Three weeks ago today Nick and Nora were born.
15:54 and 15:56.
Three weeks ago, which makes the babies not only 3 weeks old, but also 39 weeks old. Once I hit Halloween and their official due date, maybe I'll be able to stop thinking of them as preemies. They are very small, both of them, but Nick particularly is tiny. We call him our little prawn, and although Nora is able to fit some newborn clothes now (always with the sleeves rolled back), they still dwarf little Nick. Nick, however, fully fits early baby clothes now, a move which both makes me proud and enormously sad.
I look back on the past three weeks and wonder if it's all been a dream. It all feels unreal, like it both happened and didn't happen, couldn't possibly have. I wish I could go back in time three weeks and take more photos, take more video, imprint it all in my head more. It's all still so precious and unbelievable, it's still something I want to protect with a viciousness that stuns me. If I forget it, it'll be like erasing a part of me that was born the day they were, and it's a part of me that I feel wholly and completely comfortable with. It's all so valuable - the first sound of one of the babies, the feel of Angus' hand on my head, the warm solid feel of the babies tucked under each of my arms, the text messages from Angus later that night that were more emotional than anything I'd ever had from him before.
And now the house is quiet. Two babies are passed out upstairs, dreaming of whatever it is that little infants dream of. Angus is off to London and for the first time since hospital days it will be just me and the babies. I'm not nervous. It'll be busy, but I still savor being with them. I hope I always do.
I look back on the entire year and it doesn't seem real. Did the sole two surviving embryos from cycle number 5 really take? Did they really work? Was I really pregnant for most of this year (that screaming toilet razor blade pain seems real enough though)? Could it have been possible? These two babies - how can it be that they are mine? Did I honestly have them? Did I really have a C-section three weeks ago? Are they really upstairs, those warm cuddly milk-soggy forms? Do I really get to keep them forever and ever? It doesn't seem real. It doesn't seem possible. This can't have happened. This, this is a dream.
Parts of this motherhood thing, they're really easy. Waking at 4 am to feed babies and not getting angry about it? Easy. Getting hosed down by a little rascal while changing their diaper and laughing about it? Easy. Cuddling them and sniffing their heads and feeling their warm breath on my collarbone? So easy it's as though it was something I've been doing forever and ever.
And parts are hard. Really hard. Harder than I had ever once anticipated. Not just the blues and the depression and the issues we have in finding our way as a family and as partners and as parents, but in other ways.
The single hardest part for me is the fact that I love them so much. That sounds ridiculous and completely contradictory and like one of those bullshit sappy statements you read on the backs of bodice ripping novels, but it's true. Falling in love shouldn't be this easy and fast, even falling for Angus took a few more minutes than this did. The babies are my vulnerability, they are my Achilles' Heel. I have never been so exposed as I am right now. I love Angus with all of my heart and soul, and he is a grown-up and can look after himself if I can't be there to keep him safe. The little ones, though, are life dependant. They look up at you with eyes that beat back the loneliness into a distant echo.
It's so hard and so easy and I had no idea.
This post is a bit disjointed, but so much of what I think and feel lately seems to start and stop in small torrents.
Every night when I tuck them in I kiss their foreheads and rub their still bare skulls.
"I love you right up to the moon and back," I whisper to each of them.
And I mean it.
-H.
1
I understand completely.
Posted by: Z. Hendirez at October 24, 2007 11:27 AM (igmiD)
2
*le sigh*....warm cuddly milk-soggy forms...I can't wait to cuddle my own milk-soggy form.
Posted by: wn at October 24, 2007 11:30 AM (zh/oU)
3
Delurking...
Your post made me cry- I have to admit that I´m envious. Not because of not having a child, I have a son, who is already in his mid-twenties. But when he was born, I was seventeen years old, too frightened and too young to know what this miracle is all about. And I know now what we both have missed, inspite of photos and videos and stuff.
In the years that followed his birth, there could have been more children- but I never found the courage to try again. For all that I know it would have been utterly unfair to my firstborn to watch his mother falling in love with a sibling...
