If you look around, a stunning amount of bloggers are running headfirst into a wall, typed out, stressed out, burnt out. I've noticed most of the bloggers ran their blogs from a year to possibly many years in terms of length of blogging, and it seems people just felt that the demand of blogging was too much. I don't know if people just felt they were giving too much of themselves, not enough of themselves, if it took too much time, lost interest, or some other aspect.

Isn't it ironic that personal blogs are almost never in the top-listed most-visited blog lists? That people who put their life out to the world are beaten by people debating Republicans versus Democrats?

Ironic.

Can I be honest?

Blogging is sometimes not so easy.

Writing my blog is really easy for me. I just sit down and type, and all of the sincere mentalness and over-analysis of my life just comes right out. When something happens to me, I often think about writing about it-for me sometimes the complete fuckwittage that is my life makes just a bit more sense if I see it on the screen. Something comes out of my head, sometimes pre-thought of, sometimes not. Sometimes it's crap, and sometimes I make myself laugh. Sometimes I have a whole week of posts ready to go (I only post once a day, that's my shtick) and sometimes I have to sit and think for a minute.

But unfortunately, although my computer comes with a spell-checker, it does not have an incrimination checker, and that's a bit of software I'd like to get my hands on.

Whereas previously I would just write, consequences be damned, now I can't just disconnect my brain from my blog, I now need to read and re-read what I write, whittling it down to the least inflammatory that it can be. Whereas once my blog was a great big brain dump, now I have to be aware that what I write may hurt someone's feelings. Where once I would've written about the fact that something nasty was said to me a few weeks ago that still hurts, now I can't talk about it as the person in question would get attacked, he'd get angry, we'd get in a fight, and it'd all go downhill from there. And that's not even including the backlash I'd get from my family about some things.

To be honest, I understand this as it would be hard for me to know that I am being discussed in a one-sided fight just as it is hard for others. There is a person who is an important part of my life that reads this and is impacted by it, and so I have to plug my brain and my fingers back in together and make sure that one is not puppeted by the other, that what I say is what I mean. And I am not complaining about this. But I find to not blog about him is impossible-he is such an immense part of my life and my thoughts, so he (and my feelings for him) will tumble out onto the screen in a myriad of type and lust between the lines.

I have to make sure that the issues and things I discuss here are discussed at home, as well. And I agree with this-it would really hurt my feelings to know that Mr. Y and I had an issue between us that he hadn't discussed with me, but which he blogged about instead. I would want to be told about his thoughts, so I can relate.

The thing about blogging is, if a family member, spouse, significant other, or friend know about it, then automatically there goes the ability to just say what's on your mind with regards to your personal life. You have to think about it.

Dude, you threw up on Pete outside the bar while you were making out during your bachelorette party?
Sorry that you decided to break up with her? Really?
He HIT you? Are you serious?
You're gay? What?

And so on. But it all eclipses into one major response: And you felt you couldn't tell me?

My blog has caused a lot of problems in my life. I have no idea how many times Mr. Y and I have had to discuss it. My family is up in arms about it, and they remain the one area that I don't discuss on my blog, simply because I really don't think they need that kind of ammunition against my already heinous war crimes (apparently).

At the same time, Mr. Y knows why I started this blog (free therapy) and he knows why I continue (enjoyment ...and free therapy). He even found me through it. I take care to protect people in my life on my blog-the only person on this blog who has their real name is Kim, all others are covered with the pseudonym blanket. I'm not freaked out about someone following the clues I leave in my blog and tracking me down-I don't have that kind of appeal, I don't see why anyone would do it, and the world is so large I am pretty sure that no one around me reads it, anyway.

But I can see that maybe someday I may hang up the keyboard. Maybe I would be missed, maybe I wouldn't be-I am just one lone chick wrapped in a bundle of issues, hanging out on my little blogspace. Others have disappeared that I cared about a lot and will miss, others I just shrug and think: Oh well. What's for dinner? I won't disappear anytime in the near future-I love blogging and I love talking to people, comments, and thoughts-but I understand that blogging requires defining boundaries and having limits.

And that's something that I am crap at.

I have begun fleshing out my other writing.

Her name is Alice.

I hope so much for her future.

-H.

PS-To Odin Soli-what you are doing is now a mockery. You know what it's a mockery of? It's a mockery of all the people that used to read you. You may sit back from your desk, l;augh and say: That Layne. What a confused little fuck she is. Oh well, wonder what's for dinner. But for others of us, others that enjoyed Layne since she seemed so human and could relate to her problems, we are really the people you are mocking. I hope you enjoyed your little Creative Writing 101 class. Now, for the others of us that are real and are coping with our emotions and issues, please put the nail in the fucking coffin. Thank you.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:28 AM | Comments (33) | Add Comment
Post contains 1131 words, total size 6 kb.

