...what are you thinking of?

OK, I admit I was a pure, absolute Disney fan when I was a child, so I watched all of the films. Including Thomasina, the story of an English cat with a number of lives and a poncey accent to boot.

I used to love this film as a kid-I'm not sure why, perhaps because it was a movie about second chances, about love, about forgiveness, but above all it was about a cat and that appealed to my child-like love of cats (which continues on today!)

An email from someone who reads my site got me thinking about my life since the mail was very well-written and thoughtful, but also because I am an unemployed loser desperately hoping for a work visa (will be about two weeks before I know the answer to this. In the meantime, my ulcer is about to produce an ulcer of its own).

I think I have had many lives, actually, and I don't mean this in any gauzy Shirley McLaine kind of way. I mean I can think of several distinct periods in my life that are so radically different from the others, that a conscious choice to change my life is almost audible.

They are:

Life 1 - Ages 0-14. Otherwise known as "my childhood". And here is something that I have never told anyone really-I don't remember my childhood. Any of it. The things I do remember turn out to be snapshots that I have in a photo album. The real memories I have of my childhood are hazy, undefined moments that pop up in blips and starts like an 8mm movie. And the creepy thing-all the movie memories of my childhood I have are in black and white.

Yes, my therapist and I are addressing this.

Life 2 - Ages 14-17. My memories kick in big time, and all in color, although recently talking to my sister it's become clear that these memories are off track, too. These are the high school years, and high school for me was a very rough time. My mother, sister and I lived in Arlington, Texas and we were zoned for a very posh neighborhood, when we were very far from posh. We had little money, lived in a tiny rented house with shag carpeting, and I drove a 12 year old Honda to school which got urinated on daily by the football team during practice, when they would go through the parking lot and pee on the bad cars (very noticable from the Beemers, convertibles, and Porsches in the parking lot). I had no friends, and was not only the class clown but also the honor student. I graduated early just to get out of that hellhole. The school just had their ten year reunion. Fuck that.

Life 3 - Ages 18-20 I was married to the biggest dick south of the Mason-Dixon line, and stayed in college while I was married for 18 months to the lamest excuse for a man that I have ever met. Ironically, I don't regret marrying him-at least I have a "Worst" to compare him to.

Life 4 - Ages 20-25. These are the Kim years, as well as the years I graduated from school, started working, and started to try to get on with my life. I learned to scuba dive. I started to travel all over the world. I bounced into being an alcoholic. I bought my first house. I learned Russian. I got my first tattoo (it was the initial "K" on my ankle to start with, for Kim. Then I had it turned into the Kanji symbol for endurance and eternity. Fitting, really.) I suffered my first heartbreak.

Life 5 - Ages 25-29. I moved to Sweden, married Partner Unit, and worked my knuckles to the bone for Company X. I continued travelling like mad, I made two extremely close friends in Dear Mate and Best Friend. I got pregnant. I bought a house. I learned another language. I went sky-diving. I tried to kill myself and started therapy. I got my heart broken. I got my second tattoo (on my shoulder, the Kanji symbol for "heaven", which is defined as a moment of pure and perfect happiness). I became a vegetarian.

And so what's next? Well, it looks like Life 6 is heading up to bat. Lost my job. About to turn 30 (my birthday is on April 1. Yes, seriously. And yes-I have already heard all the jokes, trust me.) My marriage is busting up. I may or may not be moving to the UK to start my Dream Job. I may or may not be heading back into my bed for the rest of my life.

What does all this mean? Well, if Thomasina got nine lives, then I seem to be burning through my lives rather quickly. If it is so that I have 55+ more years to go, I had better slow down a bit It's just strange that I don't think of my life in one continuous movement, but rather in acts, in scenes where I was so radically different a character than the one I had been before. In one act I was the victim. In another, I underwent my own renaissance. I am not sure if this is a feature of shaping and growing, or hiding and avoiding. And what it all boils down to, is this: At the end of my nine lives, will I know who I am then?

I have had so many lives, and so many times where I was completely different from one life to the next. Do you ever think about that? About how many lives you have had?

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:34 AM | Comments (36) | Add Comment
Post contains 958 words, total size 5 kb.

1 I think I am still on the first life, waiting to emerge from my childhood. This would explain why I think things like GUOMN are still funny.

