I'm just going to come out and say it, and I'll take my stoning-

I hate Spring.

Seriously. I just hate it.

I'm sure you're shocked by that. You think: Helen, the crunchy granola fruity hippy doesn't like Spring? Is that possible? That little Fruit Loop doesn't like the season known for the renewing of life, she of the interminable metaphors can't appreciate the loveliness of the end of the bitter cold? What did Spring ever do to her, huh?

Now, I know that there are differing opinions of when Spring is-Angus marks the start of Spring on the official start of Spring, which is March 21. Me, I note that Spring is coming when the temperatures start to rise, the chances of snow and frost disappear, and the flowers start to come out. I note Spring is coming when the air no longer has that touch of dry painful cold to the underside of it, when my hands can go for a few minutes without mittens.

And with Spring comes the mud.

Everywhere.

And this being England, it rains constantly. It's been raining for days, with more rain forecast until (if I am to believe the weather forecaster) November 2009. April (or February) showers may bring May flowers, but not if I have to build a fucking ark to see them.

And allergies. My allergies pop up with a ferocity normally reserved for NYC brides at that twice yearly bridal fair. My eyes turn red and swell up to the point that I don't even leave the house, for fear of women looking at me with pity. My neck gets covered in bumpy hives. My nose runs, but then my nose is always running.

And did I mention the mud?

I look at the garden with despair. This is the time when I should be doing something about the state of it, but I just can't face it. First of all, in case you hadn't noticed, there's the mud. Go into the garden and every square inch of me will be covered with mud in no time-I'm like that around substances. Paint a wall? Covered in paint. Garden? Covered in mud. Baking cookies? Covered in flour. I am the female equivalen of Pig Pen, I swear it (except I bathe. A lot.) Then there's the fact that while it's not freezing outside, it sure isn't warm, and I'm a fair weather gardener. I like my gardening to inlude an iPod, a tank top, and shorts, I don't want to be wearing three layers of clothing. And of course, our garden has a mind of its own, anyway. The greenery is taking over, I could either tackle it or I could shut the door and go watch CSI, and I'm sure you can guess which will win.

That said, I am buying up seeds and will be scattering them in trays to grow some seedlings. I'm sick of the green and want some flowers, which will of course be pointless if we have another drought this year, and I'm sure we will have another drought because we all used aerosol hairspray in the 80's. Are we all happy now? We just had to have bangs the size of the Berlin Wall in the 80's, and because of that all of the damn geraniums will die. Nice.

I get it that Spring is supposed to be full of laughter and light and making babies and little birdies and budding blooms. I see that Spring is supposed to make us long for the Easter bunny and have dreamy visions of Bambi being all twitterpated and Thumper being a pretentious dick. Spring is new growth and starting life and blah, blah, tree hugging blah. I just hate it.

Spring is mud on every available surface. It's wondering if the grass will actually grow back through the carpet of mud (it will, it always does). Spring is about itchy, watery, puffy eyes.

If you're not clear on if I like Spring or not yet, lemme' sum up:

I hate Spring.

I'll even share a picture of our budding garden to prove to you that Spring is coming.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get my Wellingtons on and kick Bambi's ass.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:30 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
Post contains 717 words, total size 4 kb.

1 As someone who is very much a "spring person" I must say spring stinks. Literally - everything that kicked the bucket in winter, and all those cow pies that seem to be a fixture of the landscape here, suddenly start putrifying, all at once. And don't get me started on the mosquitoes...

Posted by: maolcolm at February 27, 2007 10:30 AM (D51tl)

2 Maolcom-you're right. I'd forgotten about the smell. And I remember in Stockholm it was even worse, as Spring revealed 6 months of frozen dog shit suddenly thawing on the sidewalks.

Posted by: Helen at February 27, 2007 11:34 AM (eNrfz)

3 I'm right there with you on all of it. The mud, the allergies, the dog shit, etc. The only good thing about it is that baseball is about to start up again.

Posted by: ~Easy at February 27, 2007 12:11 PM (eVLXY)

4 Though I enjoy the break from the deep freeze, I feel the same way because of allergies. Before I was indifferent to spring, now I dread it. Give me Fall anyday over spring.

