You get a lot of comments when you have twins, as I've said before. Most of the time the comments are stunningly unoriginal and lame -
It's like my uterus was a bucket of pot noodles, just add boiling water and a sachet of herbs and spices and you've got yourself a meal in a can.
The instant family comment is clear - we are a Mummy, Daddy, Brother, Sister, Dog and House With a Picket Fence. We are the way a family should be. From the outside we typify all that the statistics love us to be. I should be wearing a full skirt and an apron and serving up meatloaf in my hot pad clad hands.
People usually remark on the "instant family" thing when they find out we have boy/girl twins. Boy/girl twins, viewed as the winner in the IVF Lottery. One of each, the ideal combo. Having a male and female means we get the pink and the dolls and the lipstick as well as the blue and the trains and the footballs.
And this bothers me.
Mostly it bothers me because of the definition of family. Family used to mean nuclear family, yes. But I like to think that in modern times a family is what you make it. My family is Angus, mostly, and my children and his children. But it's his children that throw the perspective for a loop - by definition we already had an instant family as he has a son and daughter from his first marriage. So if we already had an instant family, what are we now?
My family has a mutt named Gorby and an angry Maggie Cat. My family is my father and stepmother and my step-grandma. The maternal side and my sibling have been neatly cleaved from my family tree. Are we still then a family? Have we just broken the family mold?
I think the family mold was broken before we got to it. I think in today's day and age a family is who you love and need, the ones you turn to in times of darkness and in times of light. My family consists of the people that, without them, life doesn't look even a little bit tempting.
Don't interpret this as being ungrateful for Nick and Nora, because I am almost daily grateful for them in a way I can't describe (the days I'm not grateful for them include teething days and days when one or both of them are being assholes. Yes, we have those days.) I just resent the idea that a house with Angus, Gorby, and Maggie didn't constitute a family. We were a family then. We're a family now. Adding little people to the mix doesn't make us any more of a family, it just changes the dynamics a bit.
I understand when people say I have an instant family. I have a son and a daughter, and I can recognize that if IVF had never worked I would have mourned the loss of both. If I had only one child I would always wonder what it would have been like having one of the opposite sex.
It's a formula people expect you to live up to - you get married. Enter house with white picket fence. Then after a TV dinner one night you and the spouse bump uglies and - because the world is perfect - 9 months later you have a boy whose name invariably includes the word "Junior". Then 2.5 years later a little girl arrives. Presto - you are complete.
I never get asked when I'll be having more. It's as though, having met the nuclear family quota in one go, I've fulfilled my responsibilities. Now the truth happens to be that I am indeed not having any more - five years, two miscarriages and five rounds of IVF followed by a perilous pregnancy do tend to have that effect - but I get left alone on the "when are you having more" front. After all, I have an instant family.
And you shouldn't just have one of each. Oh no, that's too easy. If you're placing an order at the Booty Bar then you should know that the boy needs to be born first. This is the Way Things Should Be. The boy should be older! This is the way! The girl should not be born first, she needs a big brother to protect her and to be the family heir! Do not mess this up or centuries of stereotyping will catch up and coat hanger you!
I look at my two. I have a boy and a girl, and the boy was born first no less, the way it should be. I'm not sure 2 minutes older really makes any difference one way or another, but Nick was pulled out first. I can now see gender differences in them, and they're not difference we have pushed or encouraged on them. Nick likes to bash and be noisy and move a lot. Nora likes to be calm and social and likes to dress up. This morning she had a small handbag slung over her shoulder and wouldn't remove it. Let me be clear here - I'm happy for both of them to dress up and both of them to play with trains, we don't try to enforce stereotypes here but it has transpired that I have a boyish boy and a girly girl, all done of their own volition.
I do think I am amazingly lucky to have the opportunity to not just be a mum to them, but to have one of each. And if I only had one child or two of the same sex, I think it goes without saying that I would have wondered what it would have been like to have a child of the other sex running through my household. Maybe it's that way with everyone.