1 The incrimination checker would be a popular tool for lots of bloggers. As soon as you delve into the personal it opens a whole range of considerations which I sometimes feel can impinge on the original intention of the entry. I know there's issues I would love to write about but can't because of people who read my site. It's this kind of self-censorship that blogging tempts you into thinking isn't important. But in reality it is just like any other form of communication: you have to use discretion or else there are consequences.

Posted by: Simon at July 14, 2004 08:55 AM (FUPxT)

2 I think that's the main problem I hit ... too many people read me who know me and every post that wasn't a quiz or simply inane (sp?) was dropped for fear of offending someone or incriminating myself.

Posted by: Rob at July 14, 2004 09:00 AM (BWDMP)

3 My rule is simple: I would never write about something that I wouldn't feel comfy telling a stranger face to face, or the people involved. And good luck with Alice and the writing

Posted by: croxie at July 14, 2004 10:51 AM (amflT)

4 Its interesting, but I tend to not read blogs/live journals of the people I know personally. Its not out of some respect for privacy, or fear of what I might read, It somehow seems to short circuit normal interpersonal communication. You read something on their page, and you are suddenly privy to their thoughts on a topic without having actually discussed it I have made the point before that ideally this should be no different than a diary. A diary you choose to share with people you have, for the most part, not met. If someone doesn't like what is being said, don't read it. I see now that this is a simplified, and unworkable view. I must admit that if I read less than complimentary stuff on a friends site, it would bother me for all the reasons you mention. Its a toughy. For purely selfish reasons I do hope you don't get tired of this for a long long time =)

Posted by: Dane at July 14, 2004 11:53 AM (ncyv4)

5 For starters I´m an uninteresting blogger. Not even sure I can call myself one. Second thing is I blog anonymously, few people read and none knows me. I think. That’s the only way I imagine doing this, so I respect and understand what you said. One of the main attractions to your blog is one of things that can get you in trouble: not refraining and telling what’s on your mind. But your life IS more important, Mr Y surely sounds more important. In the end, if you decide to take a break I will definitely miss you and think, "she’s on her way to being happy". Good enough for me ;-)... Miguel.

Posted by: msd at July 14, 2004 12:01 PM (s7pDf)

6 Hell yeah, you'd be missed! And Rob - we're not giving up on you. I've mentally put you into 'temporary hiatus, unknown duration' status. ;-)

Posted by: Jim at July 14, 2004 12:19 PM (IOwam)

7 It's funny you should say that, I just closed a previous blog of mine with a comment explaining why I started that blog (away from my original one) in the first place. There is a feeling of exposure when you're blogging for the world to read. But sometimes, it's nice to give people that care an avenue to know what's going on in that head/heart of yours.

Posted by: Jadewolff at July 14, 2004 01:13 PM (tqQaS)

8 It still surprises me that you've let your friends & family know about your blog. I've only told 2 people about my blog, and to this day I still don't know if any of them read it. Neither of them are members of my immediate family. There are some people I've exchanged some email with, and some bloggers that I feel I've come to know & love. But I don't want them to intrude on my 'real' life. Things are complicated enough for me. I've had a feeling that you were going to need a new outlet that no one else knew about, and that Everyday Stranger would develop into the sunshine blog for all of your friends & family to see, or disappear altogether. But I'll miss you.

Posted by: Easy at July 14, 2004 01:26 PM (MWrm5)

9 TM reads my blog. It is true about it having an impact on what I write about ( I dont blog about personal conversations, her life or sitution or suprises or presents I may do) but the blog is a part of me and so is TM so it's natural to want the two to "meet" each other. As far as burnout I have seen about 10% of the blogs I read drop. Its hard when blogging becomes more of a chore then a pleasure. Case in point "political blogs" that see to have its readers go after each other (and in some cases the author) to the point the author feels more like hall monitor then anything else.

Posted by: Drew at July 14, 2004 01:54 PM (CBlhQ)

10 Easy-I didn't tell anyone about my blog other than Dear Mate and Best Friend-I got scooped along the way. That said, I have tried not to censor myself on my blog, except for with regards to my family, since they jsut take info and beat you to death with it for the rest of your life. They're real giving like that. I have absolutely no intention of "splinter blogging", where I maintain another secret site. Too much effort, too much secrecy, and I can't imagine how angry people would be with me. This is my blog. This is the one I write on. Even if it gets me into trouble (which it does. Today even.) From now, until the day I quit, which hopefully is a long ways away.

