The thing about insomnia is it's more contagious than the Plague.

If insomnia gets into the water supply in the house everyone comes down with it. The water looks innocent enough, but floating between the hydrogen and the oxygen are trapped little dimples of sleeplessness. When, after drinking the water, one mind whirs and makes one spin around in the bed, the other person whirs and spins, too.

Insomnia is the battle axe that just keeps grinding you down. In the tiny hours of the evening when even the streetlights want to go to bed there is no comfort anywhere you turn. Insomnia is the solitary sadness, the single suffering. It makes you twist your mind around things, making them insurmoutable hurdles that crush your optimism like a little bug. And just like that worry that boys have, once you start thinking that it isn't going to work, it doesn't. Stressing about not sleeping just adds to the acceleration of insomnia.

A year ago I was in the throes of the worst bout of insomnia in my life. I would manage maybe a few hours of sleep a night (if I was lucky), always under the heavy curtain of sleeping medication clogging up my senses. In that house, I was alone in this-my X Partner Unit would go to bed at around 10 and sleep like a baby.

I guess he didn't drink the water.

All that passed and unless we have had a fight here, I can drift off to sleep on my own at night, medication-free. I may have Kafka, but at least I have sleep. But now Angus is suffering from insomnia, and I wish I could reach into his mind and blow cool air on his worries, turning them lukewarm and sippable, smoothing the surface of his troubled thoughts.

He has had a hard time sleeping sometimes, if it's a Sunday night and he has a lot to do at work the next day. But recently he's had a lot on his mind. Estate agents. Court custody discussions. Selling the house in Brighton. Finances. Potentially changing jobs. His new role at work and the travel it is entailing.

It's led to him not sleeping well, spinning around in the bed like a top. Last week there were two whole nights of him not sleeping before he caved and dosed himself with melatonin to get some sleep the next night. One evening he came home like a zombie after nearly wrecking the car and falling asleep at the wheel, and once he had just 30 minutes of sleep it was enough to refuel the tanks.

And last week I too started to have some problems sleeping-the evening he was away I stayed up until 2 am unable to sleep. Maybe it was due to being alone. Maybe it's because I drank the water, and nothing is more contagious than insomnia. I found myself hoping that was the case, as insomnia for me is a slippery slope, one I often realize I have forgotten my carabiners as I gilde down the mountain face.

But instead of stressing or dosing I let myself read until my mind felt ready to let go, and when I tumbled into sleep I did so with my hand clutching a small stuffed duck as soft as a washcloth and my heart clutching a stunning need for someone who wasn't there.

Saturday night we had a nice dinner out. Good food, good wine, a little restaurant in a little environment. We came back and opened another bottle of wine, started a coal fire in the fireplace and watched The Human Stain before feeling extremely tired and heading off to bed around 11. We got into the bed, curling naked bodies into the commas we sleep in, and tried to sleep.

When he stroked my side in conciliation for him having to roll away, I was awake and felt his fingers all the way down to my hip bone. He rolled away to his usual sleeping position and I was in mine. We were all set for sail to the Land of Nod.

But he couldn't sleep.

And, having drunk the water, neither could I.

We tossed and turned until he gave up and went and did some work on the pc in the middle of the night. I tried to satisfy my troubled sleep by stroking a cat snuggled next to me on the bed. Once the object of my attention jumped off the bed, I pad softly naked to him at the pc, where the glow on his face showed blue eyes burning bright under the pixelation. This must be the greatest adventure of my life, I think. I'm here naked and searching, a colt without its bridle, a liar set free from her lies. After smoothing my hand against his forehead and some low words passed between us over the hum of the computer fans, I pad back to bed, petting a cat in the hallway, and curled up in the middle of the bed, taking both his pillow and mine.

When at last he came to bed he scooped me up in his arms.

"Why can't you sleep, baby?" he whispered, and I loved him a little bit extra for calling me baby.

"I dunno." I reply, tracing his arm with my fingers. "My mind is racing. Why can't you sleep?"

"My mind is racing, too." he replied, pulsing his thumb against the underside of my breast, against the curl of a rib.

Sometimes it's difficult to put things into words. When your mind is a racing river of thoughts it's hard to tell which drop of water is which. I thought I might have guessed some of what was on his mind-his divorce was to have been final on Friday and I think it's impacting him. He has an offer on the house in Brighton. He hates estate agents. He has a lot of worries. I couldn't articulate what was on my mind-the water was just too deep to wade into. All I knew was that the current in my mind was strong, and the top level of water was just the continuous loop of The Blower's Daughter playing over it all, making my fingers itch to sit down in front of the pc and try to write write write.