Posted by: Guinness at January 30, 2004 08:43 AM (7uAz8)

2 I'm on about the fourth, and I'm not even 20 yet, so.. you're doing a better job than me. You're not a cat, but working the nine lives theory.. I would say that the last day of your ninth life, you will have more of an idea about who you are than you ever have had. It just makes sense that after a lifetime of lives, you'll have more of an awareness of yourself than you did in the earlier stages of that lifetime. What I think will happen, though, is at the end of your ninth life, you'll begin your tenth. And I'm sure it will be as trying and painful and beautiful in its own ways as every other one before it. I find it really hard to think coherently with this whole 'being stabbed in the gut' feeling, so I will stop my rambling.. now. ;]

Posted by: Meg at January 30, 2004 09:37 AM (1aD7e)

3 I've lived 2 lives and am onto my third one. It feels unreal sometimes but I'm happy because I feel alive at the end of it all.

Posted by: plumpernickel at January 30, 2004 09:44 AM (KmSCn)

4 Catch the wave (corny as it is) NY state has dozens to hundreds of Indian workers from Iowa layed off from Worldcom... who are spreading east (many who don't even speak english ... Note we have one good lady who can. and after errr lots of trainng she is really good.. ) grab a job and sink your claws into it. Pity the states of the US are union busting -------------------

Posted by: LarryConley at January 30, 2004 10:11 AM (A4qhf)

5 I have almost no memories from my childhood either. Everything I can remember is because my sister or mother have told me about it, rather than because I can recall it first-hand. In some ways, it's unsettling that other people know more about certain phases of my life than I do.

Posted by: Gareth at January 30, 2004 10:32 AM (NHA9E)

6 Gareth, that's precisely what I have in my life, too. Larry-er...what?

Posted by: Helen at January 30, 2004 10:46 AM (o79Rx)

7 "I live upstairs from you, yes I think you've seen me before" - damn that song! What's funny is I left Disney behind for a while, only to undergo a complete re-immersion now with my kids. You've already managed to cram a whole lot more living into a comparitively short period than most do in, well, a lifetime. And it makes you one damn interesting woman. Right lads?

Posted by: Simon at January 30, 2004 11:10 AM (GWTmv)

8 Right. And FWIW, I don't think you'll be through with it all at the end of life #9, at least if you keep going at the current rate... But then, you aren't a cat and so aren't limited to a measly 9 lives. And that song sometimes gives me chill bumps. I abhor violence, and "Luka" somehow manages to transport its subject matter right under my skin in a way that no piece of anger rock ever could. It's scary, but in a good way.

Posted by: Gudy at January 30, 2004 12:48 PM (d9Ei7)

9 I think everyone goes through various stages in their life. It's how we grow and develop as people. My hubby and I talk about how we have had several different "lives" and we've only been married for 12 years. There was the early years when he was in grad school, which I like to call the Poverty years. We played like college kids, drank like fish and completely lived day to day. The next life I called the DINK years. (double income, no kids). We finally had money. We started to buy real furniture and get established. Then, shortly into the DINK years, the third life came rushing in with Baby #1, who completely changed our entire world, and so on. I know I'm rambling, but my point is, I think everyone goes through these different lives. It's cool to look back and see how much you've changed and grown as a person. I see how much you have changed in the description of your lives and I think you have so much going for you. Hang in there. Things will definitely get better. In your next life you will continue to grow and find new challenges. Hopefully you will be able to cast the demons out of the past lives and be able to move on. p.s. I love your blog!

Posted by: Trainy at January 30, 2004 01:06 PM (umkOE)

10 simon says... it all. You´re right. Miguel.

Posted by: msd at January 30, 2004 01:22 PM (wW77H)

11 Sorry but this "lives" concept is a bit strange for me. I try to live mine, be it one or 27 or... my goal is to be happy, eat good food, drink the best wine, enjoy friends... and having an orgasm, why not? Miguel.

Posted by: msd at January 30, 2004 01:27 PM (wW77H)

12 It's old and cliche-ick, but the only constant in life is change. Even if we don't change something major, time does. I can't play soccer 5 days a week, eat anything I want, stay up past midnight regularly, and watch hours of mindless tv anymore. Even if one doesn't change dwellings, countries, or jobs, there are phases in his/her life. And I trust the theme of phase 6 (hardship) will be short lived. Just like the Emperor's moth, sometimes hardship produces a beautiful result. I'll explain if anyone/everyone hasn't heard the story.