Posted by: Helen at July 14, 2004 02:01 PM (LlkAL)

11 I've been blogging since 99. I hop domains like Jennifer Lopez hops husbands. Sassypants was actually the one I stayed at the longest, and I am keeping the domain (probably for a photoblog). It was more than just reader-demand that made me stop. I mean, truthfully, I didn't even know how many people read me until I put up the farewell post. (That whole experience was surreal.) But there were other factors. Several of them. So I hopped. Maybe I'll hop back one day. I don't know. Didn't J-Lo date Mark Anthony years and years ago and then go back and marry him? :-p

Posted by: Sarah at July 14, 2004 02:04 PM (Kpjuf)

12 I blogged about you today.. well women bloggers in general.. er.. bloggers with boobies... yeah thats it..

Posted by: pylorns at July 14, 2004 02:06 PM (FTYER)

13 I'd miss you. Very much. I blog because I enjoy a good monologue. Both giving and receiving. As long as I still do that, I suspect I will still write. My wife knows about my blog and I debated long with myself before telling her. So, does it constrain some of what I write? Yes. So what. In the end, some limits/boundaries are healthy for me. I have them regardless since I am a lawyer and cannot go into great detail about my work. If you feel like it, I think I speak for everyone in saying that I'd love to meet Alice one day. I'd be very polite.

Posted by: RP at July 14, 2004 03:22 PM (LlPKh)

14 In the words of Dr. Evil... "I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to you. I'd probably move on and get another clone but there'd be a good 10 minutes where I'd be inconsolable!". We're grateful for whatever time we get to share with you. But when you feel it's time to move on then by all means do it. We'll be fine.

Posted by: Paul at July 14, 2004 03:30 PM (xdj7o)

15 Helen, what would I do, first thing in the morning, without your blog to read? I'd have to get a whole new "first thing in the morning" blog, and who wants that headache? So, please, make sure it's a good long time before you even think of stopping. Loooonnnnnggggg time. And you left off a very famous farewell recently, Rachel Lucas. Good luck with Alice and the writing. You are going to satisfy our craving for all things Helen with some excerpts, right?

Posted by: Jiminy at July 14, 2004 03:45 PM (IZ/eX)

16 I had a really hard time when I started blogging, because I didn't tell My Man. But then I just felt like I was keeping this big secret, and we generally don't keep secrets. I felt like I was lying to him, and I hated it. So I told him. He's been wonderful, and has not thrown anything I've written in my face. He knows I'm just venting. But I do find myself censoring myself a little so he doesn't get mad or see my feet-in-the-stirrups-at-the-gyno vulnerabilty. Double edge sword, I guess.

Posted by: amy t. at July 14, 2004 03:52 PM (xKhv0)

17 I would have to blog anonymously only, especially when I started ranting and raving about work, and the idiots there, although I do go to Iworkwithidiots.com quite a bit. And then there's the whole familia thing too. And like you some of them don't like me already, I can't imagine what they would do if they read what I really think about them or the hubby. Please don't stop. And if you do, start another anonymous one, and just give out the address via email to your loyal and faithful readers, and you know who we are. So Rachel Lucas finally has hung it up for good? I wondered, she'd stopped for awhile, and then was back, and then was gone again. That's too bad, she was an excellent writer too.

Posted by: Donna at July 14, 2004 04:13 PM (/j6kE)

18 i hear ya. there are very few people in my day-to-day life that know about my blog (just the bf actually and a couple bloggers i've met along the way). i had to change to an anonymous blog recently because it was getting a little too close to home. funny the balance of keeping an online vent space that the world can see while also trying to remain anonymous. i love the connections i've made blogging though and i don't want to give that up. i understand what you're saying of course, but i'd miss you if you stopped writing. glad to hear about alice. keep at it!

