A few days ago I had a business meeting in the nearby office of Company X. Now, it's been almost 4 years since I lost my job with Company X and despite my cottage cheese memory I can still tell you what it felt like to be told that I was being laid off, and I can still recall the depression that ensued thereafter. Weirdly enough I've dealt with Company X a lot over the past few years, luckily as a customer to their business, so I guess in hindsight (and with a couple of freshly picked sour grapes) I can say that things are ok. I was laid off by Company X (those fuckers), and while a part of me still hopes that their company crumbles and closes, the other part of me thinks I landed on my feet and it's really bad karma to think that way.

But it doesn't mean I don't feel weird being in their hallways.

Even though I was working in Sweden I did deal with some of the UK guys and there are often many business trips between the branches. I worry that some of the people who knew I was laid off will see me and ask why the hell I'm in the hallway, like I'm the runner-up in the Homecoming Pageant and I won't get the hell off the stage. I have actually seen a few of my former colleagues and they were great-I even had an enthusiastic bear hug by a German chap I worked with a lot near Dusseldorf. Whenever I see them I feel this immature need to state that I'm not just hanging around the hallways, I do actually have a job and you know what? I'm the customer here. Maybe I'll always feel this way-you laid me off, but I have to show in a non-asshole kind of way that I've risen above it.

I never worry I'll run into my ex-husband because I understand he's still living and working in China (and I do wish him happiness, I really do. I'm sure he wishes I'll fall down some very deep well and never be heard from again, but I do hope he's found someone new to make him happier than I did.) I have toned it down a lot in worrying about meeting some of those from my former department in Sweden, which is actually a very real possibility. But I do worry about meeting up with my former managers, as well as meeting up with anyone that used to work with Angus' ex (who has since quit her job and doesn't work for Company X (or indeed at all) now).

About the time that Angus' marriage was ending, he and I started talking. My marriage hadn't quite breathed its last breath yet, and even though the writing was on the walls, it doesn't make it right that when he contacted me, I didn't even debate not having him in my life. We both have regrets about how we handled things and we both aren't proud about some aspects of our relationship, but what happened happened, and no amount of regret will change that. But I was still working for Company X, as was he (though in a different branch of the company) and as was his ex.

When she found out about Angus and I all hell broke loose. Even though I was out of the company by then, I did hear things. It was impossible not to hear the mud-flinging that went on, because after all, not only is it standard operating office procedure to blame the person that just left ("Do you have the McKenzie file?" "The McKenzie file? I thought Helen was doing that!" "Helen, that useless bitch! No wonder she was laid off, it was never done!"), but work is like high school.

Seriously.

All offices tend to have an edge of "Will you sign my yearbook?" about them. There are always cliques - the Corporate Shark Wanna-Be folk all congregating around the Speech Club podium. The technical/engineering/IT people all heading for Physics Clubs meeting. The HR people are all busy decorating the gym for homecoming. In the business meetings we had around the table you were always fairly certain there was a metaphorical slam book going around the table.

And offices are like high school because the gossiping is rife. High school is completely irrelevant for living in every way except tearing your ego down in expectation that life is going to repeatedly do that for you, anyway. If others can aid in the tearing down then obviously it means their own fragile egos will be saved.

So yes. I did hear what was said about me. The reputation slaying was phenomenal. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and hell really standeth no chance if work folk are involved. I heard it all-how dangerous and mentally unstable I was (both of which are true, but I was only a danger to myself, never to others). How I milked the company of money (very not true). How I was manic depressive and a manipulative liar (both not true.) How I stole her husband (which I refute in some ways-I think it's impossible to "steal" a person, in these situations all parties play a role.)

And I heard about those pushing forth the gossip and adding to it. I heard how my phone bills and computer files were checked and forwarded. I was livid with the intrusion, but as I'd already been laid off, there was nothing I could do (and luckily I'd wiped my PC clean of files before I handed it in.) I heard about people getting involved in the mud slinging that shouldn't have been. In the dark Swedish winter, I heard about all of it.

80,000 people were let go from Company X and I was one of them. I was told it was due to my length of service in the company-in my department you needed 7 years and 2 months to stay and I only had 4 years 9 months-and I believed them. It didn't mean that the gossip didn't add to the already incomprehensible agony I was feeling.

One of the gossiping was my former boss, Rolle. Rolle had been my boss for a long period of time and I knew him well. He wasn't the one who laid me off in the end-Rolle was interchangable with another manager I had, and between the two of them they were the only managers I had during that long stint at Company X-but he had been my boss. Rolle knew me very well. Rolle knew Angus and his ex very well.

And Rolle sided with Angus' ex.

I heard all the details. I heard what was said. A lot of it has passed from my memory, no longer relevant.

But when I saw him in the cantine at Company X last week, some of it came back.

I was sitting with some of my team eating a sandwich before our meeting. I saw someone at a table that looked familiar, but I didn't know why. I saw him staring at me with a similar expression, that "Where do I know her from?" look on his face. Then when I realized who it was, my heart started pounding. He caught on quickly, too, and he went a bit pink in the face.

