We leave for Venice Thursday night for a long weekend of Italian fun. I really care for Venice-it's a bit chaotic, a bit romantic, and such an old and bumpy city. I can only hope that Mr. Y likes it as much as well.

Walking hand-in-hand back from picking up the newspaper a few weeks ago, I mention Venice to Mr. Y.

"Are you looking forward to Venice?" I ask, smiling over at him.

"I am," he says honestly. "It will be nice."

"Venice is so romantic, I just love it." I say, feeling dreamy. I am just about to tell him that I think it's so romantic that I am expecting him to read me poetry and wear a puffy shirt (a la bodice ripping romantic novels) when he interjects.

"I hope you're not expecting me to propose, cause that's not going to happen." he says, wryly.

Hmmm...actually I was going to suggest he read me poetry and dress up like a pirate, a proposal hadn't even crossed my mind, but ok.

Not like there's any question in my mind about how he feels about marriage. Once a truly traditional and conservative boy, he has gone a bit sour about marriage, and doesn't see any pros in it. In Europe, if you are a couple that lives together you get the same rights as a partnership that you get if you're married, and unless you are religious, maybe marriage has less impact, less drive, there's less need to put the meringue on.

To be honest, I myself am a bit confused about marriage. Having been married twice, if I went for a third time it really better had be the final time, or else I really am bordering on Elizabeth Taylor-like behavior. And I don't even know my own thoughts about marriage-the only thing I am sure about is Mr. Y is the one I want to be with until the end. If I can't be with him, I don't want anyone else. This is the guy I want, sign it in indelible ink, seal the envelope, put it in the vault. I finally have the one thing that I have always been lacking in all of my relationships-I have faith. It's a weird and foreign feeling, lemme tell you, to have faith in anything, let alone another person.

Mr. Y's more cautious-he says he wants to spend his life with me, and really hopes it happens, and as it looks today things are positive, however you never really know, do you?

And it's ironic-that's exactly the stand I used to take with previous partners when they swore their love and wish to be with me forever. They had so much faith and certainty, and here I was arming myself in stacks of yellowing insurance policies, simply because I was so sure that I was being realistic and cautious. Others used to get upset at my response, and now I know why.

It kinda' hurts to hear.

In less than a weeks' time-barring a few agreements that still need to be reached-Mr. Y and his ex will be divorced. My divorce papers have now dried, too, and it strikes me as odd about how easy divorce can be, from a logistics standpoint. In Sweden, as a childless couple, we just signed a paper and once the courts got to it, voila. We're divorced. With kids involved, it's a 6 month "cooling off" period to sort out the details of custody, homes, etc. Monthly payments are made. Items moved out of homes. And voila. Divorced.

It was easy in the U.S. as well, once my psycho ex-husband stopped stalking me (thank you, oh great protective order) and sat around a table during a tense negotiation with me, my scummy lawyer, and some mediators. I signed up for paying all the debts, he got all the property and furnishings, and voila. Divorced.

But those are just logistics. Nowhere does it tell you about how it can feel. There's no paper to document how you split yourself up inside. Compartmentalize all you want, but the heart still hurts when you rub it the wrong way.

With my first husband, I honestly didn't feel that bad about the divorce, and weirdly enough the fact that I lacked any pain makes me feel bad. Guilty. Like I didn't care enough, which in retrospect, I guess I didn't. A bad woman in a bad marriage to a bad man. Maybe if he hadn't have raped me and stalked me, I might've cared more. Or maybe I am just a cold bitch, I don't know.

But with X Partner Unit....well, I felt terrible. And sometimes I still do-it's cyclical, sometimes it just hits me, the guilt, and I feel raw and hope that he finds someone wonderful that loves him to bits and takes care of his heart. I'm sure over time that the guilt will lessen. We weren't meant to be together, but that doesn't mean I want him to be unhappy.

The truth is, I want him to be happier than when he was with me.

Maybe marriage should have some kind of clause-if you get married, you sign up for the Arm Clause, like if you get divorced you lose an arm. Or a Hand Clause if you are less certain about the person. Because sometimes, in relationships where you do genuinely care about the person, it hurts like a body part has been cleaved right off, and you walk around a bit unbalanced, smacking into the walls when you meant to go straight. We would know others right away who are missing parts of their heart due to a divorce, as they walk around with one sleeve pinned up. We form Stumpy Clubs for those who've lost body parts, and the really unfortunate souls are missing two arms, or even a leg.

Or maybe you can elect to change the appendage loss. You know-you wind up being so mad for someone that you think: Hmm. Losing my hand isn't enough. If I lost this person, it really would be more of a spleen and foot thing, I really need to up the ante. You never know how the love you have for someone is going to grow. Sometimes it just expands and looks more sparkly and exquisite as time goes on.