Posted by: kat at July 14, 2004 04:19 PM (QkuGS)

19 Okay, you don't know me & this is the first time I've commented. I started reading you about 2 months ago and I got sucked into your life! I had no choice but to read all your archives. Your blog is now the 1st thing I read in the morning at work. I really hope you don't stop blogging any time soon! I don't think you realize how much of an impact you have on others, including me. You have inspired me on numerous occasions. I can't quite explain it, but sometimes after reading your entry, life seems more vibrant. I think maybe it's that you feel things so deeply, and sometimes on a completely different level than most people. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that this is one reader who cares. Hope you have a wonderful day! -C

Posted by: Christina at July 14, 2004 05:37 PM (axrWz)

20 I hope you don't stop any time soon! I just came across your blog a few weeks ago. I just started a blog of my own a couple weeks ago. I am keeping it very private, only the friend that set it up knows about it. And it will stay that way for a long time! I am not a writer and never want to be. Its just there for me to rant and try and figure out the things that I am going threw. It does help to see them in print and read them over a couple times, or a week later.If I ever do go less private I will never tell anyone else that knows me. I know myself well enough to know that I would become the most sunny happy person all of a sudden. Your blog is actualy what kicked my butt into starting. Thanks H, and do please stick around a while. Your free therapy

Posted by: justme at July 14, 2004 06:08 PM (s6c4t)

21 Most of my friends know about my blog, but not my family...oh god...never....but I don't talk about them much. I do see that most people will eventually "hang up their keyboards" and move on but hopefully not without inspiring new writers to take their place. Hi Alice...

Posted by: Lily at July 14, 2004 06:30 PM (PuHU/)

22 I think i started to read both you and Layne at the same time, so in my favorites they are one above the other. It was good reading, in the morning. Now, I just can't bring myself to click on his site. The site means nothing to me now. Creative writing? I'll read a book for that.

Posted by: Donna at July 14, 2004 07:47 PM (3+LTh)

23 I think I enjoy others' blogs more than my own because I live a perfectly safe, uninteresting (to me) life, so I can live vicariously through others. I was shocked to learn once that someone I had never met was a regular reader of mine, because I blog just to get things out of my head, for the most part.

Posted by: Z. Hendirez at July 14, 2004 07:47 PM (djkkI)

24 Helen, you can't go; I just found you a few weeks ago! :-) I know, I know..you're not leaving. You know, I cannot count how many times I've told Dan I'm done blogging. DONE I TELLS YA! He laughs now when I make these dramatic announcements, but I've always mean it at the time. This is my third blog. I had a family blog, that everyone could read; kids, sibs, friends, then dumped that for a much more fun anonymous blog where I explored a sexual kink experiment in our marriage and now my current blog. Which is a little of everything and anything. I'm still annoymous, but if kids/family/friends found it, it would be okay. I've threatened to dump all of them at one point or another. Usually because sometimes after I blog, I can't bear the fact I just laid myself open in that way. Sometimes it feels like I'm flaying myself for the whole world to watch. It can be painful. But most of the time it is wonderful. So I get over it, that momentary anger over my need to vent. Anger over my imagined risks. I am risking nothing, really. If people misunderstand what I meant on my blog, well...that's their problem. Of course you get hurt sometimes by each other; who doesn't? You are lovers, you are living together. There will be tears, and joy, and closeness and cold fury. And sweet, sweet forgiveness. This is what it means to be human and in love. Write about your hurt feelings from three weeks ago if you like. It's only the truth. :-)

Posted by: Amber at July 14, 2004 08:19 PM (zQE5D)

25 To Odin Soli-what you are doing is now a mockery. Oh, thank you for saying that. I just see the pictures of that girl, whoever she is, with marionette strings attached now. It's like a blog version of Weekend at Bernie's: You know she's dead, but somehow it's supposed to be funny that he's running around propping up the corpse. And then of course, to him she isn't dead, because what never lived can't die. But she lived to me, therefore she's dead to me. "Put the nail in the fucking coffin" is right. Ecch.

Posted by: ilyka at July 14, 2004 09:23 PM (+7etY)

