know the result would be disastrous. I wouldn't say these things to Melissa, no matter how angry with her mother I am. I wouldn't do it to her just as I look back at who I was once and wish I could be there for her, too. It all has to end somewhere.

"Babe," I told her softly, fiddling with the tubes on my IV and trying to keep my voice low and even. "Your mother's hurting. I know it's not right that it's being taken out on you, it should be taken out on your daddy and me, and it's misplaced anger. I once had parents who were often on the warpath with each other, so do you want some advice? If you can, just listen to her being upset without taking it all in. DonÂ’t let it get to you. Don't feel you need to fight for your daddy or me, because we know how you feel. She needs to get some things out of her and maybe she just needs to know you're there to listen because she loves you and she's hurting. Just let her vent, and even if you don't agree with it, don't let it hurt you. Do you want to try that?"

"I can try that," she said. "Maybe that will help."

I have no idea if it's helped or not. We won't hear from them for another two days. The last words we heard were that things were still bad.

A hurricane I can face. The winds, they don't bother Angus or me. We've been through it all before and will undoubtedly face it again-the babies will be born. We'll get married at some point. Melissa and Jeff will get married to their own partners at some point. The Swunt and I will have to face each other (at which point I will be tranquilized. And I will have starved myself to a size 6, so help me God, before that woman and I are face to face over a white wedding cake.) We can take a lot. But what we can't take is knowing that the kids are facing grief that they don't deserve, I cannot accept a child getting pain for something they didn't do. I get it that the ex is hurt. I know. I do feel bad. But more than that, I feel a white hot rage that she would take it out on her kids like that, and all I want to do is damage control, which is hard to do when you're on bed rest and they're at horse camp facing a category 5.

-H.

PS-Yup, I did finish Harry Potter. Finished the day before the hospital admission, in fact. More to come on that, too.

PPS-As ever, if you have something negative to say about the ex, please try to keep it constructive. While I'd like nothing more than a bitch session at a bar, it won't help Angus, who's the one trying to manage the situation.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:35 AM | Comments (33) | Add Comment
Post contains 1922 words, total size 10 kb.

1 This is why I've never had a moment's doubt that you will be a fabulous parent: Because you're already a fabulous step-parent. that's the women of my past and the women of her past sitting around the kitchen table, wrecking a 15 year-old for her own chance of being free from the cycles that just never end. I know 60, 70, 80-year-old women who still haven't figured that out up there, Helen. That's some wisdom you've got and I'm totally jealous of it. As for the ex, I haven't got anything bad to say of her, although it would be great fun to commiserate with you about it over a round of drinks. But honestly, while she isn't handling it well, and though I obviously don't endorse her taking it out on her daughter, it may still be that she's handling it the best she is able. I feel sorry for her, and even sorrier for Melissa, that her best isn't very good, but that's humanity for you. Sometimes a person's best effort still falls way short of being even halfway decent. I hope she finds some peace--again, more for your, Angus's, and Melissa's sake than anyone else's, but it's peace she definitely needs and peace I hope she finds.

Posted by: ilyka at July 31, 2007 08:50 AM (c5ADe)

2 Hi Helen, Great news you are home from hospital. Must rate as one of the scariest moments you could not wish for. As for Angus's ex. Very wise words you have written, it must be very hard for you to keep your cool with her after the way she is treating Melissa. At least you have given both the kids all of your support and they know that their mother has to deal with this in a grown up way. It's her loss as all she will do is drive the kids further away from her and be less approachable then she already is. Keep the blood pressure down and chill as much as you can Robin

Posted by: robin h at July 31, 2007 09:42 AM (S4M8p)

3 nothing negative to say, only positive words to the effect that you effing rock! and like everyone else here, I have no doubt that you will rock just as much as a mother to your lemonheads as you do to your stepkids!

Posted by: Sarah at July 31, 2007 10:29 AM (69KUi)

4 Nothing negative to say, only that I've been in the middle of this sort of thing, too, and it's HARD--so good luck. I think you're handling it all with a lot of grace (and badassery.)