But instant family? Nope. They joined a family that was already here, and that will undoubtedly change and grow in the future, too.
-H.
PS-I'm looking for a reputable tattooist in the North Hampshire area. If you know of one, please let me know!
1
People tell me I shouldn't long for another child because I already have a boy and a girl.
It's rubbish.
Posted by: Jen R. (aaron-n-jen.com) at March 12, 2009 11:37 AM (QrHCo)
2
I know what you mean about the comments.
I had the perfect pregnancy with Ailane, no problems, perfect birth. She was my firstborn. Then, it came time for another. And, I couldn't get pregnant. Had three miscarriages, and finally had Blake when Ailane was 8.
I get comments all the time asking why I waited so long, that my kids won't be close because there is such an age difference. I ignore the comments, but seethe on the inside. I didn't want that gap, I sure as hell didn't want secondary infertility either.
And then, I felt like a sham in the infertility world. I once got a comment that I should be happy with my first one, that those with primary infertility have it worse. I get that, but my first was a girl. I HAD to have my boy, you know.
Posted by: Andria and Co. at March 12, 2009 12:01 PM (sn8R/)
3
I recently had a little boy (I have a 2.5yo daughter) and I hate HATE the 'pidgeon pair' comments. Seriously, I was going to be happy no matter what the sex of my children, simply because they are my children.
And so far, my son is so much more placid and laid back than my daughter ever was. But then, he is only 7 weeks old, so I can't compare too much yet.
Posted by: Veronica at March 12, 2009 12:01 PM (l5geK)
4
This comment turmned into a post--I hate people who put a post in a comment. I'll put the post on my own blog.
I'll cut it short by simply saying that there are many connotations to "family". For myself, my family is my wife and my kids. Everyone else is extended family.
Posted by: ~Easy at March 12, 2009 12:54 PM (IVGWz)
5
I've got three girls, so I definitely get the "trying for a boy" comments. What I thought you were going to come around to was that people need to challenge the idea that girls = pink and dolls, etc. There is very little pink at my house and dolls have never been big and when I look around our playroom it's all red green and blue, blocks, ring stacks and balls. And thank the dear lord, no princess crap. Sometimes I do get the feeling that parents push a lot of this nonsense on their kids rather than their children requesting all pink, all dolls, all the time. Thanks for a thoughtful post on what it means to be a family.
Posted by: Laura GF at March 12, 2009 01:16 PM (9Sd31)
6
Laura - I didn't address that but it's a very valid point. We did subscribe to the colors of pink and blue when taking the babies out as infants as then people knew what their sexes were and generally left us alone (what is it about having twins that everyone wants to know the sexes?) But I too think there's room for changing stereotypes. Case in point - over Christmas a family member sent Nick a train and sent Nora a doll. Lemme' just say that the train remains a hotly contested item between both babies to this day.
That said, Nora is a bit of a girly girl. I'm not looking forward to anything even remotely princess.
Posted by: Helen at March 12, 2009 01:23 PM (LewRx)
7
Try walking around pregnant with baby #5. It apparently puts us in "Duggar territory". If we bother to explain that the oldest is mine, and the younger 3 are my husband's from his first marriage, we inevitably get the "OH - Your's, Mine, and Ours!" references.
Meh. This is the second child I have been lucky enough to carry long enough to give birth to. She will be my second girl, and I couldn't be more thrilled. I don't think I'll ever sit and wish I'd given birth to a son...maybe that's the benefit of having two older stepsons...maybe not.
Posted by: Tracy at March 12, 2009 01:46 PM (eiiGE)
8
Ugh. What a stupid statement. In a related episode of ridiculousness, I've had people tell me that P wasn't conceived naturally, which pisses me off. My egg, husband's sperm, in my body, and guess what, a baby. Sounds pretty natural to me.
Anyway, if you come up with a reputable tattooist, please let me know. I'm looking to get one soon-ish but all the ones down here seem like vestiges of those who would cater to 17th century port folk. Ew.