Posted by: Solomon at January 30, 2004 02:42 PM (t5Pi1)

13 I can definately split my life into 'lives'..My childhood was pleasant enough, but from about 14 - 20 it's miserable, the bright kid that wasn't popular, quietly niched into a corner with a couple of other 'geeks'... 21 - 28 - a much more confident me, married, running my own business before wife and best friend became an item. Life 3 - moving to the US, spent 5 years there, went a little wild, came out of my shell completely, before meeting and marrying 'Great Wife', and returning to England for Life 4...

Posted by: Phil at January 30, 2004 02:52 PM (K2cNB)

14 "Just like the Emperor's moth"... simon please explain. Miguel.

Posted by: msd at January 30, 2004 03:13 PM (wW77H)

15 Simon I've been thinking of that Luuka song ever since I suggested it. I thought it was only appropriate to bring everyone down with me. I mean why should I suffer alone...right? Now all together....My name is Luuka... Helen It's only fitting that life goes into stages. The biggest transition or stage for me was becoming a mother 10 years ago. You more or less change rolls from being a child to raising a child (at least for me). I think back and remember being a teenager and wonder where that girl went. However, I think stages are a good thing. You become wiser with each "life".

Posted by: Tiffani at January 30, 2004 03:35 PM (0i1dP)

16 I lost track of mine a while back. Now I just cruise... Oh, yeah.

Posted by: Jim at January 30, 2004 04:11 PM (IOwam)

17 I would love to host Luuka, seems she needs a west coast connection!.

Posted by: Cheryl at January 30, 2004 04:35 PM (/kuVz)

18 At the rusty, old age of 36 I'm in the neighborhood of Live #5. 1) Childhood 2) Marriage/parenthood 3) Loss of a parent and last shred of feeling like you'll live forever 4) Divorce - that warm and fuzzy feeling of being hit by a bus and then dragged for 3 or 4 city blocks. 5) I wake up each day with new eyes, albeit not perfect ones, where I can see what truly matters and what is simply clutter. H, A series of arcs is a good way thinking of our lives. I can't draw it here but picture them as a terraced or stair-step arrangement. As we complete each arc or "learning curve" we're higher up the mountain than last time. By the time each of us finishes our journey I'd like to think we'll have reached the summit. We'll plant our flag that proclaims "I MADE IT" and we can look back down the mountain and realize the trip wasn't an easy one but definitely worthwhile. Keep climbing little flame, and remember we're all tied in together. If you go - we go!

Posted by: Paul at January 30, 2004 04:46 PM (yXRuL)

19 Its funny how high school can be such a horrid crucible but I have no problems imaging the pricks you grew up among in Texas. As for burning your lives too quickly, don't worry, there's more where they came from, maybe there's a cosmic life refill for the deserving. I'm still on my first life but I munged it pretty good a few times so that its all but unrecognizable. Like a sheet of paper crumpled and then smoothed back out again.

Posted by: Johnny Huh at January 30, 2004 05:24 PM (vg9tC)

20 H love, I think you've given me a meme to write about today. Isn't it funny how we can see our lives like this? But don't worry about running out of options/lives. It doesn't quite work that way! Things will steadily get better. Honest.

Posted by: Kaetchen at January 30, 2004 05:29 PM (WZyYB)

21 Cool, so you are an Aries too! I loved getting the tumultuous 20's out of my system. Honey, trust me when I tell you that in your 30's, the sex thing is huge--I mean REALLY huge.

Posted by: Marie at January 30, 2004 05:32 PM (PQxWr)

22 First of all, if everyone would quit mentioning that song, I could keep it from getting stuck in my head Too late. A guy saw an emperor moth trying to come out of it's cocoon. The moth was struggling so hard to get out the little hole it had made that he didn't think it would survive. He watched for a while and finally decided to help. He used something to snip the cocoon and give the moth an easy exit, but the moth looked sickly and ugly. It died within hours of exiting. The guy learned that while the emperor moth struggles so long through the little hole, it's squeezing water either from or into (I can't remember which) its wings. Without that struggle, the liquid doesn't go where it should and the moth perishes; but with the struggle, it turns into a beautiful moth. No one likes struggles or hardships when they go through them, but usually (sometimes years later) we see the benefits or value of the struggle and are glad we endured it.