Posted by: Marian at July 31, 2007 10:59 AM (B+qrE)

5 I think that your advice to Melisssa was dead on target, proving once again what a great mom you'll be.

Posted by: ~Easy at July 31, 2007 11:56 AM (X+de8)

6 Regardless of how the ex is reacting, Melissa will remember as an adult, the support you and Angus have given her. As she will remember the treatment she received from the ex. You are doing a great job of keeping your cool in front of the kids, and not bashing the ex in front of them. That alone, is a hard thing, but something they will appreciate more and more as they grow up. Personally, I'd have a hard time not saying something to the ex myself. Something along the lines of, oh I don't know... get the f**k on with your life. But then, that's probably why I don't deal with ex's. You're all doing the best you can, and I agree with Ilyka's assestment that a person's best effort isn't always close to halfway decent. Good luck. Oh- and don't reveal the HP details just yet, please :-) I'm hoping to read it this week!

Posted by: Angela at July 31, 2007 12:15 PM (DGWM7)

7 Not that it is any of my business and not that i know anything but... ...I think you are doing an inccredible job as a step-parent and i am sure the Lemonheads will be the luckiest children around to have you and Angus. In the meantime, i am sending you good wishes to help you all weather the storm. abs x

Posted by: abs at July 31, 2007 12:37 PM (+gJH8)

8 I would be the "Angus" character here. I divorced with two small children and then remarried and although my ex's new girlfriend-eventual-spouse hated our children and although my ex continually did things I thought were wrong where our children were concerned, I kept those things away from the kids until they were in high school and they figured it all out for themselves. To his credit, my now husband (the step-father) was golden. He hated the situation but bit his tongue and just loved the kids whole-heartedly as his own, only bitching to me in private when they had to go have visitation with their bio-dad. As grownups, we've now gone through the dreaded "meeting over the wedding cake" three times now (our daughter got married twice). It is never easy, but for their sakes I have tried very hard over the years to be civil because, as you have very clearly pointed out, it isn't the kids who should have to pay. I'm sorry they're going through this... I think from the things you've said you ARE a great mom - and step-mom and the kids are smart enough to figure that out. Hopefully their mom will get a grip and pull herself together before she implodes. I can feel for her, too, but wonder why it is getting to her so badly. Is she jealous? Hope she finds the peace she needs soon.I'm sure she loves the kids and would really be mortified if she realized what she was doing. Okay, sorry for the long post. Just had to get that all in. Take care.

Posted by: sue at July 31, 2007 01:12 PM (WbfZD)

9 I feel so badly for Melissa and Jeff. I know the ex is hurting, and no one can blame her for that. How many of us have thought we were moving on from a relationship only to learn that our ex was dating someone else or engaged or something else and then completely fallen apart? I know I have had that happen. Only I didn't have kids to consider when that happened to me. Hopefully she can find a way to soothe her pain and realize that she's got to stop this behavior for the kids. I think what you said to Melissa is great advice and I hope that she can use it to make things better there. Hugs to you!

Posted by: donna at July 31, 2007 02:25 PM (Kco5r)

10 Helen, I started to reply to this post here, but it simply became too much of a novel to fill up your comment space with, so I turned it into a post on my site. Please visit if you're so inclined. I just wanted to let you know that, as always, we support you through all these struggles and tribulations. I'm happy that you're on the mend. If there's anything we across the pond can do to help out, please let us know.

Posted by: Ice Queen at July 31, 2007 02:37 PM (AuzdP)

11 My ex threw me out with nothing (although at that point, I was happy to go except for my kids), married the woman he had been seeing, and she immediately got pregnant. My problem with them having more kids was that they couldn't support them, and she never worked. Sure enough, they then raised my kids as well as hers on welfare. They made sure they had plenty of money to take me to court to get child support from me though, and I paid that till they were 18. Also kept them on my insurance till they were 25 although they would never use it, and my son has a heart murmur from untreated sterp throat. Now the child they had together is addicted to meth and is worthless. To my credit, I never said anythig negative about them having more kids, even though my daughter was the one who took care of the baby. I do not see anything like this in your future. I see happy babies, happy step kids, and the future is rosy. Trust me, when the kids are old enough, they will separate themselves from the negativity surrounding their mom, and go where it's a happy place. Your house. In fact, you might start rebuilding now, lol, you're gonna need the space. You are doing and saying all the right things. Don't worry, kids are more resilient than we think. Hang in, and glad you're feeling better. PS, So did he have decaf or caf? LOL!

