"Since we've gotten tgoether - you know, properly - has there ever been another man that you thought: Right. I'd have a relationship with him, he'd be a good person to substitute if we broke up. I don't mean sexually, I mean from a relationship perspective, if there's someone you thought you could or would want to be with if we split?"

This is what Angus asks me last night, bottle of wine uncorked and dinner on a slow simmer.

I twirl the stem of my wineglass in my hand and think about it.

Angus has long thought I am flighty, unreliable in relationships. This is not without foundation - my track record is not stellar. I have a path of relationship destruction behind me, I used to have a hurricane's love life of constant pounding rain and drama and moments in the eye where the sun didn't stop shining.

I am better at loving now. Therapy has helped. Time has helped. Trying to find my way home is what's really done it, knowing that where I am is where I'm supposed to be has signed, sealed and delivered.

It doesn't mean I'm perfect.

I have wondered about life past Angus. It's not something I dwell on but we do have our problems. Last Christmas for example. It was a very, very dark period in our relationship and the words "It's over. Get out." were actually said and actually meant. I think it's foolish to not wonder what you'd do if it ended. If we came to a close the babies and I would continue to live in England, within close distance to Angus as we feel it's extremely important for both parents to have as involved a presence as possible. I wouldn't move back to the States because to me, this is home. I love being here. And I think it's better for the children, too.

And I know that if we split both of us would eventually find someone else. Angus isn't the kind of man who's meant to be alone.

But the truth is, neither am I.

It's not a co-dependence or fear of being alone. I have been alone and had a damn good time of it. I guess when I look forward I just see someone else there, too.

So have I come across anyone that I would want a relationship with?

I think about it.

My recent contact with the prior one night stand comes up. He was an incredibly good kisser, that's for sure. But he was big on what I call "cock talk" (hot tip: I'm not a fan of the word "spunk" unless you're talking about someone being overly charismatic) and truthfully, not my kind of guy. So not him.

I had another one night stand years ago, in my single days, with a colleague (god I sound like such a whore. A corporate whore, no less.) He was sweet and kind and attentive, but again - not my kind of guy.

I think about all of my colleagues and friends. Not one of them even entered my mind as a possibility. I cast my mind further back. There was a sweet, lovely man many, many years ago. An architect with a stutter who told me, after our one and only goodnight kiss, that he could still feel me on his senses. I can't remember his name, which makes me a real bitch, but he would have made a wonderful husband and father.

But no. There's no one else. I tell Angus this.

He tells me he has two who could potentially fill my shoes, although only one of them is someone he could potentially be interested in. I don't feel jealous and I don't feel threatened - he's just being honest, and more to the point this other person lives in Germany and isn't someone he has much contact with. This is all hypothetical and I know that. It does make me question the wisdom of having no one lined up should he shuffle off, but then again I'm not in the business of banking on having a backup, because even when Angus is being a Class A Asshole, he's still my Class A Asshole.

I wonder if I should get a list, accented by the fact that we had a really tough week last week and at some points I wondered how much I would get for him on ebay, which is roughly what he wondered about me. I've got a blank dance card - anyone interested?

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:47 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
Post contains 763 words, total size 4 kb.

1 Wow, good for both of you for being at a place where you can discuss that sort of thing honestly. It's definitely saying something that he can be open about having thought about it, as well as that you don't have anyone in mind. Seriously, I'm envious here.

Posted by: D at September 22, 2008 08:10 AM (bRx8a)

2 I hope you have a better week this week. However, i am amazed you can say you had a bad week and not a bad month given that you have two small ones, work stress, family stress and the mother of all building projects on the go! When all is said and done it sounds like you and the boy are going great guns! Still, if you are considering back up, what about your boy John Cusack, he single these days?! abs x

Posted by: abs at September 22, 2008 11:01 AM (pejJ8)

3 abs - no longer crushing on John Cusack. Instead, I have a new number one - David Tennant. Now he's definitely on the list

Posted by: Helen at September 22, 2008 11:02 AM (ApFKI)