Posted by: MsPrufrock at March 12, 2009 02:10 PM (CA+L6)
9
when my aunt was pregnant for the third time, having already had two boys, she got the 'are you hoping for a girl?' comment all the time. eventually she would just reply with 'no, we're hoping for a redhead'.
her son (my godson) was neither a girl nor a redhead, and none of us would want him any other way.
Posted by: QoB at March 12, 2009 02:38 PM (VhI+2)
10
People constantly tell me that I'll change my mind about wanting kids. That some day I'll want a family. I have one. It includes a brother, parents, two great nephews, lots of cats, and the greatest friends a girl could ever ask for. I do not need crotchfruit to feel complete. I've wanted to be sterilized since, oh--birth.
I really just think that everyone in the world needs to stop worrying about the state of other people's genitals and gestating bits.
Posted by: Ms. Pants at March 12, 2009 03:02 PM (xg9yQ)
11
I understand about the world's need to define family. My mother's first words to me after the birth of my son was "okay, now you have one of each, you can stop". Nice.
Family is who you invite into your life and heart, not just who is related by blood.
Posted by: Melissia at March 12, 2009 03:18 PM (IBnue)
12
when my aunt was pregnant for the third time, having already had two boys, she got the 'are you hoping for a girl?' comment all the time. she would reply 'no, we're hoping for a redhead'.
her third son (my godson) was neither a girl nor a redhead, and none of us would want him any other way.
Posted by: QoB at March 12, 2009 03:24 PM (VhI+2)
13
I HATE when people including my father ask “when are you having another one?” Or assume "when you have your next..." I have a son. I have always yearned for a girl ever since I was a little girl. But now that I have one who says that I am going to have another one? That's up to me and my partner. Being a mom is tough. I love it. But it is hard. I honestly don't know if I could handle another one at this point. One may be it for me. Or it may not.
I still fantasize about having a little girl at times but when I have a shitty night like last night of teething happens, I am brought back to reality. I don't think I could be as good as a mom to my son if I had to divide up my time. I have never known such exhaustion or depression since becoming a mother and it's not a something I care to repeat soon.
Posted by: Siera at March 12, 2009 03:59 PM (Ckc6D)
14
Mrs.Thomas and I have have two black cats which complete our family.
Posted by: Mr.Thomas at March 12, 2009 03:59 PM (bB3uL)
15
I've always only wanted to have one child and I probably would have been happy either way, but I'm secretly pleased the one I'm having in a few weeks is a girl. Of course, I have a built in excuse, "Michael has two boys from his first marriage, so she makes three!" It's easier than telling people that I just want one and that being an only child (since I was one) isn't torturing a child or depriving them.
Posted by: Emily at March 12, 2009 04:26 PM (xm1A1)
16
So, do we get to choose what the tattoo says?
"Yes they are twins, no they aren't identical, one of them has a willy", perhaps?
Posted by: Katie at March 12, 2009 06:07 PM (UaL+O)
17
I was all set for the Mini to be an only, and while I was still on the fence was actually leaning towards being ok with just one. Of course, nature had other plans, and I've gotten the "do you want a girl now that you already have a boy" question more times than I can count. It annoys me to no end, because um, no, I'd be totally ok with either, as long as it's healthy, but the other side of me wants another boy. I have all of the clothes, and the stuff, and I already know what I'm up against, and it's total bullshit when people say "oh now your family is complete." What if it IS a boy? My family isn't complete then? WTF?
But really, the cliche that you just want a healthy baby is really true. And that's all I want. If I had wanted to choose a gender, I'd have done IVF with PGD. Designer babies FTW!
Posted by: statia at March 12, 2009 06:08 PM (s5ipx)
18
And then there's those of us who haven't had kids, and therefore my teeny family (H. Me. The aspidistra) is not a considered to BE family, and our parents still seem to expect our primary loyalties to be to THEM and not each other.
Which sucks.