Posted by: Donna at July 31, 2007 02:44 PM (3ir3Z)

12 Gosh, and I thought my wife's pregancies were stressful. As my grandfather used to say: you poor dear. Love you lots.

Posted by: RP at July 31, 2007 02:47 PM (op1yW)

13 You said exactly the right thing to Melissa, in my unprofessional opinion. You supported and reassured your stepdaughter, and you pointed out a valid reason for the Swunt's incredibly bad behavior without putting the Swunt into a negative light. You gave Melissa the best advice a stepmother could give, all while passing kidney stones and having two Lemonheads doing a Bob Fosse kick-step. Ya done good. Melissa sounds like a strong young woman. She'll endure her mother's abuse and probably forgive her for it, and she'll be strengthened by knowing that you are there for her and will give her your honest, best advice.

Posted by: lynD at July 31, 2007 03:04 PM (2F9Ak)

14 I wish you and I could grab a round and sit this one out and bitch like there is no tomorrow, because boy could we. However, as I woman told growing up that she ruined her mother's life, deserved nothing from her, and the like-I can sympathize with you (and loads with Melissa). I understand you wanting to just cut loose on the ex, telling Melissa all those things that are simmering inside you-but you are so right in not doing so. It is much harder to walk on the right side of things, but so worth it. Like I feel all the time, the cycle has to stop somewhere, so it may as well be with you. Your advice was excellent-and honestly the best I think you can do in this situation. At least Melissa has someone to turn to (you and Angus) who understands, and instead of feeding the hurricane you are giving her a rope of her own. As for the ex-well, again, you have been hurt and felt betrayed in the past, so you can understand what the ex is feeling. Yet I suppose that does not help, only makes it worse, as you are trying to tow a line between sympathy and anger. But your heart and mind is in the right place and on the right people-Melissa, Jeff, Angus, and of course the Lemonheads. Just make sure your numero uno priority is yourself-cause if not, the rest of the cards will fall, and then there really will be a hurricane of the worst and strongest kind. Take care babe-I am thinking of ya all the time.

Posted by: Teresa at July 31, 2007 03:15 PM (gL2x2)

15 Well, this made me cry. I can't help but remember how my ex went ballistic after I left and my 17 1/2 year old son had to deal with the fallout. And I hadn't even left for good yet; I just said I needed space and was going to my brother's house for a few weeks and when he said "no", I left anyway. So since I wasn't there, he took out all his anger with me on our son; ranting and raving and saying terrible things about me. Ray felt trapped. Ray felt...I can only imagine what Ray felt from what he's told me. And I only found out about it months later; maybe a year? He said he didn't want to upset me so he kept it to himself. GOD! I just...I never thought his dad would do that. I would *never* have left Ray there alone with him if I'd known his dad would do that. I just...I didn't think he would. But he did. Stupidly naive of me. And when Ray finally did tell me about it, I could see the anger and hurt on his face. And I seriously wanted to die right then and there because he said "why did you leave me with *him*, Mom? Why? It was so awful. You left, but I couldn't". I can still see his face to this day. And I felt like the worst mother in the entire world. Okay, so it's years later now, he's 25, he's happy, he's getting married next month and we are very close. I explained why I left and how I had no idea all that was going on and if I had, I would have done something about it. That I was sorry, so sorry. And he was old enough to understand so...it's in the past now. And you are right, Melissa and Jeff will get through this too; you all will. But man, this entry of yours today just went through my gut. What is so HARD about understanding that you cannot take out personal frustrations on your child? NO matter WHAT?! Why is that impossible for some people to understand?