Posted by: Solomon at January 30, 2004 05:41 PM (fi5qC)

23 It strikes me that we tend to define our "lives" in terms of our major relationships. Which means, in some ways, that our lives are defined by our interactions with others, despite the fact that we tend to view each "life" in terms of internal emotional changes. Perhaps the key is to surround ourselves with good people. Which, if I may, is one good reason to blog, to surround yourself with people who care about you, in a good way. As for my lives: 0-6: typical back-to-lander/hill-billy child 6-12: spacey depressed child 13-17: anxiety-ridden depressed teen wanting to get the hell out of the house 17-19: culture-shocked naive girl trying very hard to be a good little Catholic fiance - ended in depression 20-25: happy collegiate student/new employee 26+: I don't know yet!!

Posted by: Courtney at January 30, 2004 06:09 PM (kG7EZ)

24 There are certain landmark ages that occur during the average life-span.... Twelve is the first -- a coming-of-age time -- then 16, then 18, then 21.... Nothing else happens until you turn 36 (when you can legally have sex with people half your age), and then retirement comes at 63, unless you died of a heart attack at age 36.... not trying to be morbid -- just to get a smile .. Ky

Posted by: Kylan at January 30, 2004 06:13 PM (d18ri)

25 solomon (and not simon, sorry ), thank you.

Posted by: msd at January 30, 2004 06:53 PM (wW77H)

26 Marie said: "trust me when I tell you that in your 30's, the sex thing is huge--I mean REALLY huge." Oooooooh boy, will I be in big trouble in my 30's...

Posted by: Helen at January 30, 2004 06:55 PM (Iz2K9)

27 Really? Sex is huge in your 30's well...I must be doing something wrong! I'm 33 and still waiting. Tell me please what is it I'm waiting for.

Posted by: Tiffani at January 30, 2004 07:20 PM (0i1dP)

28 Miguel, No problem on the name switch, and I was glad to share. "...Yes, I think I'm okay, Walked into the door again..." Darn that Suzanne Vega!! It really is a catchy tune.

Posted by: Solomon at January 30, 2004 07:24 PM (fi5qC)

29 Will it be a tumultuous time for you when this seeming black and white verdict comes across your doorstep? That depends on you, Helen. Remember, itÂ’s not what Dream Job company, the Swedish citizenship office, British Immigration or what other people do or don't do, or even your own poor choice that will hurt you the most; it is your response to those things. Learn have to have passion, ambition and anticipation but not over-inflated expectancy. You've even got the time to plan other contingencies and it will occupy your time. You've got the resources to do this! Your very special!

Posted by: John at January 30, 2004 10:05 PM (YKCN/)

30 I have definatley had lots of lives...Im almost 45 and I see my life the way you see yours Helen.In chapters.And stories. And all the way has been struggles and gains,good times and bad...its called personal growth Sometimes I have the feeling that Im not even connected to these other lives but I KNOW I am..its wierd..

Posted by: butter at January 31, 2004 12:39 AM (karT6)

31 Yep, my life is plural too. I used to move every 5-7 months or so (really, for a while, 7 months was my record for being in one place) and every state I lived in I had a new different me. Now that I'm staying in one place, the trouble is learning to be the same person all the time...

Posted by: ember at January 31, 2004 08:09 PM (f0SBT)

32 Part of what makes your site so fun is that you have had so many lives! I'm always half-jealous, but then, I feel similarly about my own life. I seem to partition it into acts like that. And when I think back to some of the things I did or things which happened to me when I was around 20, I feel like, "I don't even recognize that person." Dude, where's my continuity?

Posted by: ilyka at February 01, 2004 12:06 AM (d08lb)

33 Hey.. my mom's b'day is also on April 1!! cool....

Posted by: Lucidly Awake at February 01, 2004 08:11 PM (RPA9m)

34 My horse, Petey, whose registered name is Jet's Marked Fool, is also an April Fool's baby. Sometime when you are in Leavenworth, you must call me, and take a ride on him. You might be meant for each other!

Posted by: Beth at February 02, 2004 01:15 AM (igCu1)

35 I've had about 5 lives and I'm on my third career. So far my fifth looks very promising!!

Posted by: Clancy at February 02, 2004 02:48 PM (EGVPL)

36 I think I love blogging and fellow bloggers so much because I get to explore a life other than my own. I have only two lives... maybe three. Pre-Jen, Jen, and Jen with our new daughter. They have all been pretty freakin' good though. The current one is the best.

Posted by: Almost Lucid (Brad) at February 09, 2004 06:17 PM (ORtG/)

Hide Comments | Add Comment