Posted by: May at March 12, 2009 06:49 PM (3jesX)
19
Apologies for whining in last comment. It's something to do with Mother's Day looming, and the resulting Mumzilla moments the step-mother/ mother/ mother-in-law can pull about visiting rights, and the way my sister gets a fuss made of her and I don't, which is childish of me, and I'm sorry, but clearly not sorry enough to shut the fuck up about it, must go fossick on my OWN blog and stop consuming oxygen on yours.
Posted by: May at March 12, 2009 06:51 PM (3jesX)
20
Have to jump on the bandwagon here. I have twin boys, and the first (out of countless) times I was asked if we 'we're going to try for a girl', was LITERALLY rendered speechless by the stupidity of the question.
Posted by: Alison at March 12, 2009 07:09 PM (xhJLD)
21
I totally know where you're coming from. I live on an island, where my twins are the ONLY twins (as far as I know) and we get comments ALL THE TIME. I resent the "instant family" thing too, as it implies my husband and I were incomplete people before we had babies. My twinnies are girls, and what really bugs me is when people say "So are you going to try for a boy?" Cuz you know, life is meaningless if there isn't an extra penis in the house. I grew up with 3 brothers, so I love my female dominated household. I won't be sacrificing any live chickens to fertility goddesses in the hopes of attaining a boy.
Posted by: Jungletwins at March 12, 2009 08:36 PM (wyPEC)
22
I have three children, all boys. I love my family as is and did when it was just one boy, then two boys, then three boys. Never once did I feel cheated or feel the need to 'try for a girl', yet I got that every step of the way. After my first, "When are you going to try for that girl?". When pregnant with the 2nd, "Trying for that girl?" With two boys... "When are you going to try for that girl?" and when pregnant with the third, "Still trying to hold out hope for that girl?"
I got to the point I wanted to smack the every living sh** out of people. I only wanted healthy. Now? I have my own personal little army.
People ask me if I wish I'd had a girl. I get that ALL THE TIME. I tell them emphatically, "NO. I could NOT be happier with what we have."
To this day, I have people ask me if I've ever thought of having one more, just to see if I could have the girl. (My children are 14, 12, and 10... like I want to start again?) A little bit of me permanently hates them for saying that... as if my three boys are the blue light special.
Posted by: Bou at March 12, 2009 09:18 PM (vkUMO)
23
Just a fun little conversational tidbit from the delivery room:
"Did your husband actually ask when you're going to have a second?"
"Yes."
"Did you hit him?"
(for context, I'd already brought it up before him, as in, "oh god, I don't know how I'm going to handle this again." I hated being pregnant.)
Posted by: B. Durbin at March 13, 2009 01:39 AM (eauGZ)
24
Great post Helen. As someone who is still trying to have her "instant family" I find this very interesting. Currently my "core" family consists of my husband and our two dogs. Yes we are a family. Would we love to have children to add to that fold - 150% but we are still a family. I think that family is no longer defined by that old adage - as I have many friends who are considered family as well. Family is what we make of it.
And it looks like you've made a great one!
Posted by: SCY at March 13, 2009 08:46 AM (udJJd)
25
I remember being unbelievably cross when my b-i-l announced that his wife was preganant and therefore they would be a proper family implying that we childless ones were not. I've never really felt the same about him since. he is also part of the reason why I never revealed our infertile status.
I confess I was quite pleased I had a girl then a boy as saying "oh I've got one of each I'm stopping" stops all they "are you having any more?" comments and I really don't want to explain that I'm probably too old and too reliant on drugs and drs to make and keep me pregnant.
As to family - my husband became part of my family without needing to be married to me and without us needing our kids.
Posted by: Betty M at March 13, 2009 05:05 PM (q0m9f)
26
I lucked out with boy-girl twins, thanks to modern medicine. Again, thanks to modern medicine, they were born 14 weeks early. By the grace of God, our baby girl is still with us, perfectly 'normal' in every way. Her brother has special needs due to extreme prematurity. All I wished for when trying for years to get pregnant was a healthy, happy, normal baby.
Posted by: Kristy at March 17, 2009 03:43 AM (78h+n)
Hide Comments
| Add Comment