Posted by: The other Amber at July 31, 2007 03:33 PM (zQE5D)

16 I think you handled everything beautifully. You gave Melissa what she needed to see her mother's atrocious behavior as something else - the result of hurt and (possibly) immaturity about how to deal with such strong feelings. The ex seems to be a woman used to getting her way, and when she doesn't she appears to behave like a spoiled child (really trying not to sound negative here, just practical). Now, instead of feeling like she is the cause or should take on the weight of her mother's behavior, Melissa can take it for what it is - her mother's feelings exploding out of her. You handled it brilliantly; I hope it truly helped her and that the storm is calmer now where she is. I hope you and Angus are holding up okay too. It can't be easy dealing with everything you've got going on. Hang in there, I'll be thinking good thoughts for you every day.

Posted by: Lisa at July 31, 2007 03:35 PM (e8V7B)

17 I would pay a huge amount of money and possibly my soul to have you as a step-mother. Just be the one person that Melissa can come to and say whatever and still know she is loved beyond a doubt. HUGS to Angus.

Posted by: dee_guerra at July 31, 2007 03:54 PM (nvdWh)

18 This entry alone proves that you are going to be a wonderful mommy!!

Posted by: Ms. Pants at July 31, 2007 04:32 PM (+p4Zf)

19 See, this is why you rock in the extreme. You said just the right thing to Melissa. I would have blasted out that other bit, after all the years of BS and snide insinuation and general crap from the Swunt, I would have been at my limit. But you were totally cool. And, you know, people like the Swunt seem to crave the reaction. What you told Melissa just nips that in the bud. Maybe that will help the storm to blow over. I hope so, for ALL your sakes, the Swunt included. Have I mentioned how smart those babies were to pick you and A for their parents?

Posted by: caltechgirl at July 31, 2007 04:44 PM (/vgMZ)

20 Kudos to you guys for treating her so well.

Posted by: Hanna at July 31, 2007 05:02 PM (lUH62)

21 Has she absolutely no idea how much damage she is doing to this child?

Posted by: kimmykins13 at July 31, 2007 05:36 PM (IGRQ9)

22 LOVES from Canada...all of your other charming readers have said what needs to be said. You rock... and your are fierce....the lemonheads chose a good mama.

Posted by: wn at July 31, 2007 07:22 PM (MlWdo)

23 What they all said! Hugs!

Posted by: That Girl at July 31, 2007 07:40 PM (s5Uyz)

24 I think what you said to Melissa was perfect. But I fear that she will need years of therapy to undo all the damage her mother has caused, and not only about this episode. Hang in there, Helen, she needs you.

Posted by: kenju at July 31, 2007 07:50 PM (DBvE5)

25 I haven't the time to read all the very wonderful responses before me, who no doubt are saying all the things wayyyy better than I am, but as a stepchild, you said the most perfect thing to Melissa at just the right time. Melissa and Jeff are not stupid, darling, just as we all were not as children - and that apparently we as adults sometimes forget - and they will see who loves them and who cares for them and who is not good for them all by themselves. You have had a very hard road with Stepmom Status, but I know that if anyone in the whole world could do it carefully, lovingly, graciously, it is you. Hang in there and batten down the hatches.

Posted by: Margi at July 31, 2007 08:23 PM (66God)

26 Many congratulations for taking the high road in this situation and not blowing your stack and making things worse. I've said it before and I'll say it again: the worst mistake a parent (or stepparent) can make is to put down another, estranged parent in front of the kids. Even if said other parent is a worthless asshole, keep the harsh feelings to yourself. Let the kids decide for themselves what to make of the "other" parent. The more you and Angus take the high road and not overreact to the ex's fun and games, the more people will see the situation for what it is and side with you. And hopefully the ex will realize just how self-destructive her behavior is and mellow out some time in the future. And if things get much, much worse for the kids to the point that their emotional states are being seriously compromised, it may be time for you and Angus to consider seeking custody of them. Of course, I have no idea how such laws work over there in the UK and Sweden, particularly between the two countries, so I don't know if such a thing is feasible. But it may be something to consider.

Posted by: diamond dave at July 31, 2007 08:45 PM (GF+HW)

27 I wish I had something very wise to say, but this is an eloquent post, I cannot get over how well you are handling an impossible situation.