Then his fingers moved over my side, finding a pattern in the skin that only men can find. His voice was calming and I found myself stretching like a cat, feeling my skin on the chambray duvet cover. He smoothed and soothed and burned and in no time we were twisting and practicing an ancient dance as a cure to insomnia. He whispers to me to relax and just think calming thoughts while his fingers and hand moves, the other hand reaching over my head and entwining my fingers.

We lay down after, oozing spots on the sheets and throbbing blood in the eardrums. We pull on the fallen (kicked off) duvet cover and wrap ourselves up like burritos. Miraculously we sleep for about 5 hours, a gift. Perhaps sex is a temporary solution to insomnia, a tonic for the mind, warm milk for the lactose intolerant.

We wake up and go about our Sundays the way we always do-coffee in bed. Enormous breakfast. A walk to get the newspaper and a trip to the gym.

And between us lies the knowledge that we drank the water and it's now in our system. At least we drank it together, sharing the same glass, sipping from the same spot. And at least we know that fingertips on skin helps ease the sleeplessness, even if insomnia itself lingers as a threat.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:24 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
Post contains 1302 words, total size 7 kb.

1 Sex doesn't always cure insomnia but even when it doesn't it's still a win-win type situation.

Posted by: Jim at January 17, 2005 01:30 PM (tyQ8y)

2 Making love always makes me sleep better.Actually,without sex I find it almost impossible to sleep unless I crash out on the sofa.Sex relieves stress and connects the 2 halves..I love to feel that Ive satisfied my man and he loves to know that hes fked me to sleep And weve been together for 3 yrs and have hardly missed a night(or day)

Posted by: butterflies at January 17, 2005 02:46 PM (sUcgQ)

3 I used to be able to sleep better after sex, and still do, but it's not always an option. When insomnia is lurking, looking for an "in," and the man is at work, I can rely on a round of, as I've heard you call it, "self-relations" to bring the sandman to me. Infrequently is that route taken, though. I guess I'm lucky, though, as rare are the nights that I can't drift off to sleep. My problem is waking up too early. I hope you find the antidote to cure the insomnia in your water supply, and soon. Added to stress, insomnia is a hell of a pain.

Posted by: scorpy at January 17, 2005 03:42 PM (WzzXm)

4 Why don't you try the "Thanksgiving Cure"? Cook a turkey, some stuffing, some green peas with pearl onions, and dinner rolls. Don't forget pumpkin pie! Add some wine to the dinner. You and Angus sit down and eat dinner stuffing yourselves with the turkey and all the trimmings. Let the tryptophan in the turkey take effect and you both nod off into dreamland. Hey it works at Thanksgiving right?

Posted by: John at January 17, 2005 04:04 PM (SFB5x)

5 I would do exactly that, John-only problem is I'm a vegetablearian. No meat.

Posted by: Helen at January 17, 2005 05:10 PM (uFX1z)

6 It always happens for me that if the next day is a big day, and it is really important for me to have a full nights sleep, I wake up a billion times during the night. I lie there thinking, "I really need to be sleeping now, so relax and go back to sleep dammit!" Then about five minutes before the alarm goes off, I roll into the deepest sleep ever..

Posted by: Amanda at January 17, 2005 07:54 PM (cqrWD)

7 Damn. Now I need a nap.

Posted by: Easy at January 17, 2005 08:51 PM (VyZed)

8 it must be contageous because i read about it yesterday and had it last night. feh. of course, being sick had NOTHING to do with it. nope.

Posted by: becky at January 18, 2005 04:38 PM (/VG77)

9 It's definitely in the water, because I haven't been able to sleep lately either. My mind never seems to slow down.

Posted by: sporty at January 18, 2005 05:05 PM (NsnoE)

10 "Perhaps sex is a temporary solution to insomnia, a tonic for the mind, warm milk for the lactose intolerant." Yes, I think so. Perhaps only, as you say, a temporary solution, but it will often allow the weary man to get some rest.

Posted by: the girl at January 18, 2005 06:39 PM (zQFhK)

11 I like your insomnia medicine.

Posted by: diamond dave at January 18, 2005 10:42 PM (7Vwh0)

12 Insomnia sucks, and that's all I have to say about that.

Posted by: Sue at January 19, 2005 04:12 AM (AEjd3)

13 my fiancé never gets insomnia and he sleeps like a farkin' rock. I am terribly jealous of this and I have no idea how he manages it. I coughed all night last night due to an upper respiratory crud and never once woke the bastard up.

Posted by: girl at January 21, 2005 03:51 AM (uZxXS)

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