I like to think the dreamers and believers know that, too.

Maybe when you get married, it really should be because you know that you can't go a day without knowing that other person is yours and yours alone. That there's no one else on earth you'd rather waste a Sunday afternoon with. That this person knows the few things in the world that you need and love and will do anything to help them with it. That respect isn't just a seven-letter word, it's about so much more than a term people fling around, that respect has meaning and needs to be a guiding factor in the partnership. That this person is going to weather anything-cancer, mother-in-laws, fights about money, holidays-and your affection isn't going to decrease at all. That you can't keep your hands off of them and never want them to stop touching you, either. That you have never, ever felt more alive than in the presence of that person, in their care, in their arms, in their heart.

So we should have to sign a paper saying: If I give up on this, I'll give you my arm, which you can do with as you wish, be it put it in a trophy display case or use it for practical jokes. Maybe then marriage and divorce will both mean something, something more than it seems to today. Because if you find that person, that one true and great match that makes you spin around in circles on the lawn and marry them, then losing an arm is the lesser of the pains that you will have. It's the incidental to the big pain that you will carry around forever.

-H.

PS-Jim, whom I adore, has an important interview coming up. They will be looking at his blog, so if you like him, go leave him a comment in his comments section. Makes him look good

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:55 AM | Comments (19) | Add Comment
Post contains 1385 words, total size 7 kb.

1 I must agree with Mr Y here...the further away from marriage that I can come, the better. My belief is that if you truly love each other you don't need marriage. You can have a hellova party anyways And you are free to leave if you want to. Or stay if you prefer that. No legal ties at all. I've been married twice as well, scumbags in their own way both of them, and I'm still divorcing the second one. I don't think I need to do it again...as you said, it's confusing, and to me it's confusing coz I don't really understand the difference in being married and not. Would I love my man more coz I marry him? Or less coz I don't want to? Robin promised to propose when I turn 80...and that's 40 years from now. Hopefully I won't live that long so I don't have to turn him down And I hope you'll have a great time in Venice

Posted by: croxie at August 10, 2004 09:12 AM (RDsfu)

2 I like marriage. I've only done it once though. I won't do any divorce or child custody work because I got involved with one once and it was horribly painful for all. Remember what Oscar Wilde said about second marriages though? I think he called them: "the triumph of hope over experience". I love Venice.

Posted by: RP at August 10, 2004 11:09 AM (X3Lfs)

3 I guess I have a similar attitude to Croxie on this (and I've never even been married). Not being religious the only thing marriage symbolises to me is a legal tie to your partner. If you truly love each other, legal ties are redundant hence marriage is unneccessary and as divorce rates show, a relationship having a legal basis isn't going to force people to stick with it. That's kind of cynical I know, but there are plenty of other ways to publically declare your love and commitment to your partner than marriage. Like dressing up as a pirate and reading romantic poetry to them in Venice, for example.

Posted by: Gareth at August 10, 2004 11:41 AM (JVSGz)

4 Atta' boy, Gareth.

Posted by: Helen at August 10, 2004 11:53 AM (/mgCX)

5 I'm with you Helen. Marriage is way too easy to get out of. It should cost an arm or leg to end a marriage (literally as well as figuratively). If we did that, people would think long and hard before getting married and find ways to make their marriage work. Let the dismembering begin!

Posted by: Solomon at August 10, 2004 01:17 PM (k1sTy)

6 I waited until I was much older to get married and I'm glad that I did. I don't think I had the relationship skills I needed before then. I love being married, but sometimes it's really hard work. There's a quote from a movie that I like and can easily relate to marriage: "You cannot make a real commitment unless you accept that it's a choice that you keep making again, and again, and again." Enjoy Venice!

Posted by: Linda at August 10, 2004 01:51 PM (9Pzdi)

7 I'm not sure about the dismembering. I'm pretty sure that the term would be too literal for some. I plan on keeping my member, thank you very much. The wife and I mostly got married for the party & the presents. Otherwise we might not have bothered.

Posted by: EAsy at August 10, 2004 02:31 PM (iKH8O)

8 I don't want to get divorced. I think that is why 6 months away from my marriage my x fiance and I called it off. We would have gotten divorced. We were together for the wrong reasons. Ultimately when you find the right person, everything just fits like an old glove. I think what usually occurs is most people are not wholly honest with each other. Ie marrying for the wrong reasons.

Posted by: pylorns at August 10, 2004 02:34 PM (FTYER)

9 Your entry touched me on so many levels. Two of which I'd like to talk about if you don't mind... First, when you were talking about the way marriage should be. It reminded me of an analogy that a catholic priest told a friend of mine about marriage which I actually really liked. It goes something like...when you get married, it's like mixing oil and water together. If you were to get a divorce, you can try to separate the oil from the water as much as you want, but there will always be traces of the other left. Second, when you were describing how it is to love someone...When my fiancee and I got together, I felt something I completely hadn't expected to feel. A sense of freedom. I couldn't tell you why, I think it was because I had never felt like there was any person in the world that I could be completely free with until him. I'm so excited for you about your trip to Venice, I so want to go too!