Posted by: Minawolf at February 27, 2007 01:16 PM (75szC)

5 You are in the wrong country for spring - apparently! It's great here where we are. I loved the line about bangs. I saw a photo on the web yesterday, of a woman in the late 60's. She had hair teased up so high it looked like a hat!

Posted by: kenju at February 27, 2007 02:35 PM (L8e9z)

6 You are in the wrong country for spring - apparently! It's great here where we are. I loved the line about bangs. I saw a photo on the web yesterday, of a woman in the late 60's. She had hair teased up so high it looked like a hat!

Posted by: kenju at February 27, 2007 02:35 PM (L8e9z)

7 Haha I almost said something about hating Spring on your Flickr photo, but I thought you might be one of those people that like Spring. I hate Spring too! Like you said, it's generally cold and rainy for the entire season, and my allergies sap my will to live. The flowers are pretty, but I wish I could just fast foward to summer.

Posted by: geeky at February 27, 2007 03:41 PM (ziVl9)

8 Hum, first you need to get the RX Allegra, if that doesn't work for you, try the homeopathic Alph Alpha tablets. They both work, and I am the allergy queen...I feel your pain. Second, I'm sending all the snow from my yard to you so that you may enjoy the F#($*&G SNOW that we have to shovel out of our drive every F(*#&$@G damn morning.

Posted by: Heidi at February 27, 2007 05:56 PM (nVDdp)

9 Maybe I'm the odd one, because I live for Spring. Winter time here in Ohio is very dreary, and it is a very dark time for me, in many ways. I wait for months for Spring to come, but lately we haven't had much of Spring, just straight from Winter to blistering hot Summer. I have to agree, though, Spring stinks something fierce.

Posted by: Jill at February 27, 2007 06:03 PM (6LZya)

10 We just had to have bangs the size of the Berlin Wall in the 80's, and because of that all of the damn geraniums will die. Nice. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Dat's true. Oh and I love Spring. Even though it's raining here too, but we need it for the grapes. Thank GOD it's been raining; it's no damn fun when we don't have enough rain, and then Wine Spectator or some hoity-toity wine critic does an article on "Northern CA's lack of rain causes stress to vineyards" yatta, BS, blah, and then nobody wants to buy wine from that vintage. That happened in '98 and sales fell dramatically. Rain Good. No rain, Bad.

Posted by: Amber (the other one) at February 27, 2007 06:06 PM (zQE5D)

11 Spring? What is this season? I live in Arkansas and we go from cold in winter to the fiery pits of hell in April. Then we have about a day and a half of fall and then it's winter again. Good times, good times.

Posted by: Lindsay at February 27, 2007 06:45 PM (mHNC3)

12 Well, I used to like spring, even though Dallas had very little of it before OMG THE HEAT. But then I moved here. Spring here is much longer, which might be nice if it weren't also marked by daily 20-35 mile an hour winds. You know, the better to spread all the dust? I admit dust smells better than mud, but that's about all it's got going for it. And mud seldom blows into one's eyes. I don't know how people who wear contacts can stand this season here.

Posted by: ilyka at February 27, 2007 07:36 PM (l/ZiE)

13 Dude, I have one word: Michigan. Dirty snowbanks. Dried out roads that are white with salt residue. Mud that sucks your shoes off your feet. Snow in April. 50 degree weather in June that gives way to 100 degree heat in July. At least there is a little color in your world. Besides, for some reason Fall has always been the season of renewal for me-everything hides away or dies and calmly waits for the sun to shine again. Morbid maybe, but that would be me in a nutshell.

Posted by: Teresa at February 28, 2007 04:29 PM (JRUHQ)

14 What kind of a sick person are you? Not liking spring? Bunnies and buds( on the trees, not the type you smoke), green grass, and all that? I think it stems from living in a temperate climte. Live in PA or Minnesota for a winter, and you'll be jumping up and down for spring.

Posted by: Tom Bux at March 01, 2007 05:37 PM (YuwDy)

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