Then we went about our business of ignoring each other.

I was hyper-aware of where he was, and hyper-aware of how much I didn't want him to talk to me. I had practiced a hot-headed speech ages ago of the things I would say to him if we ever bumped in to each other, but it all felt so pointless. My anger is gone now, and it's all stupid water under the bridge, he sided with one party against another. But to me, it was all uncalled for. Maybe it's true I had some of it coming. Maybe I did rise above it after the slurry came my way. But it was all too kicking a man when he's down for me.

We saw each other twice more in the hallways.

Both times we both pretended we didn't see the other person.

And I couldn't help but shake the feeling that as soon as I could get to my locker and get my chemistry book, I could tell my best friend about that dick who made fun of me in gym class, and when his slam book came around to me during English Lit, I'd make sure I wrote in an anonymous hand "I know what you said about me, and although it won't impact my life anymore, I'll never forgive you, you fucking asshole."

High school.

Work.

Same thing, really, but in one you get to pay taxes.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 10:42 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
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1 Frank Zappa said that "Life is like High School with money." It's very true. Trust me, it's much worse with a government job.

Posted by: ~Easy at May 07, 2007 11:36 AM (vL8BC)

2 And I too would side with the musical community. "The whole damn world is just as obsessed With who‘s the best dressed and who‘s having sex, Who‘s got the money, who gets the honeys, Who‘s kinda cute and who‘s just a mess And you still don’t have the right look And you don’t have the right friends Nothing changes but the faces, the names, and the trends High school never ends" --Bowling For Soup

Posted by: Z. Hendirez at May 07, 2007 11:59 AM (ceOV5)

3 GAWD, I still don't miss Corporate America...I ran out of there like I was on FIRE when I was made redundent. Now I work in Healthcare, which is much better because most of the assholes I work with now think they are GODS and the great part about that is they screw with people's lives...literally. Life is good....isn't it?

Posted by: Heidi at May 07, 2007 12:18 PM (/JHI7)

4 This is the reason I am damn glad I never worked for a large corporation although hospitals have their own gossip trails and women can be incerdibly jealous and vindictive. Luckily, I got out of that fairly soon. In floristry, it is only the thorns you have to fear - oh and maybe the knives.....LOL

Posted by: kenju at May 07, 2007 12:36 PM (DBvE5)

5 :gulp: And I'm looking at going to one of those huge corporations for my thesis? Scary!

Posted by: Hannah at May 07, 2007 01:02 PM (5w+E2)

6 I work in education - the perfect place for life to keep being like High School. And it is. Not only was I pushed out of my old job that I had done fabulously (if I say so myself) for 10 years, when a new principal came in - but my husband's ex-wife works here as a teacher. I feel like Joe Btfsplk - http://deniskitchen.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=CTGY&Category_Code=bios.joe.btfsplk

Posted by: Suze at May 07, 2007 02:16 PM (n5xQN)

7 You have much more restraint than I do. I still have dreams about getting up and telling off my former boss and co-workers - and I quit. You just have to hold your head up high and think of how much happier you are now than you were back then. I think it's perfectly acceptable to imagine that they accidentally tie their shoe laces together and trip in the middle of the cafeteria ... errr ... I mean hallway.

Posted by: Michele at May 07, 2007 02:17 PM (fcaMV)

8 Oh, so very, very, true. I'm the happiest woman in the world not to have to put up with that crap anymore. Now I work in a small office where no one does what I do, and they leave me alone for the most part. As a social misfit, it works for me. I feel for ya, sweetie.

Posted by: sue at May 07, 2007 02:45 PM (WbfZD)

9 God..you got that right Helen. I was laid off of my job last August. I was there 10 years and it devistated me. I was hurt beyond belief. I realize now that my life has taken a turn for the better. Because they did let me go. It still doesn't make it feel any better. I am still hurt by them and in fact have nightmares about that useless job. Sometimes I feel like it was a marraige that ended badly.

Posted by: Tiffani at May 07, 2007 05:11 PM (QNSMg)

10 You suddenly made me very happy to have chosen the path I did. I am just a Typing Monkey and I do not have any benefits, I don't belong to an organization (other than my own) and I am responsible for my own taxes (my share plus "employer contributions"). But I do not have to put up with that High School stuff and nonsense one iota. And for that, I just became incredibly grateful! xoxo

Posted by: Margi at May 07, 2007 06:53 PM (qs4Ot)

11 When I read things like this, it makes me so happy that I have a grossly underpaid non-corporate job! Ugh.

Posted by: geeky at May 07, 2007 07:56 PM (ziVl9)

12 Just be glad that you aren't a high school teacher like me -- it sure does make work interesting -- and the cliques still form, even in the teachers. Drama!

Posted by: Jamie at May 07, 2007 10:21 PM (XpM61)

13 So I read this post yesterday, and when I got to the end of today's post, I was all "RYDELL! Like Rydell High in Grease!" It all makes sense now. Sorry. I'm lame.

Posted by: amy t. at May 08, 2007 03:37 PM (3dOTd)

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