So, enjoy the time, your love will be there forever, much more solidly engraved into your hearts than a photograph can stick to a page in an album.
English is not my first language, so pardon all mispellings and other mistakes, please :-)
Posted by: Gina at October 24, 2007 11:31 AM (Y8m4l)
4
"I love you right up to the moon and back," I whisper to each of them.
And I mean it.
Isn't this what it's all about?
Continue to enjoy this time, and take lots of pictures :-) Wasn't it a Mac & Cheese festival last time Angus was gone? Is it too early to teach the babies the love of American junk food? ;-)
Posted by: Angela at October 24, 2007 11:45 AM (DGWM7)
5
Seriously. Infant smell is like crack. A mixture of Johnson's calming body wash and spit up is like heaven.
Posted by: statia at October 24, 2007 12:14 PM (lHsKN)
6
I've always said that people warn you about the sleepless nights, the expense, the tantrums, etc but they never warn you about the emotional toll of becoming a mother. It's scary to love someone that much and to worry about someone that much.
Posted by: paula at October 24, 2007 12:19 PM (jh9Oj)
7
I feel the intense love too. My boys are now 7 and 10. Every day I hug and kiss them like there is no tomorrow. We get into "no, I love you more" arguements. Voted least likely to get married and have kids, friends said I turned into "insta-mom" when Max was born. You are right, it is really scary how much you love your babies, but it is good and just gets better. Wait till the first time they say "I love you mom".
Posted by: Jilly at October 24, 2007 12:47 PM (vy163)
8
Jilly,
I always try to end that argument with "I taught you what love is." : ) They reply, "
I taught
you what love is.", and I concede, "Well, maybe a little." My youngest then says, "No, a lot." She's right.
Helen,
Falling in love shouldn't be this easy and fast.
It probably should. If we had to deal with sleepless nights, cranky kids, dirty diapers, and colic without the instant love, there might be far fewer kids in the world. : ) But seriously, it just keeps getting better. The 1st time they hug you. The 1st time they run to you. The 1st time they say 'I love you',... Angels 1 & 2 are 10 and 13, and it keeps getting better.
Posted by: Solomon at October 24, 2007 01:16 PM (x+GoF)
9
This post made me cry. Brought me right back to those first moments with my twins. It IS unbelievable how much you can love them. I always laugh and say "Who thought the love of my life would be a little bald man that pees on me, and a cranky little diva?"
Now I take my leave of you, because my twins are crying as they wake from their nap, and I need to go smell them and smother them with kisses and remind them of how much I love them.
Posted by: Erica at October 24, 2007 01:51 PM (D6tE/)
10
Oh, babe.... you made me mist up and cry.
That is so beautiful, thank you for sharing it.
Love,
Elizabeth
Posted by: Elizabeth at October 24, 2007 02:19 PM (D4yaQ)
11
"The single hardest part for me is the fact that I love them so much."
Honey, I know EXACTLY what you mean.
Beautiful post.
Posted by: sue at October 24, 2007 02:24 PM (WbfZD)
12
Perfectly said. All of it.
Posted by: Lisa at October 24, 2007 02:51 PM (EcHBm)
13
I truly wish I could imagine what that kind of love feels like. I am so glad you are getting to experience it, so I can read about it and just imagine what it would of been like. How is Gorby doing by the way?
Posted by: Cheryl at October 24, 2007 03:46 PM (n3lCA)
14
Well daar, you have done it to me again! So beautiful and deeply touching. I know the love I feel for my new boy is practically painful, I cannot fathom what you feel having two of them.
Thanks again for the view inside of your heart, its always such a treat.
Posted by: Christina at October 24, 2007 04:17 PM (cu+y1)
15
Mine is four. "I love you to the moon and back" we say it together. We have "I love you" contests. I always let him win - but he couldn't possibly love me more than I love him. It's a fighting love - lifts you up, knocks you down, and is my one constant! Your posts are wonderful. Your pictures beautiful. Your babies perfect.
Posted by: oddybobo at October 24, 2007 04:35 PM (mZfwW)
16
I honestly can't quite understand, but I'm so happy for you that you're so glad to have them. I still think they're enormously lucky to have you, too.