4 Ahh, yes. A list. I have one of those. It is well populated and with single men no less.

Posted by: Oddybobo at September 22, 2008 11:32 AM (dVFQh)

5 If I said I was interested in filling your dance card (no puns or innuendos intended), I'm not sure who would kill me first. The Super Model Mrs. Solomon or Helen. : ) But seriously, discussions like that are very dangerous IMO. People rarely just have an affair. They usually start with "harmless" discussions/ideas/flirtations, and then something blooms. I think pondering stuff like "my spouse's replacement" could trigger thought processes that Solomon shouldn't have. I know people want to be open and honest (and I'm all for that too), but some topics are better left unexplored. What if you or he had said, "Yeah, the guy/girl in the office next to mine."? Paranoia might start for the other one. Every time you/he was "working late", the other might get suspicious. Did you ever see that scene in "Jerry McGuire" where his girlfriend tells him she once did a threesome in college and would do so for him if he wanted? He replied, "Honey, you know that thing we do where we tell each other everything...maybe that's not such a good idea." That's probably not the exact quote, but it's a humorous way to explain how I feel. : )

Posted by: Solomon at September 22, 2008 12:43 PM (x+GoF)

6 I have back ups, but they are unattainable (the dudes that rock my world on tv and in movies). Actually, they are the dudes I would just like a good shag with. I sometimes think about what life would be like with someone else, and Adam and I have discussed it. He can see no one else he would like to be with-and I know he means it. Even when I think I can't stand him a minute more, I know that he is the only one for me. That doesn't mean that if something ever did happen I couldn't go on, but for the here and now, he is the only one who rocks my world. Having said that, your offer tempts me. Do we get the house?

Posted by: Teresa at September 22, 2008 01:04 PM (07Vt0)

7 I have no backups...no plan b. I was quite happy being alone before I met my husband. I can't see life without him now. Granted, I've been obsessed with it lately - about what happens if he has a heart attack or whatever, and I'm suddenly left with a new baby, my daughter, and his three - over whom there would be an ugly custody battle. But I think that's a pregnant woman thing. Worrying about a bunch of crap you shouldn't worry about because there's no sense to it.

Posted by: Tracy at September 22, 2008 01:15 PM (eiiGE)

8 /agree Solomon

Posted by: Jen (aaron-n-jen.com) at September 22, 2008 02:01 PM (cLxRc)

9 *hand raised* BYOWang.

Posted by: Ms. Pants at September 22, 2008 03:04 PM (+p4Zf)

10 When my husband would ask me this question I would wonder why this has come to his mind. Because of an especially hard week? Kidding? We had especially hard whole years together, no fun, no sex, no love, just being best friends, working like made and raising our child. BUT we made the interesting experience that love and excitement for each other came back, even after long periods of depression and fighting. Staying together worked out as valuable for both of us, not only for the sake of our child. I wish the two of you a long breath (as we say in German "einen langen Atem haben" = staying power). P.

Posted by: Paula at September 22, 2008 03:41 PM (Y/xBy)

11 I think having a backup list makes the chance of straying too easy - for women anyway.

Posted by: kenju at September 22, 2008 05:53 PM (MvNh+)

12 hey! I used to be an architect.. well, almost an architect..but then 'almost' only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades, and I never had a stutter so I guess it wasn't me.. Doah!! but I do have a fantasy list.. and kinda like solomon, this is where I keep these conversations. I think I can squeeze you in between Shirly MacClain and Sophia Loren on my list.

Posted by: j.m at September 23, 2008 05:53 AM (8mtSv)

13 You both are stressed. Home remodel. A baby. Wait, make that two. Company. The swunt. You guys need a serious break. Not from each other, but from those things that push us too hard.

Posted by: Lauren at September 23, 2008 07:03 AM (Pt1kf)

14 Helen: If you're not currently using John Cusak mind if I borrow him? :-)

Posted by: Flikka at September 23, 2008 07:17 AM (o19Kc)

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