Posted by: Jadewolff at August 10, 2004 02:41 PM (tqQaS)

10 marriage is hard. Hard, hard work. My husband & I actually filed for divorce at around 7 years, then decided to stick it out. Five years later, we're still hanging in. I'm just not sure everyone finds that true love of their life that you described. I don't think I "settled," but I've never had what you described.

Posted by: kalisah at August 10, 2004 03:28 PM (B6gHW)

11 i think of marraige as something you do before you have children. otherwise it's over-rated. after watching my parents divorce, i want to try and avoid that fate. i guess there are no guarantees though. oh, and i'm glad my parents got to keep their arms and legs after they divorced. people make mistakes. i think the divorce process is punishment enough for most. ;-)

Posted by: kat at August 10, 2004 04:54 PM (qEQy+)

12 Thanks for the plug you wonderful woman you. If it came down to it I'd definitely put you down for several digits and two lobes of my liver. Minimimum.

Posted by: Jim at August 10, 2004 07:32 PM (IOwam)

13 Kat - I agree people make mistakes, but with divorce so easily available and widely accepted, people get married having put little or no thought & effort into getting to know their "life-long" spouse. If an arm or a leg were truly at stake, people would do everything within their power to make sure a mistake wasn't made. And if one was made, they'd try everything before giving up. As it is now, people quit a marriage having suffered a lot but having tried very little to make it work. I'm not accusing any of Helen's readers and my cyber-friends, I'm merely pointing out what I observe. I apologize if I offended anyone with this comment. And, no, I'm not really in favor of dismembering...that's too mild. It should be public dismembering with no Novocain or either the husband or wife has to be put to death THEN you'd see some serious marriage reconciliation

Posted by: Solomon at August 10, 2004 07:57 PM (k1sTy)

14 There is something about marriage that makes me all for it. I'm old fashioned like that though. I'm also happy that I found the old, worn glove that fits, the one that makes me feel free, at ease, peaceful. No matter what, I hope you have a fabulous time in Venice and that you return with all of your limbs intact.

Posted by: Christine at August 10, 2004 08:15 PM (I7uLT)

15 Mmm, Venice. I'm green with envy, waving a lace hankie in your direction and wishing you wonderful days... and nights. I was married once before, and I am still sad to think that I tried, so hard, and failed. When I was all gussed up in the white poof for THIS wedding, my girlfriend chafed my hand and said, quite ernestly, "you're not going to run are you?"... I was never so scared in my whole life. Not to be married. But to be divorced, again. I think, can I say this? ... I think that there is a part of me that hopes that there is one last great romantic soulmate fling out there. That one person, even this amazing person, well... can't be everything for my entire life. Maybe when I'm 70. This is SO cheeky of me, but what the hell.. I am American, I presume too much ... Would you don't want to be married again, with the possibility of being divorced again? Would it be that you just want to be asked? To be wanted in a such a public display of coupledom? Even if niether of you would want the actual wedding? Oh, I hope Venice is amazing... Elizabeth the other VP of the M.A.S.

Posted by: Elizabeth at August 10, 2004 10:49 PM (KqlEq)

16 "Would it be that you just want to be asked? To be wanted in a such a public display of coupledom?" You know what, Elizabeth? You have a great point. I would love to be asked by Mr. Y. I would love to be indefinitely engaged.

Posted by: Helen at August 11, 2004 06:33 AM (/mgCX)

17 Hi...my first time stopping by your site...I'm jealous about Venice, that's for sure! Have a great time....I'll come back by to hear the details...

Posted by: Sheilah at August 11, 2004 07:21 AM (DHNeq)

18 I think I may be one of the very fortunate, very few. I've known my husband for 12 years. Neither of us were married previously, and we were best friends before we even considered dating. To divorce him? Please, just go ahead and cut out my heart, because unless he becomes a serial killer, I don't ever want to be without him. On the other side, I do believe marriage and divorce are far to easy when they shouldn't be, and in abusive situations, divorce if far more difficult than it should be. I had a friend once who was raped, stalked, and physically abused by her first husband, but because he kept telling the court that he didn't want to divorce, she couldn't get away from him. I hope I never know how that feels. Have an awesome time in Venice, Helen!

Posted by: scorpy at August 11, 2004 01:37 PM (4DfB+)

19 Scorpy-your friend's experience of her divorce is eerily similar to my first divorce. A story for another day, perhaps

Posted by: Helen at August 11, 2004 01:45 PM (TmM0X)

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