26 I find it a bit amusing that anyone could have thought your blog would retain its no-holds-barred flavor once Mr Y found it (and you). Once the two of you proceeded to this New Chapter (living together), only the very naïve would expect that you could write with the same abandon as you had previously – when you were not being ‘reviewed’ by the key player(s) in your life. Let’s be clear here. Blogs, by their very nature, are for the most part a verbal strip show. We blog because we love the attention. The limelight. It feeds the exhibitionist in us. We don’t have to be accountable. We’re essentially anonymous. We control the conversation. Nobody can interrupt us, control what we say, tell us to sit down and be quiet. We readers of blogs are just as perverse – pandering to whatever degree of voyeurism lies buried in our Id, chomping at the reins we’ve tethered it with ever since our moms told us it wasn’t ‘nice’ to be ‘so nosey’. It is what it is. Let’s own up to it, ok? It’s just part of the ‘human condition’. There are plenty of diary and journaling apps out there for folks who just want the catharsis that can occur as you collect your thoughts and write them down, a potentially powerful and therapeutic tool as we stumble through life’s ‘rough patches’. Talking with yourself. Listening to yourself. It is a Good Thing. However, when we choose instead to publish the intimate details of our lives on the WWW , they cease to be ‘intimate’. Some ground rules seem reasonable when we decide to dance naked. Like -- it’s one thing to expose myself – it’s quite another to expose another – especially my Significant Other -- who may not wish to be stripped so naked in front of total strangers. If we refuse to honor the privacy boundaries of our primary relationship, we’re likely to have to eventually bear very ugly consequences. Any of us can understand how humiliating it would be to find out our Main Squeeze had held the rapt attention of his/her co-workers while they described at the office, in vivid detail, the intimate details of our shared life. Standing in a supermarket line, sitting in the embarking area of an airport, riding the local transit . . ? You get the idea. Regardless of who reads this blog, Helen, the only one that counts is Mr Y. You know that. When it was a room where we were all anonymous strangers, you could pretty much say anything that passed through your head , heart or nether regions. Once Mr Y entered that room, however, the environment there was forever changed. He has a right to expect you and us to honor his need for privacy, even if you don’t share that need. Plus, he’s going to feel blindsided and offended if he learns of your innermost angst about your relationship with him at the same time as this crowd of strangers. When you moved to this New Chapter of your life, Everyday Stranger moved with you. Expectations and limits got (reasonably) imposed. Relationships are hard enough to manage without opening the door on sensitive issues to the opinions of the paparazzi. We can and will adapt.

Posted by: Annie X at July 14, 2004 10:33 PM (PkJiK)

27 You are one of the most talented writers I encountered when blogging. That you have begun fleshing out "other writing" is good news. You have the potential to do something significant with your talent, without a doubt. Publish something worthy to the larger world.

Posted by: Denny at July 14, 2004 10:38 PM (lBuk/)

28 I enjoy Layne as much now as I did before; I certainly respect your opinion, Helen, but I was happy to see her back, Odin or no Odin. I didn't think she was real before - too much plot, entries too long - but never lost sleep over it one way or another. Layne is as real now as she ever was, and if anything I like knowing for certain exactly what and who she is. Not that it matters. We're working with words on a screen. As they say in phenomenology, the concept is valid no matter where it originates. She's an amazing character, and aren't we all?

Posted by: Linus at July 15, 2004 12:14 AM (Bf+TD)

29 As someone else said, it is brave of you to open your life up to all and sundry. I can't even remember how I found your blog in the first place, and I always seem to be out of sync as I'm on the other side of the world, but I come here every day to check in and see that you're doing okay. And I would miss seeing life through your very perceptive eyes

Posted by: Stephen at July 15, 2004 04:44 AM (w/U8f)

30 my hubby knows about my blog(s) but doesn't read them. I know about his, and do read the interesting posts. not the political ones I'd be really sad if you disappeared. And I'd be heartbroken if you turned out to be a work of fiction! I feel like he murdered my friend. He took something from me, I don't care if he never asked for money, or wish list things, or whatever, he took my friendship, and my love, and twisted it and wrung it out. That isn't Layne, now. That's some guy pretending to be her. She was real to so many people, and he killed her. Even if he invented her in the first place. Fiction or not, it's cruel to form relationships with people, to correspond with them, when you're not who you say you are. I'll shut up now.

Posted by: melanie at July 15, 2004 11:14 AM (jDC3U)

31 With roughly 45-60 minutes of "me" time per day right now, the blog's just going to have to whither on the vine for a small while. A girl's gotta palpate folks in the 98.6 degree scheme of things, you know. Hey. Who the hell bearnapped Luuk? I wanted to get him a black henna tattoo down in Mexico.

Posted by: Anna at July 15, 2004 11:18 AM (4MTh/)

32 Incrimination checker you say? Sign me up! Anyway finally got around to adding you to my blogroll. Guy-from somewhere very hot in S.W. China

Posted by: Guy at July 17, 2004 08:20 AM (rzVi5)

33 Do us a favor. If you do decide to hang it up someday down the road... do it gracefully. Don't just disappear like some people do... leaving their last post as a date marker like a gravestone. Give your readers a heads-up. And if/when the day comes... say it's here. The first blog I ever read (and consequently fell in love with) broke my little blogging heart. I've since found better reads, but the pain of just leaving without saying goodbye doesn't dissipate with time. (Geez, this sounds depressing, but I swear I'm not that into other people's lives, but this topic is a sore one.)

Posted by: Almost Lucid (Brad) at July 23, 2004 06:27 PM (kmBPo)

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