Posted by: Judi at August 01, 2007 01:30 AM (1/SXR)

28 'Starve yourself to a size 6'? You're too damned tall to be a healthy size six. But anyway. Wise words to Melissa. That's the right thing to say and I hope it helped.

Posted by: B. Durbin at August 01, 2007 02:14 AM (tie24)

29 Hang in there. I know how hard this step-parent thing can be, and I am so fortunate to have a situation far smoother than yours. Just keep loving the Melissa and Jeff, Angus and the Lemonheads. I think you are doing a marvelous job.

Posted by: sophie at August 01, 2007 02:10 PM (AY+fk)

30 Feeling your pain...we're in the midst of another round of correction of the visitation agreement and child support - and it is SO frustrating the things my husband's ex will say to the children. She has no reason to blame me for anything - they were split up but the divorce wasn't final when I met my husband - and yet she seems to have as much anger toward me as Angus' ex seems to have toward you. I've learned, in the last 3 years, to keep my mouth shut and do my best to stay out of it - but it's so hard. His kids live with us full time and visit her only on Sundays, and the stories they come home with make me livid at times. I've bent over backwards trying to be nice to this woman, and try to have decent dealings with her - and time after time she bashes me - or the latest bit, breaks into my cable account (she's a customer service rep at my cable company). It's just always something. Hang in there...I hope Jeff and Melissa come home in a couple of days saying everything has settled down.

Posted by: Tracy at August 01, 2007 02:44 PM (zv3bS)

31 After my first divorce I found out the man left me for another woman to have children with, and although I was devastated I never once bad mouthed him to another living soul that we knew. I got therapy and badmouthed him to the thearpist. Now I'm not even in the same situation, but heres the thing--I never wanted anyone to look at me like I was some bitter bitch (even though I sound like one now on my blog). I didn't want family or firends to think I was losing it..you know? What irks me about this situation you're in...this woman is capable of sorting out her feelings and getting it back together for her own dignity sake but instead she's making everyone around her miserable. What's worse, she's doing this without regard to the emotional scares she's leaving on her children. She wants to play the victim, which is fine, she's been thru alot I get it. She's looking for any type of emotional response from Angus and now since she's realized she can't provoke a reaction she's manipulating the kids. Until she pulls it together for herself you will be dealing with her bad behavior forever. I'm sorry. Thank goodness these kids have you.

Posted by: Heidi at August 01, 2007 03:54 PM (3edKR)

32 Shes hurt, mad, pissed etc... the sad thing as adults we want to control any situation we are in. Her way to control this event is to lash out at her own daughter because she feels that is an area she knows she in in control of. I am sorry that the kids are the ones who have to pay for adults in ability to handle things. And then we all wonder how as adults we are so messed up...our forefathers before us have pre-destined us to be disfunctional adults! Its a vicious cycle that I am afraid will go on for generations to come. The thing is that she really is just hurting herself and making her own daughter understand just how strange and sad her own mother is and you don't have to say anything negative about her to them, she is handling that all on her own. Hopefully she will open her eyes and see what she is doing is bad for everyone and just move on with her life. To you and Angus and the babies and the children, enjoy life to the fullest and don't let anyone rain on your parade!

Posted by: Kitty at August 01, 2007 05:15 PM (58g4R)

33 My parents divorced after many not-so-happy years together when I was starting college, and my dad remarried fairly soon(against all odds-- I really thought he was the hermit-type who would never give it another go). Anyway, I think you're doing great; saying nothing negative really is the only good policy and it must be incredibly difficult to go on as well as you are. If I were you, I also would avoid asking the kids to ever keep information from their mother; it's very stressful for them and it only feeds the fire of rage and paranoia on the ex's part when she senses something's up and then finally finds out what it is. It must have been tough for M&J to keep quiet about the engagement and the babies for so long, knowing their mom would react like that. I know you had your very good reasons to handle it this way, though, and obviously I don't know the ex. I deeply hope the ex will find a way to deal with her emotions eventually. So sorry to hear about the kidneys, too; it must be terrifying as well as painful. I am glad you're home safe.

Posted by: Andrea at August 02, 2007 02:37 PM (25ebt)

Hide Comments | Add Comment