Posted by: Hannah at October 24, 2007 04:42 PM (lUH62)
17
I grab my 9 yr. old, who is as nearly as tall as me, and hold her on my lap like an infant all the time. Then I say "awww, I love my little girl" and tell her I will still be doing that to her even when she is grown.
My 6 yr. old, the same-expect I tell him he will always be mommy's baby no matter how big he is.
I just love them to pieces.
I love my husband fiercly-but my kids-that is different. I have never, ever loved anyone so fiercely and so freely.
And so fast.
Posted by: Teresa at October 24, 2007 04:47 PM (25AjG)
18
this makes me want to hold my little boy so much. i know it's coming soon. and i am looking forward to it. it probably won't seem real to me, either.
Posted by: becky at October 24, 2007 05:49 PM (gxmeq)
19
My boys and I play an "I love you more game." It goes back and forth as to who loves who more until I end it with, "Ahhh, but I Love YOU so much... it hurts."
They will get it one day.
I would die for my children. And I know you are totally there.
Posted by: Bou at October 24, 2007 05:51 PM (fGpp7)
20
Isn't it odd how these two little people arrive and change your life completely, and yet after 3 weeks you can't imagine a life without them around? Everyone with kids completely "gets" what you are saying, and the difficulty you have expressing it, because no matter what you say, it never seems to fully express it.
The biggest epiphany for me was when I realized that what I was feeling for my baby girl was what my parents felt about me. It blew me away all over again.
Oddly enough, as the years go by you'll grow to love them MORE. It doesn't seem possible, but soon they will no longer be little lumps of flesh that eat, sleep, poop, and smell wonderful. They will become people in their own right, with their own personalites and you'll love them more as you watch them discover and explore the world.
Posted by: ~Easy at October 24, 2007 06:41 PM (IVGWz)
21
You are putting into words what nearly every mom thinks about their newborns. The amount of love you can feel for them is scary, isn't it. Just wait until one of them has children, and lays your grandbaby in your arms - you haven't known love and poignancy until you hold the baby of your baby!
Posted by: kenju at October 24, 2007 07:27 PM (TiGru)
22
i can't wait. .
your babies are so beautiful...so are your posts. thank you.
Posted by: megan at October 24, 2007 08:07 PM (1O5Qi)
23
One of the books that I've read repeatedly to my children since the day they came home from the hospital.
You know what's really gonna blow your mind? The first time Nick and Nora say, "I love you too, mommy." You'll think that your heart will explode from the sheer joy and love. And I really look forward to reading the post that follows that little event.
Posted by: physics geek at October 24, 2007 09:31 PM (auFn9)
24
Thank you very much for your kind words. Helen, I hope you find your way out of depression quickly. I know how debilitating it can be and I thank god every day that I have not had an episode in some time.
The only thing I can say is that excercise, as impossible as that may seem to get right now, can help. As well as cutting pasta out of your diet.
Most of all, know that I am rooting for you, hand extended to help you out of the hole.
If you need to talk or vent I am here for you.
Posted by: That Girl at October 25, 2007 12:45 AM (iVGwK)
25
During our usual I love you more talk on the way to the bus stop, I threw in I love you to the moon and back. Stopped him in his tracks. Hee hee.
Posted by: Jilly at October 25, 2007 01:43 PM (vy163)
26
It's supposed to be exactly like that.
I sure wish I could help you with the blues, sweetheart. But take heart: It will pass. I promise.
Me? I'm healing. And in mourning. But happy that once I'm healed, it's done. And sad that it's done forever, as well. Ahh.. hell. Everything is always a jumbled mixture of emotions. Damnit. They don't tell you motherhood will be like that. You know?
Someone should just tap you on the shoulder and say: "You'll be a mixed bag of teary exasperation until they're about 35. Good luck."
I (heart) you to the moon and back, too, kiddo.
xoxo
Posted by: Margi at October 25, 2007 09:38 PM (wSEpS)
Posted by: beagle at October 27, 2007 12:20 AM (m7WB0)
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